If you're not up for random lulz, don't read this random below. It is the most awesome Omegle chat ever and if I lost it I would probably cry, but my word doc is busted yada yada yada, so here it will stay for safekeeping. Very swear-y. And awesome. Frequent abuse of capslock.

You: Horny dude?

Stranger: Nope.

You: OHTHANKYOUGAWD.

You: I love you right now.

You: Seriously.

Stranger: Huzzah!

You: O_O

Stranger: I know, it's hard to find someone to actually talk to here.

Stranger: 90% of it is "LOL WANNA CYBUR LOLOOOOL"

You: If I hear 'asl' one more motherfucking time, I swear...

Stranger: Oh god damn. I hate those three letters.

You: I will kill myself and everyone around me.

You: :D

Stranger: With a flame thrower I hope.

Stranger: At least, that's what I would personally use.

You: Creative. Gory. Sick.

You: I like.

You: ;)

Stranger: Shazam.

Stranger: That's what I'm here for.

You: See? Shazam - that's a nice word.

You: Nobody says that enough.

Stranger: I agree, we need to spread it.

Stranger: By the sword, if necessary.

You: We do. And by the sword ANYWAY.

Stranger: Of course! I shouldn't have been so hesitant.

Stranger: My apologies.

You: Who's gonna pass up an opportunity to wave sharpened steel at innocent people?

You: You are learning, Young One.

Stranger: That I am. O' Master.

You: We should spread that too...

Stranger: We shall spread many things.

You: That sounded kinkier than it should have

Stranger: Oh my.

You: FUCK! THE OMEGLE PERVERTS HAVE GOTTEN TO ME!

Stranger: NNNOOOOO

Stranger: It's alright. We'll make it through this.

You: *Deep breathing* Holy mother of fuck, get me the fucking chainsaw flamethrower combo!

Stranger: It's already prepared.

Stranger: I also equipped it with a small rocket launcher.

Stranger: Hope you don't mind.

You: Ga-aaaah, I-i-its for my own good- Quick! Before I- lol Hi. asl, bab- HOLY FUCK! GETITOFF!

Stranger: *BOOM*

Stranger: Now to the lab to piece you back together...

You: *Is dead. Contently dead*

Stranger: *brings you back to life. Convinently, with an anti-Omegle chip installed in your frontal cortex*

Stranger: *Conveniently

You: *Gasping* Oh God, that was AWFUL!

Stranger: *pat pat* It'll be alright now. You'll never have to go through a trauma like that again.

Stranger: -And- you're a bio-weapon now.

Stranger: Isn't that fantastic?

You: Oh God That W- Bio-weapon, you say? Oh, everything seems do much brighter now!

Stranger: I bring light wherever I go.

You: Me too, now.

You: IN THE FORM OF NUCLEAR BLASTS!

Stranger: YEAHH

Stranger: Let's try and not use those too much. I'd like to have a place to live.

Stranger: Besides a crater.

You:BWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Stranger: D: WHAT HAVE I CREATED!?

You: F IS FOR FRIENDS THAT DO STUFF TOGETHER

You: U IS FOR YOU AND MEEEEEE.

You: N IS FOR- NO.

You: F IS FOR FIRE THAT BURNS DOWN THE WHOLE TOWN.

You: U'S FOR URANIUM - BOMBS.

You: N IS FOR NO SUVIROOOOOOOOOOORS.

Stranger: You are the best person I have ever met, I swear to fuck.

You: I get that a lot.

You: ;)

Stranger: Damn right.

Stranger: :D Asl

Stranger: OH GOD

Stranger: WHAT THE FUCK

Stranger: KILL ME NOW

You: HOLY FUCK-

You: BUT I LOVE YOU!

Stranger: END IT FOR ME

Stranger: I CAN'T LIVE

Stranger: LIKE THIS

Stranger: LOOK AT MY EYES

Stranger: THEY'RE BLEEDING

You: OH, IS THIS HOW OUR TRAGIC STORY MUST END?

Stranger: PROBABLY NOT

You: OH, WHY IS FATE SO CRUEL?

Stranger: I THINK I JUST GOT SOMETHING IN MY EYE

Stranger: I DON'T ACTUALLY CARE WHAT YOUR ASL IS IT WAS THE FUCKING OMEGLE VIRUS

Stranger: IT WASN'T MEEEEEE

Stranger: I SAID IT AGAIN

Stranger: DAMMIT

You: *Is sobbing* BUT HOW CAN I EVER LOOK AT YOU THE SAME EVER AGAIN?

You: I KNOW WHAT YOUR CAPABLE OF.

You: AND IT FRIGHTENS ME, STRANGER. IT FRIGHTENS ME.

Stranger: I'LL FIX THIS

Stranger: *rips own face off* I'm a god damn Terminator.

Stranger: Reprogram me.

You: Holy fucknuggets - I seriously love you right now.

You: *Hacks away randomly with a screwdriver - uses wrong end*

Stranger: *zap* D: That hurts!

Stranger: Do you really know what you're doing back there!?

Stranger: ...As an aside that sounded kind of strange out of context.

You: Not even a little bit - and they have totally corrupted you. O_O

You: Me too, though, so it's okay.

Stranger: At least we're on the same page.

Stranger: And I think that my teeth have guns in them now.

Stranger: Whatever you did, it was awesome.

You: Accidental flings of awesomeness are the best kind.

You: So this chat will show.

Stranger: So. It. Will.

Stranger: So, I was about to say something witty and random.

Stranger: But 'lo.

Stranger: My dog has taken a shit in the middle of the floor. There will be a momentary pause in this conversation.

You: I now want to hug your dog - is that weird. Oh (and not a single fuck was given that day). And I'll rest assured that your retort was amazingly witty and fabulous.

Stranger: I hath returned. My house smells like dog shit now.

Stranger: But no, it is not weird. My dog is awesome.

Stranger: Which is why I named him Loki.

You: Norse mythology will enhance the awesome factor in anything.

Stranger: I agree.

Stranger: I should get a larger dog and name it Thor.

You: And then a cat called Sif and a parakeet called Odin.

Stranger: Damn yeah.

Stranger: I seriously considered naming a fish I had one time "Fuck yeah"

You: Now I want to say something suitably smartass back to you, but all I can think of is the most buff, badass goldfish ever scowling at the water and headbutting the tank when you look at him funny.

Stranger: That is the most amazing image.

You: I know, right? I could just stare at a wall imagining that and be happy.

You: In fact, I might actually do that just to freak people out.

Stranger: I'd recommend it.

Stranger: Now that I think of it.

Stranger: That image reminds me of something extremely odd I saw one time at a restaurant.

Stranger: There was this giant goldfish with a huge tumor or something on it's stomach.

You: Weight lifting lobster?

Stranger: That too.

Stranger: But the thing is

Stranger: It just stayed in one spot UPSIDE DOWN

Stranger: Staring at the glass as you walked by.

Stranger: And it was still alive.

You: I bet when they tried to boil him the little bamf just sat in the bubbles all chilled and snapped his claw a the chef like, "Turn it up, bitch, I'm gettin' chilly."

Stranger: And then he shanked them.

You: And then they had a little butcher's knife vs claw sword fight.

Stranger: And the next morning a room of dead chefs was found.

Stranger: And the lobster drove into the sunset in his badass Ferrari.

You: And now he lives in Hawaii with a team of sharks as his bitches.

Stranger: And he's an international cocaine dealer.

You: And he orders lobsters at restaurants just to laugh at them, but then goes and kills the chef anyway like a little red vigilante.

You: And Kill Bill was based off of a true story - about his Friday night.

Stranger: Oh my god.

Stranger: Mind = Blown

You: And, Godammit, HE BELIEVES IN FAIRIES.

Stranger: He doesn't just believe in them. He's their god damn ruler.

You: And all the tutus and flower petals in the world cannot even scratch his badassery.

You: He's just sitting on a throne of vole skulls and chef hats somewhere in Barbados looking like the hmfic he is.

Stranger: -Nothing- could scratch it.

You: Drinking crabjuice,

Stranger: There needs to be a movie mad about his life.

Stranger: Does he wear a fedora?

You: And a bow-tie. Because bow-ties are cool.

You: Say they're not and he'll cut you.

Stranger: I'd never do such a thing.

Stranger: And I imagine music plays whenever he walks into a room.

Stranger: This song, probably http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KzFpohQdMGw

You: We are such loyal minions.

Stranger: We are.

Stranger: That's why we're loved by him.

You: Aaaaaaaaahahahahahahahaha, that song. He would be so very proud to call you his bitch, my friend. XD

Stranger: XD Fuck yes.

Stranger: This conversation has had me in tears multiple times.

Stranger: Best Omegle ever.

You: We should get badges made and everything to commemorate this day.

You: And have snacks.

Stranger: Oh, I agree wholeheartedly.

You: And CAPES, GODDAMMIT!

Stranger: FUCKING CAPES

Stranger: With lots of little pockets in them.

You: And lobsters sewn in! AND BIOGORAPHYS!

Stranger: Oh my god!!

Stranger: AHHH

Stranger: There is so much awesome that I think I just had a stroke.

You: Oh, the awesomeness that we could be! Holy hell, I cannot even diufhr kurygug/j g.ij t;otr r;jgohyugbyug irgylgftyerig;ouo upojhjvh trewyt fh,fbu;pnh

Stranger: So we both die of awesome.

Stranger: And are reincarnated.

You: AS LOBSTERS.

Stranger: MADE OF STEEL

You: WITH BADASS GOLDFISH HENCHMEN.

Stranger: AND CLAWS THAT TRANSFORM INTO AKS

You: AND MATCHING MOTHERFUCKING CAPES OF ULTIMATE BADASSERY.

Stranger: YYYYEEEEEESSSS

Stranger: And that song plays every time either of us walks into a room.

Stranger: But every time we walk into a room we kick the door down.

You: AND OUR NAMES SHALL BE NORSE.

Stranger: MY NAME SHALL BE HRAFNKEL

You: I AM VALKYRIE!

You: AND THE DOORS ARE NOT KICKED DOWN, THEY BLOW THEMSELVES THE HELL UP. THEY CANNOT TAKE GETTING IN OUR WAY FOR A SECOND.

Stranger: FUCK

Stranger: YES

You: AND THEN IN DOOR HEAVEN, THEY'LL BE LIKE "Dudes, dudes, this random pair of lobsters came up to me and I freaking blew into a million tiny unfixable pieces! It hurt so much I wish I was never grown, but these badass crustations just swaggered right over me! It was awesome."

Stranger: They will sing tales of us until the fucking end of time.

Stranger: Also, I nearly accidentally closed this tab.

Stranger: I was genuinely extremely upset.

You: BECAUSE WE ARE THE DEFINITION OF SWAG- There, there, honey. I'll see you when we're ruling Atlantis with a claw of steel. AHEM. AND WE YOU WILL BE HONOURED WHEN WE KICK OVER YOUR MAILBOX.

You: HONOURED, I SAY.

Stranger: DAMN RIGHT

Stranger: WE WON'T JUST KICK IT OVER

Stranger: WE'LL LITERALLY SPLIT IT IN HALF WITH AN AXE KICK

You: CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Stranger: Can I have flamethrowers in my claws?

Stranger: That shoot flaming poison darts.

You: Only if my legs are really chainsaws.

Stranger: Of course.

You: And I want my tail to be a nuke launcher.

Stranger: Well, damn right. That's just to be expected.

You: AND WE SHALL RIDE LABRADOODLES.

Stranger: AND WHEN WE DRINK TOO MUCH WE VOMIT SWORDS

You: AND THEN THE SWORDS ARE HARDWIRED TO MUG PLACES FOR MORE ALCOHOL.

Stranger: FUCK YES

Stranger: What do we drink?

You: ...

Stranger: Besides blood.

Stranger: The blood of children, that is.

You: And then they are our little dancing slaves.

You: And then we teach them to ride sharks.

You: And then we have an army.

You: And then - WORLD DOMINATION IS OUUUURS.

Stranger: Jesus fuck. I didn't think we could get anymore awesome like ten minutes ago.

Stranger: It just keeps getting better.

You: We can experiment, too. Like, make an army of LobsterSoldiers with bulletproof shells and claws.

Stranger: Lobster-Shark hybrids.

You: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

You: Lobster-Shark-Fairy hybrids.

Stranger: Holy fuck.

You: Bullet proof sharks with claws that can fly and are to cute to kill,

Stranger: The ultimate weapon.

You: You're all officially fucked.

You: And now I want my own Lobairyark.

Stranger: That's right motherfuckers.

Stranger: We'll have them.

You: I would name him Binky and he would be mine, and he would be my Binky.

You: And I'd teach him to fetch

You: souls for my collection.

You: ;D

You: AND WE WOULD HAVE SUCH FUN.

Stranger: WE -WILL- HAVE SUCH FUN YOU MEAN

You: YES

Stranger: Also, we should become a lobster rapping duo

Stranger: And only rap in Swahili.

You: And tie Justin Bieber to a poll behind us so his girlish sobs are our backing track.

Stranger: YES

You: We'll totally cut his tongue out first, of course, but I still want to poke him with a stick every once in a while.

Stranger: We'll make sure to keep him alive so we can make him rue the day he recorded a "song"

You: And make him listen to ACDC on a loop until he becomes a headbanger, then cruelly snatch it away and replace it with his own album - and then he will HATE HIMSELF AND REALIZE HOW MUCH HE DESERVES ALL THIS.

Stranger: AHAHAHAHA

Stranger: YES

Stranger: AND WE WILL BE AS GODS

You: AND WE WILL HAVE MINIONS AND THE WATERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF OUR ENEMIES AND THE CITIES WILL CRUMBLE AND THE WORLD WILL BE ANARCHY AND EVERYTHING WILL BE BEAUTIFUL AND WE WILL ALL EAT NACHOS.

Stranger: OH MY GOD I WANT NACHOS NOW

You: And His Lobstery Badassness will be looking over like, "Aaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwww yeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhhhhh."

Stranger: While he smacks up all the triflin' bitches.

You: I wonder what Nacho ice cream would taste like.

Stranger: I...I don't know.

You: I wonder what Nacho ice cream would taste like to a lobster.

Stranger: Can lobsters taste?

You: FUCK.

You: WHAT IF WE DON'T LIKE OREO'S ANYMORE?!?!

Stranger: OH MY GOD

You: WHAT IF EVERYTHING TASTES LIKE NEPTUNES SALTY BACK WASH?!?!?!

Stranger: IT WON'T

Stranger: I'M TELLING YOU

Stranger: IT WON'T

Stranger: I WON'T LET THAT HAPPEN

You: OH GOD

You: OH GOD

You: OH GOD

You: OH GOD

Stranger: CALM DOWN

Stranger: CALM DOWN

You: NO

Stranger: IT'S OK

Stranger: I'M A MAD SCIENTIST

Stranger: I'LL FIX IT

You: I WILL NOT CALM DOWN

You: I'M GOING TO SIT HERE AND GET FAT

Stranger: Oh.

Stranger: Well.

Stranger: We probably should exercise or something.

You: Psh.

You: I'll have minions to exercise FOR me.

Stranger: Oh shit.

Stranger: Good idea.

You: And then I will eat them.

Stranger: Absorb their power.

You: Harvest their internal organs to sell on eBay.

Stranger: That sounds like a good business.

You: It is- Uh, I-I mean, uh huh... I, um, I'd imagine it would be...

You: O_O

Stranger: O_O

Stranger: So can I like

Stranger: Get in on that?

You: eBay has less morals than Hitler.

You: You can start bidding for your Grandma at 25p.

Stranger: Well I'll be damned.

Stranger: I need to start harvesting old ladies and selling them on the black market.

You: You really do. And then look at all the office drones in their little cells while you gleefully hack open the bodies of your loved ones and lauuuuuuuugh.

Stranger: I think this means that we're best friends or something.

You: Totally biffles for life, and junk. AND OUR COMBINED AWESOMENESS WILL OVERTHROW HUMANITY. And do all that other fantabulous stuff.

You: And have you ever gotten into an elevator with a back labled 'Human Head' in your hand?

You: *bag.

Stranger: ...No but I'm going to now that you've said that.

You: Oh, and when you get off get all teary eyed and tell everyone that even though you're going your separate ways you're never going to forget them. Then call out a group hug. Then enforce it.

Stranger: This is the best idea I've ever heard.

Stranger: Much better than when I jumped into a moving car.

Stranger: And almost got arrested for it.

Stranger: Because it was the wrong car.

You: Is it sad that I actually believe you? XD

Stranger: XD No because it's -actually- true.

You: Won over - I believe there is no limit to your mania. Oh, and if you're in an elevator with only one other person, poke them. Then pretend it wasn't you.

You: And also smile at another passenger inanely, and then after a while announce, "I'm wearing new socks."

Stranger: This is also an amazing idea.

You: And meow occasionally.

Stranger: And stare at the wall and tentatively try to lick it

You: And if you're alone with somebody, look over at them and say in a really creepy voice, "I NEED TO FIND A MORE SUITABLE HUMAN HOST BODY."

You: Or just look at them, then scream and back away going, "You're one of THEM!"

Stranger: XD yes!

Stranger: Or stand uncomfortable close to them

Stranger: And tell them that they smell like cheese and gym socks.

Stranger: And that you love it.

You: Or open up your bag and whisper in, "You got enough air in there?"

You: And if it's silent as you ride, clutch your hands over your head and shout, "Shutupshutupshutup! All of you just SHUT UP!"

Stranger: If we were a team.

Stranger: We would destroy the minds of thousands.

You: Nowhere would be safe.

Stranger: It already isn't.

Stranger: The plan is coming together perfectly.

Stranger: In fact we planned on meeting like this in a past life. So we could rule the universe.

You: BUT WE ARE STILL NOT LOBSTERS. GOD.

Stranger: IT'LL COME IN TIME

You: In the meantime, we will commence our torment of the general public, driving them one by one to the brink of madness.

You: You could also drop a pen and do nothing, and then when someone goes to pick it up, dive on them and scream, "That's MINE!"

Stranger: That is -fantastic-

Stranger: I had something I wanted to do in a theater but...I'm banned from there now so I cant.

You: Or just stand silent and motionless facing the wall without ever getting off - at a theatre I'd probably steal the candy and throw Skittles at everyone while screming, "TASTE THE RAINBOW, BITCH!"

Stranger: XD

Stranger: I tried to leap through the screen.

Stranger: I took off running and jumped at it

Stranger: The uh...the screen was thicker than I expected.

Stranger: So I just kind of bounced off and hit my head on the concrete floor.

You: Can you imagine if you just went straight through and lived in the movie?

Stranger: Holy shit.

You: And then we would, in theory, have thousands of worlds to jump through and dominate individually in case we got bored.

Stranger: WHY DIDN'T WE THINK OF THIS BEFORE!?

You: And if you hit your head on the floor, maybe you'r still in a coma.

Stranger: ...This is a possibility, but I have an unusually thick skull.

You: Maybe I'm a figment of your imagination.

Stranger: It just hurt a lot.

Stranger: And they threw me out.

Stranger: That's so depressing to think about.

You: Did you bite them?

You: That always cheers me up.

Stranger: I attempted to.

Stranger: Though I -did- tell them that if they didn't let me go I'd urinate on them.

You: I can just see that, you with a gaping head wound looking rabid and thrashing in the grips of two ginourmous security guards and telling them that you were going to piss on everything they love.

Stranger: That is essentially what the situation was.

You: I don't doubt it for a second.

Stranger: Except instead of giant security guards

Stranger: It was two skinny high school kids.

You: YOU SHOULD HAVE CALLED UPON YOUR LOBSTER FOREFATHERS TO FINISH THEM.

Stranger: FUUUCK

Stranger: Also, I find it amusing to try and convince people total lies about myself in bars.

Stranger: I convinced a guy one time that I was Steve Jobs illegitimate son.

You: "I can see your aura."

You: Annoyingly, you win.

Stranger: Bahaha

Stranger: ...I should try that in an apple store sometime to see if I can get a free ipad and then sell it.

You: And if that doesn't work, just tell someone, "Code 3 in housewares," just to see what happens.

You: And when an announcement comes on, fall to the floor clutching your ears and scream, "OH GOD! IT'S THE VOICES AGAIN!"

Stranger: YES

You: Or throw a load of bouncy balls at people while demanding, "Go, Pikachu, GO!"

Stranger: Oh god, that reminds me of when I started doing shit like this in middle school.

Stranger: I convinced kids in my class that I was famous in Japan.

Stranger: And got them to buy my lunch for me because of it.

You: Aaaaaah, there's nothing funnier than dumb kids. Except for when they fall over.

Stranger: Oh no, that is definitely the funniest.

You: I just write, "I see dead people," or, "I see you," on all the computers.

You: And then watch people try not to freak the fuck out - which never works.

Stranger: Oh god, that's fucking fantastic.

Stranger: I scared the shit out of a friend of mine one time doing something like that.

Stranger: I "hacked" (and I use the term loosely here) into his computer and made Notepad come up and typed "I'm watching you."

You: HA! There's never an inappropriate time to scare someone shitless.

You: I got bored at a funeral of someone I didn't know, and just wandered around the home freaking people out by diving from the curtains screaming, "WHY DID YOU BURY ME?!"

Stranger: XD

Stranger: Fucking amazing.

Stranger: I am in love.

You: Lots of them were eating at the time.

Stranger: I do hope some of them vomited.

Stranger: Or at least cried.

You: Sometimes both at the same time.

Stranger: And good fun was had by all.

Stranger: By all I mean you.

Stranger: And now me.

You: All that really matters.

You: :D

Stranger: :D

Stranger: I think we're just living trolls.

You: Fuck yeah. We must educate our minions in the art of trolling too.

You: Omegle shall be boot-camp.

You: And we will take it over purely in honour of this meeting.

Stranger: That we shall.

Stranger: I do like trolling the horny bastards on this site.

Stranger: They'll want to cyber and I'll oblige them for about five minutes, telling them I'm a woman.

You: It never stops being funny to blue ball them.

Stranger: And then as they get into it, I tell them that they're fapping to a grown man.

Stranger: With a beard.

You: I usually get sidetracked by a very interesting duck. Then freak out because I DON'T FUCKING TRUST DUCKS. THEIR EYES ARE BEADY AND DARK AND THEY WILL RIP OFF YOUR SONOFABITCHING ARM FOR A BREADCRUST.

You: AND THEY EAT LOBSTERS.

Stranger: FUCK THOSE GOD DAMN DUCKS

You: WHO -DOES- THAT!?!?

Stranger: I GOT CHASED BY LIKE THIRTY OF THEM WHEN I WAS A KID.

Stranger: NO SHIT.

Stranger: DUCKS APPARENTLY DO THAT.

Stranger: WE'LL FUCKING TAKE THOSE BITCHES OUT.

You: OUR SHARK FAIRIES WILL FUCK YOUR FEATHERED SHIT UP!

Stranger: THE WAR OF THE AGES IS UPON US.

You: RAISE YOUR GLASS, KIND SIR, FOR TONIGHT WE DINE ON... Well, duck. O_O

Stranger: Oh man

Stranger: That sounds delicious.

You: And there's a sledgehammer involved somewhere.

Stranger: Theres always a sledgehammer involved.

You: And if there isn't, you're doing it wrong.

Stranger: Exactly.

You: Speaking of, I must go feed my hamster.

Stranger: I'm going to choke a duck out with a super nintendo controller cable.

Stranger: Oh my, well that is something that must be done.

You: I'm going to choke a duck with another duck.

Stranger: Shall I wait or must this glorious conversation end now?

You: Meh. Hamster can nibble the cage all it wants - I KNOW IT WAS HIM WHO ATE HALF THE REMOTE BUTTONS.

Stranger: THE LITTLE BASTARD

You: AND THEN DRAGGED IT AWAY LIKE FALLEN PREY.

You: I WENT ALL OVER THE HOUSE LOOKING FOR IT, AND I MISSED GAME OF THRONES, AND, YES, THE TV CAN BE OPERATED MANUALLY, BUT THE LITTLE FUCKER WAS WATCHING AND THEN IT WAS A MATTER OF PRIDE.

Stranger: OH HE WILL PAY

You: I'll kill a duck by firing him from a catapult. O_O And he will make a pretty picture on the wall.

You: And I shall lol.

Stranger: Not just a regular catapult either.

You: Ooooh, I shall LOL.

Stranger: A fucking trebuchet.

You: Fuck. Yes.

You: That's on fire.

Stranger: And covered in skulls.

You: And bound in live electric cable.

Stranger: I'm so pleased with this idea.

You: Acid must also be involved at some point.

Stranger: We'll fire the duck into vats of it.

You: Ooooooh, what if someone made a sledgehammer out of acid?

Stranger: ...Oh my god.

Stranger: My mind can't even fathom it.

Stranger: But we'll do it.

You: We shall.

You: Because we are badass metal lobster gods and we can just do these things.

Stranger: Yes.

You: Through sheer awesomeness.

Stranger: And people will start a religion around us.

You: And our (un)holy book will centre around this convo and make all the other holy books cringe away in fear.

Stranger: None other will stand up to us.

You: And if we do, we have plenty of leftover SledgeAcidHammers to drop on their faces.

You: And then post on YouTube.

You: And then rule YouTube too.

Stranger: Hell, we already rule half the world.

Stranger: Just from this conversation.

You: Hell to the Yeah.

You: This should be in the Omegle hall of Fame.

Stranger: Fuck yes.

You: And just the general hall of Awesomosity/Badassery.

Stranger: This is glorious and we didn't have to ask "ASL LOLOLOLOLOL"

Stranger: We don't even know anything about one another besides the fact that we're awesome.

Stranger: And that we're lobsters, but that's beside the point.

You: AND WE HAVE A SHARED LOVE OF VIOLENCE, DUCK HATE AND LOBSTER WORSHIP. AND WHAT MORE DOES A PERSON NEED OUT OF LIFE?

You: And lobsters are always the point.

Stranger: Well, yes, but that's a given.

Stranger: We knew that we were lobsters already.

Stranger: Otherwise we would have sensed it.

You: You may not notice it, but even the daily news and girls gossiping are just clever euphemisms for lobsters.

Stranger: Oh really? I don't watch television so i wouldn't have noticed that.

Stranger: I'll have to look into that.

You: Look and you will see, Young One. Look and you shall see.

You: Lobsters have actually very quietly taken over the world.

Stranger: That's why things seem so good then...

You: It was a lobster that got bored and killed Osama Bin Douchebag. And Hitler.

Stranger: Oh wow.

You: And in return they ask for nothing.

You: Except regular sacrificial rituals using human children.

Stranger: Well, of course.

You: Of course.

Stranger: That's to be expected, though.

You: An Omegler just opened with, "Hello!" I said, "You're too perky," and disconnected. That is just the kind of person I am. O_O

Stranger: Bahaha

Stranger: That's glorious, though.

You: From now on I'm just gonna try to convince people to bow to their rightful lobster overlords.

Stranger: Oh, we both will.

Stranger: And also, I think this is the longest Omegle I've had.

Stranger: Usually I get bored and disconnect, but not so this time.

You: Fuck me, I only just noticed. O_O

Stranger: I know!

Stranger: What has it been? An hour maybe?

You: Aaaaah, remember when you first manufactured me into a bio-weapon? Good times, goooood times...

Stranger: *wipes away a tear*

Stranger: Times I'll never forget.

Stranger: We almost lost eachother to the Omegle disease.

You: Don't speak like that, Stranger. We pulled through!

Stranger: We did!

You: TOGETHER.

Stranger: TOGETHER

Stranger: FOR

Stranger: EV

Stranger: ER

You: FUCKIT.

You: LET'D JUST GET MARRIED.

Stranger: FUCK YEAH

You: AND ADOPT LITTLE MEXICAN CHILDREN.

Stranger: FOURTEEN OF THEM

Stranger: I DON'T EVEN GIVE A FUCK WHAT GENDER YOU ARE.

Stranger: THIS GOES BEYOND THAT

Stranger: WE WERE MEANT TO BE

You: AND NAME THEM AFTER NORSE GODS AND CRUSTATIONS.

Stranger: YES

You: SOULMATES!

Stranger: YES AND MORE YES

You: THROUGH OMEGLE!

Stranger: YYYEEEESSS

You: LET'S JUST DO A DRIVE THRU IN VEGAS! RIGHTTHEFUCKNOW!

Stranger: GET IN THE CAR LETS GO

You: I'M ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE ATLANTIC!

You: FUCK YOU, OCEAN, WHEN WE RULE I'LL MAKE ALL THE FAT KIDS DRINK YOU THROUGH STRAWS.

Stranger: FUCK

Stranger: GET IN THE BOAT THEN

Stranger: WELL, WHEN I GET THERE

Stranger: THEN YOU CAN GET IN THE BOAT

Stranger: I'M ALMOST THERE THOUGH

You: BE HERE FASTER!

You: I WANT MY MEXICAN NORSE CRUSTATION BB'S.

Stranger: OK

Stranger: I JUST HIT THE COAST

Stranger: LETS DO THIS SHIT

You: I AM SWIMMING TO THE BOAT.

Stranger: I CAN SEE YOU

You: LIKE A BOSS.

Stranger: LIKE A MOTHAFUCKIN BAWS

You: I AM RIDING A LOBAIRYARK. LIKE A BOSS. HIS NAME IS BINKY. AND HE'S A CERTIFIED MINISTER.

Stranger: SHIT WE CAN JUST GET MARRIED NOW

You: FUCK YES.

You: HOLD ME, MY BADASS DARLING!

Stranger: *HOLDS YOU LIKE A BAWS*

You: TOGETHER FORE-OhmygawdBinky! WTFareyou-GETITOFFMYARRRRM! GetitthefuckoffofgkgyKYGOG OIHPH POHOHo;hhfgtyasdfghjklertyucb gfcjhfdsgyvijoty u[9t;jhmy;ij;otjh'njjn'jn'tyj 'pyuh[p jfsbjnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

Stranger: OH HELL TO THE FUCK NO

Stranger: *DOUBLE SHOTGUN FLAMETHROWERS THE MOFO*

You: *EXPLODES FROM THE OCEAN ALL MAJESTIC AND... CLICHED-LIKE* YOU CANNOT KILL ME. I AM A FUCKING BIO-WEAPON ENHANCED IRON LOBSTER GOD WITH CHAINSAW CLAWS, FLAMETHROWERS AND A NUKE LAUNCHER TAIL. I RUN THIS SHIT. YOU CAN'T HASSLE ME, FOO'. I'M ALSO A FUCKING PSYCHO BITCH.

You: EVERYTHING IS BADASS LETHAL AND NOTHING HURTS.

Stranger: THIS IS WHY

Stranger: WE WERE GETTING MARRIED

You: NOTHING WILL EVER BE THE SAME.

Stranger: WAIT WAIT

Stranger: I HAVE IT

Stranger: WE CAN FIX THIS.

Stranger: OH MY GOD I'M A FUCKING GENIUS.

Stranger: WE WILL MERGE

Stranger: INTO ONE

You: BIO-WEAPON ENHANCED IRON LOBSTER GOD WITH CHAINSAW CLAWS, FLAMETHROWERS AND A NUKE LAUNCHER TAIL TIMES MOTHERFUCKING TWO. WITH PROPS.

Stranger: WE ARE THE ULTIMATE LOBSTROSITY

You: AND WE WILL CONSUME NOT ONLY YOUR LIVES, BUT YOUR VERY SOULS.

Stranger: WE EAT FUCKING TIME ITSELF

You: CAPSLOCK IS AFRAID TO USE -US- IN CASE IT SOUNDS TOO CRAZY.

Stranger: YYYYEEEEAAAAAHHHH

You: NOTHING CAN STOP US NOW.

You: NOTHING.

You: Like, unless my power cuts out and I disconnect. But come on, how likely is that to happe-

You have disconnected.

BUT I AM NOT ALONE. ILU, WHOEVER THE FUCK YOU WERE!

*Insert quirky bio here*

And this is my section of the Magical Unicorn and Awesomesauce Land known as Tumblr.

1. Find a globe. Spin it.What does it say? Italy

2. Find a book. Turn to page 56, line 18, word 6. What does it say? stream

3. What can you hear right now? Song birlds and crows

4. Have a conversation with the closest living thing to you other than yourself. my dog lolled his tongue at me because he is a stupid.

5. Turn on T.V. What show is on? Psychic Sally

6. Type your name with your elbow. Emkily

7. Stand up. Close your eyes. Spin around three times. Stop. What's the first thing you see? a picture of an angel sat in an alley with his elbows propped on his knees, a bottle at his side, halo tilted and wings askew. i'm pretty sure he's haning an existential crisis over there. i like it.

8. If you could be anybody from Warriors, who would you be? Uh. I don't know what that is...

9. What happened last time you were typing on this computer? it shut down on me. Yep, the Great Machine Rebellion hath cometh. grabeth thyne water guns. eth.

10. Find the third letter of all your answers. Underline them. What do they spell? ardcykiis. yep. it all makes sense now.

1. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT? i have scars on my neck from where i fell into glass when i was seven - nOT THAT I WAS DANCING ON THE BACK OF THE SOFA TO THE LION KING SOUNDTRACK BECAUSE PSHH THAT WOULD BE SILLY PSHHHH i slit my throat less than an inch from my jugular. oh, so close, but no cigar/alleviation from the constant agonised monotony of this mortal coil. or math.

2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM? blue paint? it's splattery? and a sword. uh.

3. DO YOU SNORE, GRIND YOUR TEETH, OR TALK IN YOUR SLEEP? no snoring, i grind my teeth to keep from either yelling at someone or punching them, and how the fuck would i know that.

4. WHAT TYPE OF MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO? everything except ancient Somalian throat singing.

5. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN? 4:30am.

6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW? for something interesting to happen to me in real life. preferably something violent. or to be happy with myself, or have other people be happy with me. or something.

7. WHAT DO YOU MISS? being a little kid. i don't want to grow up ok it is a fucking trap i see u frontin

8. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION(S)? my books. and my phone. i don't know what you want me to say here there's no family heirloom locket imbued with magic inheritance from a dead great-relative my family sucks i would pawn it no give me internet.

9. HOW TALL ARE YOU? idk

10. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC? i can deal with it, but i like open spaces outside better, and whenever i'm in a crowd i feel like lashing out thrashing around and just running until i can breathe. there's too many people on this earth and we need another plague jfc

11. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK? i like the night, i like the dark, but if i think more-twisted-than-usual stuff i think i see them. fuck you too, Subconscious, you're a fucking asshole too.

12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY? I DO NOT CRY. NOT SINCE I WAS EIGHT YEARS OLD AND WANTED TO GET A BITCH INTO TROUBLE WITH MY INNOCENT EYES. UNTIL I WATCHED THE GODDAMN NOTEBOOK. SCREW YOU, ALLIE. SCREW YOU, NOAH. WHY YOU GOTTA BE SO BEAUTIFUL?

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PERFUME FOR A GIRL? Miss 60 - Rock Muse.

14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX? black hair and dark blue eyes. that or bleach blonde/white. eh. and it's not really a distinction of 'opposite sex' either if someone is hot they are hot and that is the end of it.

15. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF BEING PROPOSED TO? i can't. tch. and ew.

16. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINK? both. at the same time. through an IV.

17. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPING? meat.

18. IF YOU CAN EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE? hot chocolate cake with melted fudge sauce (sorry).

20. HAVE YOU EVER EATEN A GOLDFISH? I killed a tank full of them when i was four? yup, just reached in and massacred them, like a backwards Jaws. What? i was a fucked up kid - not, however, fucked up enough to eat one.

21. WHAT WAS THE FIRST MEANINGFUL GIFT YOU'VE EVER RECIEVED? pffffff

22. DO YOU LIKE ANYBODY? no have you met people they are assholes.

23. ARE YOU DOUBLE JOINTED? why would you want to know that? no.

24. FAVORITE CLOTHING BRAND? No Fear (best hoodies EVER) or Snorgtees.

26. DO YOU HAVE A PET RIGHT NOW? yes Husky fucking stupid do not sit there that is my hEAD dFH

27. WHAT KIND IS IT? HYGFTDULI H;POJLIkhj,l.kmnbbnm,.lkl;///////

28. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING? lol i don't feel love

29. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO TELL SOMEONE YOU LOVE THEM? text, probably. i'm emotionnally inept. or say it jokingly even if you mean it.

30. TYPE A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED: 6. does this please you? i don't-???

31. BLONDES OR BRUNETTES? eh.

32. WHAT IS THE ONE NUMBER YOU CALL MOST OFTEN? i hardly call anyone.

33. WHAT ANNOYS YOU MOST? the human race in generalised terms - as singular people i can be deeply fond of them, but as a whole... ick. also saletape.

34. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE USA? buy a globe, pet, i live in England.

35. YOUR WEAKNESSES? food left unguarded.

36. MET ANYONE FAMOUS? bitch do u know who i am.

37. FIRST JOB? Professional Trouble Maker.

38. EVER DONE A PRANK CALL? *evil laughter-* what no

39. DO YOU SWEAR? because fuck you, that's why.

40. WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE FILLING THIS OUT? reading.

41. HAVE YOU EVER HAD SURGERY? no. i have to take regular medication, but no.

42. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST? my grades.

43. HAVE YOU EVER HAD BRACES? nope.

44. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY? fun and money. lots of money.

45. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT? why would a human want to force another human body out of their bODY??? ?? ????:.???//////?/?//?? ???

46. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? no. i'm only me.

47. DO YOU WISH ON STARS? no, they're just pretty and sometimes make me want to like scream into the abyss of empty space our rock tonne speck of universe dust is suspended in by inexplicable forces that Just Are.

49. WHAT KIND OF SHAMPOO DO YOU USE? whatever's in the bathroom.

50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? you're lucky this was typed. that's all i'm saying.

51. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE MEAT? steak.

52. ANY BAD HABITS? sarcasm. tongue clicking. eye rolling. swearing (every other fucking word). insulting. random acts of violence. and boredom.

53 WHAT CD ARE YOU MOST EMBARRASSED TO HAVE ON YOUR SHELF? Taylor Swift. she's inbetween My Chemical Romance and Theory of a Deadman. idc if music makes you happy or entertains you fucking rock that shit

54. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? no i am an asshole too

56. DO LOOKS MATTER? too much.

57. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER? i don't i shove it down where it can quietly fester as a mental illness.

58. WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME? my head.

60. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD? Action Men, animal figurines and a Barbie horse game for PlayStation. and rocks

61. HOW MANY NUMBERS ARE IN YOUR CELL PHONE? idk

62. WERE YOU A FAN OF BARNEY AS A KID? he scares the shit out of me to this day tbh

63. DO YOU USE SARCASM? no, as if i'd ever do a thing like that.

64. MASHED POTATOES OR MACARONI AND CHEESE? mash. i am British.

65. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL? it'd be so great if we didn't have to hide our weirdness from each other.

66. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES? Em, Tabbi (after Tabitha from The Ring - apparently I look like that with my hair in front of my face. lovely) or Overloard Of Terror.

67. WHATS YOUR FAVORITE BAND/SINGER? Paramore, Bowling for Soup, A Fine Frenzy, Fall Out Boy, Florence & the Machine, All Time Low, The Glitch Mob, movie soundtracks, idk, a bunch

68. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVOURITE TV SHOWS? Merlin, Doctor Who, Adventure Time.

69. WHAT WAS YOUR ACT SAT SCORE? eh?

70. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOUR? caramel.

71. DO YOU HAVE ALL YOUR FINGERS AND TOES? yes. why what are you planning

72. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WORKED OUT? BWUAHAHAHAHAHA, oh. you were serious. i had to chase my dog down the street yesterday because he is a jerk.

73. DID YOU NOTICE THAT THERE WAS NO #64? someone fooled you, fool.

74. WHATS THE FASTEST YOU HAVE GONE IN A CAR? 110.

75. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS? yes dammit.

76. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO? tapping.

78. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? a human.

79. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX? the way they smile. and that's not sappy you can tell a lot about a person from that so fuck u

80. FAVORITE THOUGHT PROVOKING SONG? Echo - Jason Walker

81. FAVORITE THING TO HATE? Justin Bieber and Sasuke Uchiha.

82. FAVORITE MONTH OF THE YEAR? December.

83. FAVORITE ZODIAC SIGN? Leo (i'm Gemini).

85. WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOUR? brown (interesting, huh?) but i'm dying it blue again soon because good colour yes

86. EYE COLOR? green.

89. FAVORITE FAST FOOD RESTURANT? McDonalds or KFC.

90. YOU LIKE SUSHI? no. really, people, it doesn't take THAT LONG to wait for fish to cook.

91. LAST THING YOU WATCHED? The Artist.

92. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR? pffff.

93. PLAY ANY MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS? no. i can whistle on a good day.

94. REPUBLICAN OR DEMOCRAT? liberal democrat, if i must.

95. KISSES OR HUGS? hugs.

96. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS? w/e your into, bro.

97. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT? stuff.

98. WHAT KIND OF CAR DO YOU HAVE? see question 96.

99. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING? Good Omens.

100. DESCRIBE YOUR LOVE LIFE: no. that's it that's the thing.

1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 81, and find line 4.

"...easily as we might tear cloth. I have seen vampires plunge their claws through the ribs of their pray and..." Charming, isn't it? I know. It's from 'A Vampire Hunters Handbook.'

2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can, What can you touch?

curtains

3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?

Adventure Time because it is perfect ok

4. Without looking, guess what time it is:

8:40ish?

5. Now look at the clock. What is the actual time?

8:28. Meh.

6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?

washer.

7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing?

Earlier this evening, as i was forced out into the frozen wasteland-like tundra (my icy street) and commanded mercilessly (that's about right) to haul obtrusive dead weights (old carpet rolls) into the pet iron beast of my tormentor (my mother's car).

8. Before you started this survey, what did you look at?

...the computer screen? as you, like, have to?

9. What are you wearing?

Fleesy PJ's. grey top, blue polka dot bottoms. they're snuggly.

10. Did you dream last night?

no.

11. When did you last laugh?

my friend just came up after PE limping and screaming like, "PAIN IS WEAKNESS LEAVING THE BODY, MOTHERFUCKERS!"

and my other friend just put his arms around him and went, "No, come on, let's just hug it out. It's okay. Shh."

12. What is on the walls of the room you are in?

paint splatters

13. Seen anything weird lately?

ur face

14. What do you think of this quiz

i'm so tired is there a food prize i will love you

15. What is the last film you saw?

Warm Bodies. so fucking adorable omg.

16.If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy?

an island with books and hugs.

17. Tell me something about you that I don't know:

...if i was a Greek God a survey said i'd be Nyx, the primordial Goddess of the Night. another said Artemis (Virgin Goddess of the Hunt and Moon). i think that's pretty cool. if i was a kind of bender it's a clear line between Air and Fire.

18. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?

there's too much to just pick one and fix everything. people are just gonna fuck it up again. i just.

19. George Bush:

do u need to lie down.

20. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?

a refund.

21. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?

fuck off.

22. Would you ever consider living abroad?

omg yes take me.

YOUR GUY SIDE: (bold applies to me)

You love hoodies.

You love jeans.

Dogs are better than cats.

It's hilarious when people get hurt.

You've played with/against boys on a team.

Shopping is torture.

Sad movies suck.

You own/ed an X-Box.

Played with Hotwheel cars as a kid.

At some point in time you wanted to be a firefighter.

You own/ed a DS, PS2 or Sega.

You used to be obsessed with Power Rangers.

You watch sports on TV.

Gory movies are cool.

You go to your dad for advice.

You own like a trillion baseball caps.

You like going to high school football games.

You used to/do collect football/baseball cards.

Baggy pants are cool to wear.

It's kinda weird to have sleepovers with a bunch of people.

Green, black, red, blue, or silver are one of your favorite colors.

You love to go crazy and not care what people think.

Sports are fun.

Talk with food in your mouth.

Sleep with your socks on at night

TOTAL: 22 /25

YOUR GIRL SIDE: (bold applies to me)

You wear lip gloss/chapstick. You love to shop.

You wear eyeliner.

You wear the color pink

Go to your mom for advice.

You consider cheerleading a sport.

You hate wearing the color black.

You like hanging out at the mall.

You like getting manicures and/or pedicures.

You like wearing jewelry.

Skirts are a big part of your wardrobe.

Shopping is one of your favorite hobbies.

You don't like the movie Star Wars.

You were in gymnastics/dance.

It takes you around/ more one hour to shower, get dressed, and make-up. (I like long showers)

You smile a lot more than you should.

You have more than 10 pairs of shoes.

You care about what you look like.

You like wearing dresses when you can.

You like wearing body spray/perfume/cologne.

You love the movies.

Used to play with dolls as little kid.

Like putting make-up on someone else for the joy/joke of it. don't tell anyone!

Like being the star of every thing.

3/26

1. Tanith Low

2. Dusk

3. China Sorrows

4. Mr. Bliss

5. Ghastly Bespoke

6. Valkyrie Cain

7. Remus Crux

8. Thurid Guild

9. Skulduggery Pleasant

10. Davina Marr

11. Faceless one

12. Fletcher Renn

1) Have you read a five/ten (Ghastly/Davina) fic before?
No body's twisted enough to right one (please let me be right please let me be right)

2) Do you think three (China) is hot? How hot?

Well, OF COURSE she's the personification of beauty (Fuck you, Rosalie Hale. Go die). She's Mrs-I-shall-make-you-adore-me-with-just-one-glance-then-I-shall-swim-in-your-tears-when-I-leave-the-taxi-cab-your-driving

3) What would happen if six (Valkyrie) got one (Tanith) pregnant?

Everyone would rethink the laws of science.

4) Do you recall any good fics about nine (skulduggery)?

Where does the list begin...

5) Would seven (Remus) and two (Dusk) make a good couple?

Sure! Go plot and be insane in your little corner, love birds

6) Four/eight (Mr.Bliss/Thurid) or four/nine (Mr.Bliss/Skulduggery)?

Four/eight. We all know the reason Thurid wanted Bliss on the council was because Bliss was blackmailing him with their homemade porno.

7) What would happen if seven (Remus) discovered three (China) and eight (Thurid) in a secret relationship?

He'd... Go be boringly annoying someplace else, overjoyed at finally seeing a naked grand-mage.

8) Make a summary of at least twenty words for a two/six (Dusk/Valkyrie) fic.

Hmm... this could actually be ok.

:His target, his latest revenge-driven obsession. When Dusk finally captures 18 year old, sharp tongued, firey elemental Valkyrie Cain, he plans to make her suffer through the most cruel and creative tortures his vamparic mind can mix up. But EVERYONE knows the most important rule of being both a vampire and an assassin. Don't fall in love with your victim.

9). Is there such a thing as a four/ten (Mr. Bliss/Davina) romantic fluff story?

Pint 1: Bliss was dead before we knew who she was, so unless she has a thing for corpses... Point 2: Ew.

10) Suggest a title for a one/five (Tanith/Ghastly) Hurt/Comfort fic.

"Some scars never heal"

11. What kind of plot would you use for a three/eleven (China/Faceless One) fic?

Is WTF a plot-line?

12. Does anyone on your friends list read number seven (Remus) het? What about nine (Skulduggery) slash?

Thank god my friends dont read fanfiction, now I dont have to answer this screwed up question.

13. Would one (Tanith) want to have sex with twelve (Fletcher)?

Maybe if you swapped them around.

14. If you wrote a two/three/six (Dusk/China/Valkyrie) fic, what would the warning be?

Cover your eyes, throw your computer out a window and run to the nearest doctor to ask for a memory wipe.

15. What pick-up line might eight (Thurid) use on five (Ghastly)?

"Nice scratch marks. You must be a real animal." Eeeeeeeeew! Where the hell did that come from!? Run Ghastly RUUUN!

16. Challenge: Write a drabblefic for ten/eight (Davina/Thurid).
Umm...no

17) What would happen if Seven (Remus) walked in on Two (Dusk) and Twelve (Fletcher) having sex?

We will never know. It will never happen. I. Wont. Let. It. Happen. EVER.

18) What kind of plot would you use if you wanted Four (Mr. Bliss) to de-flower One (Tanith)?

See question 11.

19) Does anyone on your friends list read Seven (Remus) slash?

See question 12.

20) Does anyone on your friends list read Three (China) het?

See question 19.

21) Does anyone on your friends list write or draw Eleven (Faceless One)?

See question 20.

23) What might Ten (Davina) scream at a moment of great passion?

I got a RAAAAISE!!!!!!

24) When was the last time you read a fic about Five (Ghastly)?

Not that long ago.

25) What is Six's (Valkyrie) super-secret kink?

Why the fuck would you put those pictures in my mind?

26) Would Eleven (Faceless One) shag Nine (Skulduggery)?

Hey, Skulduggery was in that hell dimension for almost a year. Who knows what really happened?

27) If Three (China) and Seven (Remus) get together, who tops?

China. Remus would be like her little beardy slave.

28) "One (Tanith) and Nine (Skulduggery) are in a happy relationship until Nine (Skulduggery) suddenly runs off with Four (Mr. Bliss). One (Tanith), broken-hearted, has a hot one-night stand with Eleven (Faceless One) and a brief unhappy affair with Twelve (Fletcher ((it would be unhappy)) ), then follows the wise advice of Five (Ghastly) and finds true love with Two (Dusk)." What title would you give this fic?

"I've got a thing for the undead."

29) How would you feel if Seven/Eight (Remus/Thurid) was canon?
Spectacularly unsurprised.

This was really fun. Just change the characters and try yourself!

These are ACTUAL warnings on ACTUAL products

Liquid plummer-"Do not reuse the bottle to store beverages."

Arm and hammer scoopable cat litter-"safe to use around pets"

Endust duster-"This product is not defined flammable by the consumer products safety commission regulations. However this product can be ignited under certain circumstances"

Baby oil-"Keep out reach of children."

Hair coloring-"Do not use as an ice cream topping."

Sleeping pills-"Warning: may cause drowsiness" One would hope.

Komatsu Floodlight-"This floodlight is capable of illuminating large areas, even in the dark"

Earplugs-"These earplugs are nontoxic, but they may interfere with breathing if caught in windpipe." Are you sure? Lets experiment.

RCA television remote control-"Not dishwasher safe."

Road sign-"Caution: water on road during rain."

Hair dryer-"Do not use while sleeping" But thats the only time I have to work on my hair!

On a bar of Dial soap- "Directions: use like regaular soap" And that would be how?

Some Swann frozen dinners-"Serving sugestion: Defrost" But it's just a sugestion.

Tesco's dessert (printed on bottem of the box)-"Do not turn upside down" Too late! you lose!

Marks and Spencer Bread pudding: "Warning: product may be hot after heating." Wow, I would have never guessed!

Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." But wouldn't that save more time? Whose body?

Boots childrens cough medicine: "Do not drive or operate machinary." We could do alot to reduce construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year old off those fork lifts.

Korean kicthen knife: "Keep out of children." Hmm...I think something got lost in translation.

Christmas lights; "For indoor and outdoor use only." As opposed to outer space.

Food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." Now I'm curious.

Sainsbury's peanuts:"Warning: may contain nuts." But no peas?

American Airlines package of peanuts; "Instructions: open packet. Eat nuts." Someone got paid big bucks to write this one...

Swidish chainsaw:"Do not attept to stop chainsaw with hands." Raise your hand if you've tried this.

Child's surperman costume: "Wearing of this garmet does not enable you to fly." Oh go ahead. Thats right, destroy a universal childhood belief

Whats the last book you read? This Book is Full of Spiders, Seriously Dude Don't Touch It.

You now have a million dollars. What do you do? roll around in it.

Reach out and grab the closest thing to you. What is it? Grimm's Fairytales rewritten by Phillip Pullman

What are you writing RIGHT NOW? SELF-FULFILLING PROPHECY AKA: this answer.

Grab the nearest book to you, turn to page 19 and find the second paragraph. What is it? Uh, there's two equally close (They both hit me when I yanked, BTW. Cheers for that) One's 'Maximum Ride: School's Out Forever' which says: "I had time to think Uh-oh, and the the small explosive Iggy had stuck down the Eraser's shirt detonated, leaving and ugly, gaping hole in his chest. Shrieking, the Eraser plummeted heavily downward." and the other is the equally charming and oddly coincidentally fitting: ""The worst. I don't think he's ever forgotten the time I threw a bundle of dynamite at him. It didn't kill him obviously, but it definitely ruined his day." from Skulduggery Pleasant: Playing With Fire.

What are your thoughts on writing? as clichéd as this sounds (VERY), it's the only way i express my, uh. feelings. or even the mere fact that i have any. i like being someone else for a while.

How tall are you? Why?

What book are you currently reading? Just skipping through my favourite parts when I get bored.

Well, what do you like reading? Fantasty with a twist of romance and a heapful of humour. Things to hope for, you know? There're so many mundane, mediocure things in life - your escapes shouldn't be one of them.

What music are you listening to? my laptop as it gradually overheats. unless you count the music in my head. In that case, "Down For The Count" by Bowling for Soup is rattling around up there.

What was the last website you visited before fan fiction? Tumblr - the fans know everything first.

What was the last thing you cooked? cereal.

What color are the walls of the room you are in blue.

What is the weather like? raining.

Are you going on vacation this summer and where? nah

Anything else? now you're just getting lazy.

What's your favourite article of clothing? word shirts.

Who is the most special person to you? i'm not all that fond of people... i ;ove my Grandad, if that counts. he's like me, only homophobic and slightly racist.

One word that would best describe you? nope.

What's your favorite number? six. i was born on the 6th day of the 6th month and weighed exactly 6.6lbs, and two of my names (middle and last) have six letters in them. six sixes... or would that make it seven sixes? But if you counted the number of sixes and made it seven, it wouldn't be six anymore- uh. nevermind it doesn't even sound like a word now ffs sixsixsixsixsixsixisixsidcuh gjklkdjhfjkl;d.m n

What does your name mean? Emily-May? apparently Emily's French or Latin and means either 'Industrious,' or 'Rival/Emulating,' which means basically 'to imitate and surpass' and May means 'wished-for child,' 'rebellious,' or/and 'bitter.' my middle name means 'moon' and my surname represents 'A fighter armed with bows and arrows.' because Google is your friend.

What does your user name mean: that i'm content to remain unstable

What is your favorite Disney movie? Tangled - that or How to Train Your Dragon - they're even and, and, and oh Gods, there are no words- i can't even

What made you smile today?the rain.

Last thing you said out loud? "No fuck you."

Last rainbow you saw? i have no idea.

Do you want a hair cut? yES it reaches past my ribcage and it's fuckannoying i want it to my chin tops god why-

Are you musically inclined? i love it, but i can't do it.

Have you ever been in a fight? ish.

Anything else interesting happen to you in your life? meh.

What is your favorite outfit? boys' jeans (except not because i bought them so they are my jeans) interesting tops and a hoodie/leather jacket. converse or boots - something i can run in and kick in

If you could chose the dumbest thing you've ever said, what would it be? "I bet you I can jump that."

List 12 Characters From Your Fandom, In No Particular Order:

1. Jem Carstairs
2. Jessamine Lovelace
3. Will Herondale
4. Isabelle Lightwood
5. Gabriel Lightwood
6. Jace Wayland
7. Tessa Grey
8. Alec Lightwood
9. Clary Fray
10. Axel Mortmain
11. Simon Lewis
12. Magnus Bane

1. Have you ever read a 6 (Jace)/11 (Simon) fic? Do you want to?
Fuck no to both.

2. Do you think 4 (Izzy) is hot? How hot?
Oh, if I was into girls I'd so tap that.

3. What would happen if 12 (Mangus) got 8 (Alec) pregnant?
Um, I'm happy for them and all, but I think a few people'd be pissed at Magnus for screwing with physics. Stick to you spirit fingers, buddy.

4. Can you recall any fics about 9 (Clary)?
She's a main character, so one would hope.

5. Would 2 (Jessamine) and 6 (Jace) make a good couple?
Five minutes alone and Jace would either kill Jessamine for whining so much without putting out, or Jessamine would try to kill Jace. And he'd let her just to be put out of his misery.

6. 5 (Gabriel) /9 (Clary) or 5 (Gabriel) /10 (Mortmain)? Why?
Either. Like, if he dated Clary she might go off on him and he'd stop being a prick and realize girls are NOT FREAKING INFERIOR (bitch), but if he had a fling with Mortmain the lols would be off the charts. Plus it's easier access. Timeperiods are a bitch.

7. What would happen if 7 (Tessa) were to walk in on 2 (Jessamine) and 12 (Magnus) making out?
Leave them to it or fetch Will and Jem to see so that they could all be disturbed together.

8. Make up a summary for a 3 (Will)/10 (Mortmain) fic.
No. Just no. O_e

9. Is there any such thing as a 1 (Jem) /8 (Alec) fluff?
Fuck me, I hope not. Thank the Gods for time period differences.

10. Suggest a title for a 7 (Tessa) /12 (Magnus) hurt/comfort fic.
Say the Magic Word.

11. If you wrote a song-fic about 7 (Tessa), what song would you chose?
Long Live - Taylor Swift - Listen to it and tell me you don't agree. I love that song, it's perfect. PM me when your done!

12. If you wrote a 1 (Jem)/6 (Jace)/12 (Magnus) fic, what would your warning be?
Please throw this fic from a high window overlooking a burning, shark infested tsunami. That is all.

13. When was the last time you read a fic about 5 (Gabriel)?
Few days ago, a week maybe. He's a much neglected character, but I love him for some weird reason.

14. Would 1 (Jem) look if 2 (Jessamine) got lost?
Purely out of duty/the fact that he'd ridiculously nice. Not because anyone'd miss her.

15. What would 3 (Will) say if 4 (Izzy) killed 9 (Clary)?
"*Wolf whistle* Damn, my apologies - I just couldn't decide if I should break you up or throw water on you." Perv.

16. 7 (Tessa) goes to break up 10 (Mortmain) and 8 (Alec)'s wedding. What is their dialogue/ trialogue?

Tessa: Alec! Alec, stop! You can't do this! Please, Magnus is just about going insane looking for you! He loves you, you idiot! This'll kill him!

Alec: Heeeeeyy, Tessie! D'you wanna 'ave a - Hic - drink wiv ush? *Holds up empty bottle*

Tessa: Y-you got him drunk? Christ, Axel, that's low even for you.

Mortmain: Thanks.

Alec: Ooooooh, Tessie! I wuv you, you know that? Magnus loves you too, and I love Magnus ssssssssshhoooooo much, sh-so I've gotta wuv you like... Why s'nt he here? IT'S MY WEDDING DAY! WHERE'S MY BOYFEWND?!

Tessa: Dear God. *Calls Magnus* Get your sparkly ass over here, we have a crisis- ALEC PUT DOWN THE PREIST! HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE FRIENDS!

Magnus: *Pops in, zaps Mortmain and then pops away with Alec to rehab* Thanks, Tessie!

Tessa: *Stands over Mortmain* Alone at last, eh? *Cracks knuckles, smiles sweetly* My turn.

Mortmain: *Is never seen again*

17. Why is 6 (Jace) afraid of 7 (Tessa)?
Because she's a badass warlock hybrid who's probably the only thing on the planet that could beat him in a fight. (Like, she could turn into him and know all his moves and copy all his powers and basically kickass. I mean, over a century of life has to earn you some pretty awesome skills). Best Nephilim the world has ever known vs Best warlock the world has ever known would put WWE to shame. XD

18. 6 (Jace) and 7 (Tessa) are in a happy relationship until 6 (Jace) runs off with 9 (Clary). 7 (Tessa), brokenhearted, has a hot one-night stand with 12 (Magnus) and a brief unhappy affair with 2 (Jessamine), then follows the wise advice of 1 (Jem) and finds true love with 3 (Will).
Holy fuck. O_o That could be canon...

19. Four (Izzy) invites Three (Will) and Eight (Alec) to their house for dinner. What happens?
It is extremely awkward because they have nothing in common except hair colours. Will and Alec would gawp at each other, convinced that the opposite was an evil twin. Everyone'd get food poisoning from Izzy's cooking which they'd actually be thankful for 'cause it's mean they could go home and never speak of this again.

20. Nine (Clary) tries to get Five (Gabriel) to go to a yoga class. What happens?
He'd say no. She'd glare and get Jace to drag him anyway. Cue hysteria from Will.

21. You need to stay at a friend's house. Do you choose One (Jem) or Six (Jace)?
Love 'em both. I'd probably just make all three of us have a joint sleepover. If I couldn't, I'd crash with Jem - Jace'd draw on my face in my sleep.

22. Two (Jessamine) and Seven (Tessa) are making out. Ten (Mortmain) walks in... Their reaction?
Ahahahaha, oh that would NEVER HAPPEN. Bitch. And Mortmain'd probably just kidnap Tessa while she was, aaaaah, otherwise occupied.

23. Three (Will) falls in love with Six (Jace). Eight (Alec) is jealous. What happens?
I'm guessing this is pre-CoG? Cool. Alec would probably just glare at will while taking sneak photos and touching up Will's image slightly until it looks like him. Cue disturbing, fangirlish slash fantasies. XP

24. Four (Izzy) jumps you in a dark alleyway. Who comes to your rescue? Ten (Mortmain), Two (Jessamine), or Seven (Tess)?
Well, I'm fucked. Tessa'd probably try, but that'd just result in BOTH of us getting dragged away to shop.

25. One (Jem) decides to start a cooking show. 15 minutes later, what happens?
It'd go irritatingly perfectly, like everything he tries, but then Will'd fall onto the scene and start mixing wine in with everything and then Jem'd have to beat him over the head with a rolling pin. Viewings would be off the charts, and they'd be loaded forever. :D

26. Three (Will) has to marry either Eight (Alec), Four (Izzy), or Nine (Clary). Who do they choose?
Alec. Then he'd gag him. Without him speaking, marrying Alec would just be like marrying himself, looks wise. He'd die happy (can we just excuse the fact that the ego is a clever defence mechanism to mask his true inner turmoil and self-detestment? Kaythnxbai).

27. Seven (Tess) kidnaps Two (Jessamine), and demands something from Five (Gabriel) for Two (Jessamine)'s release. What is it?
Will's head on a platter. Even though Gabriel couldn't give a damn about Jessamine, he'd be more than happy to oblige. ;)

28. You get to meet either Two (Jessamine) or Six (Jace). Who do you choose?
Where I'd love to have a snark off with Jace, I'd pick Jessamine just so I could kick her in the head. :D

29. Ten (Mortmain) challenges Four (Izzy) to a chariot race. What happens?
She slashes his tires and then tramples him. Everyone else then proceeds to kick the hell out of his unconscious form.

30. Everyone gangs up on Three (Will). What happens?
SARCASM OVERLOAD!

31. Everyone is invited to Two (Jessamine) and Ten (Mortmain)'s wedding except for Eight (Alec). How do they react?
Blinks. "So?"

33. Ten (Mortmain) gathers everyone around to tell them a fairytale. How does it go?

He gets arrested 'cause he just about spouted his entire evil plot, complete with the happy ending of a bloodbath and the end of the Clave.

ok peace and stuff.

HAVE A NICE DAY or not i mean i'm not, like, trying to tell you what to do, or anything.