Hello! My profile is currently being edited, since I haven't touched it for over a year. I apologize for any inconvenience.

Call me TJ!

My Tumblr is here

Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.

Person #1: Happiness is just around the corner! Person #2: Too bad the world is round!

It's all a conspiracy. Babies come from robots.
"Diamonds are a girls best friend...because they're sharper than knives."
Please note : Christmas is cancelled - apparently you told Santa you were good this year ... and he died laughing
One day we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
The only reason I'm here is because heaven wouldn't have me and hell was afraid I'd take over.
I ran with scissors, and lived!
You know when you say "No offense', you're actually saying, 'I'm going to diss you now...I hope you dont mind".
"Whoever said nothing is impossible, never tried to slam a revolving door,"- Unknown
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. But if the doctor is cute, screw the fruit!
Pluto was declared no longer a planet on August 27, 2006, because it was "too small" and "off its orbit" for some scientists' likings. If you think Pluto should still be a planet, copy and paste this to your profile. LONG LIVE PLUTO!
Silence is golden but duct tape is silver.

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION - RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

Q. Hermes asked you to help him repopulate Olympus...what is your answer to this disturbing question?
A. I'm not your type.

In loving memory of...

...Luke Castellan, who died to save Olympus and will always be remembered as a hero

...Zoe Nightshade, who went on a quest knowing very well that she would die

...Bianca di Angelo, who sacrificed herself to save her friends

...Daedalus, who died to prevent Luke's army from using the Labyrinth

...Silena Beauregard, who died a hero

...Charles Beckendorf, who let himself die for the sake of a mission's success

...Ethan Nakumura, who redeemed himself in the end only to be killed by Kronos

...Everyone else who died in the Titan War

The dinosaur's extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all committed suicide.

"People often ignore the simple things in life. If someone really annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown. On the other hand, it only takes 4 muscles to reach over and bitch slap that mother fucker upside the head!"

Everyone is entitled to being stupid, but you just abuse the privilege.
I would say "screw you" but I think too many people already have.

Don't follow in my footsteps. I run into walls.

THINGS YOU NEVER WANT TO HEAR WHILE UNDERGOING SURGERY:

1. "Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."

2. "Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop."

3. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

4. "Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!"

5. "Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"

6. "Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingy."

7. "Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."

8. "Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"

9. "Damn, there go the lights again..."

10. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of them."

11. "What do you mean you want a divorce?"

12. "Ooooops!"

Ohh my, you clearly are oblivious to the fact that your eyes do so much damage.

They say kissing is the language of love. Care to indulge in a little convo?

I didn't fall for you... You tripped me.

We have a communication problem and I don't wanna talk about it.

I have skittles in my mouth... wanna taste the rainbow?

If nothing lasts forever, can i be your nothing?

Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species.

Don't be suprised if a fat guy in a red suit stuffs u in a bag in the middle of the niight because i asked for you for christmas

The Percy Jackson pledge:

I promise to remember Percy
Whenever I'm at sea
I promise to remember Annabeth
Whenever a spider comes at me
I promise to protect nature
For Grover's sake of course
I promise to remember Luke
When my heart fills with remorse
I promise to remember Chiron
Whenever I see a sign that says ''Free Pony Ride''
I promise to remember Tyson
Whenever a friend says they'll stick by my side
I promise to remember Thalia
Whenever a friend is scared of heights
I promise to remember Clarisse
Whenever I see someone that gives me a fright
I promise to remember Bianca
Whenever I see a sister scold her younger brother
I promise to remember Nico
Whenever I see someone who doesn't get along with others
I promise to remember Zoe
Whenever I watch the stars
I promise to remember Rachel
Whenever a limo passes my car
I promise to remember the gods
and remember what they do
I do this for my love for them
and it will ALWAYS be renewed
Yes I promise to remember PJO
Wherever I may go
Now swear it on the River Styx!

There is stupid coming out of your mouth hole again

I wear black because it blends well with my soul.

A stranger stabs you in the front; a friend stabs you in the back; a boyfriend stabs you in the heart, but best friends only poke each other with straws.

The words 'Can you get up and do this simple thing for me?' never seem to register in my brain.

Deja vu- when you've done something you think you've done before, its because God thought it was so funny, he had to rewind it for his friends to see.

Would you like a cookie? So would I.

My mullet is better than yours . . . it's been blowtorched, and it comes OFF!

Knowledge is power and power corrupts. Study hard; be evil.

I Googled you today and I'm disturbed with what I found.

EVER WONDER:

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? (OH, NO.)

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? (Ah. Good point!)

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Kids Are Quick

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER: Glen, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLEN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLEN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand. (I wouldn't either!)

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.

Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying...
Sincerely, Google

Dear 6,
Please stop spreading rumors about me eating 9. You shouldn't be talking. I hear you guys do some pretty nasty things.
Sincerely, 7

Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely, Unicorns

Dear Impossible,
Screw you. I just made a campfire underwater.
Sincerely,
Spongebob

Don't play stupid with me...I'm better at it!

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you.

Person: Hola!

Spanish person: *speaks fast mad spanish*

Person: DUDE SLOW DOWN! DORA DIDN'T TEACH ME THAT YET!

Girl's status: *is now single*

Boy: Haha what a lose- wait that's my girl friend /:

Remember in third grade when the teachers said we need to learn cursive because we're going to use it for the rest of our lives? Haha they lied

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing".

Man: "So, want to go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not enter"

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Percy Jackson Quotes

Zoe: Let us find the dam snack bar, we should eat while we can. Grover: The dam snack bar? Zoe: Yes. What is funny? "Nothing," Grover said, trying to keep a straight face. "I could use some dam french fries." Even Thalia smiled at that. "And I need to use the dam restroom."...I started cracking up, and Thalia and Grover joined in, while Zoe just looked at me. "I do not understand." "I want to use the dam water fountain," Grover said. "And..." Thalia tried to catch her breath. "I want to buy a dam t-shirt." - The Titan's Curse

Ever had a flying burrito hit you? Well, it's a deadly projectile, right up there with cannonballs and grenades." - Percy Jackson (Titan's Curse)

"Be careful of love. It'll twist your brain around and leave you thinking up is down and right is wrong." - Aphrodite (Titan's Curse)

"New lesson, class," I announced. "Most monsters will vaporize when sliced with a celestial bronze sword. This change is completely normal, and will happen to you right now if you don't BACK OFF!" - Percy Jackson (Battle of the Labyrinth)

"You might as well ask an artist to explain his art, or ask a poet to explain his poem. It defeats the purpose. The meaning is only clear thorough the search." - Apollo (Titan's Curse)

"Love is powerful. It can bring the gods to their knees." - Aphrodite (The Lost Hero)

"There is always a way out for those clever enough to find it."-Athena (Titan's Curse)

"Even strength must bow to wisdom sometimes." - Annabeth Chase (The Lightning Thief)

"See lady, that's what happens to snow in Texas. It-FREAKIN'-Melts!"-Leo Valdez (The Lost Hero)

Percy: Braccas meas vascimini!" I wasn't sure where the Latin came from. I think it meant, "Eat my pants!"' (The Lightning Thief)

Percy: I'm not saying hello to a pink poodle. Forget about it. Annabeth: Percy, I said hello to the poodle. You say hello to the poodle. The poodle growled. I said hello to the poodle. (The Lightning Thief)

Percy: You're pretty smug, Lord Ares, for a guy who runs from Cupid statues. (The Lightning Thief)

Percy: Hubris? You mean that brown stuff you put on vegetables? Annabeth: That's hummus. Hubris is much worse. Percy: What could be worse than hummus?

- Percy & Annabeth, Sea of Monsters

"Spouted facts all the time. So annoying." "I wish she was here." The others nodded. -Percy and Grover, (Titan's Curse)

I nodded, looking at Rachel with respect. "You hit the Lord of the Titans in the eye with a blue plastic hairbrush."' (Battle of Labyrinth)

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the
store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. (my favorite)My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do." (What wonderful parents?!)

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to stay that
way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

"Dear math I don't want to solve your problems I have my own to solve."

"Some people need a high five... in the face... with a chair."

"It's a beautiful day, now watch some idiot screw it up."

"Algebra I'm not going to find your X she's not coming back!"

You have to read this! The human race is very stupid if they actually put these things on actual consumer labels...

On a Myer hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping."
(Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of
Chips:
"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details
inside."
(The shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Palmolive soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(And that would be how?)

On some frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(But, it's just a suggestion).

On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
"Do not turn upside down".
(Well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating".
(And you thought...?)

On packaging for a K-Mart iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(But wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after
taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction
accidents if we could just get those 5 year olds with head
colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause
drowsiness."
(And I am taking this...because?)

On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(As opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use."
(Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit
curious.)

On packet of Nobbys'
Peanuts:-
"Warning: contains nuts."
(Talk about a news flash!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

I don't blame the company; I blame the parents for
this one:
On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable
you to fly".

On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or
genitals".
(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

On a package of pasta after the cooking insturctions:
"Put on fork and eat."
(No! Really? We're supposed to eat food?!)

- Sarcasm isn't an attitude, it's an ART.

I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me!!

They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming like the passengers in his car.'

Death is life’s way of saying you’ve been fired.

One day your prince will come. Mine? Oh, he just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is to stubborn to ask directions.

It's you and me versus the world...we attack at dawn.

The trouble with life is there's no background music

I am on a quest to the deepest, darkest corners of my room in search of what some would call "a floor" - a long and difficult task awaits me. Wish me luck my friends for I may not return alive.

God made man, knew he could do better, and made woman.

I was about to conquer the world but then I got distracted by something shiny

They laugh because we're losers...We laugh because they just figured it out.

To me, “FEARLESS” is not the absence of fear. It’s not being completely unafraid. To me, FEARLESS is having fears. FEARLESS is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, FEARLESS is living in spite of those things that scare you to death...I think love is FEARLESS- Taylor Swift

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning how to dance in the rain.- Anonymous

Love is like playing the piano. First you must learn to play by the rules, then you must forget the rules and play from your heart.- Unknown

Dance as though no one is watching. Love as though you have never loved before. Sing as though no one can here you. Live as though heaven is on earth.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.- Eleanor Roosevelt

"You love me. Real or not real?" "Real."- Mockingjay; Peeta Mellark & Katniss Everdeen

Be insane- well behaved people never made history.

To the world you are just one person, but to one person, you're the world.

"Sir, we're surrounded!" "Excellent, we can attack in any direction!"

Love is giving someone the ability to destroy you, but trusting them not to.

Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never knew.

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe." Albert Einstein

"A room without books is like a body without a soul." Marcus Cicero

"Smile, don’t frown. Look up, don’t look down. Believe in yourself, don’t let yourself go. Just be who you are, and let your live flow."

"Be yourself; everyone else is already taken." Oscar Wilde

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye." - Miss Piggy

"We all die. The goal isn't to live forever, the goal is to create something that will." - Chuck Palahniuk,

"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."

"I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world."

"The flower that blooms in adversity is the rarest and most beautiful of all." - The Emperor (Mulan)

If someone insults you say 'How sweet thanks for noticing' and walk away

If you like to jump in rain puddles and don't care about your clothes, you're not alone

Yes, I hit like a girl. You could too if you hit a bit harder.

A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though they know that you are slightly cracked.

"I survived 9-11, Ice Storm 08, and Swine 09. Doomsday 2012? BRING IT ONNNNN!" -Facebook

"Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square hole. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do."

Harry Potter Quotes

Dudley: They stuff people's heads down the toilet the first day at Stonewall. Want to come upstairs and practice? Harry: No, thanks. The poor toilet's never had anything as horrible as your head down it -- it might be sick.

-Harry & Dudley (The Philosopher's/Sorcerer's Stone)

1st Weasley Twin: Oh, are you a prefect, Percy? You should have said something, we had no idea. 2nd Weasley Twin: Hang on, I think I remember him saying something about it. Once -- 1st Weasley Twin: Or twice -- 2nd Weasley Twin: A minute -- 1st Weasley Twin: All summer -- Percy: Oh, shut up!

-The Weasley Twins & Percy (The Philosopher's/Sorcerer's Stone)

Professor McGonagall: Well, thank you for that assessment, Mr Weasley. Perhaps it would be more useful if I were to transfigure Mr Potter and yourself into a pocket watch. That way, one of you might be on time.

-Professor McGonagall (The Philosopher's/Sorcerer's Stone)

Dumbledore: I was unfortunate enough in my youth to come across a vomit-flavored one, and since then I have rather lost my liking for them. But, I think I could be safe with a nice toffee. (eats it) Dumbledore: ...Hmm, alas, earwax.

-Albus Dumbledore (The Philosopher's/Sorcerer's Stone)

(in the Devil's Snare) Hermione: Stop moving, both of you. This is devil's snare! You have to relax. If you don't, it'll only kill you faster! Ron: Kill us faster? Oh, now I can relax!

Harry: So light a fire! Hermione: Yes... of course... but there's no wood! Ron: HAVE YOU GONE MAD! ARE YOU A WITCH OR NOT!

Ron: "A Study of Hogwarts' Prefects and Their Later Careers." That sounds fascinating.

Fred: Oh get out of the way, Percy. Harry's in a hurry. George: Yeah, he's off to the Chamber of Secrets for a cup of tea with his fanged servant.

Ron: Why spiders? Why couldn't it be "follow the butterflies"?

Ron: Can you believe our luck? Of all the trees we could've hit, he had to get one that hits back.

Draco: Sure you can manage that broom, Potter? Harry: Yeah, reckon so Draco: Got plenty of special features, hasn't it? Shame it doesn't come with a parachute-in case you get too near a Dementor. (Crabbe and Goyle sniggered) Harry: Pity you can't attach an extra arm to yours, Malfoy. Then it could catch the Snitch for you.

Ron: Right, you've got a crooked sort of cross… (consulting "Unfogging the Future") That means you're going to have 'trials and suffering' -- sorry about that -- but there's a thing that could be a sun… hang on… that means 'great happiness'… so you're going to suffer but be very happy… Harry: You need your Inner Eye tested, if you ask me…

Professor Trelawney: Would anyone like me to help interpret the shadowy realms within their orb? Ron (whispering to Harry): I don't need help. It's obvious what this means. There's going to be loads of fog tonight.

Ron: Don't talk to me. Hermione: Why not? Ron: Because I want to fix that in my memory forever… Ron (his eyes closed): Draco Malfoy, the amazing bouncing ferret...

''No story lives unless someone wants to listen. The stories we love best do live in us forever. So whether you come back by page or by the big screen, Hogwarts will always be there to welcome you home."

— J.K. Rowling

Thankes a bunches for reading this wall of text that is my profile! Stay Awesome!!!!