REALLY BIG ANNOUNCEMENT FOR THOSE WHO CARE:

Hey everyone! As the title of this implies, I have a really big announcement for those of you who really enjoy my work. During the 2016-17 school year, my parent's signed me up for a collaborative novel-writing class. As one would expect, the purpose of this class is to help young writers learn the proper way to plan, organize, write, edit their work, and subsequently, grow in their passion. We do this by not just by being taught a lesson in class and turning in homework, but by actually writing a novel together and publishing it.

Thus, as of May 2017, I can now proudly say that I am, officially, a published author of a collaborative novel called, "The Rise of Eveningfall," that also has seven other writers and contributors. If you're interested in reading this, please go to the Amazon link I have down below, and order a copy. The paperback is only 10 dollars, and the eBook version is only 6, I believe. All proceeds go to future scholarships for the newest, upcoming novel-writing class.

But the fun doesn't just stop there, either. Ha-ha, no sir-ee, because I took the novel-writing again this school year (2017-2018), and I helped to co-write another book! This year's book is called "Missing in Murkywater," and its release date is May 1st, 2018 - only a few days away from the writing of this message. It's a very different book from "The Rise of Eveningfall," but it was just as fun, and I am super excited to have my name on it. If you don't know if you want to check it out, though, feel free to go to our Facebook page. There, we've been giving followers a taste of what the book will be like. We also have the posts from last year's book still up as well, so feel free to browse those posts too.

Thanks for any involvement you have in the books that I have a hand in! Y'all are great!

Links - General

facebook . com/ClassSourceNovel/ - Facebook Page for Year 4 novel and on

facebook . com/MurkywaterGazette/ - Facebook page for Year 3 novel and down

classsourcenovel . wordpress . com/ - Class Source Blog

Links - The Rise of Eveningfall

amazon . com/Eveningfall-Class-Source-Novel-Writing/dp/1545467951/refsr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1502420043&sr=8-1&keywords=theriseofeveningfall

twitter . com/TomlinMaddox

Links - Missing in Murkywater

amazon . com/Missing-Murkywater-Class-Source-Novel/dp/1986878511/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1525012584&sr=8-1&keywords=missinginmurkywater

If you love the crap out of SweetyKinz, copy and paste this into your profile. (That's my twin-sissy that likes to stalk me while I sleep!)

THREE K PLUS

Whaz up?! Welcome to my profile! If you expect to find things personal about me, you would be wrong! If you're here to find funny things, you're in the right place! Now, please, have fun! Or not. I dun really care, nor will I ever. Is that cold? Yes. Am I still apathetic? Always. *thumbs up*

If you put mayo on your mashed potatoes (not sour cream, but mayo), copy and paste this into your profile. (YUMMY!!!)

If your version of a taco is a soft tortilla shell with nothing but sour cream on it, copy and paste this into your profile. (I've been told I need to eat better.)

If one of your thumbs is bigger than the other one, copy and paste this into your profile. (Don't ask...)

If you have no life, copy and paste this into your profile. (I do not.)

If you see a white van and automatically assume it's either a rapist or a kidnapper, copy and paste this into your profile. (RUN FOR THE BUSHES!!)

If you have scared anyone so bad that they left you in under twenty minutes, copy and paste this into your profile. (I'm amazing like that.)

If you will think of stuff later to add to your profile, copy and paste this into your profile. (Again, no life...)

If you're your pretty friend's bodyguard against any boy that tries to ask her out, copy and paste this in your profile. (Even when I'm not there, it still works when she tells people she has a bodyguard.)

If you have a song about you murdering people that your friends made up, copy and paste this into your profile. (...I just happen to be the dark, violent one in my posse...)

If you have a best friend on Fan-Fiction, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you love Batman with a passion, copy and paste this into your profile. (I LOVE YOU!!)

If you love Danny Phantom with a passion, copy and paste this into your profile. (He's my cartoon crush.)

If you are skilled at breaking hair-clips, copy and paste this into your profile. (3 clips. 1 year.)

If you love butter on your saltines, copy and paste this into your profile. (Soooo goooood.)

If you have ever posted something and then thought over and over 'That was cruel. That was cruel. That was cruel.', copy and paste this into your profile.

If your younger sibling refers to you as "the big guns", copy and paste this into your profile. (Every time she wants me to hit someone, she calls "the big guns".)

If you have a hero on this site and your hero liked something of yours, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you refer to Spongebob as either "Spring-Boob Squire-Pants" or "The Mutant Retarded Sponge", copy and paste this into your profile.

If you somehow managed to find friends that would willing use yours and your fictional crush's wedding as an excuse to get free things, copy and paste this into your profile. (I am now apparently married to Jason Todd. I am ok with this.)

If you've seen a tall, fat guy driving a Smart Car and you found it extremely hilarious, copy and paste this into you profile. (JCP parking lot, thank you for that wonderful experience.)

If you enjoy beating the crap out of your favorite characters with the angst stick and then find it funny to blame it on their enemies, copy and paste this into your profile. (Kadzait: *shakes head* Why am I friends with you? Me: You tell me. I've been asking myself that for a long time.)

If you're best friend from REAL LIFE (yes, sadly, real life does exist) is on FanFiction.net and you both favorited each other, copy and paste this into your profile. (Sadly, my idiotic friend put her pen-name as 'Raindowdash77'. On the bright side, the other one is the frikkin fantastic SweetyKinz, whom I love dearly. And now fifibear0 had joined the crew! XD)

If you haven't died yet, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you can and will kick the crap out of any boy you know, copy and paste this onto your profile to warn them.

If you've ever had a mad laughing fit for no reason, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever copied and pasted something onto your profile, copy and paste this onto your profile.

Admitting you are weird means you are normal. Saying that you are normal is odd. If you admit that you are weird and like it, copy this onto your profile.

If you're one of those people who get excited when you see just two reviews, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you believe in Jesus Christ put this in your profile and don't just ignore this, because in the Bible it says if you deny me, I will deny you in front of my Father in the gates of Heaven.

If you realize that copying and pasting things into your profile is pointless, yet you do it anyway, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have embarrassing memories that make you want to smack yourself/ someone else, copy this into your profile.

If you are against real fur on clothing then put this on your profile.

If you actually take the time to read other people's profiles, put this in yours.

If you like to read what people put in their profiles, and you like Copy& Paste stuff, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have copied and pasted more than 10 things into your profile, copy and paste this into your profile

If you have a little bit of Deception in you, paste this onto your profile!

If you enjoy fantasy in general, copy this into your profile.

If you are addicted to copy and pastes, copy and paste this into your profile.

I'm bored...If you're bored then paste this in your profile and let the world know you have nothing to do...

If you are against any kind of abuse, copy and paste this to your profile.

65 percent of teenagers spend more time watching TV rather then reading ,if you are part of the 35 percent who read more than watch TV and are proud of it, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have a very wide range of interests, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you are so bored in school and you create fanfictions in your head, copy and paste this into your profile.

"I walk, talk, eat and sleep on earth, but I live my life in a completely different world." If this sentence describes you, copy and paste on your profile.

If you ever wished you could talk to animals or be an animal, copy and paste this into your profile. (imagine being an eagle... stares dreamily into the distance)

If you would die for your faith, copy this into your profile.

If you love the music you listen to, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you read your own stories or profile just for the heck of it,copy and paste this to your prof.

If you always have more than one tab open when on the computer, copy and paste

If you have a story in your head, copy and paste this into your profile.

Pluto was declared no longer a planet on August 27 of 2006 just because it was 'too small' and 'off its orbit' for a couple scientists' likings! If you still think Pluto should be a planet then copy and paste this to your profile! LONG LIVE PLUTO!

If you don't know why people can't get it through their heads that members of the opposite sex can just be friends, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever read started to read a chapter in a fanfiction, got side-tracked, and forgot to review and realized it after the author posted another chapter, copy and paste this on your profile.

If you don't 'obsess!', you just think intensely, post this on your profile.

If you like chocolate as much as I do, copy this to your profile.

If you think the school week is way too long and weekends are way too short, copy this onto your profile.

If Fanfiction to you is what MySpace is to other people, copy this into your profile.

92 of the teens have moved onto rap. If you are part of the 8 that still listens to real music, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you hate those irritating mosquitos giving you mosquito bites copy this in your profile.

If you're against animal cruelty (horse slaughter, bear baiting, dolphin hunting, chimp slavery etc.) then copy this into your profile!

If you avoid teen fads and don't live your life according to others copy and paste this.

If you've ever threatened a computer or video game console, copy and paste this into your profile.

I once read that only math can save us now. Put this in your profile if you're screwed.

If you talk to yourself and aren't afraid to admit it to anyone, copy and paste this in your profile.

If you often laugh maniacally when you're all by yourself, please copy and paste this into your profile.

99.5 percent of teenagers and kids have a myspace and are literally addicted, if you are the 0.5 who thinks myspace is a dumb way to make friends, relationships, etc. post this onto your profile.

If you've ever had a dream about an anime/book/video game, etc. character, copy this onto your profile.

If you don't do drugs (They are nasty), copy/paste this into your profile

If you like to write, copy/paste this into your profile.

If you have ever said something that had nothing to do with your current conversation, copy and paste this into your profile!

If you spend at least 3 hours a day looking at fanfictions...writing fanfictions...or looking at others profiles than copy and paste this on your profile!

FANFICTION: MY ANTI-DRUG. because, who has time for drugs if you're reading and plotting and writing and checking reviews? If this is true for you, copy and paste this to your profile.

If you daydream 24/7, copy this to your profile.

Even when you cant see him GOD is there! if you belive in GOD put this in your profile

You think that writing Fanfic stories is fun then copy this onto your profile!

Many writers don't know the difference between 'your' and 'you're.' If you happen to understand this mundanely ridiculous fact, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have your own little world, copy and paste this to your profile.

If you want to be a writer and fanfiction is just the beginning, paste this into your profile.

People of the world who HATE math UNITE! If you hate math paste this into your profile.

If you think that Writer's Block sucks, copy and paste this into your profile.

Too many people have smoked marijuana. If you haven't, put this in your profile.

Drugs are bad news. Spread the word.

If you think cookies are awesome copy this onto your profile.

If you think writing is AWESOME copy this onto your profile.

If you think that life without computers is useless then copy this to your profile.

If you think the human identification thing when you log in to fan fiction is annoying, copy and past this into your profile.

If you are sometimes anti-social, but still really personable, copy this to your profile.

If you are obsessed with something considered childish for someone your age, copy this into your profile.

If you are obsessed with fanfiction copy this into your profile.

If you spend most of your life on youtube.com or fanfiction.net and you admit to it...you admit to having no life...if you do...copy and paste this to your profile!!

If you aren't me, paste this on your profile.

If you have a profile, paste this on your profile.

If you have any secrets, paste this on your profile.

If you're on the computer, paste this on your profile.

If you have music in your soul, copy this into your profile.

99 percent of all fanfiction, AMVs, fanart etc are Yaoi. If you are part of the last 1 percent that believes in non-Yoai pairings, put this into your profile.

If you love life, you better copy and paste this on your profile.

95 percent of girls would scream and cry if the guy who plays Edward in Twilight jumped off the Empire State Building without a bungee cord or anything. 4 percent would grab popcorn and yell "COOL!" If you are part of the 1 percent who would be pushing him off, add this to your profile!

99.9% of girls would die if Justin Beiber went missing if you are the remaining .1% that would be poking your prisoner with a metal stick put this on your profile (DOWN WITH JUSTIN BEIBER!!!!)

If you know sugar is the greatest plant ever grown, copy and paste this into your profile

If you think that writing Fanfic stories is fun then copy this onto your profile.

If you love to read, put this in your profile

If sleep doesn't ever come easy, copy and paste this into your profile.

ǝƃɐd ɹnoʎ oʇuo sIɥʇ ǝʇsɐd puɐ ʎdoɔ 'sʎɐs sɥʇ ʇɐɥʍ ʇno ǝɹnƃIɟ oʇ ɥƃnouǝ ʇɹɐɯs ǝɹɐ noʎ ɟI

If there is a specific genre you can't write to save your life, copy and paste this into your profile. (*cough*romance*cough, cough*)

If you're bored and you want a longer profile, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have ever pushed a pull door, or vice versa, copy this into your profile.

If you have ever run into a door, copy this into your profile.

If you have ever tripped over your own feet, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have ever fallen up the stairs, copy this into your profile.

If you mumble while you write/read and you do it unconsciously and don't realize you're doing it until someone asks what you just said, copy and paste this into your profile.

Ninety-five percent of the kids out there are concerned with being popular and fitting in. If you're part of the five percent who aren't, copy this, put it in your profile, and add your name to the list: AnimeKittyCafe, Hyperactivley Bored, Gem W, Bara-Minamino, Yavie Aelinel, Crazy Billie Joe Loving Freak, Shadow929, The Astrology Nerd, Band8PGeek, tootierulez, VRV Robo, rogue_scholar07, art-is-a-bang-yeah, KodiakWolfe13,

FANFICTION- UNITED NATIONS! Has anyone else noticed how a lot of us get along and make friends on here and we can be from completely different countries? We're here making world peace on the INTERNET and we have all those ambassadors and senators and whatever struggling with it! If you realize this (or read this and agreed) copy and paste this and add your name and country (country is optional) to the list. SPREAD THE PEACE!: Naruto-fan-Okami-chan (USA), DGMSilverAirHead03(USA), Crystal Amethyst (Armenia), InoueR0xO (Pakistan), poohxebony (USA), DreamingInThePast (Spain), loves2readandwrite (USA), SeaDevil (Sweden), Vampgal212 (U.K.), Verdigurl ( New Zealand), Animerockchic (Republic of Ireland), Momoka64 (USA), Ve Kuraresa Bleach (USA), AFleetingPhantom (U.K.), EpicHeroLaugh(USA), Fruity-Dragonfly (USA), 9foxgrl (USA), UnitedOsprey1991(USA), Dragonwolf12 (USA,), Ronanprime (USA) Crazy By Insane (USA), KodiakWolfe13 (USA),

If you have ever tripped over your own feet, copy and paste this into your profile.

There is nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you argue with yourself and lose when it's weird. If you agree, copy this and put it in your profile.

If you've gotten completely zoned out of a conversation that you don't even remember what you were talking about, copy and paste this in your profile.

If you have your own little world, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever walked into a doorway you could have clearly dodged, you just weren't paying close enough attention, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you like to read what people put in their profiles, and you like Copy and Paste stuff, copy and paste this into your profile.

If there are times when you wanna annoy people just for the heck of it, copy this into your profile.

If you actually take the time to read other people's profiles, put this in yours.

If you've ever threatened a computer or video game console, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have EVER yelled at a TV after getting frustrated at someone who can't hear you, put this on your profile.

If books are your life and you couldn't possibly live without them, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have ever read a 300 pg book or more in less than one day, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you support Jack Sparrow and his jar of dirt, paste this into your profile.

If you have ever fallen up the stairs, copy this into your profile.

If you have ever yelled at the book you were reading because the characters did something stupid, post this on your profile.

If you love rain, copy this into your profile.

If you are in la la land most of the time, copy this into your profile.

If you have ever tripped over air, copy this into your profile.

If you've ever wished you could go into a book and strangle some of the characters for being so incredibly dumb, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've walked under something that was about two feet above your head and ducked anyway, copy and paste this is your profile.

If you've ever yelled at an inanimate object for not listening to you, copy and paste this into your profile.

If that inanimate object now hates you more because you yelled at it, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have ever had done something or said something that made perfect sense to your real friends and only caused your "peers" to look at you strangely and roll their eyes, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you know you'd give anything in the world to be a little kid again, so that you could run to your parents and share everything with them, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you know that it's never going to happen, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever snuck on fanfiction when you were supposed to be doing something else -say, your homework- copy and paste into your profile.

If you have ever burst out laughing about something in a book and people look at you weird, copy and paste this on your profile.

If you have a tendency to talk/sing to yourself, copy and paste this to your profile.

Look People. I just want to come out and say no matter who you are, what you do, your world view or race everyone deserves to right to voice their opinions and fight for what they believe. Challenging others is how people grow in their views as they are forced to find points to support themselves. For me (as a christian) I find having friends who don't believe in my views are able to strike great convosations and point out various flaws in my beliefs, but it is them who help me to grow in not only my own faith, but also to be able to gain insight into their views and in a lot of cases they force me to go, 'Hey, you're right. I can't explain that and I see your point.' Just because you believe in one faith doesn't mean you have to be close minded. This is my gift to you reader... remember somethings can be explained, some cannot, and some points have faults but everyone is entitled to their own opinion and thusly you should never discriminate and think lower of those who don't share your views. This is something I wanted to share with you reader and I want to say thanks for giving your time to read this. Add your name to the following list if you understand the above and want to embrace it: Gigabyte2598, KodiakWolfe13,

The "You no like, you no read" club: If you believe that people who don't like someone's story should simply not read it instead of posting cruel and hateful reviews, copy and paste this into your profile and add your name to the list: Alicia's Purple Velvet Purse, changelingchild, crimsonchidori, SasukeSakuraxXXxItachiSakura, cherryredblossom,BLOSSOMHEARTXOXO, Kagome-Loves-Kouga, Jessica01, Jidt, Horseluvr14, I'mdancinonthefloorforacartoon,Timmylover,Silent Phantom gal, Video/GamingFreak1213, BeliveInYourDreams, BringbackDannyPhantom, KodiakWolfe13

If you've become so popular that someone made a copy and paste that says "If you love *so-and-so, copy and paste," copy and paste this into your profile. (THIS WAS NOT MY IDEA. IT WAS SWEETYKINZ'S. IT'S ALL HER FAULT BUT IT'S OK BECAUSE I GOT HER BACK.)

Other Websites You Can Follow Me On:

For my FictionPress stories, go here: KodiakWolfe13's FictionPress

For my Wattpad, where things are cross-posted like crazy: wattpad . com/user/KodiakWolfe13

Peace Treaty of Ze Forts

(The Original Version Cause I Couldn't Post The Crossy-Outies)

This, here, treaty is for the alliance of Fort Living Room and Fort Kitchen. We are making this cause the younger of the fort leaders KEEPS INVADING MY FORT!! This treaty is being made and signed at 5:54 a.m. on the 6th 7th of Octobar. I mean, October! Frikkin sugar high... Us fort leaders r - are gonna pass out sometime soon. Anyways, us, the fort leaders, shall sign this piece o' crap treaty. Where's the white-out when you need it?

Signers,

Sir Beavus (Dick)

Sie AwesomePants (Danny)

DANNY IS SIR BUTTHEAD!!!

If you're reading this, ignore Dick's handwriting! He's a liar!

YOU WRECK CAR AND THEN KILL DREAMS, YOU EVIL DEMON!!

MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

STOP SCRATCHING OUT MY WORDS!!

Signed (again), Sirs Beavus and AwesomePants

Fan-Art Links:

If anyone feels like drawing any fan-art for me, please, knock yourself out. Don't even ask permission! Just send me links when you're done! I can't draw to save my life so any new doodles from others makes my month. No joke. :D

Note: Gonna have to copy and paste and take out spaces. I apologize, but hates links.

roze6luv . deviantart . com/art/Kodiak-wolf-13-490384560 (Kodiak wolf 13 from Roselin)

roze6luv . deviantart . com/art/Kadzait-502314321 (Kadzait from Roselin)

deviantart . com/roze6luv/art/Kodi-Updated-783294106 (Kodi Updated from Roselin)

deviantart . com/roze6luv/art/Kadzait-Updated-783294295 (Kadzait Updated from Roselin)

deviantart . com/roze6luv/art/Kodi-And-Kadzait-783294425 (Kodi and Kadzait from Roselin)

deviantart . com/nibanini/art/Betrayal-612937854 (Betrayal by zecnasylynch)

kangipluma . deviantart . com/art/Blackjack-and-Batsy-488247227 (Blackjack and Batsy from ploThief)

kangipluma . deviantart . com/art/Complete-number-2-488247750 (BLackjack and Batsy from ploThief)

skymusebooksrules . deviantart . com/art/Image-497222096 (The Abused Cover Art from Skymuse)

skymusebooksrules . deviantart . com/art/Image-491333570 (The Abused Cover Art 2 from Skymuse)

skymusebooksrules . deviantart . com/art/Image-491652039 (Swimming from Skymuse)

homestucktrollsfan . tumblr . com/post/108301226130/those-two-were-supposed-to-be-birthday-presents (B-Day Presents from Supaherolena02)

bibsdrawsalot . tumblr . com/post/171848398441/fanart-sketch-of-an-awesome-fanfiction-i-read (Medium Chapter 8 from Bibbledoo)

bibsdrawsalot . tumblr . com/post/173402734361/hi-danny-doogie-called-raising-a-hand-to-wave (Medium Chapter 8 (#2) from Bibbledoo)

20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries With That.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It " In".

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds".

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy".

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water when ever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go".

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital. And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In the Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity post this on your profile!!!

REASONS TO JOIN THE DARK SIDE (If you wish to join, add this list to your profile.)

1. We have cookies (last I checked there was hot chocolate too)

2. You get a sweet, dark cape that covers your whole body!

3. You get a really cool, crazy laugh! Practice with me, people: MUHAHAHAHAHA

4. You get to walk out of shadows mysteriously and freak out the good guys!

5. We get to wear black. Everything looks better and more form-fitting when it's black.

6. One word: UNDERLINGS! Someone to get things for you when you're too lazy to do them yourself... Now that's the life!

7. Money, Money, Money : Ever notice that we are usually much richer than the good guys?

8. WORLD DOMINATION! The BEST reason!

Hello and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline. If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities press 3, 4, 5, 6. If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want so stay on the line and we'll trace your call. If you are delusional press 7 and your call will be sent to the Mother Ship. If you are schizophrenic listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer you. If you are dyslexic press 6, 9, 6, 9, 6, 9. If you have a nervous disorder fidget with the hatch key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep. If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later and if you have low self esteem, hang up; all our operators are too busy to talk to you.

60 things to do in an elevator:

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.

3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"

4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.

6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

7. Shave.

8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"

13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

14. One word: Flatulence!

15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

16. Do Tai Chi exercises.

17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"

18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"

19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.

20. Meow occasionally.

21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"

23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.

25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.

26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"

29. Leave a box between the doors.

30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.

32. Start a sing-along.

33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "Is that your beeper?"

34. Play the harmonica.

35. Shadow box.

36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.

37. Lean against the button panel.

38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

41. Bring a chair along.

42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"

43. Blow spit bubbles.

44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at the passengers.

49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."

50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"

51. Bring a water pistol. Soak everyone's shoes.

52. Start brushing off invisible bugs from your arms, screaming "Aaughh! Get them off!"

53. Challenge your neighbor to a "Tic-Tac-Toe" tournament.

54. Laugh hysterically for five seconds, stop, and glare at the other passengers like they are crazy.

55. Charge into the elevator dripping wet, holding a towel and wearing only a bath robe. Mutter something about how husbands/wives always come home early just when it's getting to the good part.

56. Make chalk drawings on the walls.

57. As the elevator is going up, jump violently up and down, shouting "Down! I said down, dammit!"

58. Crouch in one corner and growl menacingly at everyone who gets on.

59. Try to get a game of "Twister" going.

60. Wrinkle your nose and smell the air repeatedly. Sniff at your neighbor suspiciously, give a disgusted frown, and take a step away.

Fail Forward

Failure often breeds success. Football coaches Tom Landry, Chuck Noll, and Bill Walsh together won nine of the sixteen Super Bowls in the years 1974 to 1989. Their teams - the Dallas Cowboys, Pittsburg Steelers, and San Francisco 49ers -are regarded among the greatest ever and Landry, Noll, and Walsh are considered among the best coaches the game has produced. This is well known. What is also a matter of record, but less well known, is that these three coaches also share a distinction of having three of the worst first-season records of any head coaches in National Football League history.

-Wisdom of Wolves, Leadership Lessons from Nature by Twyman Towery

OBITUARY FOR THE LATE MR. COMMON SENSE

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and Maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6 year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get Parental consent to administer Calpol, sun lotion or a band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

(That says a lot about the world today.)

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.' For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal.
It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'
The next day someone stole it!

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed to stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

1. Children's Asprin: Warning: Keep Away From Children (I can see some sense in this.)

2. Peanuts: Warning: Product May Contain Nuts. (...*opens mouth*...*shakes head*...)

3. Curling Iron: Warning: Do not use while sleeping. (...who would attempt?)

4. Candle: Warning, A burning candle is fire. (YOU DON'T SAY?!)

5. Frozen Pizza: Warning: Do not eat before cooking. (I never would have thought of that...)

6. Blanket from Taiwan: Warning: Not To Be Used As Protection From A Tornado (Oh, that's pathetic...)

7. Frisbee: Warning: May Contain Small Parts (...what? ... WHAT?)

8. Butcher Knife: Warning: Keep Out of Children (No. Just... No.)

9. Railroad Sign: Warning: Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted. (*slams head against desk* Oh my gosh...)

10. Hair Coloring: Warning: Do not use as an ice cream topping (People need to start reading labels.)

11. Dial Soap: Warning: Use like regular soap. (That would be how?)

12. Sleeping Pills: Warning: May Cause Drowsiness (I wonder why I'm taking this!)

13. Puzzle: Warning: Some Assembly Required (Obviously!!!)

14. Japanese Food Processor: Warning: Not to be used for the other use (What other use?)

15. On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(Shoot, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

16. On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special)?

17. On a bag of ice --Keep frozen
(So you don't put ice in the microwave?)

18. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(Well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

19. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought??...)

20. On packaging for a Rowena iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(But wouldn't this save me more time)?

21. On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

22. On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(And...I'm taking this because??...)

23. On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(As opposed to...what)?

24. On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

25. On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: Maybe, ooh...fly Delta?)

26. On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

27. On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands."
(Oh my ..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity.

Darwin Award Winners:

Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here then, are the glorious winners.

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked... And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his Vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a 20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the 20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...15.

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5a.m., flashed a gun, demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast . The man, frustrated, walked away.

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

In the interest of bettering human-kind please share these with your friends and family ... unless of course, one of these 10 individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

Theme Songs For Fictional Characters (because why not?):

Batman: The Night by The Disturbed

Danny Phantom: Angel of Darkness by Alex C. ft. Yasmin K.

Dan Phantom: Just One Yesterday by Fall Out Boys

Superheroes in General: Any Other Way by We The Kings

Batman's and Red Hood's relationship: Elastic Heart by Sia (Once you take out the romance involved in the song...), Run to You by Pentatonix (also take out romance), Real Friends by Rudderless

Dark-Net/Borderline-Danny/Jason Todd: Vanic X Tove Styrke - Borderline by Vanic, My Give a Damn's Busted by Jo Dee Messina, Delusional by Simon Curtis

Jason Todd/Red Hood: Angel With A Shotgun by The Cab

Jason Todd/Robin: My Demons by Starset

Maze Runner series: When We Stand Together by Nickelback

Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children series: Africa by Toto

Guy: Where have you been all my life?
Girl: Hiding from you.

Guy: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Girl: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Guy: Is this seat empty?
Girl: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Guy: Your place or mine?
Girl: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Guy: So, what do you do for a living?
Girl: I'm a female impersonator.

Guy: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Girl: Do not enter.

Guy: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Girl: But would you stay there?

Guy: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together
Girl: Really? 'Cause I'd put i at the beginning and u at the end.

Guy:Your eyes they're amazing.
Girl: Seeing your back would be pretty amazing.

Guy: I'd like to call you. What's your number?
Girl: It's in the phone book

Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Guy: I know how to please a woman
Girl: Then please leave me alone

Guy: I can tell you want me
Girl: Ohhhh, you're so right, I want you to leave

Guy: If you were a hamburger at McDonalds you would be McGorgeous
Girl: Would that be under your McLame Burger

Guy: Did it hurt when you fell out of heaven
Girl: Not nearly as bad as when you fell on planet rejection

Guy: Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again
Girl: No, but sure...next time just be sure to keep walking

Guy: I want to give myself to you
Girl: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts

Guy: It's a good thing I have a library card because I'm checking you out
Girl: Sorry, I'm on reserve for someone else

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

40 Ways to Annoy People

1. Pay tolls with 100 bills

2. Leave your supermarket cart on the street or in the middle of the parking lot

3. Eat produce at the market; don't buy it

4. When giving directions, leave out a turn or two

5. Leave the outdoor Christmas decorations up until March or April

6. Before exiting the elevator, push all the buttons

7. Knock and ask "How is it going?" to someone constipated in a public bathroom stall.

8. Develop at least three strategies for cutting into the front of lines

9. Announce when you're going to the bathroom

10. Chew other people's pencils

11. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

12. Wear large hats during the movies

13. Touch strangers

14. Tell little children the truth about Santa Claus

15. Bite your dentist's finger

16. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

17. Sigh alot when talking to someone.

18. Leave lipstick prints on people's cheeks and foreheads

19. Don't stand during hymns and anthems

20. Dance fast to slow music and vice-versa

21. Tell people they have bad breath

22. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

23. Flirt with a friend's spouse

24. Sit in the home bleachers and cheer for the other team

25. Shake with your left hand

26. Use the quote bunnies after every other word you say when talking to someone.

27. Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

28. Drum on every available surface.

29. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

30. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

31. Honk and wave to strangers.

32. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.

33. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

34. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.

35. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

36. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

37. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

38. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

39. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

40. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

True Story

A teenage girl about 17 named Diane had gone to visit some friends one evening and time passed quickly as each shared their various experiences of the past year. She ended up staying longer then planned, and had to walk home alone. She hasn't afraid because it was a small town and she lived only a few blocks away.

As she walked under the tall elm trees, Diane asked God to keep her safe from harm and danger. When she reached the alley, which was a short cut to her house, she decided to take it. However, halfway down the alley she noticed a man standing at the end as though he was waiting for her. She became uneasy and began to pray, asking for God's protection. Instantly a comforting feeling of quietness and security wrapped around her, she felt though someone was walking with her. When she reached the end of the alley, she walked right past the man and arrived home safely.

The following day, she read in the newspaper that a young girl had been raped in the same alley way just twenty minutes after she had been there. Feeling overwhelmed by this tragedy and the fact that it could have been her, she began to weep. Thanking the Lord for her safety and to help this young woman, she decided to go to the police station. She felt she could recogize the man, so she told them her story. The police asked her if she would be willing to look at a lineup to see if she can identify him. She agreed and immediately pointed out the man she had seen in the alley the night before.

When the man have been identified, he immediately broke down and confessed. The officer thanked Diane for her bravery and asked if there was anything they can do for her. She asked if they can ask the man one question. Diane was curious as to why he had not attacked her. When the policeman asked him, he answered, "Because she wasn't alone. She had two tall men walking either side of her." Amazingly, whether you believe or not, you're never alone. Did you know that 98 of teenagers will not stand up for God, and 93 of the people that read this won't repost it?

Repost this if you truly believe in God.

20 Things to do at Wal-Mart

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,
" 'Code 3' in housewares"... and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask,
"Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. Look right into the security camera; & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti - depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream... "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!"

15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!

16. Get several bouncy balls and throw them down an aisle shouting "Go, pikachu, go!"

17. Challenge people to duels in the back aisles with wrapping paper tubes.

18. Have a conversation with yourself loud enough so that people in the other aisles can hear you.

19. Throw things over one aisle into another one.

20. Mark out price tags with a sharpie.

They walk amongst us!

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted...'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'

They walk among us!!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff'

They Walk Among Us!!

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.

They Walk Among Us!!!!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped She keeps it in the trunk.

They Walk Among Us!!!!!

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?' I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...

They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...

They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

Yep, They Walk Among Us, Too!!!!!!!!

(And they vote...)

The Wisdom of Churchill

It is said that Prime Minister Winston Churchill had become very concerned about General Bernard Montgomery's lack of rapport with his troops. "Monty" did not like to associate with the men who did his fighting, preferring the company of the privileged and elite. Churchill called the general in for a chat and urged him to improve his communication with his men.

Montgomery, typically adverse to advice from others, reportedly huffed "Mr. Prime Minister, familiarity breeds contempt."

Churchill, with a pull of his cigar and a splash of brandy, is said to have replied "My dear General, without familiarity there would be no breed."

On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten."
So God agreed.

On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks and make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"
And God agreed.

On the third day God created the cow. "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves, and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty."
And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years? Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"

Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

FAKE FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr./Mrs.
REAL FRIENDS: Call your parents DAD/MOM.

FAKE FRIENDS: Bail you out of jail and tell you what you did was wrong.
REAL FRIENDS: Will sit next to you saying “Dang … we messed up … but that sure was fun!”

FAKE FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
REAL FRIENDS: Won't tell anyone else you cry... just laugh about it when you're not down anymore.

FAKE FRIENDS: Try to comfort you when you feel down.
REAL FRIENDS: Grab you by the shoulders, shake you, and say "Dude, snap out of it!"

FAKE FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.
REAL FRIENDS: Keep your stuff so long they forget its yours.

FAKE FRIENDS: Always keep your stuff they borrowed in perfect condition.
REAL FRIENDS: Lose your stuff and tell you, "My bad ... here's a tissue."

FAKE FRIENDS: Never ask for anything to eat or drink because they think it's polite.
REAL FRIENDS: Raise an eyebrow and say "Dude, I'll eat what I want" and are the reason you never have food.

FAKE FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
REAL FRIENDS: Can write a very embarrassing book about you, with direct quotes from you.

FAKE FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.
REAL FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds butt that left you.

FAKE FRIENDS: Will knock on your front door.
REAL FRIENDS: Walk right in and say “I’M HOME!”

FAKE FRIENDS: Ask you what you number is.
REAL FRIENDS: Remind you what you number is when you forget.

FAKE FRIENDS: Are for awhile.
REAL FRIENDS: Are for life.

FAKE FRIENDS: Have to be reminded not to tell.
REAL FRIENDS: Would willingly go skinny-dipping in a tank of acid before they even consider telling.

FAKE FRIENDS: Don't let friends drive drunk.
REAL FRIENDS: Don't let friends drive drunk alone.

FAKE FRIENDS: Will apologize when you forget lunch money and say that they don't have any left.
REAL FRIENDS: Will say "Sucks for you" and finally cave after a few hours and then say "You owe me for this."

FAKE FRIENDS: Will smile and say "Don't worry about me" when they forget their lunch money, even if you didn't offer to pay.
REAL FRIENDS: Will say "Dude, I'm starving, now buy me some food."

FAKE FRIENDS: Will automatically tell you you're beautiful when you ask if something makes you look fat.
REAL FRIENDS: Will say "Well no dib, Sherlock."

FAKE FRIENDS: Would tell you not to get a face-lift because you already look perfect.
REAL FRIENDS: Would say "Face-lift? I don't think a fork-lift would help."

FAKE FRIENDS: Tell you your zits aren't noticeable.
REAL FRIENDS: Say "Dang, girl! That thing is HUGE!!"

FAKE FRIENDS: Laugh with you.
REAL FRIENDS: Laugh at you.

FAKE FRIENDS: Laugh at all your jokes.
REAL FRIENDS: Tell you your jokes suck.

FAKE FRIENDS: Congratulate you when you get good grades.
REAL FRIENDS: Say "Jeez, you nerd. If you were in stupid classes like me, we'd see each other more."

FAKE FRIENDS: Encourage you not to skip school.
REAL FRIENDS: Photoshop one of their old doctor's notes and use it to spring you from school.

FAKE FRIENDS: Will talk mean to the person who talks bad about you.
REAL FRIENDS: Will knock them out!

FAKE FRIENDS: Say they are too busy to listen to your problems, but when it comes to them they expect you to have all the time in the world.
REAL FRIENDS: Not only kick everything out of their schedule to listen to what's wrong, but help come up with vindictive plans to make you feel a whole lot better!

FAKE FRIENDS: Say sorry when you want to talk to them at odd hours of the night, or even just hang out at odd hours.
REAL FRIENDS: Come right over and hang out with you, until you either fall asleep, or kick them out.

FAKE FRIENDS: Will glare at the guy who dumps you and say "Forget him. You're too good for him."
REAL FRIENDS: Kick the guy's butt and threaten to castrate him with a spork if he comes within five miles of you.

FAKE FRIENDS: Crush on your older brother whom you absolutely despise.

REAL FRIENDS: Hate you older brother as much as you do and give him the nick-name "Faggot".

Month one

Mommy

I am only 8 inches long

but I have all my organs.

I love the sound of your voice.

Every time I hear it

I wave my arms and legs.

The sound of your heart beat

is my favorite lullaby.

Month Two

Mommy

today I learned how to suck my thumb.

If you could see me

you could definitely tell that I am a baby.

I'm not big enough to survive outside my home though.

It is so nice and warm in here.

Month Three

You know what Mommy

I'm a boy!!

I hope that makes you happy.

I always want you to be happy.

I don't like it when you cry.

You sound so sad.

It makes me sad too

and I cry with you even though

you can't hear me.

Month Four

Mommy

my hair is starting to grow.

It is very short and fine

but I will have a lot of it.

I spend a lot of my time exercising.

I can turn my head and curl my fingers and toes

and stretch my arms and legs.

I am becoming quite good at it too.

Month Five

You went to the doctor today.

Mommy, he lied to you.

He said that I'm not a baby.

I am a baby Mommy, your baby.

I think and feel.

Mommy, what's abortion?

Month Six

I can hear that doctor again.

I don't like him.

He seems cold and heartless.

Something is intruding my home.

The doctor called it a needle.

Mommy what is it? It burns!

Please make him stop!

I can't get away from it!

Mommy! HELP me!

Month Seven

Mommy

I am okay.

I am in Jesus's arms.

He is holding me.

He told me about abortion.

Why didn't you want me Mommy?

Every Abortion Is Just . . .

One more heart that was stopped.

Two more eyes that will never see.

Two more hands that will never touch.

Two more legs that will never run.

One more mouth that will never speak.

If you're against abortion, re-post this

25 Reasons to Thank my Mother:

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why.

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"I swear, you're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

The Flame of Curiosity

Harry Chapin sang a song that described a young boy who was unabashedly curious about how things might be. He experimented in class by painting flowers many different colors and told his teacher how he was able to see all the different colors in the rainbow in them. But his teacher repeatedly chastised him and drummed into him that "flowers are red, young man; leaves are green. There is no need to see flowers any other way than the way they always have been seen." Finally beaten down, he no longer saw nature's infinite possibilities and began following his teacher's instructions to the letter.

Later, his family moved to another city, and the boy's new teacher encouraged him to utilize his natural curiosity and realize possibilities rather than absolutes. It was too late: "Flowers are red and leaves are green," he told the teacher. Period. He had learned the misguided message all too well. The flame of his curiosity had been extinguished.

-Wisdom of Wolves, Leadership Lessons from Nature by Twyman Towery

YOUR GUY SIDE:

[X] You love hoodies.

[x] You love jeans.

[x] Dogs are better than cats.

[x] It's hilarious when people get hurt.

[x] You've played with/against boys on a team.

[x] Shopping is torture.

[x] Sad movies suck.

[x] You own/ed an X-Box.

[x] Played with Hotwheel cars as a kid.

[x] At some point in time you wanted to be a firefighter.

[x] You own/ed a DS, PS2 or Sega.

[x] You used to be obsessed with Power Rangers.

[x] You watch sports on TV.

[x] Gory movies are cool.

[x] You go to your dad for advice.

[x] You own like a trillion baseball caps.

[x] You like going to high school football games.

[x] You used to/do collect football/baseball cards.

[x] Baggy pants are cool to wear.

[x] It's kinda weird to have sleepovers with a bunch of people.

[x] Green, black, red, blue, or silver are one of your favorite colors.

[x] You love to go crazy and not care what people think.

[x] Sports are fun.

[x] Talk with food in your mouth.

[x] Sleep with your socks on at night.

TOTAL: 18/25

YOUR GIRL SIDE:

[x] You wear lip gloss/stick.

[x] You love to shop. (Really, only for specific things though. *cough*books*cough*)

[x] You wear eyeliner.

[x] You wear the color pink

[x] Go to your mom for advice.

[x] You consider cheerleading a sport.

[x] You hate wearing the color black.

[x] You like hanging out at the mall.

[x] You like getting manicures and/or pedicures.

[x] You like wearing jewelry.

[x] Skirts are a big part of your wardrobe.

[x] Shopping is one of your favorite hobbies

[x] You don't like the movie Star Wars.

[x] You were in gymnastics/dance.

[x] It takes you around/more one hour to shower, get dressed, and make-up.

[x] You smile a lot more than you should.

[x] You care about what you look like.

[x] You like wearing dresses when you can.

[x] You like wearing body spray/perfume/cologne.

[x] You love the movies.

[x] Used to play with dolls as little kid.

[x] Like putting make-up on someone else for the joy/joke of it.

[x] Like being the star of every thing

Total: 8/24

Well ok then. XD

When you were 5, your mom gave you an ice cream cone. You thanked her by yelling at her that it's the wrong kind.

When you were 9, your mom drove you from swimming class to soccer and one birthday party to another. You thanked her by slamming the door and never looking back.

When you were 10, your mom payed for piano classes. You thanked her by never coming to class.

When you were 12, your mom was waiting for a very important call. You thanked her by talking on the phone all night.

When you were 14, your mom payed for a month away at summer camp. You thanked her by not bothering to write a single letter.

When you were 16, your mom taught you how to drive her car. You thanked her by taking it every chance you got.

When you were 17, your mom drove you to the mall and gave you her credit card. You thanked her by maxing it out.

When you were 18, your mom cried at your high school graduation. You thanked her by partying until dawn.

When you were 20, your mom drove you to college. You thanked her by saying good-bye to her outside the dorm so you wouldn't have to say bye in front of your friends.

When you were 26, your mom payed for your wedding. You thanked her by moving halfway across the world.

When you were 30, your mom fell ill and needed you to take care of her. You thanked her by reading about the burden parents became to children.

Then, one day, she quietly died and everything you did came crashing down on you.

If YOU love your mom, re-post this and if you don't, you won't care if your mom dies, will you?

(Irony. So much irony.)

Favorite Quotes:

"There is no limit to what you can accomplish if you don't care who get's the credit." - Anonymous

"This world would be a fine world if all men showed as much patience all the time as they do while they're waiting for fish to bite." - Vaughn Monroe

"Every wolf has his own voice. Every wolf respects the voice of every other wolf." Wisdom of Wolves, Leadership Lessons from Nature by Twyman Towery

"Over the years I've learned a lot about coaching staffs and one piece of advice I would pass along to a young head coach - or a corporate executive, or even a bank president - is this: Don't make them in your image. Don't even try. My assistants don't look alike, think alike, or have the same personalities. And I sure don't want them thinking like I do. You don't strive for sameness, you strive for balance." - Bear Bryant

"Patience is the ability to let your light shine after your fuse has blown." - Bob Levey, The Washington Post

"When spider webs unite, they can tie up a lion." - Ethiopian Proverb

"How much finer things are in composition than alone." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

"What I know doesn't impress me... What I don't know excites me." - Jean-Jacques Rousseau

"The man who cannot wonder is but a pair of spectacles behind which there is no eye." - Thomas Carlyle

"Things turn out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out." - John Wooden

"People with a negative attitude brighten the whole room when they leave." - Anonymous

"Curiosity is the wick in the candle of learning." - William Arthur Ward

"Did you know that most stars in the sky have died out thousands of years ago? The light takes so long to get here; it's already burned out. We are looking at ghosts in the night sky. They no longer exist." Dawnstar, JLA Adventures: Trapped in Time

"When someone asked Abraham Lincoln after he was elected president what he was going to do about his enemies, he replied 'I am going to destroy them. I am going to make them my friends.'" - Anonymous

"Get the right perspective. When Goliath came against the Israelites, the soldiers all thought 'He is so big! We can never kill him.' David looked at the same giant and thought 'He is so big! How can I miss?'" - Russ Johnson

"Not failure, but low aim, is a crime." - James Russell Lowell

"People are like stained-glass windows: they sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if their is light within." - Elizabeth Rubier-Ross

"A word of encouragement during a failure is worth more than a whole book of praise after a success." - Anonymous

"The Great Spirit gave us two ears and one tongue so we can listen twice as much as we speak." - Native American Proverb

"When the eyes say one thing and the tongue another, a practiced man relies on the language of the first." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

"The greatest problem in communication is an illusion that it has been accomplished." - George Bernard Shaw

"What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?" Dr. Robert Schuller

"Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another." - Walter Elliot

"You miss 100% of the shots you never take." -Wayne Gretzky

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall." - Confucius

"It should be noted that children's games are not merely games; one should regard them as their most serious activities." - Michel De Montaigne

"Don't get so busy making a living that you don't know what you're living for." - Unknown

"He has every characteristic of a dog except loyalty." - Henry Fonda, The Best Man

"Not everything that is faced can be changed. But nothing can be changed until it is faced." - James Baldwin

"Only a mountain has lived long enough to listen objectively to the howl of a wolf." - Aldo Leopold

"Be peaceful, be courteous, obey the law, respect everyone; but if someone puts his hand on you, send him to the cemetery." - Malcolm X

"From time to time, there arise among human beings people who seem to exude love as naturally as the sun gives out heat." - The Spectrum of Love by Alan Watts

"Fanfiction is what literature might look like if it were reinvented from scratch after a nuclear apocalypse by a band of brilliant pop-culture junkies trapped in a sealed bunker. They don't do it for money. That's not what it's about. The writers write it and put it up online just for the satisfaction. They're fans, but they're not silent, couch bound consumers of media. The culture talks to them, and they talk back to the culture in its own language." - Lev Grossman

Song Quotes:

"Fall on my knees, fall on my pride. I'm tripping over all the times I've lied. I'm asking please but I can see in Your eyes: You don't need tears for alibis. It's true what they say: love must be blind. That's why You're still standing on the sinners' side. You're still by my side when all the things I've done have left You bleeding/Come undone, surrender is stronger. I don't need to be the hero tonight. We all want love; we all want honor. Nobody wants to pay for the asking price." Come Undone by FFH

"I wish words were like little toy guns. No sting, no hurting no one. Just a bang, bang rolling off your tongue. (I wish words were like little toy guns.) Yeah, no smoke, no bullets. No kick from the trigger when you pull it. No pain, no damage done. (I wish words were like little toy guns.) Just a bang, bang rolling off your tongue. (I wish words were like little toy guns.)" - Little Toy Guns by Carrie Underwood

"But if you close your eyes does it almost feel like nothing changed at all? And if you close your eyes does it almost feel like you've been here before? How am I going to be an optimist about this? How am I going to be an optimist about this?" - Pompeii by Bastille

"If you only knew how many times I counted all the words that went wrong. If you only knew how I refuse to let you go, even when you're gone. I don't regret any days I spent, nights we shared, or letters that I sent." If You Only Knew by Shinedown

"My fall will be for you. My love will be in you. If you be the one to cut me, I'll bleed forever." - Ghost Love Score by Nightwish

"They tell us everything's alright and we just go along. How can we fall asleep at night when something's clearly wrong? When we could feed a starving world with what we throw away but all we serve are empty words that always taste the same/The right thing to guide us is right here inside us. No one can divide us when the light is nearly gone. But just like a heartbeat, the drumbeat carries on. And the drumbeat carries on, just like a heartbeat." When We Stand Together by Nickelback

"If I break the glass, then I'll have to fly. There's no one to catch me if I take a dive. I'm scared of changing; the days stay the same. The world is spinning but only in rain." Shatter Me by Lindsey Stirling

"Old loves, they die hard. Old lies, they die harder." Wish I Had An Angel by Nightwish

"Don't turn away. (Don't give into the pain.) Don't try to hide. (Though they're screaming your name.) Don't close your eyes. (God knows what lies behind them.) Don't turn out the lights. (Never sleep, never die.)/I know I can stop the pain if I will it all away. If I will it all away." Whisper by Evanescence

"Every single day, I chase my own tail. Like the bad inside of me has gotta get, gotta get, get away. I'm running out of time for me to break this. I'm tired of feeling like I'm never gonna make it. No one can make this better. Take control; it's now or never/Are you sick of it? Raise your hands. Get rid of it while there's a fighting chance. Are you over it? Bored to death? Have you had enough regret? Take a stand, raise your hands." Sick of It by Skillet

"Now I know you're gonna try to say I stole this verse from Tim but there's a fire-starter out there and I'm sure he stole from him first/I'm feeling all the heat; they're gonna hear my call. Now I can't wait to see you lose it all. You've placed your bets and he is gonna make you fall. I can't believe you're so delusional." Delusional by Simon Curtis

"Even if I say it'll be alright, still I here you say you want to end your life. Now and again we try to just stay alive. Maybe we'll turn it all around cause it's not too late; it's never too late." Never Too Late by Three Days Grace

"Allison? Yes, Catherine? I have something I want to tell you but but you have to promise never to tell anyone. I promise. Do you swear on your life? I swear on my life/Got a secret. Can you keep it? Swear this one you'll save. Better lock it in your pocket. Taking this one to the grave. If I show you then I know you won't tell what I said. Cause two can keep a secret if one of them is dead/Yes, two can keep a secret if one of them is dead. Yes, two can keep a secret if one of us is dead." Secret by The Pierces

"Mayday, mayday. The ship is slowly sinking. They think I'm crazy but they don't know the feeling. They're all around me, circling like vultures. They wanna break me and wash away my colors. Wash away my colors/Take me high and I'll sing. Oh, you make everything okay, okay, okay. Kay, okay, okay. We are one in the same. Oh, you take all of the pain away, away, away. Way, away, away. Save me if I become my demons." My Demons by Starset

"I'm borderline happy and I'm borderline sad. I'm borderline good and I'm borderline bad. And I can't get rid of this tingling fear, you'd sort me out if my head gets clear. I live in shackles but I'm borderline free. I used to be blind and I still can't see. And I won't get around to a change of mind, as long as nobody breaks my stride." Borderline by Vanic x Tove Stryke

"I'm coming home to breathe again, to start again. I'm coming home from all the places I have been. With nothing but a voice within that calls me home..." Calls Me Home by Shannon Labrie

"Fly me up on a silver wing. Past the black where the sirens sing. Warm me up in a nova's glow. And drop me down to the dream below/Bring me home in a blinding dream, through the secrets that I have seen. Wash the sorrow from off my skin. Show me how to be whole again/Cause I'm only a crack in this castle of glass, hardly anything there for you to see, for you to see." Castle of Glass by Linkin Park

"My heart's beating faster. I know what I'm after. I've been standing here my whole life. Everything I've seen twice. Now it's time I realize. It's spinning back around now. On this road, I'm crawling. Save me cause I'm falling. Now I can't seem to breathe right. Cause I keep running, running, running, running. Running, running, running, running. Running from my heart." Runnin by Adam Lambert

"Try to find out what makes you tick as I lie down, sore and sick. Do ya like that? Do ya like that?" Diary of Jane by Breaking Benjamin

"Won't you come out? We could paint the town red. Kill a little time; you can sleep when you're dead. Cause it isn't over yet. Get it out of your head/Chase a couple hearts; we could leave em in shreds. Meet me in the gutter; make the devil your friend. Just remember what I said; cause it isn't over yet. Just remember what I said; cause it isn't over yet/Say you have a little faith in me. Just close your eyes and let me lead. Follow me home/Need to have a little trust in me. Just close your eyes and let me lead. Follow me home to where the lonely ones roam/Come down to where all the others fell. Get lost in the dark to find yourself/Just remember what I said; No, it isn't over yet." Where the Lonely Ones Roam by Digital Daggers

"When everything you love is leaving, you hold on to what you believe in/The last thing I heard was you whispering goodbye. And then I heard you flatline." Not Gonna Die by Skillet

"You can't offer your poison to me in your kingdom of filth. White rabbit. Straight jacket/I won't be pushed aside. I will be heard. I will get what I want, what I deserve/Your magic, white rabbit has left its writing on the wall. We follow like Alice and just keep diving down the hole. We're falling and we're losing control. You're pulling us and dragging us down this dead end road. We follow like Alice and just keep diving down the hole." White Rabbit by Egypt Central

"Hold me now. I need to feel you. Show me how to make it new again. There's no one I can run to and nothing I could ever do. I'm nowhere if I'm here...without you." Without You by Ashes Remain

"Maybe you'll change; abandon all your wicked ways... Make amends and start anew again... Maybe you'll see all the wrongs you did to me. And start all over, start all over again... AHAHAHA!! Who am I kidding? Now, let's not get overzealous here. You've always been a huge piece of shit! If I could kill you, I would but it's frowned upon in all fifty states. Having said that... Burn in hell!" Wolf in Sheep's Clothing by Set It Off

"I just saw Haley's comet shooting. She waved, said, "Why are you always running in place?" Even the man in the moon disappeared somewhere in the stratosphere." Second Chance by Shinedown

"Weep not, poor children, for life is this way, murdering beauty and passions. Hush now, dear children, it must be this way to weary of life and deceptions. Rest now, my children, for soon we'll away into the calm and the quiet." Come Little Children by Book of Shadows

"We all live and we all die but that does not begin to justify you/Not what it seems... Not what you think... I must be dreaming. Just in my mind... Not in real life... I must be dreaming." Bleed (I Must Be Dreaming) by Evanescence

"Musing through memories, losing my grip in the grey. Numbing the senses, I feel you slipping away. Fighting to hold on, clinging to just one more day. Love turns to ashes, with all that I wish to say/I'd die to be where you are. I tried to be where you are/Every night, I dream you're still here. The ghost by my side, so perfectly clear. When I awake, you'll disappear. Back to the shadows with all I hold dear. With all I hold dear. I dream you're still here. I dream you're still here/Hidden companion. Phantom be still in my heart. Make me a promise that time won't erase that we were not lost from the start/I dream you're still here, ever slightly out of reach. I dream you're still here, but it breaks so easily. I try to protect you; I can't let you fade. I feel you slipping. I feel you slipping away." Still Here by Digital Daggers

"Close the curtains on em if they're acting like they never heard us. See, we do this for a purpose, just to keep that fire burning. And we don't need no water, let that motherf*cker burn. Timmy play your trumpet, let the people go berserk." Freaks by Timmy Trumpet and Savage

"Hold on, little girl. The end is soon to come/Sick of it all. Sick of it all. We will not follow. Sick of it all. Sick of it all. They don't understand how sick we are. Sick we are of this bottomless pit of lies behind closed eyes. Someday, you'll know the pain. Someday, the light will break through. And nothing you tell yourself will save us from the truth." Sick by Evanescence

"Don't you worry; it gets better. I know it's blurry but in due time, salty waters turn to laughter. Confidence starts in your mind. Break all the borders. Cross troubled waters. Live in the moment. Love like you own it." Live Your Life by Headhunterz and Crystal Lake

"If everyone cared and nobody cried, if everyone loved and nobody lied, if everyone shared and swallowed their pride, then we'd see the day when nobody died. And I'm singing Amen, I, Amen, I, Amen, I, I'm alive. Amen, I, Amen, I, Amen, I, I'm alive." If Everyone Cared by Nickelback

"Toll no bell for me, Father, but let this cup of suffering pass from me. Send me no shepherd to heal my world. But the Angel - the dream foretold. Prayed more than thrice for You to see the wolf of loneliness in me. Not my own will but Yours be done/You wake up; where's the tomb? Will Easter come, enter my room? The Lord weeps with me but my tears fall for you/Without you, the poetry within me is dead." Gethsemane by Nightwish

"This horse is too slow. We're always this close. Almost, almost, we're a freakshow. Right, right when I'm near, it's like you disappear. Where'd you go? Mr. Houdini, you're a freakshow/Why did you steal my cotton candy heart? You threw it in this damn coin slot. And now I'm stuck, I'm stuck, riding, riding, riding/Round and round on a like a horse on a carousel, we go. Will I catch up to love? I could never tell. I know chasing after you is like a fairytale but I feel like I'm glued on tight to this carousel." Carousel by Melanie Martinez

"Oh, we never learn. So we fall down again. Heaven help me find a way to dream in this nightmare/Cross the oceans in my mind. Find the strength to say goodbye. In the end, you never can wash the blood from your hands." Oceans by Evanescence

"And if you wanna get out of here, wanna get out of here, save yourself. But you'll never get anywhere, never get anywhere, not without my help. (Say it with me.) I'm alive. I'm alive. Well, you're dead inside. I'm a slap in the face to your lullaby. Got you all tongue-tied 'cause you're living a lie, my friend. Say it with me. I'm alive. I'm alive. Well, you're dead inside. I'm your wake-up call, and you know I'm right. So make a move, let it bleed. Tear your heart off your sleeve. But I'm the only one who's gonna save your life." I'm Alive by Shinedown

"I'm peeling the skin off my face 'cause I really hate feeling safe/Tell you a secret, I'm not alarmed. So what if I'm crazy? The best people are." Mad Hatter by Melanie Martinez

"If it's an eye for an eye, then we all go blind. Is it hard to see? Is it hard to see? Yeah, yeah. So far behind, no finish line. It can happen to you. It can happen to me. Yeah. I don't belong here. Not in this atmosphere. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye." Human Race by Three Days Grace

"Here's to being human, taking it for granted. The highs and lows of living, to getting second chances. I wish I knew what it was like to care about what's right or wrong. I wish someone could help me find, find a place where I belong but I am machine. I never sleep. I keep my eyes wide open. I am machine. A part of me wishes I could just feel something. I am machine. I never sleep until I fix what's broken. I am machine. A part of me wishes I could just feel something." I Am Machine by Three Days Grace

"Did you ever hear what I told you? Did you ever read what I wrote you? Did you ever listen to what we played? Did you ever let in what the world said? Did we get this far just to feel your hate? Did we play only to become pawns in the game? How blind can you be, don't you see? You chose the long road but we'll be waiting. Bye-bye beautiful." Bye Bye Beautiful by Nightwish

"I think I should know how to make love into something innocent without leaving my fingerprints out. Now, L-o-v-e's just another word I never learned to pronounce. How do I say I'm sorry cause the word is never gonna come out, now? L-o-v-e's just another word I never learned to pronounce." Starstrukk by 3OH!3

"I fell in love with a ghost, oh, under the moonlight. You took my hand and held me close. For once, I was alright/I tossed and turned in the end with no one to talk to. I searched again and again but I never found you. I cried and the tears fell from my eyes like a waterfall. And, I swear, I could feel you in my arms but there was no one there at all. You were my clarity, I swear. Alone in a daydream. Yeah, there was magic in the air and you were right here beside me. Held down like an angel with no wings. I wanna fly again. I just can't get you off my mind and now I'm going to be up all night. It's tearing me up inside. I just can't get you off my mind/A whisper on the air made my heart-rate fall when I heard you call. And I swear, I could hear your voice in my ear but there was no one there at all." Up All Night by Owl City

"Don't say I'm out of touch with this rampant chaos - your reality. I know well what lies beyond my sleeping refuge: the nightmare. I built my own world to escape/Swallowed up in the sound of my screaming, cannot cease for the fear of silent nights. Oh, how I long for the deep sleep dreaming. The goddess of imaginary light/In my field of paper flowers and candy clouds of lullaby (flowers), I lie inside myself hours and watch my purple sky fly over me (flowers)." Imaginary by Evanescence

"Call me a sinner; call me a saint. Tell me it's over; I'll still love you the same. Call me your favorite; call me the worst. Tell me it's over; I don't want you to hurt. It's all that I can say. So I'll be on my way." Call Me by Shinedown

"One, two, three, one, two, three, drink. One, two, three, one, two, three, drink. One, two, three, one, two three, drink. Throw em back till I lose count." Chandelier by Sia

"Back in the casing, shaking and pacing. This is the tunnel's light. Blood in the writing, stuck in the fighting. Look through the rifle's sight/How come I've never seen your face around here? I know every single face round here. Here in the heckle, holding the shackle. I was never welcome here/We don't have a choice to stay. We'd rather die than do it your way/With our backs to the wall, the darkness will fall. We never quite thought we could lose it all. Ready, aim, fire, ready, aim, fire. An empire's fall in just one day. You close your eyes and the glory fades. Ready, aim, fire, ready, aim, fire away (fire!). Ready, aim, fire, ready, aim, fire away." Ready Aim Fire by Imagine Dragons

"Listen to each drop of rain (listen listen). Aaah. Whispering secrets in vain (listen listen). Aaah. Frantically searching for someone to hear their story before they hit ground. Please don't let go. Can't we stay for a while? It's just too hard to say goodbye. Listen to the rain." Listen to the Rain by Evanescence

"This one's for the lonely, the one's that seek and find. Only to be let down, time after time/Come on, friends, get up now. You're not alone at all/This one's for the faithless, the one's that are surprised. They're only where they are now, regardless of their flight. This one's for believing, if only for its sake. Come on, friends, get up now. Love is to be made." Comes and Goes (in Waves) by Greg Laswell

Quotes from Movies/TV Shows:

Ultimate Spiderman, Episode Ultimate Deadpool (since it’s the only episode I actually watched):

Deadpool: So once there was a kid; a weird, special kid. And his life was a toilet! And maybe someone treated him badly; maybe he got hurt by bad people. So maybe Fury's hero school was the boost he needed. For awhile, the kid bought what Fury was selling. Until he realized it was more fun to laugh at the pain, to hurt those that hurt you times a thousand!

Deadpool: Wait, let me guess. You're Aaron Applebaum. Aaron Astin. Aaron Atwater!

Spider-Man: Are you just going to keep yelling names from A to Z until you guess?

Deadpool: No. Barry Barrington!

Spider-Man: You're not well.

Deadpool: I know.

Spider-Man: I'm starting to re-think this little field trip. Just tell me what your plan is.

Deadpool: We go into that compound, find Agent MacGuffin, snag the list, then un-alive Taskmaster and his acolytes, capiche?

Spider-Man: Wait, un-alive them?

Deadpool: Yeah, yeah here's the thing, I can't really say the k-word out loud. It's a weird mental tick. But we're gonna destroy them, make them disappear, sleep them with the fishes. We'll k-word them.

Spider-Man: K-word? You mean you want to kill them?

Deadpool Whoa, yeah, that does sound bad when you say it out loud. And yes, we're going to un-alive them.

Spider-Man: We can't un-alive them. We can't un-alive anyone. Deadpool!

Spider-Man: Wait, how am I in your back-story?

Deadpool: Don’t question greatness.

InuYasha:

Shippo: One stupid guy calling the other one stupid…

Ginta: Yeah, they’re both stupid.

Hakkaku: Dumb as a sack of hammers.

Shippo: Mm-hmm.

InuYasha and Koga: What did you say?!

InuYasha: Are you crazy?! You could’ve gotten yourself killed!

Kagome: I wouldn't have done it if I wasn't sure. I mean, he couldn't be that bad. Let's give him a chance, hear him out.

[Miroku wakes up and rubs Kagome's rear]

Kagome: [runs into InuYasha's arms] I was wrong! Kill him!

Shippo: [about 500 feet behind InuYasha] I can see why being called a mutt by Koga would upset him... but now that I see him sitting there sniffing the ground he does look like a dog.

InuYasha: What did you say, Shippo?!

Shippo: Talk about bloodhound. How did he hear me all the way back here?

InuYasha: Remember, Shippo, dogs are carnivores, you little runt!!

Miroku: I am a solitary man, enjoying my own company.

Kagome: But if you don't do anything fast, you won't even have your own company to enjoy.

Miroku: Dear Kagome. [Takes Kagome and holds her] Do you concern yourself with my predicament?

Kagome: [confused] I guess so.

Miroku: Then I ask you for a favor. I would like you to bear me a son. If for some reason, I don't survive, I want him to carry on the family legacy.

InuYasha: [Stands between Miroku and Kagome and separates them] Hey, get your hands off her!

Miroku: I see, InuYasha, that you are in love with Kagome. This is awkward.

InuYasha: I'm not in love with her! She's just a... a jewel detector. That's right.

Kagome: Is that all I am to you, a jewel detector? Oh yeah, I forgot, you have a thing for dead girls! Well maybe I should help Miroku instead; he's much nicer than you, InuYasha. And you could learn a few things from him.

InuYasha: You wouldn't dare betray me.

Miroku: Well, you could learn to be more gentle.

Kagome: Exactly, to be more gentle.

Miroku: Gentle like this. [touches Kagome somewhere he shouldn't]

Kagome and InuYasha: Get your hands off me! /I told you to get your hands off her!

Sesshumaru: [after witnessing a small argument between Inuyasha and Kagome] Inuyasha, your patience with this creature is astonishing to me. You protect her, indulge her, even seem to love her.

InuYasha: Uhh...

InuYasha: [to Kagome, angry at her for saying she believes in him] You are nuts! This sword is good for nothing! Me, I'll live, I'm half demon. You though, you ain't got a chance.

Kagome: So I should just, give up hope? [starts to cry]

InuYasha: What... what are you doing? [becomes upset when he sees Kagome crying] Are you crying? No crying!

Kagome: [getting angry] Oh, should I laugh?!

InuYasha: No! You should shut up and let me protect you!

Kagome: [slaps Myoga the flea] Do I look like a blood bank?

InuYasha: [has found out that Kagome told the Thunder Brothers that he is her lover] You actually think I'd hand over the jewel shards as a ransom to get you back?

Kagome: Of course you would, cause that's what a lover would do!

InuYasha: But we're not lovers! And without love, the whole argument kinda falls apart!

[Inuyasha, Kagome on his back, is chasing a crow demon that has taken the jewel]

InuYasha: What are you waiting for? Hurry up and shoot it!

Kagome: Shoot? You’re kidding, right? I've never used a bow in my life!

InuYasha: The crow lives by eating human flesh. If you think that's bad, let it swallow the jewel!

[The crow swallows the jewel]

Kagome: Ahh! It swallowed it! Fine! I'll try!

InuYasha: Thank you!

[Kagome's arrow misses the crow, despite Inuyasha telling her that Kikyou was a master archer. Inuyasha falls face first to the ground, Kagome still on his back]

Kagome: What the... I thought you said that she was a master archer!

InuYasha: She was! It's you that's the klutz!

Batman: Under the Red Hood

Jason Todd: Is that what you think this is about? You letting me die? I don't know what clouds your judgment worse, your guilt or your antiquated sense of morality. Bruce, I forgive you for not saving me. But why, why on God's earth... [smashes closet door open, holding Joker] ...is he still alive?!

Joker: [cackles] Gotta give the boy points. He came all the way from the dead to make this shindig happen! So who's got a camera? Ooh! Ooh! Get one of me and the kid first. Then you and me, then the three of us. And then the one with the crowbar.

Jason Todd: [puts gun to Joker's temple] You'll be as quiet as possible, or I'll put one in your lap first.

Joker: Party pooper. No cake for you.

Jason Todd: Ignoring what he's done in the past... Blindly, stupidly disregarding the entire graveyards he's filled, the thousands who have suffered, the friends he's crippled… You know, I thought... I thought I'd be the last person you'd ever let him hurt. If it had been you that he beat to a bloody pulp, if he had taken you from this world, I would've done nothing but search the planet for this pathetic pile of evil, death-worshiping garbage… And then send him off to hell!

Batman: You don't understand. I don't think you'd ever understood.

Jason Todd: What? What, your moral code just won't allow for that? It's too hard to cross that line?

Batman: No. God Almighty, no. It'd be too damned easy. All I've ever wanted to do is kill him. A day doesn't go by I don't think about subjecting him to every horrendous torture he's dealt out to others, and then end him.

Joker: Awwww, so you do think about me.

Batman: But if I do that, if I allow myself to go down into that place, I'll never come back.

Jason Todd: Why? I'm not talking about killing Penguin or Scarecrow or Dent. I'm talking about HIM, just him. And doing it because... because he took me away from you.

Batman: I can't. I'm sorry.

Joker: That is so sweet!

Leon: You wanna die?! There’s easier ways to kill yourself!

Red Hood: Yeah, like yelling at the guy with the AK-47.

Nightwing: But he is locked up, like a lot locked up. Maybe we should go for a visit. [Looks over to where Bruce was just sitting to see him gone] Could you just once say 'Let's get in the car!' Is that so hard?!

Black Mask: I want this man dead. When I say "dead," I mean seriously dead. Beaten. Broken. His head mounted-on-my-wall kind of dead!

Ms. Li: Understood. We'll be taking further precautions at every transaction-

Black Mask: SCREW THAT! It's time he learns that this is a contact sport! We're going on offense. Rough up his business. Something big, something loud! When he shows up to shut us down, have a party waiting for him... and when I say "party," I actually mean A WHOLE LOT OF PEOPLE WHO ARE GONNA KILL HIM!

Ms. Li: I figured.

Black Mask: Just being clear.

Nightwing: [to Batman after he uses a rocket to destroy The Red Hood's helicopter] You know what I miss most about running with you? The toys.

Black Mask: I hope you understand the trouble I've gone through to arrange this little get together. A lot of money. A lot of dead meat… I've got a problem and you are absolutely the man who possesses the gifts to take care of that problem. I need you to murder the Red Hood. You think you can handle that?

Joker: [Joker is eating a packet of chips and coughs] May I have some water? [One of Black Mask's agents gets him a glass of water, Joker breaks it over the end of the table and shoves it in the agent's throat, takes his gun and shoots the other agents, Black Mask stares down the barrel of the gun as Joker laughs maniacally] I'm gonna need something to wear and a very big truck.

Black Mask: Sure. Anything else?

Joker: I'll gonna need some guys. Not these guys because, well, they're kind of dead.

Nightwing: You're gonna have to do better than that.

Batman. I did.

[Amazo explodes]

Black Mask: Are you telling me that scumbag stole my guns, AGAIN?

Ms. Li: No, sir, he destroyed them. Blew up the truck, the driver...

Black Mask: Damn it! Of all the... DAMN IT!

Ms. Li: Previously, he was just enlisting anyone under our province to come work for him. Now he just seems to be killing them.

Black Mask: Oh, so we got another Batman? One who doesn't mind the blood?

Ms. Li: No, sir. He's no Batman. He's still taking huge cuts from off the streets. But now, he's eliminating the competition. He's coming after you.

Black Mask: [the Black Mask starts punching out his bodyguards] You wanna tell me why this guy ain't dead?

Ms. Li: We're trying. We sent the Fearsome Hand of Four.

Black Mask: Four? Guess they're gonna need a new name... Why hasn't Batman wiped this little smear off the face of the planet?

Ms. Li: Maybe he doesn't want to. Perhaps he's letting your and the Red Hood war it out. He could be waiting...

Black Mask: To take on the winner? What do you think this is, a tennis tournament?

Ms. Li: I'm just saying...

Black Mask: You're an idiot! And you don't know Batman! He's not letting this lunatic just run wild! He can’t catch him either! … Or it's something else. Can't you feel it? We're stuck in the damn crossfire! [Black Mask notices the a crosshair on him and sees Red Hood waving at him from another building with a rocket launcher] Aw hell… [Black Mask sprints from the room, followed by Ms. Li and his bodyguards]

Red Hood: Wow. He sure can move when he really wants to. [Fires the rocket launcher]

Miss Congeniality

Stan Fields: Miss Rhode Island, please describe your idea of a perfect date.

Cheryl “Rhode Island”: That's a tough one. I'd have to say April 25th. Because it's not too hot, not too cold, all you need is a light jacket.

Gracie Hart: [sarcastically to Eric Matthews] Now there is a hardened criminal.

Kathy Morningside: New Jersey, as you know, there are many who consider the Miss United States Pageant to be outdated and anti-feminist. What would you say to them?

Gracie Hart: Well, I would have to say - I used to be one of them. And then I came here and I realized that these women are smart, terrific people who are just trying to make a difference in the world. And we've become really good friends. I mean, I know we all secretly hope the other one will trip and fall on her face, and - wait a minute, I've already done that! And for me this experience has been one of the most rewarding and liberating experiences of my life.

[audience applauds]

Victor Melling: My God, I did it!

Gracie Hart: And if anyone, anyone - tries to hurt one of my new friends, I would take them out. I would make them suffer so much that they'd wish they were never born. And if they ran, I would hunt them down. Thank you, Kathy.

Victor Melling: A brief shining moment, and then that mouth!

Victor Melling: The interview is the single most important part of the pageant. It counts for 30 percent of your total score.

Gracie Hart: What's the other 70 percent, cleavage?

[Explaining why she was with a guy the night before]

Gracie Hart: I was dating him for a little while because he told me he had an incurable disease...

All Girls: Ooh.

Gracie Hart: Yeah, I didn't realize it was stupidity.

Victor Melling: [Is surprised at being given a bunch of weapons by Gracie Hart, who hid them in her clothes] What, no armored car?

Gracie Hart: That would be in my other dress.

Gracie Hart: Look, I know what I'm gonna do. I haven't done this since high school but it's like riding a bike.

Victor Melling: You are not having sex on this stage.

Gracie Hart: I didn't know that was an option.

Victor Melling: [Watches as Gracie Hart leaves a restaurant with a clunky walk] Oh my God… I haven’t see a walk like that since Jurassic Park.

Gracie Hart: Yeah, well, it’s been working really well for me for the past thirty years, alright?

Victor Melling: [walks beside her gracefully] Well glide. Now glide. Glide.

Gracie Hart: [Is stunned for a moment before trying to copy his actions, looking at the ground]

Victor Melling: Don’t look down. Don’t look down. Look up. Your chin should always be parallel to the floor. Now glide.

Gracie Hart: [Tries again, over-dramatically]

Victor Melling: [Stops her] It’s not the bloody ice capades. Glide.

Gracie Hart: Gliding! [Irritably tries again]

Victor Melling: No, no. Don’t pick your feet up. Why are you picking your feet up?

Gracie Hart: Because I’m preparing to run away!

Victor Melling: No, wait, wait! Watch me! Glide, glide… [Glides again, turns back] See? Glide! [Continues gliding] It’s all in the buttocks! Don’t I look pretty?

Gracie Hart: It takes a very secure man to walk like that… [Follows his lead and does as he says, groaning. Gracie almost gets hit by a taxi while crossing the street.] Hey, I’m gliding here!

Victor Melling: Why is New Jersey called "The Garden State"?

Gracie Hart: Because it's too hard to fit "Oil and Petrochemical Refinery State" on a license plate?

Victor Melling: By the way, what are you planning to do for your talent: sing, dance, chew with your mouth closed?

Gracie Hart: I will do whatever you want me to do, Yoda.

Eric Matthews: Operation "Thong" has commenced.

Gracie Hart: Why don't you stun-gun yourself?

Eric Matthews: I knew she'd like that one.

Stan Fields: What is the one most important thing our society needs?

Gracie Hart: That would be harsher punishment for parole violators, Stan.

[crowd is silent]

Gracie Hart: And world peace!

[crowd cheers ecstatically]

Stan Fields: Thank you, Gracie Lou.

Gracie Hart: And thank you, Stan.

[Gracie walks offstage]

Victor Melling: That was charming. Are you drunk?

Gracie Hart: I'm glad you enjoyed it. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go unscrew my smile!

Gracie Hart: Oh my gosh, it's the crown!

Victor Melling: Yes, it is! You can taste it now, can't you?

[Gracie is taken to the stage, wildly pointing at her head while she stutters about the crown]

Victor Melling: Yes, yes! Wear the crown, be the crown, you are the crown!

Miss Hawaii: Oh I know and it's an honor to have made it this far, I mean especially when you come from such a small state,

Cheryl “Rhode Island”: Oh that's so true. Us Rhode Islanders...

Miss Hawaii: Umm I wasn't finished. Did it sound like I was finished?

Cheryl “Rhode Island”: I'm sorry. I,

Karen “New York”: Ay Dios, what are you apologizing to her for? She's obviously been drinking too much Coppertone.

Gracie Hart: In Hawaii, don't they use aloha for, like, hello and goodbye?

Miss Hawaii: So?

Gracie Hart: So if you're on the phone with somebody and they won't stop talking, how do you get them? You say, 'Okay take care, aloha' don't they just start over again?

[Gracie pulls earpiece out of her ear]

Eric Matthews: Wo wo wo. Wait a minute, what are you doing? Put that back in your ear.

Gracie Hart: I can't talk girl talk with a guy in my head! I can't even do it with me in my head!

Frank Tobin: You're a genius.

Kathy Morningside: No, Frank, I'm just pissed off.

Eric Matthews: You took your earpiece out! Vic needs you, now!

Gracie Hart: Eric, I haven't slept in two days!

Eric Matthews: I'll give you a cookie.

Gracie Hart: [mumbling to herself] It better be a big one.

Gracie Hart: I would so love to hurt you right now.

Victor Melling: As long as you smile.

[after McDonald sees himself in a bikini on the computer]

Eric Matthews: We were just looking for someone to go undercover at the pageant.

McDonald: And I'm the best we have? That doesn't inspire much confidence.

Eric Matthews: What do you say, Hart?

Gracie Hart: No freakin' way.

Eric Matthews: Sparky, why not?

Gracie Hart: Cause I'm not gonna parade around in a swimsuit like some airhead bimbo that goes by the name, what, Gracie Lou Freebush and all she wants is world peace?

Eric Matthews: It won't be like that. Come on, you're an important member of the undercover team.

Gracie Hart: Yeah, right, in a thong.

Eric Matthews: All right, here's your new IDs. For pageant identity.

Gracie Hart: [looking at hers] Gracie Lou Freebush?

Eric Matthews: Yeah, remember, you like that name.

Gracie Hart: Yeah, well, my IQ just dropped ten points.

Victor Melling: Your hair should make a statement.

Gracie Hart: As long as it doesn't say 'Thank you very much for the Country Music Award!'

Cheryl “Rhode Island”: My idea of a perfect date would be a man who takes me to a romantic dinner, and then we walk along the beach barefoot discussing books and - and music and - and movies.

Karen “New York”: No wonder you're still a virgin.

Victor Melling: If I'd ever had a daughter, I imagine she might have been something like you... which is perhaps why I've never reproduced.

Gracie Hart: It's so fun it should be illegal. Speaking of illegal, have you ever, like...committed a crime?

Cheryl “Rhode Island”: Yes! Yes, I did…

Gracie Hart: Go on.

Cheryl “Rhode Island”: One time, I stole red underwear from the department store. My mother wouldn't buy them! She said they were Satan's panties!

Victor Melling: He's with me.

Eric Matthews: [Mortified by what that implied] I'm not "with him" with him, you know? It's not like...

Victor Melling: Come on, Muffin!

Cheryl “Rhode Island”: [answering her question] In a way, America is like a big ship, and when we work together and respect each other, that's when the ship gets safely home.

Victor Melling: [as the audience applauds] Terrific answer! DAMMIT!

Karen “New York”: I just want to let all the lesbians out there know: if I can make it to the top ten, so can you! Big out to Brooklyn! Yo!

Dave the Pageant Director: Get her off of there! Go to Stan!

Karen “New York”: [to a girl in the audience] Tina, I love you, baby!

Tina: Oh, Karen! I love you, Karen!

Karen “New York”: Yo, Tina! I love you, baby!

[Gracie, watching the scene, applauds, whoops, and nods in approval]

Stan Fields: And we'll be right back with our final five lesbians - interviews!

Dave the Pageant Director: Bumper, commercial, can we say lesbians?

Female Assistant Director: You got a problem with that?

Kathy Morningside: Of course he had a gun. This is Texas; everybody has a gun. My florist has a gun!

Stan Fields: I don't have a gun. My ancestors were Quakers.

Gracie Hart: Look, she's gonna cry again. [Imitating winner] "Oh, if I only had a brain."

Kathy Morningside: You know, you think you saved something tonight, but all you did was to destroy the dream of young women all over this country.

Gracie Hart: What? You think that their dream is to get blown up?

Victor Melling: In place of friends and relationships, you have sarcasm and a gun!

Gracie Hart: Oh, I have sarcasm? When every word that comes out of your mouth is dripping with disdain?

Victor Melling: Ah! That is because I am a miserable, grumpy elitist - and that works for me!

Gracie Hart: You know what? I don't have relationships because I don't want them, an-an-and I don't have friends because I work 24/7. And you have no idea why I am the way that I am.

Victor Melling: As we're practicing interviews, why are you the way you are?

Gracie Hart: None of your damn business.

Victor Melling: The judges probably have never heard that before. We have more to do here.

Gracie Hart: No, we are finished. [Leaves]

Victor Melling: Finished? [Watches her leave and looks at the interview cards] "How do you feel about gun control?" Favorable.

Suite Life of Zack and Cody

Mr. Mosby: HOW. DO YOU LOSE. A WOMAN?

Cody: You forget to cherish her.

Rebecca: Hi.

Cody: [Stammers]

Rebecca: I'm sorry, I don't speak Vietnamese.

Cody: I meant, do you need some help with your bags?

Rebecca: That's very nice of you but I'm not supposed to talk to strangers.

Cody: Oh it's ok. I'm not that strange except when I get really nervous I can't stop talking which is odd because I'm aware of it and you'd think I'd know better but for some strange reason-

Rebecca: Alrighty then!

Zack: First, we get you an imperial suite.

Maddie: Do you know how much they cost?

Cody: Aww, she thought we're gonna pay.

Zack: Aww, that's sweet. No, we don't pay here, baby.

Ilsa: Get this mutt off of me!

London: (monotone) Stop. Bad dog. No.

(When Zach and London are in the air vent)

London: Man, it stinks in here.

Zack: Sorry.

(When Maddie and Cody are in the air vent)

Maddie: I just wanted to make a little money so a could buy myself a few nice things, because some of us have to work and don't get sent to Paris as a punishment for breaking into Johnny Ripp's dressing room. Man, it stinks in here!

Cody: Sorry.

Zack: (about Maddie) Baby's got it going on! (Makes a shape of an hourglass "body" with his hands)

Carey: She's got what going where?

Zack: I don't know what I am saying.

Carey: We may live in a palace, but we are not royalty.

Zack: I think you're a queen, Mommy.

Carey: Aww… Put a sock in it.

Zack: (about Maddie) What is she doing here?!

Maddie: Saving your butt before I kick it.

Zack: Is that a threat or a promise?

Cody: Did you see how those flowers made Mom smile?

Zack: Yeah, it's great. If she has a boyfriend, she'll be so busy being all girly with him, she'll leave us alone!

Cody: And she'll be happy...

Zack: And we'd be able to play that video game!

Cody: And she'll be happy.

Zack: And we won't have to make our beds!

Cody: And she'll be HAPPY!

Zack : You're so selfish! Can't you think of anything besides mom's happiness?

Zack: Mom, guess what? We're gonna be on TV!

Carey: What did you set on fire?!

Mr. Moseby: Esteban, I need you.

Esteban: When I am good and ready!

Mr. Moseby: WHAT did you say?

Esteban: Now I am good and ready!

London: I don't like this tangerine!

Maddie: No, that is a Tam-bo-rine! A tangerine is what the audience is gonna throw at you!

Max: Will you guys stop fighting?

Cody: We are not fighting, we are having a creative discussion.

Zack: We are too fighting.

Cody: Creative discussion!

Zack: Fight!

Cody: Discussion!

Max: I can't believe you guys are fighting about if you're having a fight!

Max: Everyone knows nothing rhymes with orange.

Tapeworm: Oh yeah? What about "snorange"?

Max: Thank you, Dr. Seuss.

Tapeworm: What do we do? We're next, and Zack and Cody still aren't here.

Max: We'll do what all great rock stars do.

Tapeworm: Trash a hotel room?

Carey: Did I ever tell you about when I was in my first band?

Zack: Yes.

Carey: And how we couldn't work together and eventually broke up?

Zack: Yes. And then your boyfriend stole your car and ran off with your best friend...

Carey: Yeah, yeah, okay. And what did we learn from that story?

Zack: You need to pick better men?

Carey: Cody, do you have anything to say to your brother?

Cody: [to Zack] I'm sorry I flicked flour in your face.

Carey: Zack?

Zack: [to Cody] I'm sorry you're my brother.

Carey: [sternly] Zack.

Zack: I'm sorry I worked you like a pack mule. I was only thinking about the money. Lots and lots of money, bag loads of money-!

Carey: Zack!

Zack: Sorry.

Batman/Superman: Public Enemies:

Batman: The kryptonite is near your heart. I don't know if I'll get it before the wound closes.

Superman: Where's The Flash when you need him?

Batman: Do me a favor and lose the sense of humor.

Superman: Do us both a favor and buy one.

Superman: Why is it that good villains never die?

Batman: Clark, what the hell are good villains?

Toyman: [of the rocket] Oh, one other thing. Back when I designed it, I was way into hero worship.

Superman: You are absolutely sure this is going to work?

Toyman: Does Power Girl have big-

Batman: Just feed it the numbers, kid.

Lex Luthor: It had to be you! The one other person in the world smart enough to stop that meteor!

Toyman: The only person smart enough. You couldn't do it, remember?

Newscaster: Lex Luthor's attempt to win the presidency the old-fashioned way... by buying it; seems to be picking up steam. New poles show that 22% of Americans now support his third party bid. In a completely unrelated story, 22% of Americans now indicate a preference for getting [beep] in the [beep] with a red hot poker!

Superman: [looks at Metallo's burnt carcass] They must think I did this with my heat vision.

Batman: You couldn't have. Not unless your heat vision is radioactive. It's not, is it? [guards appear, Batman brings out a batarang]

Superman: No. This way. [grabs Batman and they fly through the ceiling]

Superman: Now I really look like a criminal.

Batman: It's done wonders for me.

Justice League: War:

Green Lantern: As I was saying, Green Lantern can do anything.

Batman: Except shut up, apparently.

Green Lantern: Wow, someone forgot to take their True Blood tonight.

Batman: I'm not a vampire.

Green Lantern: Seriously? I thought it was the darkness and the vanishing, and the, what, super strength?

Batman: No.

Green Lantern: Can you fly?

Batman: In a plane.

Green Lantern: Wait, you're not just some guy in a bat costume, are you? Are you freaking kidding me? What, nobody asked you to prom so you now dress as a bat and prowl around your parents' basement?

Wonder Woman: You've gathered to protest me? You, what is your problem with me?

Pinstriped Loudmouth: You want the truth? You swing that sword with a smile and you scare normal people. And you dress like a whore.

Wonder Woman: This is not your truth. The Lasso compels you. Now tell us your truth.

Pinstriped Loudmouth: I cross-dress in a Wonder Woman costume outfit. It makes me feel powerful.

Wonder Woman: [Laughs] Embrace your truth, my friend. My outfit makes me feel powerful too.

Green Lantern: [to Wonder Woman] Get him out of there! His showboating is gonna ruin the entire plan! Oh, great, now I'm Batman.

Batman: [Batman removes the ring from Green Lantern, he changes back to Hal] What's this do?

Green Lantern: Huh?

Batman: No buttons. I assume it works off concentration.

Hal Jordon: How did you do that?

Batman: You weren't concentrating.

Green Lantern: [puts ring back on and changes back] You won't do that again.

Batman: Unless I want to.

Green Lantern: Flash, my boy. Great to see you. Oh, yeah, and that's Batman.

The Flash: Batman's real?

Green Lantern: Yeah, he's over there.

The Flash: Wait, what? It is a real honor to meet you, sir, Batman. Sir, Batman, sir. Ahem.

Green Lantern: Don't bother. That guy's a total tool.

Batman: I followed your efforts in Central City, Flash. You do tight, efficient work.

Green Lantern: Hey, Barry, you, uh, got a little something on your nose.

Green Lantern: Costume? This is my uniform.

Batman: Quiet.

Green Lantern: Oh, you wanna bark orders, after I did the heavy lifting and pulled everyone together?

Batman: You're referring to when you botched simple directives and Wonder Woman led the charge?

Green Lantern: Cyborg showed you a video?

Batman: He e-mailed it to me.

Green Lantern: I really hate you, Bats.

Green Lantern: They don't like us much.

Batman: The world's afraid of us.

Green Lantern: You say that like it's good thing.

Batman: It's necessary.

President: That said, I am very please to introduce you... Gee, I didn't even ask. Do you guys have a name?

Shazam: Yes, we do.

Cyborg: We do?

Shazam: That's right. You can call us the Super Seven.

Superman: Please don't call us that. [Looks at Shazam] The Super Seven?

Shazam: What, you don't like it?

Green Lantern: Here's the plan. Green Lantern kicks Superman's ass. TMZ's got the video.

Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths:

[Flash bumps into the invisible plane]

Wonder Woman: Mind your head.

Flash: I can't believe you kept that thing.

Wonder Woman: Spoils of war. I like it.

Flash: What do you need a plane for anyway? You can fly.

Green Lantern: You drive a car.

Flash: That is so not the point.

Flash: [sees a naked Lex] Oh, and they call me The Flash.

Batman: All right, Flash. Beginning test run.

Flash: I don't know, Batman. This is pretty radical. You're absolutely sure it works?

Batman: Pretty sure.

Flash: Pretty sure? That isn't... [Batman teleports Flash aboard new headquarters] ...good enough.

Batman: Teleporter's online.

Flash: Are you crazy? Is he crazy? How could he use that thing on me if the wasn't sure?

J’onn J’onzz: He was joking.

Flash: Yeah, how can you tell?

Wonder Woman: You really think he would risk your life if he wasn't sure?

Flash: Well, maybe. I mean, I don't think he likes me very much.

J’onn J’onzz: I don't think he likes anyone very much.

Model Citizen: You don't wanna fight me. You wanna help me.

Flash: I don't wanna fight you, I want... [snaps out of her control] Hey, this is like the Jedi mind trick!

Model Citizen: This is not like the Jedi mind trick.

Flash: This is not like the Jedi mind trick.

Lex Luthor: [police have him surrounded] No need to make a scene. I want you to call the Justice League for me.

Police Officer: Or else?

Lex Luthor: Oh, I don't know. I'll destroy the world? Is that sufficient?

Superwoman: [to Batman] Whatever will I do with you? I could use this to send you away. Perhaps here...an Earth where humanity has mutated into hideous creatures of the night. No. You might like that.

Wonder Woman: [about Rose] Maybe there's another one like her back on our Earth.

J’onn J’onzz: With my luck, she'll be evil.

Flash: Are we there yet?

Green Lantern: That wasn't funny the first 15 times you said it, either.

Flash: How are we supposed to get inside again?

Lex Luthor: Multi-frequency band, encryption analyzer-replicator pack.

Flash: Some of us don't speak Star Trek.

Lex Luthor: Think of it as a fancy garage-door opener.

Superman: We're gonna hit multiple targets at the same time. Teams of two.

Lex Luthor: We'd be hopelessly outnumbered. When my Justice League fought them...

Superman: All due respect, Lex. We're aren't your Justice League.

Flash: What's the call?

Superman: You and J'onn. Diana and GL. He's with me.

Lex Luthor: That's insane.

Flash: Don't worry, Lex. He's got your slack.

Superman: Flash.

Flash: Well, you do.

Black Canary: Wanna hear a secret? [screams into a Made Man's ear]

Batman: Superman's close. I've been tracking his flight pattern.

Green Lantern: On what? Your own satellite?

Batman: *gives him a look over his shoulder*

Green Lantern: I was kidding! You have a satellite?!

Justice League: Doom:

Batman: I've carefully studied every Justice Leaguer, past and present and created contingency plans to neutralize you should that become necessary.

The Flash: You've gotta be kidding me.

Batman: Neutralize, not kill. Whoever implemented my plans altered them.

Wonder Woman: It's still a completely unacceptable breach of our trust.

Batman: The members of the Justice League are among the most powerful and potentially dangerous people on the planet.

The Flash: You think one of us would go over to the other side?

Batman: Or succumb to mind control. Yes, it's impossible. That's why I developed plans for containing any of all members of the JLA should the need ever arise.

Superman: None of us would ever do that to you.

Batman: Then you're damned fools.

Superman: In light of the recent breach of trust revealed to us during the Vandal Savage matter, we have to decide whether Batman should remain in the League. All those in favor of...

Wonder Woman: Wait. Before we vote, I believe the accused should be allowed a few words in his defense.

Green Lantern: Seconded.

Superman: Okay. Batman?

Batman: My actions don't require any defense. In the same situation, I'd do it again.

The Flash: Aw, come on!

Batman: As individuals, and even more so as a group, the Justice League is far too dangerous to lack a failsafe against any possible misuse of our power.

Wonder Woman: We use our power to protect the world. We always have.

Batman: And what if we ever used it for some other purpose? [rises from his seat] If you people can't see the potential danger of an out-of-control Justice League, I don't need to wait for a vote. I don't belong here. [walks out of the room]

King: No way Batman came here alone.

Jack: What, I'm supposed to be worried about Robin?

Green Lantern: That's three you owe me.

Batman: We keeping score?

Green Lantern: Not literally.

Batman: Because if we are, it's 8 to 7, my favor.

The Flash: Batman, you okay?

Batman: I'll live.

Superman: So will Ace, apparently.

Martian Manhunter: He's still a little embarrassed from last time.

Superman: He sucker-punched me.

Alfred Pennyworth: Late night playing cards, Master Bruce?

Batman: Something like that. How did you know?

Alfred Pennyworth: [picks out a card from the driver seat] I believe tradition for hiding these up one's sleeve.

Batman: Was that sarcasm, Alfred?

Alfred Pennyworth: Mild teasing, at best. I'm being uncharacteristically gentle with you mainly because you're bleeding all over my nice clean floor.

Batman: Not going to let me go to work?

Alfred Pennyworth: That is correct, Master Bruce. Not until you've had proper medical attention...

Batman: Fine.

Alfred Pennyworth: ...food, and a minimum of eight hours' bed rest.

Batman: Let's get this over with.

Alfred Pennyworth: I made chicken soup. You can eat while you brood and I'll put in your stitches myself. It will be delightful, I'm sure.

Batman: All right.

Alfred Pennyworth: By the way, the part about the stitches? That would be sarcasm.

Green Lantern: Wake up, King. Got some questions for you.

King: I want a lawyer.

Green Lantern: You're getting ahead of yourself. [Makes fist with energy] First you want a doctor. Then you want a lawyer.

Green Lantern: All right, now come the warning shots. Give up? Please say no.

Ten: You'll never catch me, Lantern.

Green Lantern: Lots of women say that.

Superman: Maybe I could push the earth out of the way.

Batman: If I had a week, I couldn't list all the reasons why that wouldn't work.

Batman: Mask of the Phantasm:

The Joker: [when Batman picks up the phone in Andrea's apartment] Hello, anybody home? Listen, boopsie, even though you never call and never write, I still got a soft spot for you. So I'm sending you a fun gift, airmail! And there's no use jumping out the window this time, toots...

[Batman looks out the window and sees a toy Joker plane flying in carrying a bomb]

The Joker: The plane of the future is going to make you history!

[Batman throws a Batarang, exploding the bomb outside the window; the blast knocks him back against the wall, and the phone is left dangling]

The Joker: [laughing] Hello? Hello, operator? I believe my party's been... disconnected! HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAA!

Andrea Beaumont: What's that you're practicing?

Bruce Wayne: Jujitsu.

Andrea Beaumont: Gesundheit... That was a joke.

[At Bruce's parents' grave]

Bruce Wayne: It doesn't mean I don't care anymore. I don't want to let you down, honest, but... but it just doesn't hurt so bad anymore. You can understand that, can't you? Look, I can give money to the city - they can hire more cops. Let someone else take the risk, but it's different now! [thunder and lightning] Please! I need it to be different now. I know I made a promise, but I didn't see this coming. I didn't count on being happy. [thunder and lightning] Please! Tell me that it's okay.

Andrea Beaumont: [enters] Maybe they already have. Maybe they sent me.

[They embrace in the rain]

Arthur Reeves: [on TV] What kind of city are we running when we depend on the support of a potential madman!

[click]

Alfred: What rot, sir! Why you're the very model of sanity. Oh by the way, I pressed your tights and put away your exploding gas balls.

Bruce Wayne: Thank you, Alfred.

[at Andrea's mother's grave]

Andrea Beaumont: So, tell me - with all that money and power, how come you always look like you want to jump off a cliff?

Bruce Wayne: Why do you care?

Andrea Beaumont: I don't. Mom was asking.

Alfred Pennyworth: There are certain advantages to having a sturdy cranium, Master Bruce. But then, hardheadedness was always your virtue.

Partygoer: Quite a sight.

Andrea Beaumont: [Melancholic] Yes.

Partygoer: I'm sorry. Do - Do you want to be alone?

Andrea Beaumont: I am.

Son of Batman:

Alfred Pennyworth: I hope this isn't too cramped for you. That door heads to your bath. The other, to a game room. And you also have this for your amusement. Naturally, you have the run of the mansion.

Damian Wayne: Of course. I know that. Prepare some tea, Pennyworth.

Alfred Pennyworth: Brown sugar instead of white, fresh-cut lemon. A china cup. Perhaps master would like some warm mixed nuts and a moist hand towel.

Damian Wayne: Watch yourself, Pennyworth. I'm not so young that I don't understand sarcasm.

Alfred Pennyworth: While I am much too old to care.

Nightwing: The psychos just keep getting younger.

Batman: Alfred?

Alfred Pennyworth: Yes, sir.

Batman: We're going to have company.

Alfred Pennyworth: A sleepover? Oh, goody.

Damian Wayne: Is this what you wore in training?

Dick Grayson: It's what I wore when I went on patrol.

Damian Wayne: The only thing that's missing is lace trim and a sun hat.

Dick Grayson: You don't fool me. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that you could be Robin. Well, you can't.

Damian Wayne: I don't need some insipid costume and a bird name. I'm way beyond your kind of simplistic training. As you saw tonight.

Dick Grayson: Don't forget, you lost that fight.

Alfred Pennyworth: Are you all right, Master Dick?

Dick Grayson: I took the cut, I can take the stitch.

Damian Wayne: Maybe you need more anesthetic.

Dick Grayson: And maybe you need to go f...

Alfred Pennyworth: Master Dick.

Ladybugs

Chester: I've never saw such beautiful landscaping. Looks like all the trees threw up.

Matthew: Gimme another one.

Soda Shop Counterman: Kid, you've had enough. You're gonna spoil your dinner. Why don't you go on home?

Matthew: No, I don't want to go home. Come on, gimme another one.

Soda Shop Counterman: Kid, the way you're drinkin', you must have a girl problem.

Matthew: Yeah.

Soda Shop Counterman: Tell me about it. Maybe I could help.

Matthew: How could you help me?

Soda Shop Counterman: With girls, I been through it all. I been stood up, shook up, hung up, screwed up, and tied up. What's your problem? Y'all have a fight?

Matthew: No, no, no, we never fight. No, we get along great. We laugh together, we like the same music, the same sports. No, we get along just great.

Soda Shop Counterman: Then what's the problem?

Matthew: She don't know I'm a boy.

Soda Shop Counterman: Kid, with this girl, I don't know what you're doin', but you must be doin' it wrong.

Chester: My name is Chester. I'm great; I'm wonderful! Everybody likes me!

Redneck: Hey, Chester. My name's Harland, and to me you look like a giant asshole.

Chester: Well, if I'm an asshole there's a reason for it. You're contagious!

Matthew: No, he's not a stranger. He's just strange.

Chester: You've got to change your behavior.

Matthew: Oh and what'd I do?

Chester: What'd you do? A girl doesn't give the opposing team the finger and tell their coach, "Up yours!" A girl doesn't refer to the referee a blind bastard. A girl doesn't slap another girl on the ass and say, "You're hot stuff!" And a girl doesn't say "I gotta take a leak so bad I can taste it!"

[Chester is helping Matthew adjust his wig in a dressing room while a lady outside eavesdrops]

Chester: Just remember, we gotta be careful. I don't want your mother to find out, she'll kill me.

Matthew: God, I can't believe I'm doing this!

Chester: Don't worry, I'll be finished soon.

Matthew: Ow! Take it easy; that hurts!

Chester: Don't worry, if it's too tight you'll get used to it.

Matthew: [Dressed as a girl, leaves the dressing room. He sees the horrified woman and scurries off.]

Julie: Let me at him, Chester!

Chester: [holding her back] Take it easy, take it easy.

Julie: No, I can take him, Chester! I can take him!

Coach Bull: I'm warning you! I never hit a lady!

Chester: And I'm warning you! She's no lady!

Bess: [answers the car phone] Hello. Yeah, yeah, he's right here. Hold on. Chester, it's Martha.

Chester: [drives off the road]

Bess: Chester!

Chester: I'm sorry. I thought I saw a raccoon. [takes the phone] Martha, why are you calling me?

Matthew: Would you rather I call my mother, Chester?

Chester: [laughingly] No, no, no, no, no, no.

Matthew: Listen, Chester, I'm in big trouble. I'm at the Mullen's house. Mrs. Mullen took all the girls to her house after practice. She insisted that I go with them.

Chester: Well, just have your ice cream and cake and go home.

Matthew: [laughs nervously] Oh, listen, genius, if it was that simple, I wouldn't have called you. [whispers] Now all the girls are going skinny-dipping.

Chester: [drives off the road again] I tell you, Bess, those raccoons are all over the place.

Bartender: Look, buddy. You ought to get out there and start dating again.

Chester: You go out there, what do you meet? You meet girls looking for husbands and husbands looking for girls.

Bartender: Well, you know what they say, there's plenty of fish in the sea if you got the right bait.

Chester: Yeah. The trouble is, my hook ain't what it used to be.

Bartender: [asks what the problem with the last girl was]

Chester: I dressed her son up like a girl, and invited him to play with me. [gets thrown out of the bar] Boy! What a happy hour. Well, at least I beat the check.

Failure to Launch

Tripp: Do you have real feelings?

Paula: Of course I have real feelings!

Tripp: For what?

Paula: For you! And believe me, I did not want that because I had a good life before you. Well, not good... but... it was okay. Well, it... it was empty, actually, but at least I was blissfully unaware of how miserable I was. Whereas now... because of you... I am acutely aware of how completely and totally unhappy I am. Thank you for that.

Kit: You couldn't be more wrong if you called it a Canadian Goose.

Ace: I'll give you a Canadian Goose.

Kit: [slaps him, then a moment later, grabs him and kisses him passionately]

Tripp: All right, assuming that pretending to own a yacht was a brilliant, romantic yet ultimately flawed idea, how do you see the rest of the day playing out?

Paula: I don't know. I'm so hungry, I can't think. Seagulls ate my lunch.

Tripp: What if I took you to a restaurant?

Paula: Are you gonna pretend to own it?

Tripp: No. All the restaurants I own are in Europe.

Paula: [at the end of a paintball game, she shoots an opponent who's been trash-talking to her throughout the game] Who's laughing now?

Tripp: Dude, did you just drop me from a forty-foot cliff? I mean, you want to talk about a friend, man. You went behind my back and blackmailed your way into getting your girlfriend.

Demo: He's right.

Ace: I'm sorry I dropped you from a cliff.

Tripp: It's okay.

Demo: Granted, he used you, but not out of malice. Look at him. How many chances is he gonna get? He saw a chance for love, Tripp, and he took it, which is exactly what we wanted for you.

Tripp: Am I getting advice from my two loser buddies who still live at home?

Ace: Actually, I own my home.

Demo: What?

Tripp: No, you don't.

Ace: I bought it a couple of years ago from my Mom. That way, she has a place to live and I don't get nailed on the inheritance tax.

Demo: Smart.

Tripp: Wow.

Ace: And Demo, here, has chosen the life of a wanderer. I mean, sure, he technically still lives at home.

Demo: Yeah.

Ace: But his permanent address is in his heart. He's a bum.

Demo: I think what we're trying to say is that the two of us are happy, and we're perfectly functional.

Ace: And you, Tripp, are not.

Ben 10: Alien Force

Gwen: Follow me.

Kevin: [Driving behind her] I will follow you anywhere…except there. Come on, Gwen! Paint job!

Ben: [Disguised as a DNAlien, trying to appear casual] Hey, how’s it going? What’s up! I owe you a call!

Kevin: “I owe you a call?”

Kevin: Save some for me! Those creeps cost me a major payday!

Gwen and Ben: [Gives him irritated looks]

Kevin: …also, they’re evil and we’re against that.

Kevin: Did he just call me a lower life-form?

Ben (as Humongousaur): I’m pretty sure he did.

Gwen: And while he may have a point…it’s rude to say so.

Ben (as Humongousaur): I mock anybody that uses the word “mock.”

Ben: [Transform into Rath] RATH!

Manny: I always wanted a piece of you anyway!

Rath: LET ME TELL YA SOMETHIN’, MANNY ARMSTRONG!! YOU WANNA PIECE OF RATH?! YOU GOT A PIECE!! BUT YOU JUST BIT OFF AN EYE BIGGER THAN YOUR STOMACH CAN CHEW!!

Manny: That made no sense!

Rath: [Angry] ... I know!!!

Manny: Is that all you got? 'cause that was weak. [Continues fighting Rath, gets Rath in headlock] You're not so tough! I don't know why everyone's so scared of you!

Rath: THEN LEMME SHOW YA, PIPSQUEAK!!! [Starts using wrestling moves against Manny] POLARIS PILEDRIVER!! ANTARIAN ARM BAR!! OPHIUCHUS FACE-PLANT!! SIRIUS BUTT-KICKING!!

Manny: So, is that "Sirius" like the star, or "serious" like important?

Rath: Like the star!

Manny: Just... wondering. [passes out]

Rath: So are you scared yet?!

Helen: Ben did this to you?

Manny: Lucky punch. Followed by a lucky hammer lock, lucky kick, another lucky punch...

Helen: I see.

Manny: Then it all starts to get a little fuzzy. But there were several more pieces of luck involved.

Junior Plumbers: [Watch, shocked, as Ben enters casually while rubbing his arms after he supposedly went evil]

Ben: [trying to make himself warm] I can't believe you guys ejected me into space! [shivering] That's-that's just wrong!

Kevin: [Talking about Morningstar] Don't you think we should get to know him a little more?

Ben: What's to know? He's got the powers, he's got the gear-

Kevin: He's got a sparkly trail when he flies.

Gwen: You're sweet to do this Kevin. Ken is-

Kevin: [chuckles] What? Ken?! Your brother's name is Ken?! Gwen and Ken Tennyson. What are your folks' names, Sven and Jen? I'm talking to you, Ben.

Ben: [sarcastic] Yes, our names rhyme and you noticed, good for you.

Kevin: For a guy who's so cool, he sure picked a lame spot to have spring break.

Gwen: Ken IS totally cool. And he didn't pick where the awesome-mobile broke down.

Kevin: "Awesome-mobile"?

Ben: His car... I told you he's cool.

Kevin: *sarcastic* Oh yeah, who could doubt it.

Kevin: That's a work-related accident. You can sue.

Ben: We are not stealthy.

Kevin: But we kick much butt.

Kevin: So, was I right?

Ben: Yeah, worst road trip ever.

[At Ben's house]

Ben: Has anyone told you you're a strange and dangerous person?

Kevin: Constantly...but enough about me. Gwen says that you need a favor.

Ben: Uh, yeah. See, I wanna go to the pier tonight with Julie...

Kevin: I bet you do.

Ben: And, since I don't have a car…

Kevin: Or a license.

Ben: …Or a license. I was wondering if you could give us a ride.

Kevin: OK.

Ben: …No jokes, no insults, no blackmail?

Kevin: Nope.

Ben: Wow, thanks. Wait...you're gonna wait till we're in the car and you're gonna make my life miserable, aren't you?

Kevin: [smiles, then slams door] Knobs broken

[Driving scene]

Kevin: Now remember Benny-boy. Your mother and I want you back by 10-O'clock sharp, or you can't go to the disco.

Julie: Disco?

Ben: He watches a lot of reruns.

Gwen: Give'em a break, Kevin.

Kevin: Gosh, pumpkin, what do you mean?

Gwen: [ticked off] You know exactly what I mean. At least when Ben likes a girl, he lets her know. He asks her out, maturely. Isn't that a novel approach?

Kevin: Dude, I don't know if I can pound your grandma!

Spidermonkey: That's okay. We're teaching her to mind her Mana!

Verdona: [laughs] Good one, Ben!

Verdona: Don't forget to have some fun, kiddo. Grandma's going to drop in now and again to see how you're doing.

Gwen's Mother: [sarcastically] Oh, Joy...

Ben: You know who would be perfect for this?

Kevin: The suspense is killin' me!

Ben (as Goop): [After Ben changes into Goop] GOOP Patrol is on a roll!

Kevin and Gwen: EW!

Ben (as Goop): You know this is cool!

Ben: Want some help?

Kevin: You wanna help me? Go away!

Ben: Fine by me. [puts 2 juice cups down and walks away angrily] [Walks back to drinks and grabs one] No juice for you! [walks away again]

Old Kevin: What do you think you're doing?

Ben: Driving.

Old Kevin: Don't even think about it. You don't have a license.

Ben: Grandpa Max taught me, and it's an emergency. You're near-sighted, arthritic, your reflexes are shot... and you're trying to unlock a cactus.

Old Kevin: You should've gone out with me when I was young and handsome.

Gwen: Too immature.

Old Kevin: How 'bout now?

Gwen: Too old.

Gwen: Wait a minute, they paid you to bring Ben to them, didn't they?

Kevin: That hurts. Don't you think I ever do anything of the goodness of my heart?

Gwen: How. Much?

Kevin: I cut him a deal.

[Arguing scene]

Manny: Think you're funny?

Kevin: Hey, you're the comedian. At least you got the face for it.

Manny: BOY, ARE YOU ASKIN' FOR IT?!

Kevin: I'm begging for it! Who's gonna give it to me?!

Helen: (to Gwen) Tell your boyfriend to back off!

Gwen: No, you tell yours- whoa, he is so not my boyfriend!

Gwen: [Referring to Alien X] You can't just stuff him in the trunk.

Kevin: You're right...he doesn't fit.

Gwen: I'm serious, he hasn't moved since he fixed the dam. Maybe he's hurt or...

Kevin: Nah, he's warm. Maybe he's resting.

Ben: [To Serena] You! You're supposed to be love and compassion! How can you let an entire world die!? [To Bellicus] And you! You're supposed to be anger and aggression! How can you let bad stuff go unpunished!? How can you both be so useless!?

Bellicus: [Outraged] Useless!?

Serena: We're the most powerful being in the universe. We change the very nature of space and time.

Ben: You don't do anything! Billions of lives are at stake and you're like "Oh the procedure". [Serena starts crying]

Bellicus: Now look at what you did! Alright, I move that we save the Earth! Happy!?

Ben: No! Just let me out of here! I've got nine other guys who can do it better.

Serena: That's hurtful.

Ben: My name is Ben, Ben Tennyson. What's yours?

Reinassic III: I am known as Corine Reinassic III, seventh son of the noble Highbreed house of Dirassa, direct descendant of the High Order of Raseckt, heir to the--

Ben: I'm gonna call you Reiny.

Reinassic III: That is disrespectful, Ben-Ben Tennyson!

Ben: (hearing a rumbling in the background) Did you hear something?

Reinassic III: I heard nothing except you, human - which is the same as nothing.

Ben: (dryly) Ha-ha.

Reinassic III: I believe I'm beginning to grasp your concept of humour.

Ben: I swear, I've been calculating the angular momentum. If I don't pass, my mom will ground me, which means minimal hero time and zero Julie time. You do the math because, apparently, I can't.

Kevin: I believe him. When you lie, your left eye twitches. But who knows, maybe you've been blackin' out and sleep fighting.

Ben: (looking at Albedo's left eye twitching) It really does twitch when I lie.

Kevin: Told ya.

Albedo: This human body is unbearable!

Kevin: I get that, and the face is even worse.

Albedo: But some day I will be free, then they will all suffer, starting with Ben Tennyson,until that day... BRING ME CHILLI FRIES!!

Gwen: *annoyed and sighs again, magically pulls Kevin away from fixing his car*

Kevin: HEY! What?!

Gwen: Oh, look! They're having a formal dance at my school on Friday!

Kevin: What? You want me to take you to the dance?

Gwen: Great! Pick me up at 7!

Kevin: What?! *shocked*

Ben: I cannot stress enough the importance of flossing.

Kevin: Uh huh.

Ben: I found this in my teeth. [Holds up piece of metal] I think something may be going wrong with my powers.

Kevin: Uh huh. What do you know about girls?

Ben: ...Okay that has nothing to do with my problem. What do you want to know?

Kevin: Gwen's school is having some dance.

Ben: And?

Kevin: I think she might expect me to take her.

Ben: So take her.

Kevin: But the dance is at Gwen's fancy prep school...with a sit down dinner and everything. What if she expects me to waltz? What if I use the incorrect finger fork?

Ben: If she wants you to dance, dance.

Kevin: [cuts Ben off] But, I don't know how-

Ben: [cuts Kevin off] And, there's no such thing as a finger fork.

Kevin: See, if I was a preppy guy, I'd know stuff like that.

Ben: You've saved the world, been to the null void and back. I'm sure you can handle the spring formal. But I'm having problems-

Kevin: [cuts Ben off] I should go rent a video on dancing, and maybe one on forks. Just to be safe.

Gwen: Yellow roses? How did you know?

Kevin: I'm a sensitive guy with an eye for what the ladies like.

Gwen: Really?

Kevin: No. Actually, Ben told me. He was really cool about it. He gave me a lot of good advice.

Gwen: Ben?

Kevin: Yeah, he even tied my tie.

Gwen: Ben, tied your tie and gave you dating tips?

Kevin: It could happen.

Kevin: [showing Ben the video of Big Chill babies] Yep. Those are your kids.

Ben: How!?

Kevin: According to this, Necrofriggian- that's Big Chill's race -lays eggs once every eighty years or so. They'll live in space where it's cold, feeding on solar plasma. I doubt you'll ever see them again... mommy.

Ben: Cut it out!

[In a lab]

Ben: Everyone all right?

Kevin: Forget that, what about the teleporter pad?!

Gwen: Deep down, he's really glad we're okay.

Gwen and Julie: [Squealing over shopping]

Kevin: [Winces] Okay, no shrieking in the car.

Julie: Yeah, like you and Ben do when you’re watching football.

Gwen: No promises. Sometimes, we're gonna shriek.

Kevin: WE DO NOT SHRIEK! Uh, shriek.

Kevin: [laughs] Aww man. [laughs more]

Ben: What?

Kevin: [laughs] Highbreed gave you a black eye. I like him better already.

Sandra: Do you really think we're that gullible? We were teenagers once too, you know.

Carl: I really don't know what to say.

Sandra: Well, I do. Benjamin Tennyson, you are grounded!

Ben (as Echo Echo): What!? You can't ground me! I'm a super-powered alien!

Sandra: You're a super-powered alien who's about five minutes from forcing me to reconsider a lifelong disbelief in corporal punishment!

Carl: Up the stairs, young man!

Sandra: [looking at Ben as Humongousaur] I'm sure you would've found a way out even if your father hadn't shot the big alien with his giant space bazooka.

Ben: Last time when I went in the Null Void I didn't need all this junk.

Kevin: Last time you had a motor home full of state-of-the-art Plumber gear.

Ben: Which you sold.

Kevin: Nice job parking, slick!

Tyler: You can't see it from the road. Driving a truck isn't easy.

Gwen: Neither is keeping a piece of equipment this size from aliens.

Ben: Chromastone!

Tyler: [shocked at Ben’s transformation and the others’ powers] What are you people?!

Kevin: Get used to it.

DNAlien: We are stronger than you, human. Much, much stronger.

Gwen: Well, body odor isn't everything!

Kevin: What's so important that I have to miss the Auto Show?

Azmuth: The imminent destruction of your primitive world and all who live here.

Gwen: But if you'd rather go look at a new convertible, by all means.

Kevin: ...Riiiight, like I'm gonna miss this!

Gwen: Kevin Ethan Levin, you're coming with us!

Kevin: Hey!

Ben: Ethan? Your name is Kevin E. Levin? You just lost all remaining pretense of cool.

Kevin: You promised you never tell!

Azmuth: Are you inferring that you're smarter than me, because your head is bigger?

Brainstorm: No. I'm implying that I'm smarter than you, because my brain is bigger.

Ben: New plan. [Ben looks up at his teammates and thinks] Working on it!

Kevin: That's reassuring.

Ben: I got it! We break into the Highbreed Command Center and force the head Highbreed to retreat.

Darkstar: That's your plan?

Ben: Hey! How many times have I beaten you?

Darkstar: Twice. But at this moment I can't imagine how.

[In Kevin's car]

Ben: When did you get all this stuff?

Kevin: When didn't I? Every time we found some alien tech, I tossed it in the truck and whenever I had free time-

Gwen: You work on the car!

Kevin: Yep.

[Kevin's car heads towards the truck]

Ben: You're not gonna stop, are you?

Kevin: Nope. [smiles]

Ben: And this is why we always wear our seat belts!

Kevin: Nobody likes a backseat driver!

[A commercial announces a "Sumo Slammers" movie]

Ben: [In a girlish voice] AAAAAAAAAHHH! [Covers mouth in embarrassment]

Gwen: You sure Goop's down there?

Ben: It's a sewer. Of course there's goop down there.

Gwen: So not in the mood!

[Down in the sewer]

Ben: Phew! Smells like a sewer down here!

Gwen: I'm not kidding, Ben! No more sewer jokes!

Ben: Smells like a plan to me. [Gwen hits him] OW! Hey, I wonder if there are any alligators down here.

Kevin: Alligators?

Ben: Yeah. I heard that people get baby alligators as pets, and flush them down the toilet. They grow gigantic in the sewers!

Kevin: Maybe I should go up and guard the exit.

Ben: Ooooohhhh! Big tough Kevin is scared of alligators!

Gwen: There are no alligators. That's just an urban myth.

Kevin: Yeah, and we're supposed to be an urban myth too. And anyway, you're scared of spiders.

Gwen: [Frightened] Are there spiders down here?

Max: Those are Pyroxivores. I haven't seen one in years.

Kevin: How come we've never heard of 'em?

Max: Kid, there's lots of species here on Earth you won't find in any book. That's where fairy tales come from. Unicorns, Trolls, Pixies; they're all real.

Kevin: Even Bigfoot?

Max: [laughs] Don't be ridiculous. That's a guy in a suit!

Ben: Dark.

Kevin: No problem. [strikes match; reading] T...N...T... [Gwen realizes what Kevin just said, and blows out the match] What did you do that for? [strikes another match, but Ben blows the other match out] Cut it out!

Ben: You cut it out! The room's filled with dynamite! You almost blew us up!

Kevin: How was I supposed to know?

Ben: [sarcastically] I don't know. Reading?

Kevin: [looking over a destroyed road sign and other trashed things] Hooligans. Heh, and from the looks of it, amateurs.

Gwen: Are you hurt?

Kevin: [sarcastically] No, I like being blown up.

Gwen: We know. We got the 50 messages you left.

Ben: It wasn't 50!

Kevin: It was 50 each.

Kevin: [sarcastic] Oh right! The great Ben 10 is going to solve everything in one weekend.

Ben: It's a three-day weekend!

Argit: Hey! Finders keepers! Let go of my- Kevin! Long time no see; you look different. Did you cut your hair?

Kevin: [unamused] ...No.

[Kevin is crying because he lost the money of his and Argit's scam]

Gwen: Kevin, are you crying? Oh, you do have a heart!

Kevin: [sobbing] Yeah… That's what poor people have instead of money.

Octagon: What do I keep telling you, Boid? If we destroy it, we won't get paid. And that would be...?

Rhomboid: ...Bad?

Octagon: That is correct.

Octagon: We're the Vreedle brothers, ma'am. Providing quality service for all repossession needs throughout the galaxy. No questions asked.

Rhomboid: Mmhmm, because we're what you call, "Uncurious".

Ben: [about the court order] Just a bunch of alien mumbo jumbo.

Kevin: No, it's legit alright. [Ben looks at Kevin] What? I used to do a lot of repo work back in the Null Void.

Ben: This looks like that spaceship we borrowed from that guy on the moon that time.

Kevin: Yeah...

Ben: You told him you were gonna give it back!

Kevin: And I will...eventually.

[in the borrowed spaceship]

Ben: What's this button for?

Kevin: Did I not mention this is a rental?

Ben: [Sees asteroids in front of them] Incoming!

Kevin: [tries to dodge them] Now what you wanna do is- [Ben presses the button, the ship fires at the asteroids] That?

[Gwen has blasted the Vreedles]

Octagon: She has painfully set us on our backside, Boid.

Rhomboid: Mmhmm, she most certainly needs aggressive blowin' up.

Octagon: Now, I'm gonna ask again nicely: everyone back away from the glob! [Rhomboid backs away] Not you!

Kevin: Okay, here's how it's gonna go down. I've got loads of experience in a courtroom setting.

Ben: As a defendant.

Kevin: So just follow my lead.

Ben: Who's the hero here? Hello! Omnitrix bearer. They'll listen to me before they listen to criminal mastermind Kevin Levin.

Kevin: Mastermind? [turns his face and smirks at Ben]

Judge Domsdle: You do not eat children! Yes, they're delicious, but we have laws.

Baz-El: Once the word spread about my property's participation in nothing less but saving the entire universe from eradication from the uncouth, foul smelling Highbreed-

Highbreed bailiff: HEY! [Bangs the judge's desk] OBJECTION!

Judge Domsdle ...And where is the property now?

Baz-El: The, uh, Vreedle brothers are in the process of retrieving it for me, your honor.

Judge Domsdle: The Vreedle brothers?! Who in their right mind would hire the Vreedle brothers to bring somebody back alive?!

Gwen: You're sure you don't want to shoot them? [Julie nods] Then we need a distraction. [Starts popping bubble wrap]

Octagon & Rhomboid: [distracted] Ooh...

Judge Domsdle: Don't I know you, son?

Kevin: Don't think so sir.

Judge Domsdle: You're Kevin Levin! Didn't I tell you the next time I see you in my court room, I'd chuck you in the Null Void?!

Kevin: I can explain!

Judge Domsdle: That's what you always say!

Judge Domsdle: Never in all my days-

Kevin: We are so, so sorry, your honor. Your excellency, your-. Quick, Tennyson. W-what's another big word?

Judge Domsdle: The court rules in favor of... [camera zooms in on Kevin, Ben and BaZ-El] Ben Tennyson!

Baz-El: What?

Kevin: WHAT?!

Judge Domsdle: There is no reason the wielder of the Omnitrix should have to bother himself with petty matters such as this.

Baz-El: Cease and desist! You are no longer in my employ.

Rhomboid: Huh?

Kevin: He's not gonna pay you.

Rhomboid: Not! Gonna!! PAY US?!!! [blasts Baz-El]

Octagon: [sighs] Remember what we talked about you overreacting? Well, one could consider this particular occasion also qualifying as such!!

Ben: Mind telling me what's going on here?

Kevin: Short answer, Energy Axe plus Omnitrix equals dimensional displacement. Which means your hand is probably wherever you just were.

Ben: My hand is in the Null Void?!

Kevin: Simple, all we have to do is reverse the polarity of the thing that displaced it in the first place.

Ben: The axe?

Kevin: I said it was simple, not easy.

Humungousaur: I could beat you with one hand tied behind another dimension.

Kevin: Keep the beam fixed on Ben's arm.

Ben: What are you doing?

Kevin: This shot has to be just right.

Ben: And if it's not?

Kevin: Then bits of you gets scattered across multiple dimensions. Don't worry; I'm pretty sure I can do this.

Ben: Pretty sure?

Kevin: [about Max' burgers] Squid? I thought those were hamburgers.

Ben: [looks at it] That would explain the tentacles.

Kevin: [recieves a hamburger] These are regular burgers, right?

Ben: [looks at it] I see eyes and a beak in there.

Max: That was the last of my ground squid too. I have some hamburger meat in the freezer, though. I guess we could eat that.

Kevin: [feigns sorrow] Well, if we're out of squid, what can we do?

Kevin: [wakes up] I'll get the chow, last time Max made breakfast. We had scrambled eggs and eyeballs.

Kevin: No dinner last night, no breakfast this morning. What are we, on a diet?

Kevin: Come on. We'll follow in my car.

Ben: Forget the car. I've got a better idea. [selects Way Big, but becomes Humungousaur] Way Big- Aw, man! Humungousaur… I wonder if the Omnitrix is still under warranty.

Gwen: Just tell us... Are there any more Highbreed doomsday plans left on Earth we should know about?

Reinrassic III: Absolutely not! [pauses] Um, I will... check the records.

Kevin: [About Charmcaster's plan to take Gwen's powers] She probably won't come when I tell her that.

Charmcaster: Don't tell her that, you simpleton!

Kevin: Hey, give me a break. My mind's a blank.

Kevin: This couldn't be a more obvious trap if there was a sign that read "free cookies!"

Ben: Probably... but I really like cookies.

Vilgax: [about Ghostfreak] He tried to possess me.

Ben: He always was the possessive type.

Ben: You are so leaving your evil cred.

Vilgax: Watch your tone, Ben Tennyson! If I didn't need your help...!

Ben: [smiles] There's the bad guy we all love to hate!

Darkstar: Do you like being trapped in your current hideous form?

Kevin: About as much as you like being a butt-ugly energy sucking vampire. No offense.

Darkstar: None taken.

Ben: Then I guess it's time for... [Tries to transform into Humongosaur, but becomes Big Chill] Big..! Chill? Never get what I ask for! Never!

Ben: Fastest way to track her is as Jetray! [Transforms into Echo-Echo] Echo-Echo!?

Kevin: That's getting old, Ben. Seriously.

Ben (as Echo-Echo): Tell me about it!

Gwen: Careful Ben.

Kevin: Two words that contradict each other.

Gwen: You mean it's an oxymoron?

Kevin: Some kind of moron.

Kevin: I think we should get in the car. [Referring to the box transforming into a copy of Ben]

Ben: And run away?

Kevin: And run it over.

Ben copy: Run away.

Ben: Woah!

Ben copy: Woah!

Ben: What are you? Where did you come from?

Ben copy: What are you? Where did you come from?

Ben: Cut it out!

Ben copy: Cut it out!

Kevin: What do you mean "wait"? That thing's determined to wreck my ride!

Ben: He sort of already wrecked it.

Gwen: She's.

Ben: Are we doing this again?

Gwen: What are you gonna do with it?

Rhomboid: Why, auction it off to the highest bidder.

Octagon: Not that our business is any of your...business.

Rath: YOU WANNA FIGHT ME, KEVIN LEVIN?! [Throws Kevin at the wall] LET'S GO!!!

Gwen: Someone needs a time out! [puts a mana sphere over Rath's head]

Rath: [Tries to get the sphere off his head] TIME OUT?! IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO LEARN THAT NOBODY CAN BEAT ME AT-!!! Did I just use up all my air? [hangs his tongue out of his mouth and falls unconscious]

[Rath regains consciousness, Gwen and Kevin walk up to Rath]

Gwen: Ben, can you understand me?

Rath: 'Course I can, Gwen Tennyson!! You think I'm stupid?!!

Kevin: Yep, thick as a brick.

Rath: [stands up] YOU WANNA FIGHT?! YOU WANNA FIGHT?!! DAAAAAAAAGGGHHH!!! [attempts to attack, but cannot because Gwen has used her mana to restrain him]

Gwen: Not helping, Kevin. [turns back to Rath] Calm down, Ben! We need you to listen. You've become something called an Appoplexian. We looked it up in the ALDB.

Rath: Huh?

Gwen: Alien Life-form Data-Base.

Kevin: Appoplexians are powerful, argumentative and extremely aggressive. They believe any problem can be solved by hitting it.

Rath: Not true! Sometimes you have to hit things a LOT!

Kevin: It also says they're not too bright. [crosses his arms. Rath growls at him] Dude, did you just growl at me?

Gwen: OK, Ben, I'm going to let you go, but you have to stay calm. Control your anger. No stomping! [lets Rath go]

Kevin: Maybe you wanna reboot the Omnitrix and get back to normal?

Rath: OK, but not 'cause you told me to!

Kevin: Nope. It was your idea.

Rath: OK. Here we go. Changing back. [slaps the Omnitrix symbol, but doesn't change back and the Omnitrix symbol makes a 'powering down' noise] Wha'? It's busted! [whacks the Omnitrix symbol repeatedly, but still doesn't change back] Come... OFF ME! [starts to pull at the Omnitrix symbol, obviously generating a lot of pain]

Gwen: Stop! Ben!

Rath: [still yanking at the Omnitrix symbol, eventually flings himself onto the ground. Gwen, Kevin and the Tiffin go over. Rath sits up, suprising the others] Anybody hungry?!

Gwen: [about Argit] He's a conman, who would sell his own mother for lunch money.

Kevin: I happen to know he got top dollar for his mom.

Rath: [After Octagon blows up his plate of food] LEMME TELL YA SOMETHIN', OCTAGON VREEDLE!!!! YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR!!! A MAN'S FOOD IS HIS CASTLE!!!

Octagon: [confused] I believe what you've done there is mixing what-ya-might-call-it... methaphors!

Rath (to Vulkanus): C’mon, that’s a great deal! Considering every time we run up against you, WE KICK YOUR BUTT!!

Vulkanus: What... did you say?

Rath: I should have said SPANK your butt, since you’re just a little BABY IN THAT BIG, MECHANICAL SUIT!!!

Kevin: Er, Ben, I got this one.

Rath: I’m gonna call you BABYMAN, Babyman!

[Rath, Gwen, & Kevin bring the Tiffin to a large temple where a huge, red Jarret is sitting on a throne]

Jarret: I am Jarret, King of the Pantophage.

Rath: [snatches the Tiffin's egg from Kevin] Let's get it over with. We brought you the Tiffin!

Jarret: And, I thank you for your trouble. [He takes hold of the egg. The Tiffin squeaks sadly]

Rath: Sorry, little guy. [He lets go of the egg. Jarret places the Tiffin on top of a yellow cake]

Jarret: There. Isn't that... lovely? [Quickly picks up the Tiffin and eats him, then rubs his stomach] Ah...

[Rath, Gwen and Kevin stare in disbelief and shock. Kevin faints]

Rath: DID YOU JUST EAT THE BABY?!?!?!

Jarret: Ah, yes. I did.

Rath: I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA KEEP HIM!!! I THOUGHT IT WAS A PEACE OFFERING!!!!

Jarret: Yes, well, he was all at. Plus a rare delicacy. That's what a peace offering is, here on my planet.

Rath: Eating! BABIES! IS NOT! COOL!!!! [He jumps down Jarret's throat, wriggles around in his stomach, and bursts through Jarret's front teeth, holding the Tiffin. The Tiffin squeaks.] Yeah, I know. Same here.

Jarret: [feels the gap in his teeth with his tongue] How dare you! Certainly you realize that this means war!

Rath: [gives Kevin the Tiffin] Hold this. [He leaps onto Jarret's face] LEMME TELL YA SOMETHIN', JARRET OF PANTOPHAGE!!! I JUST JUMPED DOWN YOUR THROAT!!! YOU START A WAR WITH THE LUODANS AND I'LL DO IT AGAIN!!! ONLY NEXT TIME, I'LL KNIT YOUR INTESTINES INTO A SWEATER!!!!

[Rath turns back into Ben as Zaw-Veenul, Sicily, and the Tiffin leave]

Gwen: Ben, you're back!

Ben: Yeah! As soon as the Tiffin left, I went back to normal.

Gwen: That baby must have sent out some sort of interference that messed with the Omnitrix.

Kevin: Good guess.

Ben: You KNEW?!

Kevin: Well, I wasn't sure exactly, but...

Ben: [Angry] Kevin... Rath would like a word with you. [turns into Rath] LEMME TELL YA SOMETHIN', KEVIN E. LEVIN!

Kevin: [squeaks] Please don't.

Azmuth Rath: Let me tell you something, Vilgax, conqueror of ten worlds!! Azmuth will defeat you!! Azmuth will hunt you down even though you're standing right there!! You are no match for the awesomeness of Azmuth!!!

Ben: Azmuth!

Kevin: Quick! Chew through our chains!

Azmuth: I am not a rodent!

Kevin: Could-a fooled me...

Way Big: [grabs Vilgax's hand, whacking his face repeatedly with it] Stop punching yourself, stop punching yourself, stop punching yourself!

Kevin: Heh heh heh heh... Classic...

Gwen: I'll save you, Kevin! I promise.

Paradox: That's the sort of thing that got you in trouble in the first place.

Gwen: And Ben?

Paradox: He fought bravely, but eventually, they caught him too. Pity. After you died, he was the planet's last hope.

Gwen: No! Dead?! Me?!

Paradox: Yes! Dead! You! Why are we talking this way?

Kevin: [on the road, Kevin driving fast as usual, suddenly sees a truck in front of him and horns] C'mon, C'mon, move it! [sees that the truck does not move] Oh! Is that how it's gonna be! [Kevin's car forms missile launchers to blast the truck off]

Gwen: Kevin!

Kevin: What?

Gwen: Anger management! Appropriate response!

Kevin: Yeah, ok, no missiles. We're goin' off-road! [takes the shortcut and manages to overtake the truck]

Ben: [Gwen turns around as Ben coughs and then says in a weak voice while laying down on the backseat] I dont think I'm gonna make it...

Kevin: Hang in there, hero! We're almost there!

Gwen: Look! There it is!

Kevin: [reaches Mr.Smoothies] One mango blueberry with extra lemon stat.

Ben: [sits up and sneezes] ... Better make it a double.

Gwen: [Seeing that Ben is overacting, like he is going to die] Ok Ben, it's just a common cold.

Ben: There's nothing common about this cold, Gwen. It's epic. [blows his nose with his hand]

Gwen: [disgusted by Ben's act] You are completely disgusting Ben, use a tissue. [hands him a tissue]

Ben: I was gonna wipe my hand on my pants.

Gwen: I swear, Ben, you're gonna make all of us sick!

Kevin: [handing the prepared smoothie to Ben in the backseat] Here you go, Tennyson, the old Levin family cure.

Ben: Really? Smoothies?

Kevin: Nah, [pours a yellowish-brown color medicine in it] the smoothies's just so that you can gulp down the real cure. It's bitteroot.[as Ben takes a sip] They call it that because-

Ben: [makes a vomitting sound and his mouth get's stuck to the straw as he stops drinking]

Kevin: Anyway, its good for a cold. Drink up... [Ben mutters something which is not understandable] What?

Gwen: He says he can't, his lips are puckered shut.

Kevin: You can understand that? You should be a dentist!

Vilgax: It's going to be glorious, Albedo!

Albedo: Pardon me if I don't break into applause.

Vilgax: Of all the worlds I've conquered, this one will be the sweetest.

[Ben, Gwen, Grandpa Max and Kevin teleport onto the ship]

Grandpa Max: There's an old Earth expression about not counting your chickens before they're hatched.

Vilgax: The Tennyson family, and their pet juvenile delinquent.

Kevin: "Juvenile"? I'm gonna be eighteen a year from next Tuesday!

Gwen: Your birthday's next week and you didn't even tell me?

Kevin: It's no big deal.

Gwen: I don't have time to pick out a present!

Vilgax: I wouldn't worry about it, girl. None of you will live to see the day.

Ben: I think that's the longest I've been around you without hearing a death threat!

Vilgax: Fire's not so useful now that we're in my element!

Ben (as Ultimate Swampfire): A sinking ship is your element? That explains sooo much.

The Pacifier

Lulu Plummer: Do you know Kung Fu?

Shane Wolfe: Yes.

Lulu Plummer: Have you ever hit a guy so hard his head came off?

Shane Wolfe: No.

Lulu Plummer: Why are your boobs so big?

Shane Wolfe: [shocked] They are not... boobs.

Lulu Plummer: Do you have to wear a bra?

Shane Wolfe: What?

Lulu Plummer: Will mine be as big as yours one day?

Shane Wolfe: Isn't it about time you go nappy-poo in beddy-bye land?

Lulu Plummer: [glaring] Do I look like I'm five?

Shane Wolfe: What did I say?

Lulu Plummer: Disrespectful. And to think I was interested in you.

Shane Wolfe: [after Seth has gone to his room] Where's the older male? There were five.

Helga: [fearfully] He walks like Dracula, silent as the dead.

Zoe Plummer: [dryly] He's in his room.

Shane Wolfe: Mrs. Plummer, I will personally make sure your kids are... [Gary the Duck bites him in the ear] Oh, my God!

Julie Plummer: [puts Gary down] Sorry, that's Gary. He was Howard's.

Shane Wolfe: He bit me!

Julie Plummer: I know. He thinks he's a guard dog.

after Shane lets Zoe drive the family to school, Lulu tumbles out of the car

Lulu Plummer: [kissing the ground] Land! Solid land!

Lulu Plummer: [as her Firefly troops see Shane in nothing but a towel] I told you he had boobs.

Helga: [to Shane] Are you licensed to kill?

Shane Wolfe: ...No, why?

Helga: Too bad. It could have come in handy.

Firefly Scout: Den mother, you frighten me.

Shane Wolfe: Good.

after seeing Woody Woodchuck's kiddie restaurant]

Shane Wolfe: And they say war is hell.

Mr. Chun: [Seth sprays him in the face with a fire extinguisher] That stuff doesn't hurt. [Seth hits him in the face with the extinguisher]

Shane Wolfe: [to Zoe's boyfriend, Scott] Give me twenty!

[Scott pulls out his wallet]

Shane Wolfe: I mean push-ups!

Shane Wolfe: [garage door opens, and minivan is revealed] What is it?

Seth Plummer: [looks at him dryly] It's a minivan.

Shane Wolfe: We're going to do this my way, no highway option.

[When Lulu's tracker alarm beeps, Shane runs to her classroom, opens the door, and rolls in, ready for action - and sees the class staring at him, while Lulu is doing "show and tell."]

Lulu Plummer: See? But he usually breaks down the door.

[After Shane tells Zoe she’s driving to school that day]

Seth Plummer: We're all gonna die.

Julie Plummer: [after hitting Mrs. Chen and knocking her unconscious] She was never really a good neighbor.

Lulu Plummer: I can cross my eyes, wanna see?

Shane Wolfe: No!

Lulu Plummer: [crosses her eyes, then baby Tyler cries] He hates it when I do that.

Shane Wolfe: I know the feeling.

Lulu Plummer: [Upon arriving to party taking place at the house] Holy bologna, someone's gonna get busted~.

Shane Wolfe: Once upon a time, there was a family of elves and one day the little elf family went into the magic forest to look for a secret gnome facility. The gnomes were turning mushrooms into uranium, so three of the elves laid down heavy suppressive fire on the gnomes while the others manoeuvered around to the right flank, killing all those left alive.

[When Mr. Chun is distracted, the Plummer children escape the room, except Lulu]

Lulu Plummer: [strikes a karate pose... ] AY-YA!

Mr. Chun: [sneers] That's cute.

[... and kicks him in the crotch, before fleeing with the others]

Shane Wolfe: Think of it as a Bradley Assault Vehicle.

Seth Plummer: Yeah, especially with Zoe driving.

Shane Wolfe: They were after this.

[He loads the "GHOST" disc into laptop, the movie "Ghost" begins playing]

Lulu Plummer: They want our "Ghost" movie? Haven't they heard of Blockbuster?

Captain Ron

[as Ben moves Captain Ron's beer]

Captain Ron: Hey. Get your hands off that.

Benjamin Harvey: I was just moving it. I wasn't gonna drink it.

Captain Ron: You bet your little booty, you wasn't. You want a beer; you get your own beer.

Captain Ron: Alright, that's more like it, now you're talking! You can do it, mates! I've never seen such sailors! Not in all my born days, I ain't. Naturals! My God, everyone of you, naturals..! [waits for the Harveys to get upstairs and out of earshot] We're gonna fucking die.

Caroline Harvey: Captain Ron, I was wondering. Are we going to be going to any more "human" type places?

Captain Ron: Well, you heard of St. Croix?

Caroline Harvey: Yeah.

Captain Ron: We're going to the island just to the left of it.

Caroline Harvey: What's it called?

Captain Ron: Ted's.

Captain Ron: [to Ben] Hey swab. C'mere. Listen up. Now, the way it works shipboard is, you do your job. You do it good, you get a better job. Maybe you get promoted from swab to mate.

[Ben nods]

Captain Ron: Alright. Get on it. [to Martin] Sort've an incentive kind of a deal, huh?

Martin Harvey: Ah. Good.

Captain Ron: Yeah, incentives are important. I learned that in rehab.

Captain Ron: [after losing his glass eye] It never did fit anyway. Guess you gotta get 'em custom made.

[Lost in a heavy storm]

Captain Ron: The boss is right! We should be okay! 'Cause I know we're near land!

Martin Harvey: Great, Cap! Great! Ya hear that?! We're almost there! Explain to the kids how you know that, Captain Ron! Someone translate for General Armando!

Captain Ron: Alright, now stay with me: When we left, we had just enough fuel to make it to San Juan! And now... we are out of fuel!

Martin Harvey: Slow down! There're boats all over the place!

Captain Ron: Don't worry. They'll get out of the way. I learned that driving the Saratoga.

Captain Ron: Hey! Uh, leg feels a lot better now, boss. I always been a fast healer, you know. 'Course I believe in Jesus, so that helps.

Katherine Harvey: We'll be spontaneous when we have time.

Captain Ron: [telling how he lost his eye] Yeah, it happened when I went down off the coast of Australia.

Katherine Harvey: Your boat sank?

Captain Ron: No, no, no, no. Not my boat. My boss's boat. Yeah, we hit this reef. Huge son-of-a-bitch. Ran the whole coast.

Katherine Harvey: Wait. The Great Barrier Reef?

Captain Ron: You've heard of it, huh? Smart lady.

[Approaching Martin and Katherine in a holding cell on San Juan]

Bill Zachary: Mr. and Mrs. Harvey? I'm Bill Zachary from the U.S. State Department. I've got some good news for you.

Katherine Harvey: Oh. You found our children.

Bill Zachary: No. But you're not being charged with subversion.

Benjamin Harvey: [Overhearing his parents] Wow. We're getting a boat? Too cool.

Katherine Harvey: Ben, remember our discussion about eavesdropping?

Benjamin Harvey: Okay. But we're getting a boat?

Katherine Harvey: Your father and I have to talk about it.

Benjamin Harvey: Alright. We're getting a boat.

[being chased by pirates]

Benjamin Harvey: All right! They're pirates of the Caribbean, just you said Captain Ron.

Captain Ron: Yeah, squirt. Pirates are easy to deal with. It's the Cuban cops that you gotta worry about. Grand theft auto is a major biggie here in Cuba.

Martin Harvey: Grand theft auto? You stole this car?

Captain Ron: Nah, I didn't steal it, boss. I borrowed it. Sort of...

Martin Harvey: [Walks down to the Ship's Cabin] What's this?

Caroline Harvey: Monopoly.

Martin Harvey: No, this. [Holding a handgun]

Benjamin Harvey: Two .45's and a Mac-10.

Caroline Harvey: It's this total macho trip, Dad, just ignore it.

Martin Harvey: Where'd they come from?

Benjamin Harvey: Captain Ron traded the Guerrillas for 'em.

Captain Ron: Yeah, I thought we'd ought to have them, Boss. Cause, you know, we're gettin' into pirate waters, here, pretty quick.

Martin Harvey: What pirates?

Captain Ron: Pirates, of the Caribbean.

Martin Harvey: Been to Disney World, one too many times? Have we, Captain Ron?

Benjamin Harvey: It's true, Dad! They come up on you in high speed boats!

Captain Ron: You know, I don't believe I've been to Disney World... [Interrupted by Martin Harvey] I've been to DollyWood.

Supernatural

Dean: Driver picks the music; shotgun shuts his cake hole.

Sam: Jerk.

Dean: Bitch.

Sam: When I told Dad I was scared of the thing in my closet, he gave me a .45!

Dean: Well, what was he supposed to do?

Sam: I was nine years old! He was supposed to say "don't be afraid of the dark!"

Dean: Don't be afraid of the dark? What are you, kidding me? Of course you should be afraid of the dark. You know what's out there!

Dean: No chick-flick moments.

Dean: So, Roy, you said you've done a little hunting?

Roy: Yeah, more than a little.

Dean: Uh huh. What kind of furry critters do you hunt?

Roy: Mostly buck, sometimes bear.

Dean: Tell me, Bambi or Yogi ever hunt you back?

Dean: Alright, if you're gonna be talking now, this is a very important phrase, so I want you to repeat it back to me one more time.

Lucas Barr: Zeppelin rules!

Sam: People don't just disappear, Dean. Other people just stop looking for them.

Dean: So, crayons are more your thing. That's cool, chicks dig artists.

Dean: [in a new tux] Man. I look like one of the Blues Brothers!

Sam: No, you don't. You look more like a seventh grader at his first dance.

Sam: [in their seats on a plane. Dean is afraid of flying] You're humming Metallica?

Dean: It calms me down.

Sam: Just try to relax.

Dean: Just try to shut up!

Dean: That better be you, Sam, and not that freak of nature.

Dean: I think we're getting closer to its lair.

Sam: How can you tell?

Dean: Because there's another puke-inducing pile next to your face.

Dean: Hey. Remember when I said this wasn't our kind of problem? Definitely our kind of problem.

[Dean falls on top of Sam as they sneak through a half open window]

Dean: Oh, sorry!

Sam: OK, be quiet!

Dean: Me be quiet? You be quiet!

Sheriff: [disbelieving] And you saw him too, the man with the hook.

Dean: Yes, I told you, we all saw him. We fought him off, and then he ran.

Sheriff: And that's all.

Dean: Yeah, that's all!

[pause]

Sheriff: Listen, you and your brother...

Dean: [exasperated] Oh, don't worry, we're leavin' town.

Dean: Your, uh, half-caff double vanilla latte is getting cold over here, Francis.

Sam: Bite me.

Dean: Saved your ass! Talked the sheriff down to a fine, dude, I'm Matlock!

Sam: But how?

Dean: Told him you were a dumb-ass pledge and that we were hazing you.

Sam: What about the shotgun?

Dean: I said that you were hunting ghosts and the spirits were repelled by rock salt. You know, typical Hell Week prank.

Sam: And he believed you?

Dean: Well, you look like a dumb-ass pledge.

Dean: So you believe her.

Sam: I do.

Dean: Yea, I think she's hot too.

Cute librarian: Here you go. Arrest records, going back to 1851.

Dean: Thanks. [to Sam] So, this is how you spent four good years of your life, huh?

Sam: Welcome to higher education.

Dean: Man, you've been holding out on me. This college thing is awesome!

Sam: This wasn't really my experience.

Dean: Let me guess. Libraries, studying, straight A's? [Sam nods] What a geek.

Larry Pike: So you two are interested in Oasis Plains.

Dean: Yes sir!

Larry Pike: Let me just say, we accept homeowners of any race, religion, color, or... sexual orientation.

[Sam chuckles]

Dean: [quickly] We're brothers.

Sam: Our father is getting on in years, and we're just lookin' for a place for him.

Larry Pike: Great! Great, well, seniors are welcome too. Come on in.

[Sam and Dean are posing as potential homeowners]

Lynda Bloome: Well, let me just say that we accept homeowners of any race, religion, color or... [looks at Sam and Dean] …sexual orientation.

Dean: Hmm, right. [to Sam] I'm gonna go talk to Larry. Okay, honey? [slaps Sam on the ass]

Matt Pike: Sorry, I told the truth.

Dean: We had a plan, Matt. What happened to the plan?

Dean: We got a new gig, or what?

Sam: Maybe. Oasis Plains, Oklahoma. Not far from here. Gas company employee. Dustin Burwash, supposedly died from Creutzfeldt-Jakob.

Dean: Huh?

Sam: Human mad cow disease.

Dean: Mad cow. Wasn't that on Oprah?

Sam: [giving him a look] You watch Oprah?

Sam: [about Larry with his son] Remind you of somebody? [Dean looks at them, confused] Dad?

Dean: [surprised] Dad never treated us like that.

Sam: [laughs] Well Dad never treated you like that; you were perfect. He was all over my case. [Dean thinks about it, shakes his head] You don't remember.

Dean: Well, maybe he had to raise his voice, but sometimes you were out of line!

Sam: [sarcastic] Right, right, like when I said I'd rather play soccer than learn bow-hunting.

Dean: Bow-hunting's an important skill!

Sam: We're gonna squat in an empty house?

Dean: I wanna try the steam shower.

[Dean and Sam find an old Indian playing cards in a diner]

Sam: Joe White Tree? [he nods] We'd like to ask you a few questions, if that's all right.

Dean: We're students from the university.

Joe White Tree: No you're not. You're lying.

Dean: Um. Well, truth is...

Joe White Tree: You know who starts sentence with "truth is?" Liars.

[Dean looks at Sam]

Sam: Have you heard of Oasis Plains? It's a housing development, near the Otoka Valley.

Joe White Tree: [White Tree looks at Dean] I like him. He's not a liar.

Dean: Man. Work, work, work. No time to spend my money.

Dean: So what are you saying, that Dad was disappointed in you?

Sam: Was? Is. Always has been.

Dean: Why would you think that?

Sam: Because, I didn't want to bow-hunt. Or hustle pool. Because I wanted to go to school and live my life, which in our whacked-out family made me the freak.

Dean: Yeah you were kinda like the blonde chick in The Munsters!

Sam: So a bunch of skeletons in an unmarked grave...

Dean: Yeah. Maybe this is a haunting. Pissed-off spirits with some unfinished business?

Sam: Yeah maybe. The question is, why bugs? And why now?

Dean: Uh, that's two questions...

Missouri Mosely: Boy, you put your foot on my coffee table, I'm 'a whack you with a spoon!

Dean: I didn't do anything!

Missouri Mosely: Well you were thinkin' about it!

Missouri Mosely: [to Jenny] Don't you worry, Dean's gonna clean up this mess. [looks at Dean] Well what're you waitin' for, boy? Get the mop! [reading his mind] And don't cuss at me!

Missouri Mosely: Is that an EMF?

Dean: Yeah.

Missouri Mosely: Amateur!

Dean: Hey, I got a question for ya. You seen a lot of horror movies, yeah?

Katherine: Yeah, I guess so.

Dean: Do me a favor: next time you see one, pay attention. When someone says a place is haunted, don't go in.

Dean: The only thing that makes me more nervous than a pissed off spirit... is the pissed off spirit of a psycho killer.

Dean: You're not gonna try and kill me are you?

Sam: No.

Dean: Good, 'cuz that would be awkward.

Sam: [about the EMF] You gettin' any reading on that thing or not?

Dean: Nope. 'Course, doesn't mean nobody's home.

Sam: Spirits can appear at certain hours of the day.

Dean: Yeah, the freaks come out at night.

Katherine: So how do you guys know about all this ghost stuff?

Sam: It's kind of our job.

Katherine: Why would anyone want a job like that?

Sam: I had a crappy guidance counselor.

Katherine: Hey, Gavin.

Gavin: Yeah?

Katherine: If we make it out of here alive, we are so breaking up.

The Iron Giant

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[as the Giant flies toward the missile]

Hogarth: [in the Giant's mind] You are who you choose to be.

The Iron Giant: Superman.

Hogarth: [to the Giant, in battle mode] It's bad to kill. Guns kill. And you don't have to be a gun. You are what you choose to be. You choose. Choose.

Hogarth: I know you feel bad about the deer, but it's not your fault. Things die. That's part of life. It's bad to kill, but it's not bad to die.

The Iron Giant: You die?

Hogarth: Well, yes, someday.

The Iron Giant: I die?

Hogarth: I don't know. You're made of metal, but you have feelings, and you think about things, and that means you have a soul. And souls don't die.

The Iron Giant: Soul?

Hogarth: Mom says it's something inside of all good things, and that it goes on forever and ever.

[Hogarth leaves. The Iron Giant lays back to look at the stars]

The Iron Giant: Souls don't die.

The Iron Giant: [as a nuclear missile is headed for Rockwell] I fix.

Hogarth: Giant?

The Iron Giant: Hogarth. I go. You stay.

[lifts Hogarth's chin with a finger and waves his other finger at him]

The Iron Giant: No following.

Hogarth: I love you.

[the Giant takes off to intercept the rocket]

Annie: Would you say grace, please?

[Hogarth sees the Giant's hand in the kitchen]

Hogarth: OH MY GOD! Um, uh... oh, my God! We... thank you for the... er, food that mom has put in front of us and STOP! uh, the Devil... from doing bad things? And er, GET OUT OF HERE!... Uh, Satan? Go! Go so... that we may live in peace. Amen.

Annie: Amen. That was... hmm, really unusual, Hogarth.

Hogarth: Welcome to downtown Coolsville! Population: us.

Dean: I'm gonna have coffee. What do you want, some milk, or... what? Milk?

Hogarth: Coffee's fine. [Dean looks at Hogarth skeptically] Yeah, I drink it. I'm hip.

Dean: I dunno. This is espresso, you know? It's like Coffee-zilla.

Hogarth: I said I'm hip.

[a little while later]

Hogarth: [talking very fast, on caffeine] So she moved me up a grade 'cause I wasn't fitting in, so now I'm even more not fitting in. I was getting good grades, you know, like all A's. So my mom says, "You need stimulation," and I go, "No, I'm stimulated enough right now."

Dean: That's for sure.

Hogarth: So she says, "Uh-uh, You don't have a challenge, you need a challenge." So now I'm challenged, all right- I'm challenged to hold on to my lunch money because of all the big mooses who wanna pound me, 'cause they think I'm a shrimpy dork who thinks he's smarter than them! But I don't think I'm smarter, I just do the stupid homework! If everyone else JUST DID THE STUPID HOMEWORK, they could move up a grade and get pounded, too! Is there anymore coffee?

The Iron Giant: No Atomo... I Superman!

General Rogard: That missile is targeted to the giant's current position! WHERE'S THE GIANT, MANSLEY?

Kent Mansley: Oooh... We can duck and cover! There's a fallout shelter not far from...

General Rogard: There's no way to survive this thing, you idiot!

Kent Mansley: You mean we're all going to...

General Rogard: To die, Mansley. For our country.

Kent Mansley: Screw our country! I WANT TO LIVE!

Hogarth: Hey, mom! You won't believe our good luck. Guess what I found?

Annie: Hogarth, we've been through this before. No pets.

Hogarth: But he's not a pet, mom. He's a friend.

Annie: Hogarth, we've got to rent a room this year if we're gonna make ends meet, and no one wants to live in a place with shredded upholstery.

Hogarth: You'll never know he's there. I'll keep him in a cage...

Annie: ...until you feel sorry for him and set him free in the house. You remember the raccoon, Hogarth? [Shudders] Oooooh! I remember the raccoon.

Narrator: A peaceful, uneventful day in a town much like your own. Then suddenly, without warning... [Explosion] [echoing] Atomic holocaust!

Kent Mansley: The biggest thing in this town is probably the homecoming queen- OH MY GOD.

Hogarth: So we can't call Ripley's Believe it or Not, because... they wouldn't believe it.

Dean: Oh, hey, I know you. Squirrel boy.

Hogarth: Uh, Hogarth.

Dean: By night known as Hogarth.

Dean: Found your pet.

Hogarth: Where?

Dean: It's up my leg, man. Squirrel's in my pants, Hogarth, and it's climbing its way out of here.

Hogarth: Don't wig out.

Dean: Okay, it's heading north now. I'm sorry, kid. [to the people in the restaurant] Excuse me! I'd like to apologize to everyone in advance for this. [zips down his fly to let the squirrel out, which cause a loud commotion] Check, please.

Narrator: [singing a bomb drill ditty] Time to duck and cover, the bombs are comin' down. The radiation shower will pour throughout your town. Hands over your head; keep low to the ground. Time to duck and cover, the bombs are comin' down. Duck and cover. Duck and cover. Get under the desk with your sister and your brother. Duck and cover. Duck and cover. Hands over your head; keep low to the ground. And all the kids who don't will cease to be around.

Do You Have A Plan?

Every organization, regardless of size, needs a strategic plan. Most organizations, particularly larger ones, have them. Every person, regardless of his and her situation, needs a strategic plan. Unfortunately, most do not have them. The problem with most formal strategic plans is that they are often placed on a bookshelf where they only collect dust. They work beautifully until either a crisis occurs or an opportunity arises. Managers looking for short-term results tend to make short-term decisions.

Managers with long-term goals are able to adapt short-term "surprises" to the organization's strategic plans, merging the two together rather than destroying one for the other.

Many people may remember the Tylenol disaster when people died because a crazed individual filled Tylenol capsules with poison. The positive lesson with that tragedy was the way the company responded. They didn't deny, lie, or shift blame. They were honest with the public, recalled their product, and re-engineered its packaging. Most people thought the company would not survive. They did. They stuck to their business and their product and they did what was right. They believed that quality products and service would provide benefits. They adhered to their long-term strategy, while implementing necessary short-term adjustments. They were not wrong. Tylenol is still number one and as a bonus, tamper-proof packaging is now standard in the food and drug industry.

-Wisdom of Wolves, Leadership Lessons from Nature by Twyman Tower

To do list:

1. Wear shirt that says "life". Hand out lemons on street corner.

2. Hire two private investigators; get them to follow each other.

3. Go into a crowded elevator and say, "I bet you are all wondering why I gathered you here." with a straight face.

4. Make vanilla pudding. Put in mayo jar. Eat in public.

5. Become a teacher. Make a test in which every answer is "C". Enjoy the show.

6. Wait until someone is about to sneeze, right before they do, scream loudly "PIKA PIKAAA!"

7. Run into a store, ask what year it is. When someone answers, yell "It worked!" and run out cheering.

8. Buy a horse, name it "Oscar takes the lead," enter it in horse races.

9. Invite someone into your office, turn around in office chair and say "I've been expecting you."

10. Change name to Simon. Speak in third person.

11. Become a doctor. Change last name to Acula.

12. Buy a parrot. Teach it to say "Help! I've been turned into a parrot!"

13. Follow joggers in a car blasting "Eye of the Tiger" for encouragement.

My Reps:

Genesis:

Genesis is a shadow wolf from the Shadow Realm. She looks just like a normal black wolf with ice blue eyes, until she goes into her Shadow Form. In her Shadow Form, she grows to be bigger than Kodiak, has thirteen tails, wings, and pupil-less white eyes. She is from Mistika Insulo.

Quote: "I am not that intimidating! … Shut up!

Faang:

Faang is a plain black wolf with amber eyes. He has super sharp fangs, which he is named after. The bottom's of his upper fangs stick out just a little. He also has a bad temper, and a part of his ear is missing. Three parallel scars run down his right eye. He also wears a string around his neck with a fang, the pack's symbol. Though unlikely, he is best friend's with Navi. He also belongs to the Black Raul pack. His mother is Iris, his father is Ares, his brother is Jei, and his sister is Shade.

Quote: "Shut up, and leave me alone. I could care less about your problems."

Navi:

Navi is a beautiful white wolf with sky blue eyes. She has a necklace with a fang tied to it. She is practically flawless, except for the scar on the back of her right leg. She is very pleasant, but sarcastic. Her best friend is Faang, which is odd, because they are exact opposites. She belongs to the Black Raul pack. Navi is an only child, her mother and father are Banshee and Thunder.

Quote: "Don't mind Faang. He's a JERK! … You were supposed to hear that!!"

Bane:

Bane is a black wolf with a white ear, and her eyes are blue. She has a string around her right paw that has a fang on it, much like Faang's and Navi's. She is known as a troublemaker, with a sassy and sarcastic attitude. She is always up to mischief. She has two sisters: Lupin and Luperca. Her mother and father are Naga and Rhea.

Quote: "Wanna help me prank Mr. Gloom and Doom? …We won't get caught!"

Lupin:

Lupin is a grey wolf with a white underbelly, and blue eyes. Her fang, the pack symbol, is tied around her tail. She has a 'I could care less' attitude, and can be kind of a downer. She is also Bane's and Luperca's sister, which is kind of ironic. Although she is a loner, she dates one of her pack members named Jei. Her mother and father are Naga and Rhea, and her sisters are Bane and Luperca.

Quote: "So you were chased down by a cougar. Thanks for clogging my news feed with such pertinent information."

Luperca:

Luperca is a grey wolf, with a grey underbelly, much like Lupin's, but has amber eyes. Her fang is tied around her left, back leg. She is very jittery, and can't stay still for more than two minutes. Her sister's are the gloomy Lupin, and mischief Bane. Her mother and father are Naga and Rhea. She considers Navi her friend.

Quote: "Hi! What's your name? Wanna be my friend? … That's great! I can't wait to do a ton of stuff together, besty!"

Jei:

Jei is a dark grey wolf with amber eyes. He has his fang hung loosely on his neck. He has a happy attitude, but can be sarcastic. Many of the girl's of the pack have a crush on him, but he is dating Lupin. His brother is Faang, but his brother can't stand him with his 'lucky go happy' attitude. His mother and father are Ares and Isis, and his sister is Shade.

Quote: "Come on, Faang. Stop being such a downer, and ask Navi out. … Of course you like her!"

Isis:

Isis is a pure white wolf with blue eyes. A fang hung around her neck, but is accompanied by a few claws. She is Alpha Female. Her mate is Ares. She is very pleasant, and fair. All the females come to her for help. She is the mother of Shade, Jei, Faang. Jei is the oldest, Faang is the second, and Shade is third.

Quotes: "How did our children become so different, Ares? Did we do something wrong?"

Shade:

Shade is a pitch black wolf with amber eyes. She has her fang wrapped around her tail, just like Lupin. She is very mysterious, and full of mischief. She is the youngest of her and her brothers, Jei and Faang. Her mother and father are Isis and Ares. She likes to tease her brothers, and sneak around unnoticed.

Quote: "Hey look! It's my brothers, Mr. Gloomy, and Ladies Man!"

Ares:

Ares is a black wolf, with slightly graying fur with all his stress, and blue eyes. He has a fang dangling from his neck, with a few claws, like his wife, Isis. He has two sons, Jei and Faang, and a daughter, Shade. He is a fair and just ruler, very protective over his family, and is Shade's keeper, most of the time.

Quote: "That's good. Wait a minute, where's Shade? Oh no, she's over by Bane. I need to go get her before the pack goes up in flames!"

Banshee:

Banshee is a black wolf with amber eyes. She has her fang symbol on her ear, and is always wearing a cool smile. Her mate is Thunder, and her only daughter is Navi. Banshee is mysterious, but very open if you just ask. She loves her family dearly, and wished she had more children, but is unable.

Quote: "What do you mean I'm not open? All you have to do is ask, darling!"

Thunder:

Thunder is a light gray wolf with blue eyes. His pack symbol is hung loosely around his neck, and always has a toothy smile on his face. His beloved Banshee is his mate, and Navi is his only daughter. He's always cracking jokes and a fair going person.

Quote: "Did you know your mother is one of the misleading persons I know?"

Asteria:

Asteria is a white wolf with a black paw, and amber eyes. Her fang symbol is strapped around her front right leg. She is very kind and caring. Her mate is Hunter, and she has two kids. Her son is Shadow, and her daughter is Astraeus. She's always looking out for other wolves.

Quote: "Are you OK? That was quite some fall! … I don't care if it was only two feet, you could've gotten hurt!"

Hunter:

Hunter is a grey wolf with blue eyes. His fang symbol is hung around his neck, and he wears an easy going smile all the time. As said, he is laid back and goes with the flow. His mate is Asteria, his son is Shadow, and his daughter is Astraeus.

Quote: "Will you chill? She only fell off the two foot high cliff!"

Shadow:

Shadow is a dark grey wolf, almost black, with amber eyes. He has symbol hung from his neck, and wears a mischief smile. His mother and father are Asteria and Hunter, and his younger sister is Astraeus. He is practically always in a prank war with Bane, and is protective of his sister.

Quote: "This is going to be the best prank ever! Hey, get away from my sister or I'll send you to the next world!"

Astraeus:

Astraeus is a light grey wolf, almost white, with blue eyes. Her necklace is hung around her tail. She is always happy, and humble. Her mother and father are Asteria and Hunter, and her brother is Shadow. She loves her brother, but is a little annoyed by his protectiveness.

Quote: "Shadow, I will be just fine on my own. … Don't you give me that look!"

Naga:

Naga is a dark grey wolf with amber eyes. His pack symbol is hung from his neck. Naga is very protective over his family. His mate is Rhea, and his three daughters are Bane, Lupin, and Luperca. He loves them all, and is very cautious about boys.

Quote: "Hey, why's he next to Luperca? Why's he talking to Luperca? IS HE FLIRTING WITH HER!?

Rhea:

Rhea is a grey wolf with blue eyes. Her pack symbol is around her tail. She likes to take things easy, but is protective of her family. Her mate is Naga, and her three daughters are Bane, Lupin, and Luperca. Even though she is protective, she encourages the girls to date, to her mate's dismay.

Quote: "Naga! That is enough! Luperca is just fine with the other boys of the pack!"

Uni:

Uni is my stuffed, white unicorn I've had since I was six. She is happy, pleasant, and oblivious to most things. She has no family, except me. When she went missing one time (for like a year), she was devastated. She is from Mistika Insulo.

Quote: "YEAH, YOU'RE BACK!!!!!!!"

Mr. Chippers:

Mr. Chipper's is an insane squirrel. He's always moving and shouting random things. Faang has tried to kill him multiple times. We have no idea who his family is, but we have a theory that they abandoned him for obvious reasons.

Quote: "I believe I can fly!"

Kadzait:

Kadzait is a guy with black hair, and black eyes. He wears a red shirt, black jeans, combat boots, a necklace with a square pendant, black wolf tail, black wolf ears, and a black trench coat. He's mean, hot, and totally fun to mess with!

Quote: "Kodi, WHY DID YOU PAIR ME WITH CHIPPERS!!!!!?"

Me(!)(Kodi):

I have white hair, and green eyes. I have a black half-halter top with red outlines, blue, baggy capris, black combat boots, a white wolf tail, and white wolf ears. I will trust everyone unless you're from the White Conan pack. I'm also from an island in the middle of the Bermuda Triangle called Mistika Insulo.

Quote: "I get it! I totally do! My middle name is Neve! I wanted it to be Whisper! I mean, come on! What is Neve!"

KADZAIT AND KODIAK ADVENTURES!!

Kadzait's Middle Name

Kodiak: *Laughing* Wait! Kad, wait! Come on, I don't mean it!

Kadzait: I told you, and then you laughed in my face!

Kodiak: It's not my fault! It's funny!

Kadzait: How is my middle name funny?!

Kodiak: It's ASHLEY!! That's a girl's name!

Kadzait: It can be a guy's name, too!

Kodiak: Ok, ok, I'm sorry…

Kadzait: Thank you!

Kodiak: …that your mom gave you a horrible middle name.

Kadzait: *Throws hands up in the air* For the love of!!! *Walks away*

Kodiak: *Stumbles after him* Kad, wait! I can't help that you have a horrible name! I totally get it! My middle name is Neve! I wanted it to be Whisper! I mean, come on! What is a Neve!?

Distrust: Part 1: The Pairing and Rules

Kodiak: Alright troops! We're going to learn to trust our family members better! Do you hear me?!

All: YES MA'AM!

Kodiak: *Grabs clipboard* Alright, the pairs are-

Genesis: Hey, why aren't you doing this?

Kodiak: Because, my dear Shadow Wolf, I trust everybody.

Bane: Even the White Conan pack?

Kodiak: Do not bring those monsters up!

Bane: *Backs away* Ok, ok, geez.

Kodiak: *Clears throat* Alright-y then, the first pair is Bane and Jei.

Lupin: Oh my gosh…

Bane*Laughs evilly*

Jei: *Gulps nervously*

Kodiak: The next pair is Luperca and Shade.

Luperca: *Hides behind Naga in fear*

Shade: *Looks at Luperca evilly, much like Bane*

Kodiak: Pair #3 is Faang and Thunder.

Faang: *Looks at Thunder blankly*

Thunder: *Gives Faang the evil eye*

(Thunder is Navi's father. Remember that?)

Kodiak: Ares and Banshee are #4.

Banshee: *Looks at Ares coolly*

Ares: *Looks at Banshee uneasily*

Kodiak: Then we have Shadow and Lupin.

Lupin: *Looks to the sky* Let this be some sick joke.

Shadow: *Laughs evilly* Even I couldn't think of something this genius!

Kodiak: *In announcer voice* Pair #6 is… Navi and Isis!

Navi: *Looks at Isis with an uneasy smile*

Isis: *Looks at Navi blankly*

Kodiak: *Quickly* Pair #7 is Mr. Chipper's and Kadzait.

Kadzait: WHY DID YOU PAIR ME WITH CHIPPER'S!!!!?

Mr. Chippers: Friend! *Hugs Kadzait's head with insane eyes*

Kadzait: *Eye stars twitching* Kodi… I'm going to-

Kodiak: Pair #8 is Genesis, Uni, and Hunter!

Uni, Genesis and Hunter: *Look at each other blankly*

Kodiak: That leaves Asteria and Astraeus. Wow, this is awkward.

Asteria: *Looks at Astraeus sheepishly*

Astraeus: *Looks at Asteria in shock*

Kodiak: *Still looking at clipboard, and ignoring everyone's angered look, continues directing* Ok, so, everyone has their pair. There're nine different rooms with the numbers 13, 666, -13, -666, 39, 93, 33, 31, and 0. I'll tell you each of your numbers in a minute. *Starts writing on clipboard*

(I'm obsessed with the numbers 3, 9, 0, and 1. I also like negative numbers!)

Kadzait: *Grabs Mr. Chipper's and chucks him somewhere, giving a satisfactory smile at hearing a crash, turns to Kodiak confused* Why didn't you use the numbers 1-9?

Kodiak: *Stops writing* That probably would've been easier… Oh well, they're already numbered so we're going to use them. Anyway, Bane and Jei, you guys have Room 31. Luperca and Shade, you have Room 0. Faang and Thunder, you have Room -13. Ares and Banshee have Room 33. The peeps with Room 93 are Shadow and Lupin. Isis and Navi are in Room 666. Mr. Chippers and Kadzait are in Room 13-

Kadzait: No wonder I'm so frikkin unlucky.

Mr. Chippers: Frikkin! *Laughs*

Kodiak: Kad, what did I say about saying those kinds of words in front of Mr. Chippers?

Kadzait: *Mumbles* Not too.

Kodiak: *Nods* Exactly, now you're going to teach Mr. Chippers a better word in Room 13.

Kadzait: *Sighs and walks into Room 13 with Mr. Chippers behind him, laughing*

Kodiak: Going on. Uni, Hunter, Genesis, you're in Room 39. Asteria and Astraeus, you guys are left with Room -666.

Everyone goes to their respected rooms, and waits.*

T.V. monitors pop out of the wall, a desk appears out of the ground, a shadow minion comes in pushing a chair, and a microphone appears on the desk. The shadow minion pushes the chair to Kodiak*

Kodiak: *Sits in chair, and is pushed to the desk* Thanks Bob. You can go now.

Bob leaves*

Kodiak: *Picks up the microphone* Alright guys, here are the rules. 1: No killing each other. Kadzait, that means you.

Kadzait: *Rolls eyes*

Kodiak: Two: No physical fighting. Verbally, though, is another story. Go ahead. Yell, scream, do whatever. The rooms are soundproof so other people won't hear, but NO cussing. Kadzait, that means you.

Kadzait: *Throws hands in air*

Kodiak: Three: No breaking stuff. I did steal these things, you know. Kadzait, that means you.

Kadzait: *Looks around with a look saying 'Why you signaling me out?'*

Kodiak: Four: Do not criticize me. You're under video surveillance at all times. Kadzait, that means you.

Kadzait: *Bangs head on table between him and Mr. Chippers.*

Kodiak: Five: Don't try to break out. This is good for the soul. Kadzait, that means you.

Kadzait: *Looks at roof* I'm going to break that rule. *Gets up to leave*

Kodiak: *Presses button on the desk that magically appeared*

Kadzait: *An iron slab fell down in front of his escape. He stares at it blankly.* Ok, WHY YOU SINGALING ME OUT!?! SERIOUSLY!?! What did I ever do to you!?

Kodiak: Thirteenth birthday party at my castle.

Everybody: *Grimaces*

Kadzait: *Scoffs* It was not that bad.

Kodiak: I had to re-do the entire ballroom, and your rampage broke my black and white diamond chandelier that's fifty feet up in the air!

Kadzait: Hey, I did not break that! Mr. Chippers did!

Kodiak: You threw him at it!

Kadzait: I did not!

Kodiak: You screamed 'Die Mr. Chippers, die! Die by the chandelier!'

Kadzait: *Starts going 'pssh' and things like that, then sits down defeated* Fine.

Kodiak: Good.

Mr. Chippers: Frikkin!

Kodiak: You may begin talking to your partner about why you don't trust them that much, and what you can do to make it better.

Everyone: *Starts talking to partner*

Kodiak: Bob, bring me my blanket, pillow, some popcorn, and some Coke. Not in a can though!

Bob: *Brings stuff*

Kodiak: *Hands him something, and puts her feet on the table* Keep the change.

Bob: *Looks at the useless money in his hands*

Distrust: Part 2: Bane and Jei

Bane: *Stares at Jei evilly*

Jei: *Stares at Bane uneasily*

Bane: So, you don't trust me, huh?

Jei: Not really, no.

Bane: Least you're honest about it.

Jei: Excuse me?

Bane: No one really trusts me. After they hang out with me they usually check to see if I planted a bomb on them.

Jei: You don't like that, do you? You want attention!

Bane: Course I want attention! Who doesn't?

Jei: I don't.

Bane: Weirdo.

Jei: Wha-?! I thought you didn't like it when people expected to find a bomb on them!

Bane: Wha-?! Are you serious? I love it! What's wrong with you! Wouldn't you like it if people feared you?

Jei: No.

Bane: Oh! Well… I like it. The people I don't like avoid me! It's a win-win!

Jei: Who don't you like?

Bane: You, for one, Shadow, Shade, etc, etc. Everyone pretty much.

Jei: *Stares blankly* Seriously?

Bane: Yep!

Jei: I don't think this is going to help trust people better.

Bane: Neither do I!

(Outside)

Kodiak: They're probably right, now that I think of it…

(Inside)

Jei: So… What should we do to… trust each other?

Bane: *Sticks out paw* Touch me and don't act like I'm rabid.

Jei: *Looks at her uneasily, but touches her paw*

Bane: Trust established. Can we leave now?

Kodiak (Over intercom): No.

Jei and Bane: Awwww!

Bane: So… you wanna prank Mrs. Doom and Gloom later? You know, the Alpha's daughter?

Distrust: Part 3: Luperca and Shade

Luperca: *Looks anywhere but at Shade*

Shade: *Stares at Luperca with an evil smile*

Luperca: So… Why don't you trust me? I thought everyone trusted me!

Shade: Are you kidding me? If I was hanging off a cliff and yelling 'help', you'd chase a butterfly.

Luperca: *Scoffs* I would not!

Shade: *Points to something on the wall*

Luperca: *Turns* Ooo! Butterfly!*Stares at it intently*

Shade: My point. Butterfly Freak, we're in the middle of something!

Luperca: *Goes back to seat smiling sheepishly* Oh right…

Shade: *Shakes head*

Luperca: So, how can I get you to trust me?

Shade: *Smiles evilly* I want you to smack the butterfly.

Luperca: *Gasps* I can't do that!

Shade: Alright, fine. If you don't want my trust, that's ok…

Luperca: Oh, but I want it!

Shade: Then smack the butterfly.

Luperca: *Gulps, and taps the butterfly* Done!

Shade: That was not a smack.

Luperca: It was too!

(Outside)

Kodiak: *Stuffs popcorn in her mouth, eyes staring intently at the screen*

(Inside)

Shade: You tapped the butterfly. I want you to smack it.

Luperca: But he's so pretty!

Shade: Smack it.

Luperca: *Closes eyes, and smacks the butterfly.*

Butterfly: *Plummets to the ground. Coughs, then stops breathing.*

(Outside)

Kodiak: *Popcorn drops out of her hands* THEY BROKE RULE NUMBER ONE!!!!

(Inside)

Luperca: *Screams in terror* NO! Mr. Butterfly! Wake up! Wake up! *Starts sobbing*

Shade: *Leans back in seat satisfied* My work here is done.

Kodiak (Over intercom): YOU GUYS BROKE RULE NUMBER ONE!!!

Distrust: Part 4: Faang and Thunder

Faang and Thunder: *Stare at each other*

Faang: Do I even have to ask?

Thunder: I don't like you dating my daughter.

Faang: I'm not-

Thunder: Don't even try to deny it. She comes home all the time talking about you and your violent tendencies.

Faang: Violent tendencies!

Kodiak (Over intercom): You get used to it.

Thunder: *Ignores Kodiak* If you dare hurt my daughter, I will hunt you down and gut you like my dinner.

Faang: *Eye starts twitching* You can’t be serious.

(Outside)

Kodiak: *Laughs* Faang's in deep water now. *Stuffs popcorn in her mouth* Bob, bring me two more cups of melted butter!

(Inside)

Thunder: I am serious. If you dare hurt my daughter, physically or mentally, it will be the end of you.

Faang: We're just friends!

(Outside)

Kodiak: *Laughs again* Denial… He's totally in it. Ooo! Thanks Bob!

(Inside)

Thunder: *Stares at Faang in shock* You are?

Faang: *Eye still twitching, nods*

Thunder: Oh… This is awkward.

Kodiak (Over intercom): Faang's in denial. Don't believe a word he says.

Thunder: *Glares*

Faang: *Eye still twitching* You're seriously going to believe the girl who LOCKED US IN HERE!!!

Thunder: *Turns thoughtful* Well…

Faang: She invited Mr. Chippers to her party. I think she's insane.

(Outside)

Kodiak: *Laughs, once again* You have no idea. Wait a minute, did they just break rule four! I'm watching a ton of rule breakers!

(Inside)

Thunder: You have a point.

Kodiak (Over intercom): STOP BREAKING RULE NUMBER FOUR!!!

Thunder and Faang: *Stare at the speaker*

Faang: Truce?

Thunder: Truce.

Distrust: Part 5: Ares and Banshee

Ares and Banshee: *Stare at each other*

Banshee: So, the big bad Alpha doesn't trust one of their pack members? This is sad.

Ares: *Narrows eyes* Why should I trust you? You're so… dark and mysterious!

Banshee: *Smiles coolly* If you want to know about me, just ask.

Ares: *Is shocked* That's it. All I have to do is ask?

Banshee: *Nods* Just ask.

Ares: Huh… didn't think of that.

Banshee: Well, now you do. What do you want to know?

(Outside)

Kodiak: *Stares in disbelief* That's it! No rule breaking! That was such a waste of my time!

Distrust: Part 6: Shadow and Lupin

Lupin: Let's cut to the chase. I don't like you. You don't like me. Let's just shake paws, and call a truce.

Shadow: Where's the fun in that? *Tilts head in innocence*

Lupin: *Glares* I don't want to be in here. You're too much like my sister, Bane. Now, call a truce before I MAKE YOU!!!

Shadow: *Shrinks in his seat, and shakes paws*

Lupin: *Smiles evilly* That's better.

(Outside)

Kodiak: Dang it! They didn't break a frikkin rule!

Distrust: Part 7: Isis and Navi

Navi: *Draws circles on the table* Ummm… So, why am I with you?

Isis: Because you're dating my son.

(Outside)

Kodiak: Ooo, here we go again. *Laughs insanely, spins around in her chair, and throws popcorn in the air*

(Inside)

Navi: I am not dating Faang! We're just friends!

Isis: Like you expect me to believe that! He talks about you all the time!

Navi: *Blushes*We aren't dating. We're just good friends.

Kodiak (Over intercom): *Sings* My dear Navi is in a state of denial! Just like her boyfriend Faang!

Navi: *Mouth drops open*

Isis: *Gives a look that says 'told ya so'*

Navi: WE ARE NOT DATING!!!!

(China)

Navi: WE ARE NOT DATING!!!

(An earthquake starts)

Some random person: It's the end of the world! The gods are angry! Ahhhh!

(Back in the room)

Navi: *Eye starts twitching*

Isis: *Stares at Navi in fear* Alright, alright, you're not dating. I trust you.

Navi: *Eye continues to twitch*

Distrust: Part 8: Mr. Chippers and Kadzait

(Mr. Chippers is tied to his seat.)

Mr. Chippers: *Laughs in his insane way*

Kadzait: *Gives Mr. Chippers a murderous look*

Mr. Chippers: Frikkin!

Kadzait: I wanna kill you.

Mr. Chippers: I'm so cuddly! I like you!

Kadzait: *Stares at speaker* Did you show him that movie!

Kodiak (Over intercom): Yes, yes I did.

Kadzait: Kodi…

Kodiak: *Mimicking* Kad…

Kadzait: Kodi!

Kodiak: Kad!

Mr. Chippers: Mr. Chippers!

Kadzait: *Stares at him weirdly*

Kodiak: *Laughs* I'm going to ignore you now.

Kadzait: No! Don't leave me alone with him!

(Outside)

Kodiak: *Laughs, popcorn spills all around her*

(Inside)

Kadzait: I hate you, Kodiak NeveWolfsbane!

Kodiak: Love you too, Kadzait Ashley Gozat!

Kadzait: Wha-?!

Mr. Chippers: *Points at Kadzait* Ashley! *Laughs*

Kadzait: Kodi, when I get out of here, I'm going to frikkin kill you.

Mr. Chippers: Frikkin!

Kodiak: Teach Mr. Chippers a new word, NOW!!

Kadzait: Fine, fine… Frubber.

Mr. Chippers: *Sings* Frubber, frubber, frubber, frubber!!

Kadzait: Kodiak, please, let me out! This is torture!

(Outside)

Kodiak: *Laughs* And then he wonders why I put him in there! *Throws more popcorn like confetti*

(Inside)

Kadzait: Kodi, please!! Please!! I'm begging you!

Mr. Chippers: I am a frubber! I am a frubber! Frubber, frubber, frubber, frubber!

Kadzait: *Starts beating on the door* KODI!!!

(Outside)

Kodiak: *Continues to laugh, then chokes. Grabs the Coke and drinks.* Ahhhh, good stuff.Totally better than Pepsi.

(Inside)

Kadzait: SOMEBODY HELP!!! THIS IS A CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT!!!

(Outside)

Kodiak: *Back in feet on table position.* Boo! Stop being a wimp! *Throws popcorn at the T.V. laughing*

Distrust: Part 9: Uni, Genesis and Hunter

Uni, Genesis, and Hunter: *Stare at each other*

Hunter: How come I was paired up with you guys? I trust you.

Uni: I trust you too.

Genesis: Same here.

Kodiak (On intercom): Yeah, you guys just trust everyone.

Hunter: Then why are we here?

Kodiak: I don't know. I don't care.

Uni: Seriously, Kodi?

(Silence greets them.)

Genesis: Kodiak?

(Outside)

Kodiak: Boo! That was so lame! They didn't even fight!! Gah! *Throws popcorn at Bob, who just walked in* Get me more popcorn, Bob!

Bob: *Bob walks away to get more popcorn*

Bob: *Comes back with popcorn*

Kodiak: *Takes a sip of her Coke, then spits it in Bob's face* Get me more Coke, this stuff is flat!

Distrust: Part 10: Asteria and Astraeus

Asteria and Astraeus: *Sit in uncomfortable silence*

Astraeus: Do you trust me, mom?

Asteria: Of course, dear. Why do you ask?

Astraeus: *Gives a 'seriously' look* We're in a room where we're supposed to learn to trust our partner.

Asteria: *Looks sheepish* Oh, yes, I forgot.

Astraeus: *Continues to stare with the 'serious' look* Alright, spill. Why don't you trust me?

Asteria: I trust you, dear!

Astraeus: Mom!

Asteria: Alright, fine, fine. I just don't want you to make a mistake you might regret.

Astraeus: What brought that up?!

Asteria: The short time you dated that boy from the White Conan pack.

(Outside)

Kodiak: *Throws popcorn behind her* WHAT!?!?!

(Inside)

Astraeus: Mom, we dated for a week. Let it go.

Asteria: Dear, I just don't want you to do something like that again. You cried for a week.

Astraeus: *Blushes* I did not!

Asteria: Yes you did.

Astraeus: Yeah, well, he was really nice and stuff. I've gotten over him.

Asteria: I know. I just don't want to see you hurt again.

Astraeus: I don't need protection.

Asteria: I know. You're strong. I just want you to know I'm here for you.

Astraeus: Thanks Mom.

(Outside)

(Kodiak is wrapped up in a blanket, used tissues are around you, thrown popcorn is all around her, she's eating more popcorn, too.)

Kodiak: *Blows nose again, and stuffs more popcorn in her mouth as she cries* It's so beautiful! *Starts to blubber, eat popcorn, use more tissues, throw them around her, and have Bob pick them up*

Distrust: Part 11: The End

Everyone came out of their room to find Kodiak standing there. No desk, T.V.'s popcorn, soda, or Bob is seen, just Kodiak and her clipboard*

Kodiak: Alright, guys you did great! I think we got our trust re-established.

Kadzait: I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!!!

Kodiak runs from Kadzait screaming*

Lupin: Who wants to go eat?

Everyone: Me! Sure! Why not? Ok.

Distrust: Part 12: Apparently Not The End

Kodiak: *Stares at Kadzait*

Kadzait: *Stares at Kodiak murderously*

Kodiak: I still don't see the problem.

Kadzait: You paired me with MR. CHIPPERS!! SO MANY THINGS ARE WRONG WITH THAT!!

Kodiak: Like…?

Kadzait: Everything!!!

Kodiak: Dude, you're overacting, and I can list the reasons why I paired you with Mr. Chippers.

Kadzait: Great! Cause I'd love to hear them!

Kodiak: *Sighs* Well, for one, you chucked him at my chandelier.

Kadzait: Yeah, yeah. Whatever…

Kodiak: While I was pairing you guys, you chucked him into the wall.

Kadzait: No I didn't!

Kodiak: Yes, you did. You also, on a really bad day, kicked him off the side of a cliff and into the sea because he told you, you were in a bad mood.

Kadzait: *Silence*

Kodiak: Then there was the time you beat the crap out of him with a mallet.

Kadzait: *Shrinks in seat*

Kodiak: You also screamed profanities at him on karaoke night.

Kadzait: He was singing Roar by Katy Perry!

Kodiak: Still shouted profanities.

Kadzait: *Grumbles*

Kodiak: Then there was the time you decided to play football with him. Twice.

Kadzait: He was a horrible quarter back.

Kodiak: What do you have to say about the first game?

Kadzait: He was a horrible football…

Kodiak: *Nods* Then there the time you used him as a-

Kadzait: Don't you dare finish that sentence.

Kodiak: *Hands up in surrender pose, and shakes head* So, do you see my point?

Kadzait: No.

Kodiak: Oh for the love of-! You used him as a-

(Outside)

Everyone from the Black Raul pack, and a few minions: *Eyes wide in shock*

Genesis: *Head falls to the floor*

Bane: *Starts laughing* I would have loved to see that! *Continues to laugh*

Navi: I don't see how that's funny!

Shadow: *Starts to join Bane*

Hunter: Shadow, don't you start!

Shadow: Dad! It's hilarious! *Continues laughing*

Astraeus: You guys are disgusting.

Shade: It is kind of funny.

Isis: I will not have you saying such things.

Shade: *Shrugs*

Kodiak and Kadzait (On screen): *Continue to bicker*

Faang: How are they still friends?

Uni: I have no clue.

Is silence for a long time*

Rhea: Well, today was interesting.

Ares: It certainly was.

Jei: Should we let them out now?

Everyone: *Stares at Kodiak's and Kadzait's bickering* No. *Start to walk away*

Bob: *Points to the screen rapidly*

Lupin: Ah, we'll get them later.

Luperca: Totally!

Thunder: So… What should we do now?

Banshee: *Shrugs* I don't know.

Bane: Who wants to play Truth or Dare?

Jei, Faang, Shade, Lupin, Luperca, Navi, Shadow, and Astraeus: Sure.

Asteria: While you kid's play that, us adults will be doing other things.

Shadow: And that would be?

Rhea: Nothing…

Rebo: Part 1: Meeting

Kadzait and Kodiak were walking around the castle grounds (Kodiak's castle is underground, huge, black, midnight blue, and white, and has a ton of guards there) when a girl wearing a pink dress, magneta pink jeans, a pink hair-band and pink flip-flops with short, brown hair, and brown eyes with a gigantic smile on her face came up to them. She also has red panda ears and a tail.*

Kodiak: Rebo!

Rebo: Kodi!

Kodiak and Rebo: *Hug each other*

Kadzait: *Pulls Kodiak away* Who is this?

Rebo: Kadzait!

Kadzait: Who are you and what do you want?!

Kodiak: *Smacks him* Back off Kadzait, this is Rebo! She's my best friend from MistikaInsulo!

Kadzait: You… were friends… with this girl.

Kodiak: *Nods*

Kadzait: Who are you and what have you done with Kodiak?!

Kodiak: *Smacks him really hard* Dude!!

Kadzait: *Rubs the place she smacked him with a pained look* OW!! What the heck! Yep, you're Kodi.

Kodiak: Yeah, genius!

Rebo: He's smart? That's amazing! Why didn't you tell me about that in your letters? I mean, you even said he was cute, but not a genius! What's up with that?

Kodiak: *Blushes a deep red*

Kadzait: *Stares at Kodiak shocked*

Kodiak: *Looks at her bare wrist* Wow, look at the time. Rebo, I'll show you to a room. Come on! *Drags Rebo away*

Kadzait: *Continues to stare after them*

Rebo: Part 2: Craziness

Kodiak: *Leads Rebo over to the Black Raul pack*These are my friends. That Genesis, you met her at the castle, Faang, Navi's boyfriend-

Faang: Say what?!

Kodiak: Faang is the son of Isis and Ares. His sister is Shade, and his brother is Jei. Over there is Navi, Faang's girlfriend-

Navi: We're not dating!

Kodiak: *Whispers* They're in denial. She's also the only daughter of Banshee and Thunder.

Rebo: *Snickers*

Kodiak: That's Bane. She's Lupin and Luperca's sister, and the daughter of Naga and Rhea. She's also partially insane.

Bane: WHAT!?!

Rebo: I'm partially insane!

Kodiak: A lot of us are, Rebo. Going on, over there is Lupin, Bane and Luperca's sister. Don't hang out with her too much, or she'll put depressing thoughts in your head.

Lupin: *Angry* Thanks!

Rebo: Aye, aye captain! I'll be sure to stay clear of her! *Salutes*

Kodiak: *Returns salute* That's good, soldier! Anyways, Luperca, over there, is Bane and Lupin's sister. She reminds me of Pinky Pie from that show you watch.

Rebo: I love Pinky Pie!

Luperca: Who's Pinkie Pie?

Kodiak: No one, Luperca. Hey Rebo, over there is Jei, brother of Faang and Shade, son of Ares and Isis, and Lupin'sboyfriend!

Rebo: *Gasps* I thought for sure that he would date someone happier!And prettier.

Lupin: *Absolutely seething* I can hear you!!

Jei: *Looks petrified*

Kodiak: Going on, Isis is over there. Mother or Jei, Faang, and Shade, and dear mate of Ares. She's very intimidating.

Isis: Excuse me?

Rebo: It's like her eyes are boring into my soul!

Isis: Excuse me?!

Kodiak: The next wolf of the Black Raul pack is- *Drum roll from somewhere unknown* -Shade!!

Shade: Oh great…

Kodiak: She's the daughter of blah blah, and sister of so and so. Fun fact about Shade-

Shade: Please be correct.

Kodiak: Shade loves to scare people. So, stay clear of her too.

Rebo: *Salutes* Aye, aye captain!

Shade: Hmm, one less weirdo not bothering me. Awesome.

Kodiak: And over there is Shade's father; Ares. He's the big bad boss, so don't mess with him.

Ares: *Rolls eyes*

Rebo: *Salutes* Aye, aye captain!

Kodiak: You can stop that now.

Rebo: *Salutes* Aye, aye captain!

Kodiak: *Shakes head but continues* Over there is Banshee, Navi's mother. She seems creepy, but is actually very nice.

Banshee: Thank you Kodiak!

Kodiak: Anytime Banshee!

Rebo: *Salutes* Aye, aye captain!

Kodiak: *Stares for a moment, then continues* Over there is Thunder, Navi's father. He's liked by many.

Thunder: Thank you Kodi!

Kodiak: Anytime, Thunder!

Rebo: *Salutes* Aye, aye captain!

Kodiak: Dude, seriously, stop!!

Rebo: *Salutes* Aye, aye captain!

Kodiak: *Mumbles* Dang, she got crazier since I left. Anyway, over there is Asteria, mother of Shadow and Astraeus, and mate of Hunter. Fun fact: For awhile she didn't trust her daughter.

Rebo: *Gasps*

Asteria: I had a very viable reason, Kodiak!

Kodiak: You keep telling yourself that-

Rebo: *Salutes* Aye, aye captain!

Kodiak: Wasn't talking to you!

Rebo: *Salutes* Aye, aye captain!

Kodiak: *Rubs face then continues* Asteria's mate, Hunter, is over there. He's very trusting, which isn't completely good.

Hunter: What do you mean that's not good?

Rebo: *Makes a clicking sound and shakes her head*

Kodiak: *Ignores Hunter* Over there is Hunter and Asteria's son, Shadow. Unlike Hunter, you should not trust him what's-so-ever.

Rebo: *Salutes* Aye, aye captain!

Kodiak: *Sighs* And that wolf, over there, is Astraeus. Guess who she's the daughter of?

Rebo: You!

Astraeus: *Faints*

Kodiak: WHAT!!?! No, she's the daughter of Asteria and Hunter!

Rebo: Oh. Ok then!

Kodiak: *Still looks mortified* Luperca, Bane, and Lupin's dad, Naga, is over there. He does not like boys-

Rebo: I don't like boys either!

Kodiak: *Makes a big sigh* And, last but not least of the Black Raul pack, the three girl's mother, Rhea, is over there. She likes boys-

Rebo: Then we have nothing in common.

Kodiak: *Throws hands up in the air and mumbles* I give up. *Sighs* You remember Uni right?

Rebo: *Nods and salutes* Aye, aye captain!

Kodiak: *Silently cries for a second before going back to normal* And Mr. Chippers is over there.

Mr. Chippers: *Laughs insanely*

Rebo: *Is heart-eyed, and zips over to Mr. Chippers* Hi.

Mr. Chippers: Hi! *Laughs*

Kodiak: *Narrows eyes* Is that froth coming out of his mouth? No wait, that's just whipped cream.

Kadzait: *Comes out of a hidden door in a rock wall thirty feet away, which leads down to his underground mansion. He is texting, and is about to step on the grass*

Rebo: *Jumps the whole thirty feet and tackles him, pinning him down*

Kadzait: *Screams* Kodi! Please, get your friend off of me!

Kodiak: Rebo!

Rebo: You almost stepped on the grass! If you ever think about stepping, or even plucking one single, blade of grass, I will-

Kodiak: Rebo, get off of Kadzait! NOW!!

Rebo: *Makes the universal sign of 'I'm watching you' and gets off*

Kodiak: *Walks up, avoiding the grass, and grabs Rebo* Let's go have a 'girl talk' now.

Rebo: *Smiles like before* OK!

Kodiak and Rebo: *Walk away*

Kadzait: *Watches them walk away with an open mouth*

Rebo: Part 3: More Craziness

Kadzait: *Half heartedly waves to the family walking away from the house he let them into*

Kodiak: *Waves fast to the family with a bright smile*

Rebo: *Stands up from the barrel she was hiding in, the top is balanced on her head, and waves with a giant smile*

Kadzait: *Turns around, screams, and runs away*

Kodiak: *Sees Rebo, and screams too* Rebo, you have to stop doing that! It freaks people out!

Rebo: *Continues to smile and wave* I know.

Kadzait: *Still running, he kicks Mr. Chipper's out of the way*

Mr. Chippers: *Doesn't move, which is unusual*

Rebo: *Gasps* MR. CHIPPERS!! *Runs to him and picks him up*

Mr. Chippers: *Wakes up and laughs insanely*

Rebo: You're alive!

Classical music starts playing from somewhere unknown*

Rebo and Mr. Chippers: *Start dancing the waltz*

Kodiak: *Is mildly disturbed by the dancing, and looks around* Where is that horrid music coming from? *Looks at the house.*

The broken light bulb above her suddenly came on.*

Kodiak: *Takes a sledge hammer and destroys the house, looking for the source of the music*

Kid on a ledge: *Mouth opens, and ice cream from ice cream cone falls off*

Kodiak: *Looks at the shambles of what once was a house* Maybe that wasn't such a great idea…

Rebo and Mr. Chippers: *Are now in an evening gown, and tux (Rebo is not the one wearing the evening gown, and Mr. Chippers is not the one wearing the tux.) continue to dance*

Kodiak: Where the heck is that horrid music!?!

Rebo: It's over there, darling.

Kodiak: What'd you call me? *Looks at a tree-branch where a boom-box is hanging* Oh…

The family from earlier: *Come back, and mouths drop open in shock at, once was, a house*

Kodiak: Uhhh, did you feel that earthquake?

The family: *Shakes their heads*

Kodiak: Well… there was one, and it destroyed the house…

The father: *Eye twitches*

Kodiak: Uhhh… I've got to go now. *Runs away, dragging a still dancing Mr. Chippers and Rebo*

Rebo: Part 4: Craziness (Thankfully) at Its End

Everyone from the Black Raul Pack, Uni, Mr. Chippers, Kodiak, Kadzait, and Genesis: *Waves as Rebo leaves, some in sadness, others with joy*

Kodiak: Bye Rebo! Come back soon! *Hugs Rebo, who is crying*

Rebo: I'll miss you Kodi! *Blows into a tissue, and moves onto Kadzait*

Kadzait: She's lying. She never wants to see you again.

Kodiak: *Smacks Kadzait, hard* He's the one lying.

Rebo: *Gets in Kadzait's personal space* If I find out you plucked, or even stepped, in grass, I will-

Kodiak: *Smiles worriedly* Alright, move on to the next person.

Rebo: *Says good-bye to everyone in her own way, Mr. Chippers is last. She hugs him very hard* I'll miss you so much Mr. Chippers! *Continues to cry*

Kodiak: *Pries Mr. Chippers away from Rebo* Bye, Rebo!

Rebo: Bye Kodi! *Skips away*

Kadzait: *Raises an eyebrow* She is one weird chick.

Kodiak: Though I love her, no kidding.

Kadzait: *Looks at Kodiak out of the corner of his eye.* So, do you really think I'm cute?

Kodiak: *Blushes crimson red*

All the girls: Ooo, Kodiak and Kadzait, sitting in a tree-

Kodiak: That's enough. Oh, look, a shrub, let's go check it out Kadzait! *Drags Kadzait away*

Everyone: *Snickers*

Aye, Aye Captain: Part 1: How It All Began

Jei, Fang, Shade, Navi, Lupin, Luperca, Bane, Shadow, Astraeus, Kadzait, Kodiak, Uni, and Genesis were all sitting in a circle*

Kodiak: So…

Kadzait: Anybody got any ideas?

Everyone: *Thinks*

Genesis: Man, why is it so hard to think of something more fun than wolf golf?

Kadzait: Because we aren't allowed to use Mr. Chippers as the golf ball.

Everyone: *Sighs sadly*

Navi: That was so much fun.

Bane: *Light bulb turns on* I've got it!

Everyone: *Excitedly* What? What? What?

Bane: *Smiles evilly*

Everyone: *Looks at her nervously*

Bane: I dare Kadzait to do everything and anything with Kodi for the rest of the day!

Kadzait: What?! Are you serious?!

Kodiak: Eh, it's not that bad.

Kadzait: I don't want to do everything a girl does!

Kodiak: *Raises eyebrow* I'm not right in the head, I have little to no makeup, I have the same stupid clothes in my closet, there are no malls around here, and the UPS guy came to take Mr. Chippers in his box to visit Rebo.

Kadzait: Why'd you ship him?

Kodiak: Well, we couldn't put him on an airplane, now could we?

Pause*

Kadzait: Ok, what the heck?

Everyone: *Cheers*

Shadow: One more think you have to do!

Kadzait and Kodiak: *Looks nervously* What?

Shadow: Kadzait has to call Kodiak 'Captain', and Kodiak has to call Kadzait 'Solider'.

Kadzait and Kodiak: *Shrugs* Ok.

Shade: You also have to kiss each other at the end.

Kadzait and Kodiak: *Shrugs* Ok- WAIT WHAT!?!

Uni: HA! You guys have to do it! You said OK!

Kadzait: We didn't hear you correctly!

Genesis: Sorry, guys. You have to do it.

Kadzait: *Eye starts twitching* I'm going to-

Kodiak: Kadzait, just let it go. *Whispers* Who knows, maybe they'll forget.

Kadzait: *Whispers* Highly doubt it, but ok.

Kodiak: Alright guys, see you later.

Kadzait: Bye.

Everyone: Bye!

Luperca: Ah, they're so made for each other!

Kadzait and Kodiak: WE HEARD THAT!!!

Aye, Aye Captain: Part 2: Sport Bike Mishap

Kodiak and Kadzait were riding down a riding trail on their sport bikes. Kodiak's is white with dark blue wheels. Kadzait's is black with red wheels.*

Kodiak: Woo-hoo!!

Kadzait: We should've down this earlier and not taken the dare, right Captain?!

Kodiak: That's right, Soldier!

Kadzait: Are we seriously doing the dare, Captain!?

Kodiak: Yes, Soldier, yes we are!

Kadzait: Why?

Kodiak: I don't even know!

Kadzait and Kodiak: *Ride in silence for awhile*

Kodiak: Soldier!

Kadzait: Yes, Captain!

Kodiak: Turn right now! *Turns right onto a different path*

Kadzait: *Jerks his wheel to the right and rides into a tree*

Kodiak: You alright, Soldier?...

Kadzait: *Weakly* Aye, aye Captain…

Aye, Aye Captain: Part 3: Campfire

Kodiak and Kadzait: *Put marshmallows on a stick and put them over a bonfire with Kadzait's nose in a bandage*

Kadzait: Captain?

Kodiak: Yes soldier?

Kadzait: Why are we doing this in the middle of the day?

Kodiak: I have no idea, but count this as lunch.

Kadzait: Ok.

Kodiak and Kadzait: *Sit in silence, roasting marshmallows*

Kadzait: *Kicks his feet up on the rocks keeping the fire from spreading, and looks at Kodiak* Why didn't we invite the others, Captain?

Kodiak: Because they'll go on and on about the dare, and Shade, Shadow, and Bane won't stop teasing us aboutthe oncoming kiss I hope they forget about.

Kadzait: Good point. *Pants catch on fire without him knowing* Is it hot out here?

Kodiak: *Points at pants*

Kadzait: *Looks down. Screams.Gets up. Runs around like a maniac*

Kodiak: *Calmly* Stop, drop, and roll, soldier. Stop, drop, and roll.

Kadzait: *Starts rolling on the ground, still screaming*

Aye, Aye Captain: Part 4: The Park

Kodiak and Kadzait: *Swings on the swing they were on at the park. Kadzait's jeans are singed and now are up to his knees. His legs have a ton of gauze and ice on them.*

Kadzait: This is nice. There's no possible way to get hurt here.

Kodiak: You betcha, soldier. You betcha.

Kadzait: You know, except for the fact that my legs feel like they're still on fire, and my nose feels like I ran into another tree, this is pain free.

Kodiak: Yeah… Sorry for the unexpected turn…

Kadzait: It's ok.

Kodiak: And the fact that I gave advice just a little late…

Kadzait: It's fine.

Kadzait and Kodiak: *Swing peacefully, and start to get higher*

Mr. Chippers: I'M BACK!! DID YA MISS ME?!?!?

Kadzait: *Screams and falls off swing that's really high*

Kodiak: *Stops her swing* You ok, soldier?

Kadzait: Call… the healer… again… Captain…

Kodiak: Ok, soldier… *Walks away, still looking at her friend*

Mr. Chippers: THIS IS GREAT!!! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!! *Jumps on Kadzait's back*

Kadzait: *Screams into the ground in pain*

Aye, Aye Captain: Part 5: The Pool

Kodiak and Kadzait are sitting by her private pool. Kodiak is in a black and white bikini, and Kadzait is in his black trunks, his nose bandage, his ice and gauze, and now has gauze around his chest*

Kodiak: Sorry 'bout Mr. Chippers, soldier… Probably should've told you he was coming back today.

Kadzait: That would've been nice, Captain.

Kodiak: Yeah… *Kicks her feet in the water nervously*

Kadzait: *Joins her.*

Kodiak and Kadzait: *Start splashing each other*

Mr. Chippers: FUN!!!! *Starts jumping off many things, jumping off Kadzait's back, and pushing him painfully into the pool.*

Kadzait: *Screams as he falls, and then a giant splash*

Kodiak: *Puts hand over her mouth*

Kadzait: *Floats to the top, gurgling water in his mouth*

Kodiak: *Pokes him with her toe* Kad… You alive, soldier?

Kadzait: Healer… Captain… Get the healer…

Kodiak: Ok, I'll also get someone to pull you out of the pool…

Kadzait: That would be nice, Captain. That would be nice.

Kodiak: Don't go anywhere, Kad. Just stay there, soldier.

Kadzait: I don't think I could move if I tried, Captain.

Kodiak: Just don't drown. *Gets up to find the respected people*

Mr. Chippers: *Starts jumping on Kadzait again, laughing*

Kadzait: *Starts drowning*

Aye, Aye Captain: Part 6: The Pool

Kodiak and Kadzait: *Walk to the meeting place where they would meet up with the other wolfs. Kadzait's now wearing a back cast*

Genesis: What happened to you, Kad?!

Kadzait: Tree… Fire… Fell… Water…

Kodiak: What he's trying to say is that he ran into a tree on his sport bike, he caught on fire, was scared off his swing, and Mr. Chippers tried to drown him…

Everyone: *Mouths drop open*

Kadzait: It was a painful day…

Navi: No kidding…

Kodiak: Yeah… *Pats Kadzait gently on the shoulder*

Shade: So… did you kiss yet?

Kodiak and Kadzait: No.

Everyone: *Grins widely* Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

Kadzait: Don't you see I'm in pain?

Astraeus: If Kodiak kisses you, you'll feel better!

Everyone else: *Agrees*

Kadzait: *Was about to abject*

Kodiak: We aren't going to win this fight. *Grabs Kadzait by the skirt and gives him a ten second kiss, then pushes him away*

Kadzait: *Stands in disbelief*

Everyone: *Mouths drop open again*

Shadow: *Faints*

Kadzait: *Falls back* (Upon impact) Ow…

Kodiak: *Stares at him in shock* Kad… You ok?

Kadzait: You know who to get…

Healer: Already on it, Mr. Gozat. I'm already on it.

Kodiak: *Kneels down and pats his head* I'll see you tomorrow.

Kadzait: Ok…

At Wolfesbane Castle…

Kodiak: I KISSED KADZAIT!!!

Genesis's Den…

Genesis: *To the other girls of the Black Raul pack* What'd I say girls?

Potion Craziness Ensured: Part 1: The Reverse Potion

Kodiak: *Mixes a mixture in a flask, and dumps it in a beaker* There. The Reverse Potion is done. Now, I just need to take it to Mr. Chippers and tell him it's his favorite drink. Now, I'm going to go get myself a drink. Coke sounds good. Bob!! *Gets up to find Bob, and leaves the potion alone*

Kadzait: Kodi! Hey, Kodi! Where are ya? *Walks into Kodiak's Potion Room*

Potion: *Sits there, looking like Root Beer*

Kadzait: *Spots the potion* I am kinda thirsty… *Walks over and drinks it* Why does she have Root Bear in a beaker? *Shrugs and walks away*

Kodiak: *Walks back into the potion room* Hey Bob, tell me when Kadzait gets here! He wanted to hang out today! *Sees the empty beaker* Where did the potion go!?!

Bob: *Runs in and speaks in Esperanto really fast*

Kodiak: *Looks dreaded* Please be a lie. Please be a lie. Please be a lie. *Walks out of the room*

Kadzait: *Jumps around room much like Mr. Chippers, shouts things much like Mr. Chippers, and laughs much like Mr. Chippers*

Kodiak: Ah man…

Kadzait: Hi Kodi! Hi-ya! Hi-ya! Hi-ya!

Kodiak: *Smiles sweetly* Hey Kad, can you come here for a sec?

Kadzait: Sure thing Kodi-Kins!

Kodiak: *In-between teeth and her smile* Oh my gosh, that's a horrible name.

Kadzait: *Lands in front of Kodiak* What do ya need, my best-est friend!

Kodiak: *Grabs his face and kisses him*

Kadzait: *Is stunned for a sec, before fainting*

Kodiak: *To Bob* I can't believe that worked.

Later…

Kadzait: *Wakes up strapped to a metal table and sees Kodiak* Hey Kodi-Kins! Let me go and we can have so much fun!

Kodiak: *Stirs something in a flask* Is that the word you use to describe it? *Continues to stir the mixture*

Kadzait: Yeah, we can go bike riding, and volcano jumping, and-

Kodiak: That sounds nice and all, but I'm working.

Kadzait: Please, oh please, oh please, oh PLEASE!

Kodiak: No.

Kadzait: You're so mean!

Kodiak: Uh-huh. *Pours mixture into a beaker, and walks over to Kadzait* Drink it.

Kadzait: What is it, Kodi-Kins?

Kodiak: It's Root Beer.

Kadzait Ah, but I don't like Root Beer!

Kodiak: Just kidding, it's a… Coconut-Pineapple-Apple-Orange-Berry-Peanut-Broccoli-Almond-Bean Smoothie with extra peanut.

Kadzait: That sounds delicious!

Kodiak: *Smiles smugly* Here's a straw.

Kadzait: *Drinks the potion, and falls asleep*

Kodiak: Hmm, wonder why he didn't do that last time…

Kadzait: *Jerks awake* Do what? *Looks down* Kodi, why am I strapped to a table?

Kodiak: You don't remember?

Kadzait: Remember what?

Kodiak: Nothing, nothing at all…

Potion Craziness Ensured: Part 2: The Opera Singing Potion

Kodiak: *Pops a cork on a flask* And now I just ship it off. *Looks at clock* I'll send it tomorrow. *Leaves Potion Room with flask in hand, and leaves it in the kitchen on accident*

Kadzait: *Walks into the kitchen* Hey Bob, seen Kodi?

Bob: *Shakes head*

Kadzait: Alright then. Hey, what's this? *Points to potion*

Bob: *Shrugs*

Kadzait: *Stares for a minute, before shrugging, and drinking the potion* Hmm, tastes like Cherry Coke.

Bob: *Walks away*

Kadzait: (In an opera singing voice) Hey Bob, where you going? *Clamps a hand over his mouth*

Bob: *Stares at him*

Kadzait: (Still in an opera voice) Ah, freak.

Kodiak: *Walks in and sees the empty flask* You drank it, didn't you?

Kadzait: *Nods*

Kodiak: *Sighs* Come on. *Drags Kadzait away to her potion room and makes him sit in a chair, pulls out the empty flask* Hmm, there's still a few drops left. I can analyze it, and make a reverse potion.

Kadzait: (Opera voice) Thanks.

Kodiak: *Stares at him* At least I know it works. *Turns around and goes to work*

Later…

Kodiak: *Hands Kadzait a flask* Drink.

Kadzait: *Drinks the contents* (In a normal voice) Why does it taste like- Hey my voice is back!

Kodiak: Yes, yes you do. NEVER DRINK AN UNKNOWN LIQUID AGAIN!!!

Kadzait: *Nods head in fear*

Kodiak: *Smiles* Alright, let's go riding.

Kodiak and Kadzait: *Leave the room*

Potion Craziness Ensured: Part 3: Uni's Potion

Kodiak and Kadzait are wearing their PJ's here. This consists of a black tank top and white short shorts for Kodiak, and black sweats for Kadzait. Just sweats.*

Kodiak: *Sleeps soundly till a knocking at the window wakes her up. She gets up and opens her window tiredly* (Whiney) What?? Who woke me up at an un-godly hour in the morning?

Kadzait: It's Kadzait.

Kodiak: Kad, you better have a good reason for waking me up because if you don't I swear I'll pummel you.

Kadzait: Just look at me and all will be made clear.

Kodiak: *Looks at him and bursts out laughing*

Kadzait: It's not that funny.

Kodiak: You're right. It's hilarious!

Kadzait: No, it's not.

Kodiak: You have PINK PEGASUS WINGS and a UNICORN HORN. This is hilarious.

Kadzait: Whatever.

Kodiak: *Continues to giggle* How did you even get those? Did you drink ANOTHER one of my potions?

Kadzait: *Grumbles* Yes.

Kodiak: *Continues to laugh*Alright, just let yourself in and go to my potion room. I'll make something there.

Kadzait: *Walks off grumbling*

Later…

Kodiak: And there you go. The wings and horn are gone.

Kadzait: Thank you. Why do you have that anyway?

Kodiak: It was for Uni. She wanted wings.

Kadzait: And the horn?

Kodiak: It was supposed to make her horn sparkle, but without a horn it gave you one.

Kadzait: Alright-y then, I'm going home now. *Leaves room but peaks his head in* We speak about this to no one, got it!?!

Kodiak: Fine, I won't say anything.

Kadzait: Good! *Leaves*

Kodiak: I won’t speak it, but doesn't mean I won't text it… *Gets out phone*

Potion Craziness Ensured: Part 4: The Nightmare Potion

Kodiak and Kadzait are in their PJ's here too. *

Kadzait: *Bursts into her Kodiak's room* Kodi!! We have a serious problem!!

Kodiak: *Pulls the sheets over her head.* Kad, whatever it is. I don't want to hear it at 2:30 in the morning! Now, go away!

Kadzait: *Shakes Kodiak relentlessly* Kodi! Mr. Chippers now has a fighter plane with a gun that shoots acorn bullets!!!

Kodiak: *Peaks head out of the sheets* Kad, you're hallucinating.

Kadzait: I am not! He bought it this afternoon!!!

Kodiak: They don't make squirrel sized fighter planes! But they do make squirrel sized tanks. I will never understand that.

Kadzait: It was a PLANE!! He tried to shoot me!

Kodiak: Kad, have you been drinking?!

Kadzait: The last thing I drank was that weird tasting soda you made!

Kodiak: What weird tasting- Wait, did you get it from the dining room?

Kadzait: Yes!

Kodiak: *Groans* Not again…

Kadzait: What do you mean-

Kodiak: You drank another potion. This one is specifically made to make you see your worst fears. I was going to use it on Bane.

Kadzait: Why?

Kodiak: The girl said 'Let's go bungee jumping!' and then she pushed me off the bridge and to the water below.

Kadzait: Ooo, that's gotta hurt.

Kodiak: It did. I couldn't believe- Wait a minute, let's get back to the topic that made you WAKE ME UP AT 2:30 IN THE MORNING!!

Kadzait: Oh… yeah.

Kodiak: *Rolls her eyes before getting up* You can hang out in the game room. This is going to take a while, and with you waking me up this early, I'm not exactly going to be nice.

Kadzait: Ok…

Later…

Kodiak: *Stirs another mixture, mumbling curses under her breath*

Kadzait: *Bursts into the room* Kodi, she found me!! Rebo found me!! *Latches onto to Kodiak's back, crying*

Kodiak: *Let's out a long sigh* Rebo is not here. *Goes back to stirring*

Kadzait: But I saw her on the back of Mr. Chippers' fighter plane!

Kodiak: *Rubs temples* Kad, it was another figment of your imagination, a side effect to the Nightmare Potion.

Kadzait: Oh… *Gets off of Kodiak*

Kodiak: Not to be mean or anything, but leave if you value your life.

Kadzait: *Runs out of the room*

Later Again…

Kodiak: *Pours a liquid into a beaker, still mumbling profanities*

Kadzait: *Bursts into the room again* KODI!! REBO AND MR.CHIPPERS HAVE AN ARMY OF SQUIRRELS ON FIGHTER PLANES!!!

Kodiak: *Face-palms* Ok, what is it with him and Rebo, Mr. Chippers, and fighter planes with guns for acorn bullets?

Kadzait: Kodi! Now is not the time to play with dangerous chemicals!!

Kodiak: These 'dangerous chemicals' are going to save my sanity, and your life.

Kadzait: Kodiak, stop playing games with me!! *Shakes Kodiak roughly*

Kodiak: Kad, if you keep doing that you will not see the dawn's light again, got that!

Kadzait: *Stops shaking her* Shouldn't we be discussing how to take down Rebo and Mr. Chippers' army!!

Kodiak: This is another hallucination, Kad! *Smacks his head really hard*

Kadzait: Oh… it is?

Kodiak: Yes! Now, leave or face my wrath.

Kadzait: *Runs away in fright*

Later Again, Again…

Kodiak: Just about finished, and… Finished! Now I just have to give it to-

Kadzait: WHY!?!?!?

Kodiak: And thatis easier said than done… *Walks away with a sigh, and finds Kadzait crying an ocean in her game room. She rubs her temple* Kad, this better be good.

Kadzait: Why, Kodi, why?! Am I not good enough for you!?

Kodiak: *Raises an eyebrow* Excuse me?

Kadzait: Why'd you reject me?! *Continues to blubber*

Kodiak: Alright, alright! What the heck are you talking about? Finish to end!

Kadzait: Some time ago, I asked you on a date, you said you'd think about, and you've now rejected me!!!

Kodiak: *Stares at him blankly* Drink this. *Holds out potion*

Kadzait: Why?!?

Kodiak: Just drink it.

Kadzait: *Drinks the potion* Why'd you want me to drink it?

Kodiak: Because you never asked me on a date, and I never rejected you. It was another figment.

Kadzait: Oh…

Kodiak: Yeah, oh! You're wailing could've woken people on Mars!! Wait a minute, one of your fears is me rejecting you?

Kadzait: *Blushes* Uh… It's early… And… we're tired… My mind must have thought of something stupid…

Kodiak: Sure…

Kadzait: I'm gonna… go home now.

Kodiak: Ok. Night Kad.

Kadzait: Night Kodi.

Kodiak and Kadzait: *Go home/to room*

Kodiak: *Shuts her door* Wonder if he was lying…

Potion Craziness Ensured: Part 5: Pixie Dust

Kadzait: *Bangs on Kodiak's window at 1:30 in the morning*

Window: *Flies open*

Kodiak: WHAT?!? *Sees Kadzait and starts laughing*

Kadzait: Yeah, yeah, it's funny! Please make a reverse!

Kodiak: What? Don't like being a small pixie dressed in pink with blonde hair?

Kadzait: FIX IT!!!!

Kodiak: Fine, fine. Come with me.

Later…

Kodiak: I'm done.

Kadzait: Great! Let me have some!

Kodiak: Here you go. *Puts a spoon full of sugary looking stuff on the table*

Kadzait: *Takes a small handful and stuffs it in his mouth, and he pops back to being the Kadzait we all know and love, wearing his PJ's* Dang, Kodi. Why do you lay your magical things around?

Kodiak: *Crosses her arms and gives a 'seriously' look* This is MY castle. Why are YOU touching my magical things?

Kadzait: I thought that stuff was the sugar from Pixie Stick's!

Kodiak: It was Pixie DUST!! Turns you into a pixie!

Kadzait: Figured as much!

Kodiak: *Glares* Go home before I blast you to Kingdom Come.

Kadzait: *Is home in five seconds*

Potion Craziness Ensured: Part 6: The Love Potion

Kodiak: Bob, have you seen Kad? He said he would be over today.

Genesis: *Bursts through the door* Kodi, come quick! Something's wrong with Kad!

Kodiak: Ah, freak. What'd he drink this time? *Follows Genesis and sees Kadzait*

Kadzait: *Kisses a tree and hugs it*What was that Mr. Oak? I love you too!

(All the wolves of the Black Raul pack, and Uni are watching.Some laughing, some in shock.)

Jei: *Sees Kodiak* Kodi! What the heck is wrong with Kad!

Bane: *Is laughing very hard* Yeah seriously! This is hilarious! *Continues to laugh*

Kodiak: Ah man! He drank my Love Potion! It's not like others though. I still have to work out a few kinks, which result in this…

Kadzait: Mrs. Birch Tree, I would be happy to hug you! *Hugs another tree*

Kodiak: *Sighs* I'll take care of it. *Walks over, grabs Kadzait, and starts to drag him back to her castle*

Kadzait: NO! I have to express my love to Little Sapling Tree!

Kodiak: *Lets out another long sigh*

Later…

Kodiak: *Starts to finish up the potion*

Kadzait: *Expresses his love to various objects* I love you too, Flask!!

Kodiak: *Rubs her temples* Kad, please stop.

Kadzait: No Kodiak! I must-

Kodiak: Express your love. Yeah, yeah, I know!

Kadzait: *Nods and goes back to telling things he loves them*

Kodiak: Finished, finally! Hey Kad, this potion wants you to express your love by drinking this!

Kadzait: Alright-y! *Drinks the potion* And now I must express my love to you, Kodiak Neve Wolfe! *Kisses Kodiak, right on the lips. Pulls away in shock at his actions* I just did that didn't I?

Kodiak: *Nods in shock* Yep.

Kadzait: Well… This is awkward.

Kodiak: Uh-huh.

Silence*

Kodiak and Kadzait: *Think: Maybe that potion wasn't so bad.*

Potion Craziness Ensured: Part 7: The Cat Potion

Kodiak: Kad! Where, oh, where could you be? *Continues to look for Kadzait in her massive garden.*

Kadzait: *Jumps from the bushes on all fours* Meow! *Licks his hand*

Kodiak: *Looks at him* Aw no.

Bob: *Comes running up, waving his arms wildly*

Kodiak: I know, Bob. I found him before you found me.

Kodiak and Bob: *Look at Kadzait, who's acting like a cat*

Kodiak: *Sighs* I'll go find a reverse for The Cat potion. Come on, kitty, kitty! *Walks away*

Kadzait: *Follows Kodiak*

Later…

Kodiak: *Pours the mixture into a bowl, and sets in on the ground*

Kadzait: *Starts drinking it like a cat, then sits there looking at her*

A minute later*

Kadzait: *Looks around confused* Why am I here?! We were out in the garden when I- Never mind…

Kodiak: Uh-huh.

Potion Craziness: Part 8: The Kid Potion

There're wearing their PJ's here*

Kadzait: KODI!!!!

Kodiak: *Puts a pillow over her head* (Whines) Why me?

Kadzait: *Bursts through the door* KODI!!!

Kodiak: Kad, unless they started making squirrel sized fighter planes, I don't wanna hear it till morning, a REASONABLE time in the morning.

Kadzait: This is WORSE than squirrel sized fighter planes.

Kodiak: *Sits up* What can be- *Sees Kadzait* Aw, you're so cute!

Kadzait: I am not!!!

Kodiak: You look like you're five years old! You are cute!

Kadzait: I am not!

Kodiak: *Gets up and pinches his cheeks* Yes, you are! Yes, you are!

Kadzait: I'm not a dog!

Kodiak: You're cuter than a dog.

Kadzait: Kodi, please help me!

Kodiak: Alright, kiddo. *Picks him up*

Kadzait: Hey! Put me down! I'm older than you!

Kodiak: By three months.

Kadzait: Still older!

Later…

Kadzait: Thank you!

Kodiak: Welcome.

Kadzait: I can't believe you called me cute!

Kodiak: Well you are.

Kadzait: Are is present tense.

Kodiak: …Ah, dang.

Potion Craziness Ensured: Part 9: The Intelligence Potion

Kadzait: *Puts down another flask* Man, why does that milk taste like-

Kodiak: *Walks in and sees him* Ah, freak!

Kadzait: What- In the average timeline, a person will walk the equivalent of five times around the equator. What?!

Kodiak: You just drank the intelligence potion. It makes you spout random knowledge at random times.

Kadzait: Why do you- Odontophobia is the fear of teeth- keep this stuff around the house!?

Kodiak: Why do you drink my random stuff!?

Kadzait: I thought- The 57 on Heinz ketchup represents the number of varieties of pickles the company once had- it was milk.

Kodiak: Heinz once had 57 different varieties of pickles?

Kadzait: Yeah. Apparently they- Hey! Can we get back on- In the early days of the telephone, operators would pick up a call and use the phrase "Well, are you there?" It wasn't until 1895 that someone suggested answering the phone with the phrase "Number please."- track?

Kodiak: Oh yeah, sure, but that is really cool.

Kadzait: It's not if- According to suicide statistics, Monday is the favored day for self-destruction-you’re the one shouting random knowledge. And man, I knew it. Monday is a horrid day.

Kodiak: I know right.

Kadzait: Oh, just get- Rhode Island is the smallest state with the longest name. The official name, used on all state documents, is "Rhode Island and Providence Plantations." -your butt to your Potion Room and fix this!

Kodiak: On it, on it. *Leaves*

Kadzait: Finally! When you die your hair still grows for a couple months. Really?!

Later…

Kodiak: Here you go.

Kadzait: Thank- The most money ever paid for a cow was $1.3 million -you.

Kodiak: $1.3? Seriously? Who was the genius that bought that cow!

Kadzait: Does it- The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing their hands in jelly -matter?

Kodiak: Why jelly?

Kadzait: That's it! The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, and Elvis Presley. I'm drinking it. *Drinks it* There. Finally.

Pause*

Kodiak: Wanna drink it again?

Kadzait: Yes. *Drinks the intelligence potion again* A skunk's smell can be detected a mile away by a human. The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache. Elephants are the only mammals that can't jump. Women are 37% more likely to go to a psychiatrist than men are. The human heart creates enough pressure to squirt blood thirty feet. Diet Coke was only invented in 1982.

Kodiak: I curse the man who invented it.

Kadzait I know, right? When snakes are born with two heads, they fight each other for food. There are more than 1,700 references to gems and precious stones in the King James translation of the Bible. American car horns beep in the tone of F. St. Stephan is the patron saint of bricklayers. Stressed is Desserts spelled backwards. If you had enough water to fill one million goldfish bowls, you could fill an entire stadium. Mary Stuart became Queen of Scotland when she was only six days old. Charlie Brown's father was a barber…

Potion Craziness Ensured: Part 10: Hot/Cold Potion

Kodiak and Kadzait: *Played in the snow outside Kodiak's castle*

(She used a spell since her castle is underground. Their clothes are now heavier, and fur lined.)

Kodiak: I'll be right back, Kad! I need to get a drink! *Runs inside*

Kadzait: Why didn't she drink this? *Drinks liquid from another flask* Wow, is it hot out here? *Takes off clothes*

Kodiak: Kad!! Are you trying to get frostbite?!?

Kadzait: Are you kidding? It's hot out here!

Kodiak: You drank another potion, didn't you?

Kadzait: Seems like it.

Kodiak: Inside we go. *Turns around and goes inside*

Kadzait: *Follows Kodiak. Upon entering, he starts shivering* Dang, it's cold in here.

Kodiak: The fire's going. It's actually quite warm in here.

Kadzait: No, it's not!

Later…

Kadzait: *Shivers as he sits on a couch, next to a fire, with every blanket, jacket, pair of socks, shirts, and pants on in the castle* Man, how are you standing there with no cloak on? *Snuggled further into Kodiak's cloak*

Kodiak: Because I didn't drink another one of my potions.

Kadzait: Stop leaving them out!

Kodiak: Ok, how 'bout this! I start labeling things!

Kadzait: That would be nice.

Kodiak: Geez! *Looks at a beaker* It's done.

Kadzait: Give it! Give it now!

Kodiak: *Hands him the beaker*

Kadzait: *Drinks it in less than five seconds* Why am I wearing all these clothes!? It's hot in here! *Wrestles his way out of everything*

Kodiak: I told you…

Kodiak's Ex: Part 1: Beowulf and the Tour

Beowulf has black hair, black wolf ears, black wolf tail, and red eyes. He wears a black tunic, red pants, combat boots, and a black cloak.*

The Black Raul pack, Genesis, Uni, Kodiak, and Kadzait: *Watch a movie*

Kodiak and Kadzait: *Stuff popcorn in their mouths*

Luperca: *Hides behind Naga in fear*

Kodiak: Ichi the Killer is now my new favorite movie.

Kadzait: You said it.

Bane: *Smiles brightly* I've never seen anything so beautiful.

The T.V.: *Screams and a slashing noise is heard*

Navi: *Looks like she's about to hurl*

Luperca: *Fainted*

Shadow, Lupin, and Shade: *Join Bane's, Kodiak's, Kadzait's, and Faang's side of the couch*

Shadow: Yep, this movie is good.

Shade: For once, I agree.

Lupin: Creepy, isn't it?

Isis: You guys are morbid.

Shadow, Shade, Bane, Kadzait, Lupin, and Kodiak:Yes, yes we are.

Bob: *Taps Kodiak's shoulder*

Kodiak: WHAT BOB!?!?

Everyone: *Jumps at Kodiak's outburst, some fall off the couch*

Bob: *Speaks in Esperanto*

Kodiak: Well, who is it?

Bob: *Shrugs and speaks more*

Kodiak: Fine, I'll get it. You guys can continue watching the movie. I'll be back. *Gets up and leaves*

T.V.: *Another scream*

Astraeus: Kodi, wait for us!!!

Everyone: *Runs after Kodiak, all except Kadzait, Bane, Faang, Lupin, Shadow, and Shade*

Faang: Wimps…

With Kodiak…

Kodiak: *Opens door* Who are you and what do you want? *Eyes widen* Beowulf?

Beowulf: Hey princess, how's it going?

Kodiak: *Puts hair behind her ear nervously* Uh, fine, I guess.

Uni: *Jumps into Kodiak's arms* Kodi, save me! Ichi is coming!

Beowulf and Kodiak: *Look at Uni, as the others come around the corner*

Genesis: Hey, who is this?

Beowulf: Nice to see you too, Genesis.

Genesis: Beowulf, is that you?

Beowulf: *Nods*

Uni: Hey, how's it going?

Beowulf: Fine, how 'bout you guys?

Genesis: Fine, fine.

Uni: Yeah, living with Kodi is fun.

Beowulf: Glad to hear.

Kodiak: *Smiles nervously* Yeah…

Kadzait: *Comes around the corner* Kodi, what the heck- Who is this?

Kodiak: Kad! This is… um…

Beowulf: I'm Beowulf. I was Kodiak's boyfriend.

Everyone but Kodiak, Beowulf, Uni, and Genesis: *Stand there, mouths wide open*

Kodiak: Well, this is awkward.

Asteria: You had a boyfriend?

Kodiak: Yeah…

Kadzait: And it was this guy?

Kodiak: Uh-huh.

Beowulf: Yep, right princess? *Slings arm over her shoulders*

Kodiak: Yeah!...

Kadzait: *Stands there fuming*

Kodiak: So, Beowulf, what are you doing here?

Beowulf: Came to visit. Haven't seen you since you fled.

Kodiak: I didn't flee. I simply ran away. And if you dare tell my mom where I am, I will have Mr. Chippers hunt you down.

Beowulf: Mr. Chippers?

Mr. Chippers: *Flies across the hall laughing, and singing Tay Allen's song Mass Text* Why didn't I get your mass text?! I'm in your contacts!!

Beowulf: Ok, so I'm not telling your mom anytime soon.

Kodiak: , why don't I give you a tour and we can catch up.

Beowulf: Sounds good. Let's go, princess.

Kodiak and Beowulf: *Walk away*

Bane: *Walks up to Kadzait with a mischief smile* You ok, Kad?

Kadzait: *Forces a psychotic smile* Amazing, just peachy.

Lupin: I think he's about to explode.

Shade: Yeah. *Smiles happily at the thought*

Kadzait: *Smiles evilly and runs away*

Uni: Where you going, Kad?

Kadzait: Uh… Bathroom?

Navi: He is a mess.

Asteria: No, he's desperately in love.

With Kodiak and Beowulf…

Kodiak: This is hallway #32.

Beowulf: You got a lot of hallways.

Kodiak: That I do, that I do.

Kadzait: *Grabs a rope hanging from the roof in a ninja suit* And now, I must wait.

Beowulf and Kodiak: *Start to walk right in front of where Kadzait wants them*

Kadzait: *Jumps down, ready to send Beowulf out the open window next to them*

Kodiak: Hey, you dropped something.

Beowulf: Oh, hey, my pen. *Bends down to pick up pen*

Kadzait: *Flies right above Beowulf on his rope, and is sent out the window*

Beowulf: *Stands back up* This is my favorite pen.

Kadzait: *Screams as he falls to the castle gardens*

Kodiak: What's that?

Beowulf: *Shrugs* I don't know.

(Crash!!!)

Kodiak: Man, whatever that is, it sounded like it hurt.

With Kadzait…

Kadzait: That… hurt…

Kodiak's Ex: Part 2: Tripped Down A Hill

Beowulf and Kodiak: *Walk through the garden*

Kodiak: So, how's MistikaInsulo?

Beowulf: Great. Your Mom and Dad are really good rulers.

Kodiak: Good Rulers: Yes. Good Parents: Eh.

Beowulf: Is that why you ran away?

Kodiak: They wanted me to wear a dress!

Beowulf: What your wearing now would get you arrested on Mistika.

Kodiak: Yeah, I know! I feel like such a rule-breaker!

With Kadzait…

Kadzait: *Is wearing various bandages, and a cast on his arm* This is bound to work! *Laughs mildly insanely*

Kodiak and Beowulf: *Start to walk by*

Kadzait: *Pulls string*

Kodiak and Beowulf: *Trip over the string and fall down the hill*

Kadzait: Ha ha! It worked! *Starts a victory dance*

Kodiak: *Lands on Beowulf* Heh, heh. This is awkward.

Beowulf: How's it awkward, gorgeous?

Kadzait: Dang it! *Punches a tree* AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Kodiak: What is that?!

Beowulf: How would I know?

Kodiak's Ex: Part 3: Mr. Chipper's Attack

Kodiak and Beowulf: *Talk as they eat pizza and drink Coke*

Kadzait: *Holds Mr. Chippers who had sugar, and now has bandages over his fist* Remember what to do, ok?

Mr. Chippers: Sabotage!

Kadzait: Yes, remember the sabotage script. Ready?

Mr. Chippers: Aye aye, captain!

Kadzait: Alright, go!

Mr. Chippers: *Zooms away*

Kadzait: Note to self: He is never allowed to see Rebo again.

Kodiak: And then-

Mr. Chippers: Pizza! *Takes pizza and the two liter Coke away*

Kadzait: *Face palms* Idiot! Of course you are! You were the one who trusted the stupid squirrel!

Kodiak and Beowulf: *Look after Mr. Chippers*

Beowulf: He took our pizza.

Kodiak: And our Coke.

Beowulf: Dang.

Kodiak's Ex: Part 4: Drowning In Failure

Kodiak: *Jumps off the waterfall and to the lake*

Beowulf: Wait for me! *Jumps off after her*

Kodiak and Beowulf: *Continue to splash and play*

Kadzait: *Looks at them with an evil smile, and then looks at the tank with an electric eel in it* Remember, go after Beowulf. He's over there.

Eel: *Does nothing*

Kadzait: Alright, go. *Lets the eel into the water* Heh, heh! He can't escape this time. *Ground under him gives out and he falls into the water*

Eel: *Sees Kadzait and mistakes him for Beowulf, and started zapping him down the river*

Kadzait: *Falls off another waterfall, runs into a rock, a tree branch, another rock, down another waterfall, into the river rapid, into another rock, another rock, alligator another rock, another rock, a tree branch, eel, another rock, waterfall, rock, branch, river rapids, alligator, rock, rock, rock, eel, rock, (There are a lot of rocks), alligator, tree branch, eel, tree branch, alligator, waterfall, and finally falls into a snake infested tree* Meep. *Runs off screaming as snakes and alligators run after him*

With Kodiak and Beowulf…

Beowulf: Did you hear that?

Kodiak: Yeah, it sounds like screaming. Now that I mention it, we've been hearing a lot of that lately.

Kodiak's Ex: Part 5: Park Fun!

Kodiak and Beowulf: *Sit in the park, watching the sunset, and talking*

Kadzait: *Scooches forward, on a tree, and a bucket full off tarantulas* This time I'll get him, this time. *Lifts the bucket to dump them on Beowulf, but accidently falls back onto the ground, and dumps the tarantulas on him. Starts to run around screaming bloody murder*

Beowulf: Who is that? *Turns around*

Kodiak: *Turns around also* I don't know. Can you see them?

Beowulf: No, it's too dark and they won't stay still.

Kodiak: *Squints* Dang, I wish I could see better.

Kadzait: *Drops to the ground and starts 'running' in circles, still screaming*

Beowulf: I wonder if they're in trouble, or just having a weird sense of fun.

Kodiak: Probably the fun thing, come on. *Leaves with Beowulf*

Kadzait: *Continues to spin in circles on the ground*

Kodiak's Ex: Part 6: Balcony Scene

Kadzait: *Watches (More like stalks) Kodiak and Beowulf talk in the middle of the night on Kodiak's balcony. Picks up a rock*

Kodiak: Wow, this has been a great visit. I wish Kadzait spent time with us.

Beowulf: Yeah, sure.

Kodiak: I thought this would be totally awkward with our former status.

Beowulf: Uh-huh.

Kodiak: Yeah…

Beowulf: *Out of the blue kisses Kodiak*

Kadzait: *Aims the rock*

Kodiak: *Slaps Beowulf away*

Kadzait: *Accidently throws the rock out of surprise*

Beowulf: *Is smacked with the rock* Ow!

Kodiak: What the-! You know what, you probably deserved that.

Beowulf: *Throws the rock in the direction it came from angrily*

Kadzait: *Is dancing when the rock hits him in the face. He is thrown to the ground*

Beowulf: How did I deserve that?!

Kodiak: You don't go and just kiss people!

Beowulf: I thought we were going to get back together!

Kodiak: No! I don't like you that way anymore!

Beowulf: Oh…

Kodiak: Uh-huh…

Beowulf: This is awkward.

Kodiak: Yep…

Beowulf: So… We still friends?

Kodiak: Yeah, sure, whatever.

Beowulf: Ok, night.

Kodiak: Night, Beowulf.

Kodiak and Beowulf: *Go to their rooms*

Kadzait: *Still on the ground, groans in agony*

Kodiak's Ex: Part 7: You Don't Wanna Know

Kodiak: Bye Beowulf! It was nice seeing you!

Kadzait: *Is wheeled up in a wheelchair by Uni* Hey Kodi.

Kodiak: Hey Kad- What happened to you!!?

Kadzait: Don't ask, you don't wanna know.

Uni: He had a rough week.

Kodiak: I can tell.

Kadzait: So, how was your week with Beowulf?

Kodiak: Fine, fine…

Kadzait: Well, that's nice. I'm going home now.

Kodiak: Ok…

Uni: *Rolls him away* You need some serious help, Kad.

Kadzait: I know.

The Revelation

Kodiak: I'M GONNA DO IT!!

Kadzait: Do what?

Kodiak: KAD, I LIKE YOU!!

Kadzait: ...*faints*

Kodiak: ...Kad..? You alive..? Kad?

Twenty Minutes Later...

Kadzait: *springs awake* KODI, I LIKE YOU TOO!

Kodiak: ...cool...KISS ME!! *kisses Kad*

I believe the story behind Phineas and Ferb where a girl tried to get her brothers in trouble for building things in their backyard. The thing is, she had schizophrenia, so no one else could see the creations they 'made'. She wrote all their 'adventures' in a notebook that was discovered after she committed suicide.

Wanna know the reason no one will eat at the Chum Bucket on SpongeBob? Well, for starters, 'chum' is chopped up, dead fish. Therefore, the Chum Bucket is a cannibalistic restaurant.

People in my Family/Friends:

Mom: Mother Goddess

Dad: Father Spawn

Older brother: The Boy

Younger sister: Siri

Younger, younger sister: Shrimpy

Grandma: Grammy

Best Friend: Gator-Gal

Friend: Coop

Best Friend Ever: Kinzy

One of Many Cousins: Mikey

Another Cousin of Many: Al

A super amazing best friend: Panda

Panda's mom: Mrs. Hilarious

Real Conversations I've Had:

(I Like It by Enrique Iglesias plays over radio)

Siri (sister): I wish I knew the name of this song.

Me: I Like It.

Siri: I like it too but I want to know the name of the song.

Me: NO, the name of the song is I LIKE IT!

Siri: Oh...

Mother-Goddess: I think our problem is-

Siri: God wants us on the street!

Shrimpy (Baby-sister): *singing* God is great! Beer is good! Just keep waiting!

Rest of the Family: It's 'People are crazy!'

Shrimpy: Oh! HAHAHAHA!!

Me: The earth is round!

Siri: You're round! Oh wait...

Me: Asland's always been big.

Siri: You're big! Wait...

Me: Thank you child.

Shrimpy: You're welcome, child. I'm just kidding! You're a teenager! PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!!!

Siri: Never insult a man's beard.

Shrimpy: Never insult a woman's beard.

Me: I just had my music on, going la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la...

Siri: Nah, your music's like ROCK AND ROLL!!!

Shrimpy: *in French accent* Johnny Blaze!

Father Spawn: In Mexico, it's Juan-ny Blaze!

(As my grandmother and I are driving to a funeral home to look at my Ma-Maw's body)

Me: Don't worry. I won't bring my backpack in.

Grammy: Good, they'll think you'll clobber her.

Mother Goddess: What kind of ice-cream do you want?

Me: I want the death stuff!

Everyone: *stares*

Me: That sounded wrong...

Me: You're the Queen of Mess-Making!

Siri: Oh yeah! Well, you're the Queen of Breaking Plastic Bowls!

Me: Long shall I reign.

(As my parents and I are talking about moving to Belize and opening a bar on the beach)

Father-Spawn: You'll be homeschooled for high-school!

Me: I thought you were going to teach me how to mix drinks.

Father-Spawn: Yes. Your exam will be making a *insert mixed drink here* in thirty seconds. Top shelf.

Me: Top shelf? Whoa, whoa, whoa, how high is this shelf? I'm not that tall.

Shrimpy: *taps my shoulder*

Me: DON'T DIE!!!

Shrimpy: *takes step back* I was just gonna go downstairs...

Me: DON'T DIE!!!!

Shrimpy: *runs away panicked*

Shrimpy: *tries to take something from desk 'secretly'*

Me: *picks up heavy coaster* I WILL SLAP YOU AROUND WITH THIS COASTER AND THEN GIVE YOU AN UPPERCUT WITH THIS COASTER!!

*as my friend and I are texting while we both simultaneously text her boyfriend*

Gator-Gal: STOP SCARING MY BOYFRIEND!!

Me: I can't! It's too much fun and so me!

Gator-Gal: Stop being you then!!

Me: How do I not be me?

Gator-Gal: BE BATMAN!!

Me: ...ok...*scares her boyfriend like Batman would*

(At Superbowl)

My brother's girlfriend's mother: So who are you all rooting for? Seahawks or Patriots?

Me: I don't care. I'm just here for the food.

Me: Siri, I could see you holding the book open. You have big fingers!

Siri: *mocks crying* You called me Fat Fingers... At least you didn't call me Bigfoot...

Me: Oh no, you're that too.

Shrimpy, Siri, and Me: *start laughing hysterically*

(A little while later...)

Siri: What time is?

Shrimpy: *tells time*

Siri: Oh good, I couldn't tell the time from here.

Everyone: *starts laughing for no reason*

Me: Oh, so you're a blind, fat-fingered Bigfoot! (I tried to say that but I couldn't stop laughing. XD)

*a little later more*

Me: You're a blind, fat-fingered Bigfoot!

Shrimpy: No, she's a blind mole!

Me: No, she's a blind, fat-fingered, Bigfoot-mole!

Mother-Goddess: How many have you had?

Bigger Shrimpy: 3.

Mother-Goddess: Have a yogurt. You have a scale problem.

Shrimpy: I know! ... Can I have a cupcake?

Siri: I didn't know you came down the stairs.

The Boy: I know. They call me Stealth.

Siri: No, they call you Nancy.

Me: *brushing my rat's nest hair* The world hates me... Ow! My hair hates me!

Siri and Shrimpy: *laugh*

*My brain and I in the morning*

Me: This is a comfy bed... It's so warm.

Brain: You got flamed last night.

Me: What? No, I didn't. Shut up, Brain. I'm trying to sleep in.

Brain: You're just postponing the inevitable. I know cause I'm your brain.

Me: Yeah, can you do me a favor? Shut up. I'm trying to enjoy myself here.

Brain: I'm telling ya, someone flamed you. Go get those bad bad words off your phone right now.

Me: No.

Brain: Do it.

Me: *backs away slowly* No.

Brain: DO IT!

Me: No!

Brain: DO IT!!!

Me: Alright, alright, I'll do it! *gets up, gets ready, checks phone* That lying son of a biscuit...

The Boy: I spilled Sprite all over my pants.

Siri: I would expect something else to happen.

Me: Yeah, like a giant watermelon falling from the sky and landing on your head.

The Boy: ...what?

Me: Good job today, Coop!

Coop: You're welcome!

Both of Us: *stares at the other blankly because, yes, he said that*

Siri: Kodi, you forgot a crumb!

Me: Are you kidding?! Get it yourself!!

Mother Goddess: Kodi, that wasn't very nice!

Me: *sobbing sound* But it's a cru-hu-hummmm!!

Siri: You were so lucky you weren't out here when Mom and Dad were!

Me: Why?

Siri: They were dancing.

Grammy: I just go with the flow.

Me: I wonder if the flow has ever said to anybody "screw you"...

My cousins, siblings, and I: *singing obnoxiously* STARSHIPS WERE MEANT TO DIE~! HANDS UP AND TOUCH THE PIE~! CAN'T STOP CAUSE WE'RE SO DRY~! LET'S NOT DO THIS ONE LAST TIME~!

Mikey: *jokingly the entire time* When I say 'commu,' you say 'nism!' COMMU!

The rest of us cousins: NISM!

Mikey: COMMU!

The rest of us cousins: NISM!

Mikey: When I said 'red,' you say 'white!' RED!

The rest of us cousins: WHITE!

Mikey: RED!

The rest of us cousins: WHITE!

Mikey: When I say 'hammer,' you say 'sickle!' HAMMER!

The rest of us cousins: SICKLE!

Mikey: HAMMER!

The rest of us cousins: SICKLE!

Mikey: When I say 'Mother,' you say 'Russia!' MOTHER!

The rest of us cousins: RUSSIA!

Mikey: MOTHER!

The rest of us cousins: RUSSIA!

Me: Well..! You're a Vlad Plasmius!

Kinzy: *gasps in horror* YOU TAKE THAT BACK!!

Mikey and Al: *'acting' out the Lion King on a water slide*

Mikey (as Simba): *long monologue about revenge for killing his father and other such things that's taking forever*

Al (as Scar): *sighs* Oh, I already know you're going to kill me! *lets go of the slide and falls in the water to his 'death'*

Mikey: YOU DIRTY DOG, YOU RUINED IT!! I WAS SUPPOSED TO KILL YOU!! I WAS SUPPOSED TO TAKE REVENGE!!

*Siri and I are driving around in a golf-cart with Siri driving and me standing on the back. Siri has a small branch in her ponytail*

Us: *drives by a couple of people* *turns back around*

Siri: *talking about something stupid*

Me: *sees the people again* *cuts my sister off* YOU HAVE BEEN BLESSED TO SEE THE LEAF QUEEN DRIVING HER VESSEL!! GOODBYE PEASENTS!

Siri: ...I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU JUST SAID THAT!

Mother Goddess: *walks into my temporary room while I'm trying to sleep, looking for something* Don't mind me~!

Me: How can I not?!

Mother Goddess: Because I'm mean!

Me: ...that literally didn't make an ounce of sense.

The Boy: *looking at out plates from dinner* *green stuff is all over where the steak was* I wonder what all this green stuff is...

Me: It's radioactive-toxic-stuff. ... Hey, I'm gonna get superpowers! :D

The Boy: I love how most people would be like "Oh no, I'm going to get cancer!" and you're like "Yeah~! I'm going to get superpowers!"

Kinzy: PARTY POOPER~!!

Me: NO CAKE FOR YOU!

Kinzy: Oh my gosh YEESSSSS!!!

Dad: We don't have beans to make taco soup.

Me: GAH! We can't make anything for dinner apparently! Look, just give me the car keys and some money and I'll go to the store and buy the beans!

Siri: Kodi, you can't do that! Beans are expensive these days!

Me: ...I love how the problem here is the price of beans and not the fact I can't legally drive the truck.

The TV Show We're Watching: -and he's been to lots of teen therapy-

Siri: Something Kodi should be in.

Me: *snorts*

SweetyKinz's A/N for A New World of Bats Ch.10: Side note: EVERYONE CALL KODIAKWOLFE13 BANSHEE. *cackles* LIKE, SERIOUSLY, NO MATTER WHAT, DO IT.

Me: Really Kinzy?! REALLY?!

Kinzy: Hahaha, yeah!

Us: *continues talking*

Me: *gets an email* *opens email*

Roselin: Do I wanna know why an author by the name of SweetyKinz is telling everyone who reads A New World of Bats to call you Banshee?

Us: ...BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! OHMYGOSHOHMYGOSHOHMYGOSH!! YYYYEEEESSSSS!!

Me: *gets another email* *opens*

Expergiscimini: Hey, wanna explain why SweetyKinz wants the world to call you 'Banshee'? O.o

Us: *continues roaring with laughter*rolls on the floor*cries eyes out*pounds fist into the ground*slams head into walls* THIS IS TOO PERFECT!!!

Me: I was thinking about stalkers last night and the house creaked and I was like "...they've come for me. I'm going to die."

Kinzy: Oh my gosh, yes. XD I was really close to the window and it was lightning so I thought I was going to die.

Me: THE BLANKET GODS WOULD HAVE PROTECTED YOU!

Kinzy: YES!! I AM PROTECTED!!

Me (over text): I'M SO HAPPY I COULD HUG YOU! (I originally wrote slap on accident.)

Kinzy (over text): I'M SO HAPPY I COULD SHARE MY GRAPES WITH YOU! (It's instinct.)

Me (in real life): *rolls around on the floor, laughing head off* SHE UNDERSTANDS SO WELLLLLLL~!!!!

The Movie We're Watching: Oh Sinbad, you don't have a heart!

Siri: Like Kodi.

Me: *snorts*

Father Spawn: *watching TV* And this is the reason why society is so messed up.

Siri: Like Kodi.

Me: *snorts and laughs*

(as Kinzy and I text)

Me: WAS IT WORTH LEAVING ME?!

Kinzy: NOTHING'S WORTH LEAVING YOU FOR!

Me: ...IS IT BAD I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA SAY 'YES?'

Kinzy: ...IS IT BAD THAT I ACTUALLY DID AND THEN ERASED IT?

Me: Can you hurry up?! I've got things to do!

Siri: Yes. Things to do, lives to ruin...

Me: *laughs*

Me: I FLIPPIN HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW.

KINZY: THAT IS PERFECTLY OK WITH ME.

(The Next Day)

Kinzy: KODI, DON'T LEAVE ME!!

Me: I DON'T WANT YOU TO GO EITHER BUT KNOW YOU ALWAYS BE IN MY HEART AND I IN YOURS!!

(over email)

Me: I know, aye barrier to!

Kinzy: What does that mean?!

Me: I got auto-corrected. T.T I tried putting aye baeritto.

Kinzy: Oh my gosh... XD BAERITTOS!!

Me: No!

Kinzy: Yes!

Me: Nope!

Kinzy: No!

Me: Thank you for agreeing with me!

Kinzy: Goddamnit!

Me: AHAHAHA!! I WIN!!

Me: *reads questions for religion class, sees they're all yes/no questions, and writes my answers* Oh yeah! That was easy! *flips the page* "Explain your answers." DAMN IT.

Kinzy: BUT I WANT A SQUIRREL NOW, DADDY!!

Me: HAVE THIS RABID ONE, DARLING!

Kinzy: THANK YOU SO MUCH, DADDY! I SHALL NAME HER DAISY!

Me: THE BEAST IS A HE.

Kinzy: I SHALL NAME HIM CHARLIE!

Kinzy: *hugs my one-and-Kodi*

Me: *your what and me?*

Kinzy: *my one-and-my one-and-Kodi*

Me: *oh my gosh, I love you so much*

Me: AHAHAHA, WE LAUGH AT LOSERS!!

Kinzy: SAID THE LOSERS.

Me: BUT WE'RE LIKE THE HIGHBREEDS. A HIGHER FORM OF LOSERS.

Kinzy: OH MY GOSH, YES!! LOSERS OF THE PUREST FORM! THEY CANNOT CONTAMINATE US!!

Me: *after texting The Boy a long-winded rant about Siri and Shrimpy* I am so sorry for writing that novel.

The Boy: It's ok! You should see some of the texts I send to Melly. Trilogies, man. XD

Me: HA! That's majestical! I know because I actually stole your phone at one point and looked!

The Boy: Hahaha, did you really?

Me: You were driving. You weren't using it!

(as my friend gets stuck on a ride at Busch Gardens while I get stuck at the gate with her)

Panda: *looking around the ride with a "aw, damn it" body language vibe going*

The lady running the ride: *hands me microphone as she quickly freaks out* Here, do you want to calm your friend down?

Me: *nods and takes the microphone* ...only you, loser.

Panda, the crowd watching, and the lady: *laughs hysterically*

(for the rest of the wait as we're stranded) Panda and Me: *does the Macarena, dances, claps, sign languages our hunger, and laughs as we're video-taped by another random dude*

Josh (from Drake and Josh): Hey! No snooping!

Drake (same show): I'm not snooping! I'm rifling through the drawers to see what lies within.

Siri: Something Kodi would do.

Me: *snorts*

The world: You don't like Star Wars? Why you no like Star Wars? It's the best!

Me on the outside: Oh, it just doesn't interest me. I'm more into superheroes than all those wars in the stars stuff...

Me on the inside: BECAUSE I JUST DON'T LIKE IT!! GOD, DOES THE WORD 'OPINION' MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?? THE WORLD DOESN'T REVOLVE AROUND FUCKING STAR WARS!! *slams head against desk repeatedly*

Me: Panda, you're so weird!

Mrs. Hilarious: *snorts amusedly* Oh yeah? Says the one who's petting a magazine.

Me: IT'S NOT A MAGAZINE!! IT'S A COMIC BOOK!!! *hugs Red Hood and the Outlaws to my chest protectively and strokes it* Shh, it's ok, Jason! She didn't mean it! It's ok, Jason, I LOVE YOU!!

Panda: *dying from laughter in the background*

Me: *face stuffed in pillow, hair everywhere, completely sprawled out all over my bed*

Panda, Siri, and Shrimpy: *open my door quietly and try to sneak in*

Me: *doesn't even twitch* Don't. You. Dare.

The Three: *laughs and stands there stupidly*

Panda: Ok, so Kodi, I went to the eye doctor the other day and I got 5 free contacts because I told him my eighteen-year-old best friend, Kodi, was getting married to her fiancée, Jason (as in, Todd), and I didn't want to be the only one in glasses and ruin your wedding.

Me: ...you're kidding.

Panda: Nope! He also asked if ya'll were eloping and I told him no and that you guys were getting married in Holland and that your wedding colors are black and blue, like bruises. :D

Me: Wow... Now I kind of want to meet your eye doctor in the middle of the mall, have him ask "Oh, where's your husband?," and answer "Oh, Jason's at home...with the kid." "OH... How old is your child..?" "Jay Junior's two. Jason wanted to start early."

Panda: *crying as she laughs her head off* I am just now registering how crazy my story is...

Shrimpy: So you know how you said you were the queen?

Me: Yeah. What about it?

Shrimpy: Well, one day, I'm gonna overrule you and I will be the queen and you will be my peasant!

Me: ...first of all, it's overthrow, not overrule. Second of all, that's the reason you won't be able to overthrow me. Lastly, all I'd have to do is slap you to regain my thrown.

Shrimpy: ...well then...

Me: *sees a picture that completely mocks Jason Todd as a character* *gets my gun out and cocks it* PREPARE TO DIE, SUCKER. LET'S SEE HOW YOU APPRECIATE DYING AND THEN COMING BACK TO LIFE, HUH?? Kinzy! You wanna help me?

Kinzy: *sees the picture* THAT FUCKER. HELL YES.

The phone: Incoming Call... Florida

Me: Hey guys, Flo Rida is calling us again! Who wants to answer?

Siri: Dang it, how many times must we tell him we don't wanna be in his music video?!

*as we begin Skyping*

Kinzy: OOO, you look like shit!

Me: ...thanks...

Kinzy: I would never call you a meanie!

Me: But you'll call me a bitch and a slut. Aw, friendship.

Mother Goddess: But then Kodi would miss church!

Father Spawn: That's ok. She's beyond saving anyways.

Shrimpy: She's Beyoncé?

Me: ...

The rest of the family: *laughing hysterical*

Father Spawn and I: It's essentially the same thing so...

Me: *racing across the house, "gracefully" jumping past people as I do to grab a book*

Mother Goddess: *watches* What are you doing?

Me: NOTHING! *races past, going back to computer and supposedly running out of ear-shot*

Mother Goddess: Is she ok?

Me: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Me: *yelling at my computer-screen* COME ON, STORY OF MINE!! YOU CAN GET ONE MORE FAVORITE AND BREAK EVEN!! COME ON, I KNOW YOU CAN!! *totally ignores the fact it's not my story's fault it can't seem to get any more favorites*

Me: *listens to Africa by Toto come on* Hey, I love this song!

Father Spawn: Oh yeah, what's it called?

Me: Africa.

Father Spawn: ...who's it by?

Me: Toto.

Father Spawn: ...what was there other big hit?

Me: Hold the Line.

Father Spawn: WHY DO YOU KNOW THIS? THIS IS MY ERA'S MUSIC.

Grammy: *to my sister* What does the girl do when she finds this out?

Siri: I dun know.

Me: She got up, and she ran away.

Grammy: That's...actually right.

Me: ...I was right? I was RIGHT?! I DIDN'T EVEN READ THE STORY!! HOW AM I RIGHT??

Epic Autocorrect/Typo Mishaps

I put the ugly duckling. It corrected it to the ugly fucking. ("While this statement does ring true, THAT IS NOT WHAT I PUT.")

I meant to put graceless but I put grassless. (Definition: One who has no grass. *sobs*)

I put sickoes. It corrected to dickies. (I know that's probably not the correct plural forms of sicko but still... WHAT THE HELL, PHONE?)

I put yes. It changed to team. (I'm not even sure how this one works.)

I put faster. It corrected to gayer. (How does that even WORK?)

I put topless. It corrected to topples. (Kinzy could always topple over topless! :D)

Attitude is Everything

Colonel Sanders was living out of the back of his car and seldom knew how he was going to get by from day to day. Franchising was a new concept, and people were suspicious of his plans for a far-reaching chain of restaurants. Besides that, most folks thought that at the Colonel's age, he should be retiring instead of trying to start a new business. He was certain of only one thing, that he knew how to make the best fried chicken in the world. His attitude was that since his Kentucky Fried Chicken was the best, success was only a matter of time.

-Wisdom of Wolves, Leadership Lessons from Nature by Twyman Towery

Favorite Junk:

Bands: Nightwish, Three Days Grace, Simple Plan, Sum 41, Skillet, Lindsey Stirling, Evanescence, Shinedown, Nickelback (so many people gasped at this, I know it), Mannheim Steamroller, Secret Garden, Celtic Women, Clannad, Enya, Emery, 3 Doors Down, Steeldrivers, Innerpartysystem, Fall Out Boys, Pentatonix, Five Finger Death Punch.

Music Genre: Hard rock, heavy metal, gothic, techno, and symphonic. (Or anything depressing)

Cartoons: Danny Phantom, Young Justice, Justice League, X-Men Evolution, Teen Titans, Batman: The Animated Series

YouTubers (this won't include music channels): CinemaSins, Variant Comics, Jack Roper, and Vsauce3.

Music Channels (on YouTube): Nintendofan12000, Gravity Nightcore, 666DeadDeath, Angelicgirl2550, NightcoreMelodyRemix, NightcoreReality, Whiten0ice, Sanuksanan Nightcore

That's bout it.

What’s On My Bookshelf

Books:

Note: All the series are in chronological order.

Wolves of the Beyond Series by Kathryn Lasky

1. Lone Wolf
2. Shadow Wolf
3. Watch Wolf
4. Frost Wolf
5. Spirit Wolf
6. Star Wolf

The Peculiar Children Trilogy by Ransom Riggs

1. Miss Peregrine’s Hone for Peculiar Children
2. Hollow City
3. Library of Souls

The Young Elites Series by Marie Lu

1. The Young Elites
2. The Rose Society

The Asylum Series by Madeleine Roux

1. Asylum
2. Sanctum
3. Catacomb

Anna Dressed in Blood by Kendare Blake

Girl of Nightmares (Sequel to Anna Dressed in Blood) by Kendare Blake

The Shining by Stephen King

Doctor Sleep (Sequel to The Shining) by Stephen King

Myths and Legends by Various

Classic Ghost Stories by O. Henry, Bram Stoker, Mary E. Wilkins Freeman, Charles Dickens, Oscar Wilde, and Rudyard Kipling

The Girl Who Could Fly by Victoria Forester

Bad Girls Don’t Die by Katie Alender

Wonder by R.J. Palacio

The Wolf Princess Cathryn Constable

Freaks by Kieran Larwood

Lawless by Jeffrey Salane

The Valley of the Wolves by Laura Gallego Garcia

The Missing Gator of Gumbo Limbo by Jean Craighead George

The Talking Earth by Jean Craighead George

The Boxes by William Sleator

Griffin’s Castle by Jenny Nimmo

The Witch of Blackbird Pond by Elizabeth George Speare

Hatchet by Gary Paulsen

Lupus Rex by john Carter Cash

Wolf Storm by Dee Garretson

Legend of the Ghost Dog by Elizabeth Cody Kimmel

Scorched Mari Mancusi

Th1rteen R3asons Why by Jay Asher

Let Me Wake by Adirenne Stoltz and Ron Bass

A Child Called “It” by Dave Pelzer

Wisdom of the Wolves, Leadership Lessons From Nature by Twyman Towery

An Introduction to the Devout Life by St. Francis de Sales

Roses Among Thorns by St. Francis de Sales

The Essential Batman Encyclopedia by Robert Greenberger

The Stand by Stephen King

Cujo by Stephen King

It by Stephen King

Natural Selection by Dave Freedman

Between Shades of Grey by Ruta Sepetys

A Killer's Essence by Dave Zeltserman

Melody Burning by Whitley Strieber

Shadow Man by Denis Etchison

The She by Carol Plum Ucci

Dark Angel by David Klass

Coraline by Neil Gaiman

The Serial Killer's Club by Jeff Povey

Promise of the Wolves by Dorothy Hearst

Libyrinth by Pearl North

Thirteenth Child (Frontier Magic - Book One) by Patricia C. Wrede

Last to Know by Elizabeth Adler

Animes:

Kio Cupid Vol. 1 by Mia Ikumi

Inuyasha: A Feudal Fairy Tale by Rumiko Takahashi

1. Volume 1
2. Volume 13

World of Warcraft by Richard A. Knaak and Jae-Hwan Kim

1. Book 1: Dragon Hunt
2. Book 3: Ghostlands

Ouran High School Host Club, Volume 1 by Bisco Hatari

Anima by Natsumi Mukai

1. Volume 1

Comics/Graphic Novels:

Batman: A Death in the Family by Jim Starlin, Marv Wolfman, Jim Aparo, and George Perez

Batman: Under the Red Hood by Judd Winick, Doug Mahnke, Shane Davis, Eric Battle, and Paul Lee

Red Hood: The Lost Days by Judd Winick

Batman: The Killing Joke by Alan Moore and Brian Bolland

Batman: The Long Halloween by Jeph Loeb and Tim Sale

The Winter Soldier: The Complete Collection by Ed Brubaker, Butch Guice, and Michael Lark

Red Hood and the Outlaws (New 52)

1. REDemption by Scott Lobdell and Kenneth Rocafort
2. The Starfire by Scott Lobdell, Kenneth Rocafort, and Timothy Green II
3. Death of the Family by Scott Lobdell, Timothy Green II, and Fabian Nicieza
4. League of Assassins by James Tynion IV and Julis Gopez
5. The Big Picture by James Tynion IV, Will Pfeifer, Joe Keatinge, Rafael Sandoval, and Jordi Tarragona
6. Lost and Found by Scott Lobdell and Rafa Sandoval
7. Last Call by Scott Lobdell, RB Silva, Wayne Faucher, Richard Horie, and Tanya Horie

Batman (New 52)

1. The Court of Owls by Scott Snyder, Greg Capullo, and Jonathon Glapion
2. The City of Owls by Scott Snyder, Greg Capullo, Jonathon Glapion, James Tynion IV, Rafael Albuquerque, and James Fabok
3. Death of the Family by Scott Snyder, Greg Capullo, and Jonathon Glapion
4. Zero Year – Secret City by Scott Snyder, Greg Capullo, Danny Miki, and Fco Plascencia
5. Zero Year – Dark City by Scott Snyder, Greg Capullo, Danny Miki, and Fco Plascencia
6. Graveyard Shift by Scott Snyder and Greg Capullo
7. Endgame by Scott Snyder, Greg Capullo, Danny Miki, Fco Plascencia

Deadpool (Marvel Now)

1. Dead Presidents by Brian Posehn, Gerry Duggan, and Tony Moore
2. Soul Hunter by Brian Posehn, Gerry Duggan, Scott Koblish, and Mike Hawthorne
3. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly by Brian Posehn, Gerry Duggan, Scott Koblish
4. Deadpool VS. S.H.I.E.L.D. by Brian Posehn, Gerry Duggan, Scott Koblish, and Mike Hawthorne
5. Wedding of Deadpool by Brian Posehn, Gerry Duggan, Fabian Nicieza, Mark Waid, Joe Kelly, and John Lucas
6. Original Sin by Brian Posehn, Gerry Duggan, and Scott Koblish
7. Axis by Brian Posehn, Gerry Duggan, Scott Koblish, and Mike Hawthorne
8. All Good Things by Brian Posehn, Gerry Duggan, Scott Koblish, Mike Hawthorne, Salva Espin

Batman/Superman (New 52)

1. Cross World by Greg Pak and Jae Lee
2. Game Over by Greg Pak, Jae Lee, and Brett Booth
3. Second Chance by Greg Pak, Jae Lee, Karl Kerschl, Marc Deering, and Diogenes Neves
4. Siege by Greg Pak and Ardian Syaf

Godzilla: Rulers of Earth (IDW Comics)

1. Volume 1 by Chris Mowry and Matt Frank
2. Volume 2 by Chris Mowry, Matt Frank, and Jeff Zornow
3. Volume 3 by Chris Mowry, Matt Frank, and Jeff Zornow

Uncanny Avengers (Marvel Now Series)

1. The Red Shadow by Rick Remender
2. The Apocalypse Twins by Rick Remender, Gerry Duggan, Daniel Acuna, and Adam Kubert

Suicide Squad (New 52)

1. Kicked in the Teeth by Adam Glass and Federico Dallocchina
2. Basilisk Rising by Adam Glass and Fernando Dagnino

All New Suicide Squad (New 52)

1. Pure Insanity by Sean Ryan, Rob Hunter, and Jeremy Roberts Blond

Batman Eternal (New 52)

1. Volume 1 by Scott Snyder, James Tynion IV, John Layman, Ray Fawkes, Tim Seeley, Jason Fabok, Dustin Nguyen, Mikel Janin, and Guillem March

Justice League (New 52)

1. Origin by Geoff Johns, Jim Lee, and Scott Williams

Justice League Dark (New 52)

1. In the Dark by Peter Milligan, Ryan Sook, and Mikel Janin

Teen Titans (New 52)

1. It's Our Right to Fight by Scott Lobdell, Brett Booth, and Norm Rapmund

Loki: Agent of Asgard (Marvel Now)

1. Trust Me by Al Ewing and Lee Garbett
2. I Cannot Tell A Lie by Al Ewing and Jorge Coelho

Five Ghosts (Image Comics)

1. The Haunting of Fabian Grey by Frank J. Barbiere, Chris Mooneyham, Lauren Affe, and S.M. Vidaurri

Wytches (Image Comics)

1. Volume 1 by Scott Snyder and Jock

A Flame Poem-By Meta Knight LOVER

Don't you understand?
There's someone behind the pen name,
who wrote this with their own hand,
and who worked so hard to finish.
But they made a mistake,
after all no one is perfect,
but they gave you headache,
now you have to tell them
how horrible they did.
You could give it to them
like a simple suggestion,
but you're not like that,
you are strong and uncaring,
so a flame they shall get!

Meanwhile,
the sweet young author,
who has been out for awhile,
sees they've been reviewed.
At first they are hopeful,
until they read it,
then they become mournful.
A tear is spotted
from the corner of their eye
and they hope
that this is just a lie.
But deep down inside,
they know it isn't
and they feel the need to hide,
so they delete the story.
All that hard work, gone.
Congrades to you,
you just had to say what's wrong.

Flamers will pick about this poem. People who hate flamers will repost this in their profiles!

(It was too sad not to post it here.)

12 Things To Hate About Everyone:

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.. I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their butt to search the entire room for the T.V.. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Are you looking for something?". No I like wandering around the house like an idot looking under stuff.

4. When people say while watching a film "Did you see that?". No Loser, I paid 12 bucks to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

5. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

6. When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

7. When people say "life is short". What the heck? Life is the longest darn thing anyone ever does! What can you do that's longer?

8. When you are waiting for the bus and somebody asks "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

9. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what did they used to be? Ears?, Wellington boots?

10. When you're eating something and somebody asks 'Is that any good?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

11. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks; that's an image I really didn't need.

12. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if you don't insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering... It has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger gets blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes, you McIdiot!!!

Stupid Things I Have Done And Highly Recommend Not Doing:

-Touched an electric racket while it was on. Don't do this one under any circumstances.

-Got poison ivy when I played on the slip and slide with my friend.

-Tested said friend's homemade zip-line. It worked about halfway through the ride.

-Climbed a big hill and grabbed a loose root. It broke. I fell. I bled.

-Sprayed Listerine in my eye. My eye felt minty for the rest of the day.

-Forgot to put water in my easy mac' and cheese and almost burned down the house.

-Left the stove on. Twice.

-Put sugar on my food at a restaurant instead of salt on accident.

-Went sledding on ice and ran into tree and kneed myself in the head.

-Ran around with wet feet, slipped, and cut my chin open with a trash-can wheel. I needed stitches.

-Cut myself with a knife while slipping said knife through an apple.

-Ran around my gym, slipped on a sweat spot on the ground, and scraped my knee so badly it scarred.

-Looked up what 'Pompous Pep' was. Scarred myself for life.

-Watched Criminal Minds at night and began assuming a serial killer was going to kill me.

Sarcastic/Funny Crap:

I'll have you know that I watched Jason Todd's death on YouTube and I only cried for two hours.

Boys are like trees - they take 50 years to grow up.

Excuse me. Have you seen my mind? I think I've lost it...

My mind works like lightning...one flash and then it's gone.

Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound as they go by.

I don't obsess! I think intensely.

If annoyed further, I shall spork your eyes out.

I'm not random, you just can't think as fast as me

MOO... I'm a fish

Silence is Golden, Duck tape is Silver

Guns don't kill people, People with mustaches do

Love isn't about joy, it's about endurance

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils ... - Louis Hector Berlioz

Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much.- Oscar Wilde

Officer, I swear to Drunk I'm not God!

I smile because I have no idea what's going on!

I make the cowardly lion look like the terminator!

I stay as confused as a gangster with a skateboard.

I used to be normal, until I met the freaks that I call my friends

One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Be a loser! Because being cool is so overrated!

It's always the last place you look...of course it is, why the heck would I keep looking after I found it?

They say, "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that they're not out to get you.

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

"I know water doesn't bite! What a stupid thing to say! Water doesn't have to bite you! You drown in it you moron!" -Stewie Griffin

"You know, I do not think that means what you think it means." Inigo Montoyez

Make a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day but set the man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

It's all fun and games until the other person loses their mind

Life isn't passing me by; it's trying to run me over.

Don't hate yourself in the morning-sleep till noon.

You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.

I'm so gangster, I carry a squirt gun.

I'm not so good at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

I was gifted, but the psychiatrist took away my powers.

You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder.

Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?

Apparently 1 in 5 people are Chinese; there are five people in my family so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or dad, or my older brother Collin, or my younger brother Ho-chan-chu, but I think its Colin.

Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures'

It is wise to walk a mile in a man's shoes before judging him... That way you're a mile away and you have his shoes.

"If you are good you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good you will get out of it."

"What happens if you get scared half to death twice?"

"A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking."

"Sometimes you're the windshield, but sometimes you gotta be the bug."

"I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear into my crib."

"Always listen to experts- they'll tell you confidently what can't be done and why. Then go ahead and do it."

"After all is said and done a heck of a lot more is said than done."

"At my lemonade stand I used to give away the first glass for free, and charge five dollars for the refill. It contained the antidote."

"Happiness is your dentist telling you "it won't hurt a bit," and then he catches his hand in the drill."

Let's play truth or dare! Or maybe just dare, because nobody seems to tell the truth anymore.

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.

War is God's way of teaching Americans about geography.

Basic Definitions of Science: If it's green or wiggles, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics.

Those who fail history class are doomed to repeat it.

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.

People who say it can't be done should not interrupt those of us who are doing it.

Asking a writer what he thinks about criticism is like asking a lamppost what it thinks about dogs.

My friends are the type of people who would try to drown a fish, but I love them anyway.

Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."

The buddy system is essential to survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.

SARCASM is just another free service I offer.

I like you. When the world is mine, your death shall be quick and painless.

I'm not ALWAYS late. Sometimes I just don't show up.

You're not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.

Education is important; school however, is another matter.

Evening News is where they begin with "Good Evening" then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

I can only please on person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow's not looking good, either.

Don't follow in my footsteps; I tend to walk into walls.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people who ask questions.

There are three kinds of people in the world; ones that can count and ones that can't count.

I am on a quest to the deepest, darkest corners of my room in search of what some would call "a floor" - a long and difficult task awaits me. Wish me luck my friends for I may not return alive.

I'm not paranoid... WHICH ONE OF MY ENEMIES TOLD YOU THIS!

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried

Don't knock on death's door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.

Trying is the first step toward failure.

When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"?

Dream big dreams, because little dreams have no magic.

Ooooo...a life. Where can I download one?

I apologize, do you want me to mean it too?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill themselves, is it considered a hostage situation.

"Doctors say I have multiple personality disorder. We disagree with that."

"I am sick of people having a near death experience and saying they saw the light. You know what the paramedics do when they first arrive? THEY SHINE A LIGHT IN YOUR EYE! That's not GOD…it's a MAGLIGHT!" Tony V.

Fake is the new trend. I guess everyone's in style.

So what? I've got a smile on, but it's hiding the quiet superstitions in my head.

Yes I may be smiling, but I'm secretly laughing at your face.

I didn't say that it was your fault…I said I was going to blame you.

I'm the person your mother warned you about.

If you have noticed this notice you will have noticed that this notice is not worth noticing.

I hear voices, and they don't like you.

Do not disturb I'm disturbed enough already

Can't anybody who has a job go in the "employees only" doors at restaurants? Shouldn't they be more specific and say "employees of this place only"?

My knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil.

Guns don't kill people. Fat, fluffy switchblade-wielding baby ducks do.

You laugh at me because I'm crazy, I laugh at you because there's an invisible leprechaun on your shoulder!

Sanity? Why would I want something as useless as that?

I'm not suffering from insanity...I'm enjoying every minute of it!

Who ever said nothing is impossible never tried to staple water to a tree and slam a revolving door.

We are not retreating...we are advancing in another direction.

Don't worry about the world ending today it's already tomorrow in some other part of the world!

Drive like you stole it!

Everyday I think people can't get any dumber. Every day I'm proven horribly wrong.

I didn't escape from the mental ward! Those sirens are a complete coincidence!

Why do we teach kids that violence is not the answer and then have them read about wars in school that solved America's problems?

Light travels faster than sound, that's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Some people are like slinkies, good for nothing, but they make you smile when you push them down a flight of stairs.

It's not denial. I’m just selective about the reality I accept.

It's not PMS...it's you.

Normal people worry me.

There's nothing that can't be fixed with duct tape, chocolate, or by running it over.

Don't upset me, I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

I stopped fighting my inner demons quite some time ago. We're on the same side now.

I do not have an attitude problem! I have an attitude, but I just can't find a problem with it.

I'm not mean, I just say what most people keep in their heads.

I don't need your attitude, I have my own.

You're a great friend. But if zombies are chasing us, I'm tripping you.

I did not hit you, I simply high-fived your face.

Sometimes I pretend to be normal, but it gets boring, so I go back to being me.

That which does not kill me had better run pretty fast!

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

My Reality Check bounced.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

Eagles may soar, but wolves don't get sucked up into jet engines.

The next time someone says "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me" HIT THEM WITH A DICTIONARY!

I didn't fall for you, you tripped me.

I am being driven insane. And I must say the scenery is nice.

Would you like a cookie? So would I!

You can't make people love you, but you can stalk them until they give in.-Scoop by Rene Gutteridge

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

The dinosaur's extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all committed suicide.

Slinky Escalator = Endless fun

I ran with scissors, and lived!

If you can stay calm when all around you is complete chaos, you probably haven't fully understood the situation.

A day without sunshine is like...Night.

Do not argue with an idiot, he will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me.

Boys are like lava lamps, fun to watch but not too bright.

It takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile and only 4 to reach out and slap someone.

Some people say 'if you can't beat them, join them'. I say 'If you can't beat them, beat them', because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise!

"If ya can't beat 'em, join 'em. If ya can't join 'em, bribe 'em. If ya can't bribe 'em, blackmail 'em. If ya can't blackmail 'em, kill 'em. If ya can't kill 'em, you're doomed."

Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.

One day your prince will come. Mine? Oh he took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.

Most learn by observation. Some learn by experimentation. And then there are those who actually touch the fire.

The next time you think your perfect, try walking on water.

"Be alert! The world needs more lerts..."

"Pickles are cucumbers soaked in evil."

"Smile. It makes people wonder what you're up to."

Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Stop the world. I want to get off.

I would just like to point out, the dark side has no cookies. But still, JOIN US AND GET FREE BROWNIES!

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90 percent probability you'll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it

The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in the dark.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty

Edward isn't a Vampire. He lives in the forest, he doesn't eat people, and he sparkles. He's obviously a Fairy.

ROTFLOLASHTINCBISAGOWOTTARUTDIAIOA - Rolling on the floor laughing out loud and so hard that I nearly choke but I see a glass of water on the table and reach up to drink it and I'm ok again.

For men who think.”A women's place is in the kitchen," Just remember, that's where the knives are kept!

Definition of pointless = chocolate in resealable bags!

Do not interrupt me when I'm concocting evil schemes or I will bite you.

Today, my friend showed me that the word OK looks like a sideways person. Then I pointed out that QK looks like a ninja. I win.

Bubble wrap... addicting people since 1957

I watched a PG movie without my parents’ permission. What. A. Rebel.

I bet a lot of mimes choke to death because nobody believes they're really choking.

You squeeze a lemon, you get lemon juice. You squeeze an orange, you get orange juice. So how come when you squeeze a cow, you get milk??? COW JUICE, PEOPLE.

Was in the park flying a kite and a guy walks up and says "You flying a kite?" Nope, we're fishing for birds.

You think My Danny Phantom obsession is unhealthy, but I think your One Direction obsession is unhealthy, so who's the winner here?

My mother told me not to talk to strangers, which is why I don't talk to myself.After all, I'm stranger than you.Even if you're loony.

The chicken didn't cross the road. I ran it over in my Chevy when it was halfway across.

The Nyan Cat song goes, "MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW." The cow goes, "Moo Moo Moo." The duck goes, "Quack Quack Quack." I go, "SHUT UP! I'M TYPING!"

Sleep is for the weak, coffee is life.

I know most girls would scream and cry if a boy hit them, but I would tell my friends to bring a shovel, an alibi, and a chainsaw.

Are you as bored as I am? Read this backward and it still makes sense.

Get on a plane and yell Hijack, and when everyone panics just say,"What? I thought I saw my friend Jack."

A good friend will say, "Don't do it." Your best friend will say, "We need more fireworks."

A good friend will say, "You shouldn't have done that." A best friend will say, "Let's do it again."

A rope $5, a knife $7, a pickle $1, a hankie $2, a gun and silencer $20, look on the cashiers face, PRICELESS!

Duct tape, rope, matches, a can of gas, and a bottle of vodka. I would love to see the look on the cashiers face when I walk to the register with all this stuff.

A friend will ask if you're okay, a good friend will pick you up and say you're okay, but a best friend will say, "Whose grave am I digging now?"

Best friends are like ninja assassins, destroying whatever sorry soul should harm you, even by accident.

Best friends will scream, "I FRIKKIN LOVE YOU!" in a public place and not worry about whether people think ya'll are gay.

Procrastinators Unite!...tomorrow.

Some people are only alive because it's illegal to shoot them.

And to think you are the result of millions of years of evolution!

I'm not mean, you're just a sissy.

Note to self: It is illegal to stab people for being stupid.

Don't make me mad...I'm known to bite at random!!

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat. - unknown

"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read." - Groucho Marx

"Humor is reason gone mad." - Groucho Marx

R-A-P-E, get that thing away from me! -RainbowDash77

Did you even notice that therapist is made of the words "the rapist"? - RainbowDash77 and Me

When life hands you lemons, throw them back and yell, "Make your own Lemonade!"

So I heard you like water. That's great. You like 80% of me already!

They laugh because we're losers. We laugh 'cause they just figured that out!

You should go find your Prince! The poor guy could be stuck up a tree or something!

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in a large group. It's fascinating!

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems!

In exactly every single case where some said, "Oh no she didn't!" She did.

Parents call it talking back. We call it explaining.

Don't judge me on what I did seconds ago. I've changed since then.

Looking up at stars* Seeing all these beautiful constellations makes me want to write poetry. Or bake a ham, I forget which...

There is no 'I' in TEAM, but there is a 'I' in PIE and PIE is in MEATPIE and MEAT is an anagram for TEAM...So Ha!

Don't you dare tell me that the sky's the limit when there's FOOTPRINTS on the MOON!

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

Hippoptomonstrousaequipodalicphobic: The fear of long words.

"Sir! We're surrounded!" "Good! We can attack anywhere!"

If you heart was really broken, you'd be dead. So shut up.

I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger...Then it hit me. I took it hard.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away...if you aim right. My apple always seems to miss. Bummer

What three words can embarrass a guy the most? "Hold my purse."

If life hands you lemons, you better ask for water and sugar too. Otherwise you've got pretty crappy lemonade.

How to do my homework? 5% library book, 10% textbooks, 85% GOOGLE!!!

Why do we feel safe under blankets? It’s not like a murderer will come in thinking, “I’m gonna kill- Ahhh! Dang! She’s under a blanket!”

That scary moment when you are about to fall asleep and a scene from a horror movie flashes through your mind.

To Do List: 1) Buy a sword, 2) Name it ‘Kindness’, 3) Kill people with Kindness

When you finally need that thing in your room, it’s gone.

I WAKE UP IN THE MORNING FEELING LIKE… going back to sleep.

That beautiful moment when you’re in a restaurant and you see your food coming.

That moment when you see a bunch of people from school hanging out at the mall and you’re there with your mom.

When you drop something and just look at it because you’re too lazy to pick it up.

Teacher: “You should KNOW this! You learned it three years ago!” - You: “Duh! I don’t even remember what happened last week!”

That moment when you’re laughing so hard and you try to stop but you look at that person and laugh again.

My room may be a mess but I know where EVERYTHING is.

That moment when you find free Wi-Fi in public: AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW YYYYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAHHHHH!!!!

Phone vibrates at home: You can barely hear it. *Phone vibrates at school: FRIKKIN EARTHQUAKE!!!!

“Hey, did you get a haircut?” - “No, I died the tips invisible.”

Everything is always funnier when you’re not allowed to laugh.

Couples that are in love, I call love birds. Couples that always fight, I call angry birds.

Awkward: Your cell phone going off full volume at a funeral. Even worse, the ringtone being “I Will Survive.”

You breathe oxygen? We have so much in common.

I don’t have haters. I have fans in denial.

When I find it, I don’t need it. When I need it, I can’t find it.

“Stand still. The bee won’t sting you.” - “WHAT?!?! Screw that, I’m running!”

That moment when you think of a good comeback, except it’s four hours after the argument.

Trying to act natural around cops, even though you did nothing wrong.

Tickle me and I will not be responsible for your injuries.

Teacher: “Please open your textbooks to page 364.” - Random kid in class: “OH MY GOSH!! I JUST FLIPPED RIGHT TO THAT EXACT PAGE IN ONE FLIP!!!”

That awkward moment when you realize you’re going in the wrong direction, so you hit your pockets like you forgot something.

That moment when someone takes the piece of food you mentally claimed.

I’m the kind of person to come out of gym… And go straight to McDonald’s.

Calling your mom back after 50 missed calls.

That moment when you look at your best friend and you both know what both of you are thinking and laughing.

If homework is work, then why am I not getting paid?

That moment when you’re on an embarrassing website and your computer freezes.

The internet always seems more interesting when you have work to do.

When someone touches my phone, I automatically turn into a ninja.

The fastest land animal is the teenager who sees mom pulling into the driveway and realizes that they forgot to do some chores.

Me: Goes to school, does all my homework, follows the rules, hardly ever goes out. - Parents: You’re frikkin out of control.

That awkward moment when you finally take a decent picture but you keep staring at it and it keeps getting uglier.

Dear 30 open tabs, which one of you is playing the music? Sincerely, frustrated.

When your friend tells you who they like and you’re like: I KNEW IIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!

“Who are you texting?” - *name of boy* - “Is he your boyfriend?” - “No, Mom.” - “Do you like him?” - “NO, Mom!” - “Who DO you like?” - “GO AWAY, MOM!”

When I was younger, I thought the character turning from a child to an adult actually waited for themselves to age.

There’s one thing school taught me... Never touch the underside of the desk.

I am not hungry, but I am bored. Therefore, I shall eat.

Hello random bruise, where did you come from?

Starring at a dead body in a movie to see if you’ll catch them moving.

Cashier: “That’ll be $17.67.” - You: *Hands over $20 bill* - Mom: “I GOT THE SIXTY SEVEN CENTS!!!”

If you friend request me on Facebook and your picture is a car, I will automatically assume you’re a Transformer.

Saving a file and naming it “asdfghj” just to go fast.

That one password you use for everything and if anyone figured it out they could single-handedly ruin your entire life.

“Airplane mode” will not make your phone fly.

Dear Boys, if you don’t look like Calvin Kelvin Models, don’t expect us to look like Victoria’s Secret Angels. Sincerely, Girls.

“Ok, I’m going to study now…” 3 Hours Later... “Ok, I’m going to study now…”

When I sit down in a field, I automatically start pulling grass.

“Do you have a pencil?” - “Nope.” - *looks down at bag of pencils* *laughs evilly*

Dear McDonald’s Cashier, don’t give me that look. There’s no age limit on the Happy Meal. And don’t forget the toy.

Laughing is the best medicine. But if you are laughing for no reason, you need medicine.

What light flickering means: 1% electrical problems, 99% demons.

Me: I’m actually happy right now. - Life: LOL, one sec.

Dear SpongeBob, you live in Bikini Bottom and you’re super absorbent. Sincerely, You’re A Tampon.

“You’re so ugly!” - “Really? I was trying to look like you today!”

I love driving behind old people. You get so much done: Eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner, read a book, write a book…

When someone starts telling you something but they end saying “Never mind”, so you’re like “TELL ME!”

“Don’t move. There’s something in your hair.” - “GET IT OFF!! GET IT OFF!! GET IT OOOOFFFFFF!!!!”

When you make an epic joke and everyone starts laughing and you just sit there with so much power.

When you see your photo on your ID card: EEEEEWWWWWWW!!!!

When you eat the rest of the good food in the fridge while everyone’s gone and you’re like: I’m not even sorry.

When someone is online but doesn’t reply to you: Alrighty then…

Liking your own status on Facebook is like giving yourself a high-five.

Dear Gangster, if you pulled your pants up a little bit higher, you could probably run faster from the cops.

Thanks to Facebook, I know what everyone’s bathroom looks like.

“This password is too weak…” - Me: “I DON’T CARE!!! I WANT THIS PASSWORD!!!”

When I exercise, I wear all black. It’s like a funeral for all my fat.

I don’t know about you, but I must fill every waffle square with syrup.

When you listen to your iPod on the street and you walk in time with the music.

Oh, wait a sec! I found your nose! It was all up in my business again.

When a white van pulls up near you: “…Are you trying to rape me, sir?”

Text message: ‘Haaay! Wutt r yew doin?!’ - ‘About to throw a dictionary at your face…’

When a little kid asks me how to do something and I don’t feel like explaining it: Magic!

Singing one line of a song all day because that’s all you remember…

When someone says your celebrity crush isn’t attractive: SHUT UP!!

When your friend isn’t at school: I hate you so much for leaving me with these idiots.

That moment when you talk to yourself and you start smiling like an idiot because you’re just so hilarious.

When a bug is outside the window: “Hello Mr. Bug.” When a bug is inside the window: “DIE, DIE, DIE!!!”

I’m not fat. My stomach is 3D.

There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding them down so they can’t get away.

Don’t bother to put your hand over my mouth to shut me up. I will lick you.

Mom three hours ago: We’ll leave in thirty minutes.

Parent: What did you learn today? Child: Apparently not enough, we have to go back tomorrow.

Dog’s Mind: Every snack you make, every meal you bake, every bite you take, I’ll be watching you.

Friend: Your parents are so nice! - Me: That’s because you’re here!

School: 2 plus 2 equals 4. Homework: 2 plus 4 plus 2 equals 8. Exam: Omar has four apples; his train is seven minutes early. Calculate the mass of the sun.

If we’re not allowed to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?

I never said I hate you. I said if you were on fire, I might consider roasting marshmallows. Big difference.

My teacher pointed at me and said: “There’s an idiot at the end of this stick!” I got detention for asking which end.

Once you hate someone, everything they do is so offensive: “Look at her! Eating those stupid crackers like she owns the place!”

Cleaning my room: 10% Cleaning, 30% Complaining, 60% Playing with the stuff I’ve found!

I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect.

Me looking at old pictures: “Why?” Me looking at old haircut: “Why?” Me looking at old clothes: “Why?” Me looking at old crush: “Why?”

Me: Hey Mom? Mom: WHAT?! Me: Never mind, you’re not in a good mood.

I love how in scary movies the person yells out ‘Hello?’ like the killer is going to be like ‘Yeah, I’m in the kitchen. Want a sandwich?’

Parents: “We need to talk.” Me: *millions of things run through my mind* ‘What did they find out about?!’ Parents: “Stop leaving the lights on.”

I hate when you’re eating chips and the crunching is louder than the TV.

Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair.

“My memory is so bad.” - “How bad is it?” - “How bad is what?”

When your friend leaves you alone with someone new: “So… What kind of stuff do you do?”

I have a Fanfiction life and a real life. Basically, I’m Hannah Montana.

When people see you lying down with your eyes closed and they have to ask “Are you sleeping?” - “No, I’m training to die.”

Admit it: You still use your hands to tell which way is left and right.

H.O.M.E.W.O.R.K. Half of my energy wasted on random knowledge

Facebook says we are “friends”. But trust me. I would not hesitate to punch you in the face.

Apple was considering making an iPod for kids but, apparently, the name iTouch Kids didn’t sit too well.

I’ve always wanted to turn around in a chair and say, “I’ve been expecting you.”

When your parents try to talk to you about your future and you’re just like: “Someday, I’ll be a beautiful butterfly.”

When I accidently step on my pet and I’m like “OH MY GOSH!! I’M SO SORRY!!” and they run away and I’m like “LET ME LOOOOVVVVE YOU!!!”

When I overhear my mom talking about me on the phone: “SAY THAT TO MY FACE, YOU LIMP NOODLE!!!”

Did you know if yell Bloody Mary 3 times at 3 a.m., your mom will show up, tell you to shut up and go to bed?

That awkward moment when everybody is so quiet and you and your friend are the only ones talking.

A Mother Over Text: “Hey Honey! You left your phone at home this morning! Just thought I’d let you know!” - “John? Did you get my message this morning?” - “Son?! Are you OK???” - “JOHN!!!” - “Why are you ignoring your MOTHER!? You are in big trouble!” - “Oh… Wait… I’m an idiot.”

When my friend asks “Wanna hear a secret?”: *grabs popcorn* Go on.

Friends Over Text: “Dude, are you throwing stones at my window? What do you have a phone for?” - “Ok, sorry, you’re right.” - “Did you just throw your phone at my window?!”

Mirror: OOO, you look good today! Camera: LOL, no!

A Girl and Boy Over Text: “So, I heard you like bad boys…” - “Yeah…” - “I’m not trying to impress you or anything but when Disney Channel asked me to go to their website with my parent’s permission, I didn’t.”

Talking on the phone with someone with kids is like talking to someone with Tourette’s: “Yeah, I’d love to have lunch – DON’T LICK THAT!! – Where do you want to eat?”

I hate when people see me at the supermarket are like: “Hey, what are you doing here?” And I’m like: “Oh, you know, hunting elephants.”

Having those weird conversations with your best friend that you know, if anyone heard, you’d both be put in a mental hospital.

Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking “Try not to act like a criminal. Try not to act like a criminal.”

Friend: I hate you! Me: Well, I hate you! Next day… Friend: Heeey! Me: Heeey!

Perks about the Easter Bunny: Brings candy and toys every year. Doesn’t watch your kids while they’re asleep or tries to kiss your wife.

You know you are desperate for an answer when you go to the second page of Google.

What is this ‘outdoors’ you speak of? It’s probably just a typo for indoors.

The number one search on Bing is Google.

Every mother on earth gave birth to a child. Except my mom. She gave birth to a legend. High-five mom.

Admit it. This is how we explain a conversation: “I was like – And she was like – THEN I WAS LIKE AND SHE WAS LIKE…!”

I am such a good cook that even the fire alarm cheers me on.

Three Facts About You: 1. You can’t say the letter ‘M’ without your lips touching. 2. You are trying to do that and realize you look like an idiot. 3. You are laughing at yourself.

“You ask.” - “No, you ask.” - “Will you please ask?” - “Why can’t you ask?” - “Fine… Hey, my FRIEND wants to ask you something!”

I love finding money in my clothes. It’s like finding a gift to me… From me.

Dear Math, I am sick and tired of finding your x. Just accept the fact that she is gone. JUST MOVE ON, DUDE.

Dear Math, I liked you a lot better before you and the alphabet hooked up. Sincerely, Student.

Lazy Rule: Can’t reach what I dropped, don’t need it.

I don’t understand the logic of why people write ‘lol’ after ‘hahaha’.

I won’t be impressed by technology until the day I can close out of the YouTube app and still hear the music.

At school, I risk my phones life to text you.

When people say “I can hear your music.” I’m like “So can I.”

Hearing noises when you’re home alone and accepting the fact you’re gonna die.

Adult: Do you know what college you’re going to go to? You: *sweats nervously* MONSTER UNIVERSITY.

I wonder if British people sit around and do American accents.

One Direction: “You don’t know you’re beautiful!” LMFAO: “I’m sexy and I know it!”

I hate when I forget to press send and I’m sitting there like an idiot waiting for a reply.

Dear Sleep, I know we had problems when I was younger but now I love you!

I always regret leaving my phone on “silent” when I can’t find it.

“Let’s watch a scary movie!” *hours later* “Dude, walk me to the bathroom.”

The uglier the snapshot, the tighter the friendship.

Putting your iPod on shuffle and then skipping through all of the songs to find a certain one.

Throwing things at people and then acting like it wasn’t you.

DEAR HATERS, I COULDN’T HELP BUT NOTICE THAT Awesome ends in ‘me’ and ugly starts with ‘u’.

5 kinds of fear: panic, terror, 15 missed calls from mom, “wrong password”, “We need to talk.”

That moment when you get a sweet text and you just keep sitting there, staring at the screen like a weirdo.

Phone on silent: 10 missed calls - Phone on loudest volume: nobody calls all day.

fire alarm* Teacher: Ok kids, everyone in a single file line… - Me: MOVE GRANDMA!!! I’M ABOUT TO DIE!!

missed call* - *calls back* - *no answer* What!? Did you die within three seconds?!

People who can plug a USB in on their first try must really have their life together.

How I end a class presentation: “So… Um… Yeah…”

When your teacher gives you a 20 minute lecture on not wasting time…

“Did you just fall?” - “No. I attacked the floor.” - “Backwards?” - “I know, I know. I’m talented like that.”

First day of school: 30 pencils, 64 crayons, 20 pens, 12 rulers, 10 notebooks. MIDDLE OF MARCH: 1 pencil you found on the ground.

Alarm Clocks: Because every morning should begin with a heart attack.

Slapping your friend when you get excited about something.

Always be positive. *trips down stairs* WHEW, I GOT DOWN THOSE STAIRS FAST!!

That awkward moment the entire class is silent and your stomach decides to make a dying whale sound.

Normal Person: I love it when my girlfriend/boyfriend tells me they love me! Me: I love it when the microwave tells me my food is done!

I remember when my best friend was quiet and shy. I created a monster.

WHAT IT SAYS: Do not touch. WHAT I READ: Touch when nobody is looking.

Me when I’m almost home: I can almost taste the internet…

“I need to stop.” I whispered as I clicked the next episode.

No teacher, I don’t know the answer. That’s why my hand wasn’t raised.

Yawning: Your body’s way of saying 10% battery left.

Real pain is having to wash your hair after a really good hair day.

That awkward moment you type a word so wrong that even auto-correct doesn’t know what you mean.

“What’s today?” - “Wednesday.” - “No, I meant like the number.”

That awkward moment when you’re at a friend’s house and their parents start screaming at them and you’re like… That’s a nice wall…

Funniest thing in class: Teacher cracks a joke. No one laughs.

Saying to your friend, “If we get caught, here’s the story…”

I don’t care how old I am! I still love cartoons!

“Hey, did you ask yet?” - “No, my mom’s in a bad mood.”

The walk of shame you have to take when you have to put something back in the store because your mom said “no”.

3 a.m. phone call* - “Hey, are you asleep?” - “Nooo, I’m skydiving.”

Roses are red. Bacon is red. Poems are hard. Bacon.

Sometimes, I throw my Spanish book in the air and say "AIIYYYOOOO!! NO COMPRENDO!!!"

“Hi, may I help you?” - “No, I waited in line 15 minutes to say hi.”

1 new message: Runs for phone, jumps over sofa, runs a marathon, swims Atlantic Ocean, pushes mom out of way, grabs phone… “K.”

If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a magical boat that saves people.

Ok, I’m getting out of bed in ten seconds. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9…

In math, I use this thing called the ‘Guess and Hope Method’.

Mom: Why is your room always so messy? Me: So that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die.

“Mom, look!” - “Oh that’s great sweetie!” - “Oh, that’s cool how you saw it without looking.”

When I lose: Who cares?! It’s only a game!! When I win: HAHAHAHA!!!! IN YOUR FACE!!!

I’ll call it a “smartphone” the day I say “DANG IT!! WHERE IS MY PHONE!!?” and it answers “I’m here! Under your jacket!”

Some girls need to learn to not put on so much makeup. Your face is not a coloring book.

So if guns kill people, I suppose pencils misspell words, cars drive drunk, and spoons make people fat.

“FBI, open the door!” - “No, it’s cooler when you break in.”

When you trust a bank with your money, but they won’t trust you with their pens.

Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly at the age of 25. YOU DON’T SAY?!?!

At what age is it appropriate that I should tell my dog he’s adopted?

I let some blind guy borrow money the other day. He said he was gonna pay me back the next time he saw me. Wait…

Someday, I’m gonna make the onion cry.

I’m not weird. I’m limited edition.

He broke her heart. She broke his Xbox. We all know who cried harder.

Pizza is the only love triangle I want.

Bumping into something and screaming “Ouch!” even though it didn’t hurt.

Dear Crush, don’t be scared if a fat guy in a red suit snatches you from your bedroom on Christmas Eve. Sincerely, You Were On My Wish List.

Math Teacher: I have five bottles in one hand and six in the other. What do I have? Student: A drinking problem.

Me: *sneeze* Class: *silent* Popular person: *sneeze* Class: GOD BLESS YOU, LORD JESUS LET GOD PROTECT YOU FROM THAT SNEEZE!! AMEN!!!

walks upstairs* Me: Why am I up here? *walks downstairs* Me: Oh, now I remember…

Mom: Clean your room, family’s coming over. Me: Oh, I’m sorry; I didn’t realize the gathering would be held in my bedroom.

Me about to talk in public: *rehearses what I’m going to say 50 times* Me: Today, how you are.

“Be strong.” I whispered to my Wi-Fi signal.

I hate it when I’m in the dark and my brain says “Hey, you know what we haven’t thought about in a while?” Monsters.

I was singing a song… You joined in… I don’t want to sing it anymore…

SON OF A B…iisccuitt. Hi, mom…

The next time someone walks out of my room without shutting the door, I’m going to sing “I knew you were trouble when you walked in.”

Teacher: If you have ten chocolate cakes, and someone asks for two, how many do you have left? Me: Ten. Teacher: Ok, well, what if someone forcibly takes two of the cakes? How many do you have left then? Me: Ten and a dead body.

2014: Cool story, bro. 1886: Interesting tale, my fine companion.

Me: Yes Mom, I understand! *two minutes later* Wait, what did she want me to do again?

Me: Holà! Como estas? Spanish guy: *speaks mad fast Spanish* Me: Dude, chill. Dora didn’t teach me that yet!

I hate when waiter’s ask, “Are you done with that?” when the plate is completely empty. Like, nah, I’m gonna eat the plate too.

Cool things always happen when I don’t have a camera.

“Rawr” does not mean “I love you” in dinosaur. Have you seen Jurassic Park? It means “I’m going to eat you!”

Things NOT to do at a funeral: 1) Yell out YOLO. 2) Tell old people “You’re next.” 3) Take a picture of the coffin and tag them on Facebook. 4) Wear a rainbow tux and claim you put the “fun” in “funeral.” 5) Whisper “I see dead people.”

That awkward moment when you spell a word correctly, but it looks so wrong you stare at it forever questioning its existence.

Don’t pick me. Don’t pick me. *teacher calls your name*

That awkward moment when you wake up from a five minute nap and you have no idea what day, month, or year it is.

My handwriting varies… Page 1: Excellent. Page 10: Fine. Page 20: Language change.

Me: “Mom… Dad… I have decided to live on my own from now on.” Them: “Ok, cool.” Me: “Your bags are outside.”

looks at mirror* You again…

How I view dogs: German Shepard, Poodle, Maltese, Labrador. How I view cats: Cat, cat, cat, cat…

I think my iPhone is broken. I pressed the home button and I’m still at school.

Friend: “A COCKROACH!!!” Me: “Calm down, it’s just a roach.” *Cockroach opens wings* Me: “RUUUUUNNNNN!!!!”

Having a Fanfiction is like living another life.

When my iPod is on shuffle: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, yes.

Whenever I see “write one interesting fact about yourself.”, I immediately forget everything that I’ve ever done.

If your friends don’t make fun of you, they’re not your friend.

Writing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. It. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma.

That crazy five seconds when you stand up too fast and you either go blind or get extremely dizzy.

Dear iPod, when I put you on shuffle, I meant play all my favorite songs. Sincerely, Skip, skip, skip, skip.

WHEN YOU’RE ANGRY AND YOUR TEXTING INCREASES BY A RIDICULOUS AMOUNT.

Simon says jump! Very good! But Simon didn’t say land, so you’re all out.

Flipping your pillow over to the cold, fresh side.

12 a.m.: I’m hungry.

‘Shall we go?’ - ‘Yeah.' …No one moves.

Cool story Mom. Don’t tell it again.

If you and your friend don’t have those small gay moments, I can tell your friendship is going to end soon.

Best friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people, together.

In school, the only thing group projects taught me was that I hate other people.

That awkward moment when a film says “based on a true story”, it gets ten times scarier.

That freaky moment when someone starts singing the song you were singing in your head.

Friend: Hey, who wants to start a gang? Me: I’ll ask my mom. ... My mom wants to talk to your mom just to make sure it’s ok.

Saying the entire alphabet because you can’t remember the next letter.

Dear Tom the Cat, Ii’s been 30 years and you still haven’t caught Jerry. Sincerely, You Need To Move On…

Whenever you walk into the doctor’s office and they ask what’s wrong and you immediately turn to your mom and she starts explaining.

That extremely annoying moment when you’re behind a slow walker and there’s no way around them.

That awkward moment when your computer is already super slow and you accidently click open another program.

Everybody has a boyfriend or girlfriend and I’m just sitting here like “I love food.”

I’m so good at sleeping; I can do it with my eyes closed.

I like to talk to someone for hours and not get bored of them.

Cool story, bro. Wanna hear mine? It’s a fairytale. Once upon a time, nobody cared. The end.

Teacher: From all this talking, I assume you’re done. You: From all this complaining, I assume you’re single.

Ways to die: Steal my food…

That awkward moment when you remember something but you don’t know if it was a dream or reality.

Me: *does weird things when home alone* I bet there’s cameras…

I love being in that mood where everything is hilarious.

Got so bored, logged off. Then logged back on because I got bored.

Dear High School Movies, please start hiring actors that are high-school age. Sincerely, You’re Not Fooling Anyone.

When I get the answer correct and the smart kid didn’t, I feel like a boss.

Right before I die, I’m going to tell someone “I left a million dollars in the…”

It took Harry Potter 7 long books to catch the bad guys but it took Scooby-Doo twenty-five minutes.

Dear Schools, how is being suspended a punishment for skipping class? Sincerely, Students.

Charging your phone five minutes before you leave as if it would make a difference.

“A, B, C, or D? Well, I haven’t had B for, like, four questions so I’ll choose that.”

That moment when someone who creates drama complains that they hate drama.

The best feeling is waking up in the middle of the night and realizing you have hours left of sleep.

That moment when your pet falls asleep on your lap.

That amazing feeling you get when you crawl back into your warm bed.

Whenever I paint my fingernails, it lasts four days but when I paint my toes, it lasts for, like, six years. I don’t understand.

Dear Microsoft Word, I’m pretty sure I spelled my name correctly.

That moment of panic when your mom leaves you standing in the store line and you’re like: WHAT IF SHE DOESN’T COME BACK IN TIME AND THEY ASK ME TO PAY?!

That moment when you want to laugh but it’s inappropriate.

Dear Google, thanks for doing most of my homework. Love, Me.

I hate it when my body is like “Sneeze!” and then like “Just kidding.”

That awkward moment when you’re actually telling the truth but then you laugh and everyone thinks you’re lying.

That moment when the only thing you know on a test is your name.

That amazing moment when you drop your phone but the headphones saves its life.

Doing something weird and then thinking “This is why I’m not in a relationship.”

Why I don’t look out the window at night: 1% I’m afraid of the night, 99% I’m afraid I’ll see a face looking at me.

That moment when you close your eyes to apply shampoo and then get paranoid that someone is going to kill you in the shower.

Seeing a spider is nothing. It becomes a problem when it disappears.

The death of a dog in a movie makes me sadder than the death of a human character.

Dear Face Wash Commercials, nobody splashes their face with water with their eyes open and smiling. Sincerely, My Whole Dang Bathroom Floor Is Wet

That moment when you try reading a text while you’re half-asleep and it’s like looking into the frikkin sun.

I swear, microwave minutes are longer than regular minutes.

That moment of fame when your name is in a Math problem.

I can memorize song lyrics easily but I can’t remember anything from school.

I never get to use an eraser completely because it’s always lost, stolen, or broken in half.

“Don’t talk to strangers.” Well, how am I supposed to make friends?!

That awkward moment when you can’t read your own handwriting.

“Someone likes you.” - “Who?” - “I can’t say.” - “Then why did you bring it up!?”

Teacher leaves room during test* Elementary: Psst, can I borrow a pencil? High School: WHAT’S NUMBER 1?!

Nothing brings two people closer together than hatred for a third person.

I love that kid that argues with the teacher and entertains the entire class.

Sleepover fact: The later it gets, the more the truth comes out.

That awesome moment when the teacher thinks you weren’t listening and you prove them wrong.

Laughing uncontrollably with your best friend over something stupid.

That one song on your iPod that plays really loudly and scares you to death.

When the teacher erases the board and sloppily leaves that one mark and you go a little insane.

“Hey cool! It bends!” *snap* “DANG IT!!!”

Drawing an arrow at the bottom of the page to let the teacher know there’s more on the other side.

Don’t tell me to calm down. It makes me want to rip your face off and shove it down a toilet.

“I didn’t do it!” - “Then why are you laughing!” - “Because whoever did it is a frikkin genius!”

Math Problem: If Jim has fifty chocolate bars and eats forty five of them, what does he have? Answer: Diabetes. Jim has diabetes.

I write the wrong date on my homework to make it look like I did it on time.

That moment when you have to use the bathroom in the middle of the night and that hallway is suddenly the most terrifying thing in the world.

“Mom, make me some food?” - “Get it yourself!” - “Never mind. I’m not hungry.”

“No iPods in school.” Yeah, like Eminem is going to rap me the answers.

Me: Okay, it’s seven a.m. I should get up. Just five seconds. Five minutes. Five hours. Five days. Five years.

No matter how old I am, if I see an open swing, I will run for it.

Dear Sidewalk, please grow in width. Why are you so narrow? Sincerely, the Third Friend.

5 days of school, 2 days of weekend. 10 months of school, 2 months of summer. Who the freak divided this up?!

Not being able to finish a sentence because you’re laughing too hard about the end.

“Do me a favor?” - “Do I have to get up?” - “Yes…” - “Then no.”

If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money, I’d laugh and search with them.

People keep telling me the right person will come along. Honestly, I think that person got hit by a truck.

I’m in a serious relationship with my Wi-Fi. You could say we have a “connection”.

I die a little inside when I see the word “explain” on a test.

When you’re so bored you alternate closing your left and right eye to see how an object changes places.

“Oh my gosh! You have grown so much! I remember when you were just a baby!” - “Who the freak are you?”

Walking into your room saying “Wow, I should clean this.” And then walking out.

“I’m going out, Mom.” - “With your friends?” - “No Mom, with terrorists.”

Me: *breathes* Mom: I am so sick of your attitude!

Having unlimited texting and no one to text.

Checking your phone to see what time it is and then checking it again because the first time you weren’t paying attention.

That moment you’re in a really bad mood and your parents won’t stop annoying you.

When people say “When I was little…” I say “I still do that.”

I have to sleep with a blanket. No matter how hot the room.

Don’t text me while I’m in the middle of texting you. I have to change my whole text.

My favorite kind of people are the ones that can make an unfunny joke hilarious by laughing.

When I see you, I am happy. I love you not for what you look like, but what’s inside you. -Me to my fridge

Unless your name is Google, stop acting like you know everything!

Things that Annoy Me: 1) People. 2) Slow Wi-Fi. 3) Homework. 4) School. 5) Drama. 6) School. 7) Low battery. 8) School. 9) And you know… School

Dear Toilet, please flush! Please flush! Please flush! Please flush! Please flush! Sincerely, At A Friend’s House

No dog should ever be homeless. No home should be dog-less.

Child: Mom, I love you! Mom: I love you too! Teenager: Mom, I love you! Mom: -.- What do you want?

during math test* My answer: 28 Answer choices: 17, 19, 26, 36. Me: “Well, 26 is close to 28, so that must be the answer.”

Me: I’m a ninja! Friend: No, you’re not. Me: Did you see that?! Friend: See what? Me: Exactly.

“Mom, can I…” - “Go ask your father.” - “Dad, can I…” - “Go ask your mother.”

Teacher: “Imagine you were in a world of dinosaurs and a dinosaur was about to eat you, what would you do?” Me: “Easy, stop imagining.”

I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. “Alright, get in the basket.”

Blanket on: Too hot. Blanket off: Too cold. One leg out: Perfect

“Is there going to be food?” - “Yeah.” - “Then I’m coming!”

We need a universal hand gesture for “My parents don’t know about that.”

My mom told me to clean my room while she’s gone. She’s back. OH CRAP!!!

‘Bathtub’ spelled backwards is still ‘bathtub’. ... No, it’s not. But for a minute there, you believed me.

Hey Google! Why don’t you let me finish what I’m typing before you start guessing after one letter? Little cocky, aren’t we?

I’m a leader, not a follower. Unless we’re in the dark. Then forgot that, you’re going first!

Dear family, thanks for putting empty boxes back in the pantry. Nothing like disappointment for breakfast.

“Ok, ok, I’m serious now.” *silence* *bursts out laughing*

People: You’re really quiet… Me: Nobody plans a murder out loud.

I’m not even on drugs! I’m just weird!

I hate mosquitoes! I know I’m delicious but dang!

When I’m at home on a school day, I look at the clock and think: “Haha! Those suckers are in math class!”

You look at a teacher’s hand, see a ring, and think: “Who would marry YOU?”

Boyfriend over text: ‘Hey Babe. You were amazing last night. You have a very talented pair of lips. ;)’ - ‘This is Abby’s dad.’ - ‘AMAZING AT KARAOKE!! WOW, SHE SURE CAN SING!! YOU GOT A TALENTED GIRL, MR. GILLIANS!!’ - ‘I know. She’s just an amazing singer. I think she’s got real potential. I think it’s great you agree!’

I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of a plane.

Sitting at Home: “Oh cool, it’s raining.” Sitting in School: “HEY LOOK! IT’S RAINING!!”

When I was a kid, vampires and werewolves were scary. Now everyone wants to date them.

Expectation: I studied last night! This test should be easy! Reality: I studied last night. What the freak is this?

Saying “Oh yeah, I remember!” when you don’t.

Leaving your house and then half way there, you realize you forgot something.

Old people at weddings always poke me and say “You’re next.” So I do the same thing to them at funerals.

Random Text: ‘Dude, are you ready to party!’ - ‘Ummm, who is this?’ - ‘Oh, sorry.Wrong number. Bye.’ - ‘But I want to party…’

Text: ‘I want you back.’ - ‘3 words, 8 letters. Say it and I’m yours.’ - ‘I got food?’ - ‘…You know me so well…’

“Hey Taxi!” - “Hey Walker!”

All my life, I thought air was free. Until I bought a bag of chips.

That moment when you are telling a lie and your best friend notices and joins in.

PUSH. If that doesn’t work: PULL. If that doesn’t work: We’re closed.

When your parents leave you home alone: Time to teach the neighbors what good music is.

When I’m about to lose at anything: ‘DANG IT!! If I lose, I burn this house down!’

Why do we need algebra? Finding X is only useful if you’re a pirate.

1% battery left and you run like a ninja for your charger.

You just realized. Silence is golden. Unless you have a toddler. Then silence is suspicious.

Oh, you were born in 1999? Please tell me how you miss the 90s!

Teacher: You think that’s funny! Me: Of course I do. That’s why I laughed.

Love is in the air? Wrong. Nitrogen, oxygen, and carbon dioxide are in the air.

I’m going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

During school: What day is it? Friday, November 7th, 2012, 11:40 P.M. During Summer: What day is it? Probably June.

Parent’s logic: It’s 8 am on Saturday. I think I’ll vacuum.

when my name’s in a math problem* Class: *stares at me* Me: That’s right, fools. I bought sixty watermelons.

Attractive person: Hi. Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?

at the end of the exam* Teacher: PUT YOUR PEN DOWN!! Me: Relax! It’s a pen, not a gun!

When I comfort my friends… Friends: *pokes with broom* There, there… Best friends: *slaps them* PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER!!!

Admit it. We’ve all tried keeping a diary and failed.

Disagreeing with someone just to TICK THEM OFF!!!

When you look up song lyrics and realize you’ve been singing it wrong the whole time.

It’s so cute when you talk to someone a lot and you notice your phrases slowly slipping into their vocabulary.

You said it was a long story but you told me and it took ten seconds.

Ghost hunter: Are you trying to communicate with us? *door creaks* Ghost Hunter: So your name is William.

When someone borrows my computer and I forgot to erase the browser history: Good Lord, I think I’m going to pass out.

When people criticize your obsession with fictional characters: We shall have a magnificent tea party and you’re not invited.

Before my shower: I don’t want to get in. In my shower: I don’t want to get out.

Dear mosquitoes, first of all… HOW DARE YOU!!!?

My first thought when my alarm clock goes off: *in demonic voice* WHO DARE DISTURBS MY SLUMBER!!??

That moment when you’re eating cereal and the last four pieces are like: Come catch me, fool!

Dear “cool people”, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Sincerely, “Nerds”

Me? Normal? HOW DARE YOU CALL ME THAT?!?!?

7 extra minutes of sleep in the morning seriously does matter…

If my alarm is set to six and you wake me up at five-fifty-eight: PREPARE. TO. DIE.

“You look pretty today.” - “DID I LOOK UGLY YESTERDAY??!?!”

If the camera lens is a circle then why are the pictures square?

When you’re showing your friend a video on YouTube and you’re constantly checking their face to make sure they’re enjoying it.

“Can I go to the bathroom?” - “What for?” - “TO OPEN THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS!! WHAT DO YOU THINK?!?”

When you were a kid playing tag and you saw the person that was it come up behind your friend and you were like: RUN, FOOL, RUUUNNNNN!!!!

Yes, I dance in my car. Yes, I see you staring. No, I do not care.

Flirting: Regular people: What’s up, cutie? Me: So… You like cheese?

When someone calls your best friend their best friend: Excuse me, who are you?

“This is not an assignment you can do the night before.” Challenge accepted.

Fool, I will DJ at your funeral if you keep that up.

When I grow up, I’m going to put a store by Forever 21 and call it Finally 22.

“We’re going to stay up all night!” - “HECK YEAH!!” *two hours later* “Dude, I’m tired.”

When you’re playing hide and seek and they’re about to find you.

When illegally downloaded music is low quality: This isn’t what I didn’t pay for!!

I have never seen a yellow duck in my entire life.

That feeling of EPICNESS when you draw a wicked straight line without a ruler.

I have so many things to do… I’ll take a nap.

Student: Can I use the bathroom? Teacher: You should’ve gone during the break. Student: I’m sorry but I don’t have a pee schedule.

Giving your best friend “the look” when the teacher says “ok, pick a partner.”

When you predict something and it actually happens.

I want a cute, long relationship where everyone’s like “Dang, they’re still together?”

How to screw up a knock-knock joke: COME IN!!!

Next time a stranger talks to me alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”

Everything magically appears when your mom looks for it.

When my friend says “I don’t think I can eat all of this”: I think I may be of service.

You’re one year older than me. Don’t act like I’m five.

School is killing us. Textbooks are made from paper. Paper is made of trees. Trees give us oxygen. We need oxygen. Therefore, school is killing us.

When you introduce someone to a show and they tell you their favorite character is someone you know is going to die.

“So, tell me about yourself.” What do I say?! WHO AM I?!?!

Dear radio, DO YOU HAVE TO PLAY A SONG I LIKE WHEN I GET TO MY DESTINATION?!

mom yells your name* You: Yes?!?! *silence* You: YES?!?! *silence* You: *groans and gets up to see what she wants*

Me every five minutes in a movie: This is my favorite part!

Today’s kids will never know the feeling of slamming a phone shut after an argument. Now all you can do is poke the screen in an angry rage.

I automatically start swinging my feet like a little kid when I sit in a chair that’s too tall for me.

When I close my eyes for five minutes and wake up two hours later…

Buy a ship, name it relation. There, you have a relationship.

That moment when the package says “easy open” and you end up using scissors, a knife, a hammer, a gun, and a light saber to open it.

When I fill out applications, I always write ‘911’ for my emergency contact.

Brace yourself… The teacher picked a slow reader.

First month of school: Look and dress nice. Rest of the year: Rockin’ the homeless look.

Studying

“Oh my gosh! I’m so ugly!” Yes, that’s why you have 197 photos of yourself in an album named ‘Me’.

When someone says “expect the unexpected”, slap them and say “you didn’t expect that, did you?”

I don’t know why you’re complaining about your appearance. Your personality is even worse.

I dream of a better world where chickens can cross road without having their motives questioned.

Women are like volcanoes. Both stay calm for extended periods of time before exploding and killing everything in their path. Then they’re calm again.

I almost showed up at work today with a positive attitude but then sarcasm stepped in and saved the day.

Thanks for calling to tell me you just sent me an email.

Don’t like me? Cool, I don’t wake up every day to impress you.

Oh, I’m sorry. Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?

Thanks so much for that update about your super busy life. Nobody has ever gone to work, the gym, and made dinner all in one day. How do you do it?

I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments, and sheer lack of common decency that you and I can be best friends!

I would like to apologize to anyone I have not offended. Please be patient. I will get to you shortly.

If you don’t have anything nice to say, say it sarcastically.

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say… “Hey look! That one’s shaped like an idiot!”

When your ex says “You’ll never find anyone like me.” reply with “That’s the point.”

My headphones are in. Stop talking to me.

I’m allergic to stupidity so I break out in sarcasm.

Zombies are looking for brains. Don’t worry. You’re safe.

Good morning, world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has just arrived!

Oh, you have swag? I bet that looks good on your resume!

I’m not insulting you! I’m describing you!

If you don’t want a sarcastic answer, don’t ask a stupid question.

And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all the corners of the world. Then he made the earth round… And laughed and laughed and laughed…

One does not simply brush off glitter.

Why are you late? I don’t want to hear your excuses.

I noticed you fast forward your DVR up to five speed. I, too, like to live dangerously.

Just learned to tie my shoe. Now I have to do it myself the rest of my life.

Volleyball is just a really intense version of ‘don’t let the balloon touch the floor’.

Do I have a date for Valentine’s day? Yes. February 14th.

Why doesn’t someone invent a clear toaster? So you can see how toasted your toast is while it’s toasting.

Dear Vegetarians, if you’re trying to save the animals, why are you eating their food?

“I’ll have Coke please.” - “Is Pepsi ok?” - “Is Monopoly money ok?!?!”

Maybe tailgating this car will make the guy three cars ahead go faster.

I don’t always make sense but when I do, I don’t.

In kindergarten, anyone with the sixty-four color pack with the sharpener ran the class!!

“One day, you’ll be happy you could go to school.” - “But it is not this day!”

I went on Google earth today! Whose car was that in your driveway June 6th, 2008?

A jealous woman does better research than the FBI.

Dear Millionaires, if you don’t have a bookcase that spins into another room, give me your money. You’re spending it wrong.

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars. …where you will be forced to drift aimlessly farther into the vast, empty abyss of space until a lack of food, water, and oxygen causes you to succumb to death’s cold embrace. Sweet dreams, kiddo.

I don’t always say something stupid. But when I do, I keep talking to make it worse.

That moment when you find extra fries in the bottom of the bag.

When a friend says they’re not hungry at McDonalds but then asks you for some fries and you’re like: You get NOTHING!!

Random Text: ‘Who are you? Someone changed all my contact names.’ - ‘What did they change my name to?’ - ‘Batman.’ - ‘DON’T CHANGE IT BACK!!’ - ‘But who the freak are you?' - ‘I’m Batman! NA NANANANA NA!!’

I was expelled from school on pajama day… Not my fault I sleep naked.

The biggest lie I tell myself is: “I don’t need to write it down. I’ll remember it.”

MATH: Mental Abuse To Humans

I hate when websites are like “Are you human?” No, I’m a vacuum.

It doesn’t matter how old you are. If the balloon is about to hit the floor, you dive for it, fool.

We all have that one friend… 1) That acts like they haven’t seen you in forever every time you see them. 2) That acts innocent, but isn’t. 3) Who brings up a mistake you did years ago. 4) Who shouldn’t be allowed to cross the street on their own.

Dear Girls, if a guy pauses his video game to text you back, marry him.

Every kid today wants to be Batman, Superman, or Spiderman. Personally, I blame the parents. If parents were better at parenting, kids wouldn’t want to be orphans.

Superman: Maybe I could move the earth out of the way. Batman: If I had a week, I couldn’t list all the reasons why that wouldn’t work.

Text: ‘Hey, what would you do if I broke up with you right now?’ - ‘I’d go back to my ex.’ - ‘THAT’S IT!! WE’RE DONE!! Shows you care more about her than me! Looks like I wasted my time!’ - ‘Hey… Want to go back out?’ - ‘I thought you said you’d go back to your ex…?’ - ‘You are my ex…’

You couldn’t handle me even if I came with instructions.

People say you can’t live without love… Well I think oxygen is more important.

Naptime: 3 years old: I DON’T WANNA!!! College: Praise the Lord.

Teacher: Would you like to share that with the class? Student: Obviously not, that’s why I whispered it.

I’m so full. But I’m so hungry.

Flynn Rider: The only Disney character to ever question why people sing randomly.

ETC. End of Thinking Capacity.

Laughing so hard, no noise coming out, so you sit there clapping like a retarded seal.

If someone points at you, laughs, and then calls you a loser in front of everyone, here’s what you say: “I’m sorry, but you’ve mistaken me for your mirror.”

You: Hey, remember that time when… *mom walks in* You: I’ll tell you later.

Exams: To your friends: I AM GOING TO FAIL!!! To your parents: It was easy.

Google Search Genius: What would happen if I hire two private investigators to follow each other?

Friends are like trampolines. I’ve always wanted a trampoline.

High school looks so much cooler on TV.

That ‘kill me’ moment when you think you’re done with the dishes and you turn around and there are more pots.

‘Now that the spider bit me, am I going to turn into Spiderman?’ ‘No, you are going to die.’

Thinking someone is waving at you and you wave back like a loser.

When a song comes on and you instantly think you’re a drummer.

When someone insults you but you don’t have a witty comeback: You smell funny.

When someone takes so long during their presentation that you don’t have to do yours.

Me watching a funny movie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Mom watching the same movie: *silent*

Seeing your ex with someone uglier than you. Awesome.

When someone erases the board while you’re taking notes.

Dude, chill. It’s P.E. Not the Olympics.

When you lose track of how long it was when you got on FanFiction: It was night and now it is day!!

When you give someone advice and they don’t listen and everything you predicted that would happen actually does.

When your parents don’t appreciate the hilarious child they were blessed with.

“I LOVE THIS SONG!!!” meaning I’m going to play it over and over until it gets annoying.

When I post something that gets 0 notes: Are you not entertained?!

“What time is it?” - “There’s a clock right there.” - “Did I ask you where the clock was?”

When someone asks if they can have some of your food: *licks it* …still want some?

You never really know someone until you play Uno and the fool hits you with a plus four card.

That moment when you wake up at 3 a.m. and you’re like: What the freak happened to my pillow?

There are three levels of pain. 1) Pain. 2) Excruciating pain. 3) Stepping on a Lego

I can’t stand when people say a baby’s age after a year. The parents is like “Oh yeah, he’s 98 months.” I’m like: “Really, fool, really?”

Admit it, at some point you tried to see if you have superpowers.

That sad moment when you lose a chip in the dip, so you send in a recon chip and that one breaks too.

At least once in your life, you’ve tried to drink out of your bowl like a dog.

When you’re doing an essay late at night: *passes out and falls off chair*

When a teacher grades your paper and writes a note in cursive: What does that say?!?

Do you do marathons? - Yes, all the time, which show?

When my pet runs away when I’m trying to pet them: Why do you hate me when I show you nothing but love?!?!

When someone catches you in a lie: *knocks something over and runs away*

Giving gum to a friend is like a drug deal. You didn’t hear anything, see anything, and you didn’t get it from me.

Me: “Should I get in trouble for something I didn’t do?” Teacher: “No.” Me: “Good, because I didn’t do my homework.”

“WHO THE FREAK TOOK MY…oh…Here it is…”

I don’t have bad handwriting. I have my own font.

Why is Monday so far away from Friday but Friday is so close to Monday?

You know you made a good pun when everyone gets ticked off.

When the substitute teacher calls out your name and pronounces it wrong: That’s not my name!!

Hand sanitizer: Helping you discover cuts you never knew you had.

Interrupt my sleep and I’ll interrupt your breathing.

When a boy gets jealous, it’s kinda cute. But when a girl gets jealous, World War III is about to start.

That awkward moment when your crush asks who your crush is.

That awkward moment when you’re talking about someone and then they show up.

Doing things because it says not to.

When you’re thinking to yourself and laugh because you’re just so funny.

When your friends make fun of you: HAHAHAHAHA, SHUT UP!!!

When you get that random chill for no reason: *spasm*

If I was a teacher, I would find out who likes who and then make sure they’re always paired up.

“Hey, remember when you had a crush on-” - “SHUT UUUPPPPP!!!!”

When someone tries to make a move on your crush: AW HECK NO!!!!

When your crush walks into the room and you look at your friend and are like: “I’ll kill you.”

When your crush says hi to you: *hyperventilates*

Crush: “Hey.” You: *retard mode, activated*

Thinking that if you lean side to side with your controller, it will help you turn.

When I introduce my friend to a band I like and they tell me they like them: *starts blubbering*

When I try being smooth in front of my crush: *trip*

When the person you like calls or texts you unexpectedly: *starts dancing*

Friends won’t let you be crazy…alone.

That face you make when you’re singing your favorite part of the song…

When I’m hungry and someone asks me for some of my food: I ain’t givin’ you nothing!

When your friend finally understands a joke: *claps sarcastically*

I do my best proofreading after I hit send.

That moment when you get a better grade than expected.

When you’re on the phone and you start doing random things.

When you were a kid and you rushed to the TV for your favorite show.

Your face when you see your friend with their crush.

You call it “road rage”. I call it “aggressively maneuvering around morons that don’t know how to frikkin drive”.

I like food and sleep. If I give you my food or text you all night, you’re special to me.

Dude, if you look in the mirror with your eyes shut, you can see what you look like when you’re asleep.

The first to finish the test at school: ‘Oh my gosh! He knows everything!’ At college: ‘Haha! He knows nothing!’

Teacher: Now just write these notes while I stand in front of it. “I’m not going to teach this. You’ll learn it next year.” Next year: “I’m going to skip this. You should remember it from last year.”

That moment when you realize you did have homework.

Children must always wear a seatbelt. Except if you put 50 of them in one vehicle.

When I say I miss school, I mean I miss my friends and the fun. Not the school.

I had class at 8 a.m. in high school all the time. I can do it in college. In college: I have never been so wrong in my life.

Paragraphs should be five to eight sentences long. Five sentences it is.

‘Why do I hear people talking?’ - ‘Maybe because you have ears!’

If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s about a shark who throws up people that have to open a beach.

Rule of Math: If it seems easy, you’re doing it wrong.

Dear School, I miss you, said no one ever.

Beep, beep, beep. Here’s that hot bowl with cold food you wanted.

Teacher: Where is your math homework? You: It committed suicide, had too many problems.

‘You must read the book. You can’t watch the movie. No one has ever fooled me.’ - ‘Challenge accepted.’

Brace yourself. Homework is coming.

One does not simply use paint without putting on an apron.

Thinking about how teachers said in elementary school learning cursive writing was important and that we would use it our entire lives: YOU LIAR!!!!

When my teacher wishes me good luck before a test: Thanks, Satan.

‘Why are you talking in the middle of my class?’ - ‘Why are you teaching in the middle of my conversation?’

Be prepared! Parent teacher conferences are upon us!

That moment when you walk into a spider web and automatically turn into a karate master.

Text: ‘Hey My Lady, it’s been three years since we were together! That’s really long! What should we do?’ - ‘Something really fun.’ - ‘That involves us under the sheets.’ - “WITH GLOWSTICKS!!!’ - ‘TRADING POKEMON TOYS!!!’ - ‘THIS IS WHY I LOVE YOU!! MARRY ME!!’

I’m warning you. Don’t mess with me. I know Kung Fu, Karate, Judo, Tae Kwan Do, Jujitsu, and twenty-eight other dangerous words!

You only live once? False. You live every day. You only die once.

I may be wrong… But I doubt it.

My fake plants died because I forgot to pretend watering them.

That moment when you miss one step on the stairs and you think you’re going to die.

Some say the glass if half full, others say the glass is half empty. I say, “Are you going to drink that?”

Money talks… But all mine ever says is “goodbye.”

When people have a baby: Normal people: Congratulations! Me: They had… sex.

Love your enemies. It messes with their minds.

Irony (n.) Drawing trees on paper.

If your thighs touch, you are one step closer to becoming a mermaid.

Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood.

“Nervous?” - “A little bit…” - “Your first time?” - “No, I’ve been nervous before.” *face-palm*

yawn* Oh no... Keep talking... I always yawn when I'm interested.

When something goes wrong in life, just yell "PLOT TWIST!!" and move on.

Accidently laughing at something that's serious.

I am fluent in three languages... English, Sarcasm, and Profanity.

I was hoping for a battle of wits but you seem unarmed.

I've been single for awhile now and I have to say, it's going very well. Like... It's working out. I think I'm the one.

I saw that. -Karma

A clear conscience is usually a sign of memory loss. -Steven Write

The long, sarcastic laugh you make before you say "no."

Homework. Because 7 hours of school wasn't enough.

"Breathe in the ocean." - "Last time I checked, that's called drowning."

A Sign: ‘This Door is Alarmed.’ A Sticky-Note: ‘What startled it?’

You appear to be lost in thought… I know it’s unfamiliar territory for you. Shall I send a search party?

Oh, so you drink Starbucks? How intellectually enlightened you must be…

I’m awkward when people compliment me… Person: “Oh, you’re hair looks nice.” Me: “Thanks, grew it myself…”

8 planets, 204 countries, 809 islands, 7 seas, 6,000,000,000 people, and I’m single…

That fail moment when you pull your blankets up and accidently punch yourself in the face.

I want to be the reason you look down and smile at your phone. Then run into a pole.

My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like “I know, right?!”

A man came to my door and asked me if I could donate to the local swimming pool. And I came back with a glass of water.

I can’t take this long distance relationship anymore. Fridge, you’re coming to my room.

My friend thinks he’s smart. He said the only food that can make you cry is an onion. So I threw a coconut at his face.

BACON. ...Admit it. For a minute there, all your problems went away.

“Hey, I had a dream about you.” - “Aww, really?” - “Yeah, you died.”

In bed, it’s six AM. You close your eyes for five minutes and it’s seven forty-one. At work, it’s one thirty. You close your eyes for five minutes and it’s one thirty-one.

When a woman says “what?”, it’s not cause she didn’t hear you. She’s giving you a chance to change what you said.

If women could read minds, every second a man would get slapped.

I meant to behave but there were too many other options.

My wallet is like an onion. When I open it, it makes me want to cry.

Sometimes I listen to stranger’s conversations and mentally give my opinion.

“Username or password incorrect.” Well at least tell me which one.

“Don’t forget, you are what you eat.” - “I need to eat a skinny person.”

I’m a female. Fe = Iron. Male = Man. Therefore, I am Iron Man.

With great power comes a great electricity bill.

Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians. Help end the violence.

Watching a horror movie with friends: “It’s so fake!” - “I know!” Watching a horror movie alone: “It’s not real, it’s not real, it’s not real, it’s not real…”

“Don’t slice the pizza! My diet says I can only have one piece!”

“Dad, I’m hungry.” - “Hi Hungry, I’m Dad!” - “Dad, I’m serious!” - “No, you’re Hungry.” - “You’re joking.” - “No, I’m Dad!”

If I worked at a restaurant on Valentine’s Day, I would put a fake engagement ring in every girl’s drinks.

Person: Let me show this thing real quick! *two hours later* Me: Is it almost over? Person: Just a second! Really!

“And there was a white Christmas all across the world…” - “Fool, do you know anything about geography?”

"This is the best homework I ever did! I put a lot of effort in it and I'm positive it's all right!" *one week later* "What do you mean 99% of it was wrong?!"

Me: OH MY GOSH, I FOUND THE BEST THEME FOR A FANFIC!!!!!!!! Let me search for fics!! Fanfic: HIATUS. Fanfic: PUT FOR ADOPTION. Fanfic: I GIVE UP ON THIS ONE. Fanfic: HIATUS *SINCE 1997* Fanfic: DISCONTINUED. Fanfic: ADOPTION. Fanfic: I NEED A PLOT!!! *HAVEN'T UPDATED IN 6 YEARS* Fanfic: HIATUS UNTIL MY LIFE GETS BETTER *HAVEN'T UPDATED IN 9 YEARS* Me: *cries* Wait! There's one that is still updating!! Fanfic: Me sorie but inglish is no first language, so vere wil be lot of wrongs!!Not flames plz! But I want critic's!!! Me: ... ok. *reads* ... How did you even got those two words confused they are nothing alike... Yeah, that one got me all the time when I started learning... This is kinda out of character but ok... Is this a flashback? I mean it's kinda- yeah it is a flashback badly started, fine... An OC, *sigh* ok it's minor... No. NO. NO PLEASE DON’T MAKE YOUR OC A MARY SUE NONONON- freak. I give up.

What would happen if Pinocchio said "My nose will grow right now"?

The next sentence is true. The previous sentence is false.

If everything is possible, is it possible for something to be impossible?

Nobody goes to that restaurant because it is too crowded.

If you didn't get this message, call me.

Drowning in the fountain of eternal life

What is better, eternal bliss or a slice of bread? What is better than eternal bliss? Nothing. But a slice of bread is better than nothing. So a slice of bread is better than eternal bliss.

Your mission is not to accept this mission. Do you accept?

A girl goes into the past and kills her Grandmother. Since her Grandmother is dead, the girl was never born. If she were never born, she never killed her grandmother.

Answer truthfully (yes or no) to the following question: Will the next word you say be 'no'?

True irony is being run over by the ambulance you called.

Person A: I'm vegetarian. Person B: Oh? Is that because you like animals? Person A: Nah, it's because I hate vegetation.

Me watching adult, serious movie: That villain is unrealistic and idiotic, nobody would do what he did for those reasons. Me watching kid’s movie: *crying from feels because kid’s movie has many feels* The villain was great if a bit moronic.

Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.

It's always darkest before it turns absolutely pitch black.

I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here.

History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.

If at first you don't succeed, try something easier.

It's never too late to go wrong.

One of the lessons of history is that Nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say.

Personal experience makes a believer out of anyone; that explains the hordes of evolution deniers.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you any worse advice.

I find it rather easy to portray a businessman. Being bland, rather cruel and incompetent comes naturally to me.

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

A penny saved is a penny you didn't put in the 'Take a penny, leave a penny' tray, you cheap marshmallow!

DO NOT READ THE NEXT SENTENCE. You little rebel, I like the way you think. *wink*

"May your life be as awesome as you pretend it to be on facebook."

You want me to watch my mouth? HOW?! Take my eyeballs and turn them around?!?!

I cared for a second. Then I got distracted by my mind saying how much time I was wasting caring for such uselessness.

People tell me there is plenty of fish in the sea. Well that's nice and all but I'm human… I don't date fish.

WARNING: TO AVOID INJURY; DO NOT tell me how to do my frikkin job!

Person: Hey, you're blocking the view! Me: I AM the view. *wink wonk*

The world is a stage but the play is badly cast.

When I was a boy, I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.

Puberty is the sickest joke God plays on us. So you're just noticing members of the sex. Naturally you want to look your best, and God says 'No! You will look the worst you've ever looked in your life!'

I don't like to think before I speak, I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.

I have great faith in fools; self-confidence my friends call it.

When you talk to someone who isn't sarcastic, it's like talking to a baby: you watch every word you're saying, but you can say whatever you want anyway because they probably won't get.

If you could read my mind you would be either traumatized or aroused, maybe both.

If Monday had a face, I would punch it.

I don't try to be sexy... Sexy tries to be me.

"If you fall, I'll be here" by The Floor

There are 7 trillion nerves on the human body and some people still are able to get every last one of them.

Crap happens. I mean… Look at your face.

Oh, you're his ex? Nice meeting you, I'm the upgrade.

While arguing, some people are like "I’M NOT YELLIN!"

Person A: *washing car* Person B: Hey, you washing your car? Person A: Nah, I'm watering it so it may grow into a bus.

Text message* Person A: Why aren't you answering? Person B: Sorry, I dropped my phone and I can't find it, I'll text you when I find it. Person A: Okay. Person A: Found it yet? Person B: No. Person A: Okay. Let me know when you do.

Person A: Are you single? Person B: No, I'm plural. Person A: I meant, are you free this Friday? Person B: No, I'm expensive.

They say love is more important than money... Have you tried to pay your bills with a hug?!

I had a really bad day... First my ex got run over by a bus. Then I got fired from my job as a bus driver...

Person A: Do you like music? Person B: No, I'm the only person in the planet who doesn't like music.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism. Copy from two, it's research.

Be careful whose toes you step on today because they might be connected to the foot that kicks your butt tomorrow.

I tried sniffing coke, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

We are all going to hell, and I am driving the bus.

We crush the caterpillars then complain there are no butterflies.

The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don’t have to mow it.

A person who aims at nothing is sure to hit it... Or something... Or someone...

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

Enjoy life. There's plenty of time to be dead.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyways.

Is this glass half empty, half full, or twice as large as it needs to be?

Some teenagers express their burning desire to be different by dressing exactly alike.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

You're young only once, but you can be immature the rest of your life.

He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears. Sadly, he overcame them.

Somewhere out there, there is a tree producing oxygen so you can breathe. You owe it an apology.

I Googled "Who frikkin cares?” My name didn't came up in the results.

My silence doesn't mean I agree with you. It's just that your level of ignorance rendered me speechless.

Everyone needs a smart-alec sarcastic friend. I'm so happy to be of service to you.

All I'm saying is one of us is right and the other one is you!

I may be fat but you're ugly. At least I can diet.

My new year's resolution was going to be that I would stop being sarcastic, but dang it! I'm no quitter.

I should be ashamed of some things I do. I'm not, but I should be.

If I could get a firm grip on reality... I would choke it.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again afterwards... It was probably worth it.

Does it count a saving some one’s life if you refrained from killing them?

Sometimes my greatest accomplishment is keeping my mouth shut.

I may love to shop but I'm not buying your crap.

Don’t let your mind wander... It’s too small to be let out on its own.

If we killed everybody that hates you, it wouldn't be murder... It’d be the apocalypse.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Person A: Where's the good in goodbyes? *crying* Person B: *sigh* Ok, let me explain it to you: GOOD bye. The GOOD is RIGHT BEFORE the bye.

Don't worry about what people think. They don't do it very often.

When I read such bad, poorly written, and/or inaccurate fan fiction: LAUGHING SARCASTICALLY. THEN MAKING A SERIOUS FACE.

It always amaze me that sometimes people get so deformed after death that they can only be identified by their teeth. But there lies the question: If they didn't know who the person was, how did they know their dentist?

I don't necessarily agree with everything I say. I was mostly disagreeing with you.

As long as there are tests... There will be prayers in school.

Don’t steal! The government doesn't like competition!

You text him. He doesn't text back. He was obviously so excited that you texted him that he fainted.

Some people just need a hug!!! Around the neck. With my hands.

I guess if you spoke your mind, you would be speechless, huh?

Before you decide to live by the "early bird gets the worm" policy, discover if you're the bird or the worm.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

There’s a good chance you don't like me. Although, to be fair, there is a bigger chance that I don't care.

SWAG: Something We All Get tired of hearing...

This is an excellent time for you to become a missing person.

Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to lie to myself and try to like you?

The difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know, and I couldn't care less.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

When dog food is new with improved tasting, who tests it?

Why do people say "You’ve been working like a dog" when dogs just sit around all day?

What came first, the fruit or the color orange?

If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they remember that they forgot?

Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?

If you were traveling at the speed of sound and you turned on your radio would you be able to hear it?

If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent the universe.

completely healthy person parking in handicapped parking space* Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

I like you. People say I have no taste but I like you…

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.

Get your facts first. Then you can distort them as you please.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the heck she is.

The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse who gets the cheese.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.

I'm so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I'm saying.

Mirrors can't talk. Lucky for you, they can't laugh either.

If you are cooler than me, would that make me hotter than you?

Dear Parents, Jasmine was in a relationship with a dirty homeless boy named Aladdin. Snow White lived alone with seven men. Pinocchio was a liar. Robin Hood was a thief. Tarzan walked around without any clothes on. A stranger kissed Sleeping Beauty and she married him. Cinderella lied and snuck out of the house at night to go to a party. You can’t blame us. We were taught to rebel at such a young age.

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Can I end my essay with “You feel me?”

I hate how chocolate immediately melts on your fingers. Like, am I really that hot?

When I’m bored, I send a text to a random number saying “I hid the body. Now what?”

I’m not crazy! I’m just special! …no wait…maybe I am crazy… One second. I have to talk to myself about this. Hold on.

My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I was supposed to do.

A B C D E F G. Gummy bears are chasing me. One is red. One is blue. One is chewing up my shoe. Now I'm running for my life. Cuz the red one's got a knife

If you want me to go running with you, I'm going to need some motivation...Like a clown waving a bloody knife and chasing us.

If you've never jumped from one couch to the other to avoid the lava you've never had a childhood.

I know the VOICES aren't real but they have some really great ideas!

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.

Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

You know the speed of light, so what's the speed of dark?

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

I didn’t fall. The floor just needed a hug.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

Evil is just live spelled backwards.

No. You're wrong so go sit in your wrongness and be wrong.

You're wrong for thinking I'm wrong so that makes you wrong twice.

I didn't lose my mind, I sold it on ebay.

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.

We didn’t lose...we just ran out of time.

Don't criticize my mess unless you'd like to become part of it.

Thank-you for visiting reality, come again... Now entering your life, welcome.

From now on I'm going to treat people exactly how they treat me... some will be happy, others should be scard.

Never do anything that you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics.

An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault

If you wish to forget anything on the spot, make a note that this thing is to be remembered.

Nothing is as frustrating as arguing with someone who knows what he's talking about.

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

The world is full of crazy people. They made me their leader.

I hear voices in my head. But that’s alright. Most of them are pretty nice.

You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

Nine of the ten Voices in my head think I'm sane. The tenth is undecided.

What is this “normal” you speak of? Stay away, I don’t want to catch your “normal”!

I’m not saying you’re stupid. I’m just implying it.

"Be OPTIMISTIC... all the people you hate are eventually going to die!"

Everybody is a little weird and life is a little weird and when people find someone who's weirdness is compatible with their own they couple together and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.

I didn't go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.

I didn't trip. I was testing gravity... it still works.

I stay up late every night and realize it's a bad idea every morning.

Nothing is Impossible. The word itself says I'm possible.

I like poetry, long walks on the beach, and poking dead things with a stick.

I'm not insensitive. I just don't care

Who doesn't love comebacks that make the other person sound stupid?

You say psycho like it's a bad thing...

Old enough to know better, young enough not to care.

Between two evils, I always pick the one I've never tried.

You see, I used to be normal. But then I learned to read. So, the normalness went right down the drain! My mom blames my first grade teacher.

"Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy."

Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it. If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying 'End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH', the paint wouldn't even have time to dry.

I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

"I'm not psycho...I just like psychotic things."

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but you abuse the privilege.

There are some stupid people in this world. You just helped me realize it.

Hey, why don't you go play in traffic?!

Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all the stupid people.

Yeah, yeah, keep talking, someday you might say something intelligent.

You laugh because I'm different. I laugh because you are all the same.

I've always wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my enemy to go swimming.

Heaven kicked me out. Hell was afraid I'll take over.

Just because I'm a genius doesn't mean I'm required to have a lot of common sense. Or any, for that matter...

I'm bored. Run for your sanity.

I didn't deny it! I just didn't admit it!

Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work here is done.

If you don't like my driving then stay off the sidewalk!

Failure is ALWAYS an option.

"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."

You know it's going to be a bad day when you jump out of bed and miss the floor.

Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

I'm the kind of girl who would fall flat on my face, get up, laugh my head off, and say "That was fun!”

Don’t follow me, I’m lost too.

This is Bob. Bob likes sharp things. I suggest you run from Bob.

Definition of homework: Some form of crude mind control still used in some primitive areas.

I’m not afraid of Death. What’s it gonna do? Kill me?

I’ll try to be nicer if you try to be smarter.

So what if we act like immature idiots? We’re having fun.

Why isn’t chocolate considered a vegetable, if chocolate comes from cocoa beans, and all beans are a vegetable?

Life sucks and then you die.

Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put into the loony bin?

Why do people say, “You can’t have your cake and eat it too”? Why would someone get cake if they can’t eat it?

When it rains on my party, I bust out the slip n’ slide.

Of course I’m talking to myself. Who else can I trust?

Let me know if anything I say offends you, I might wanna offend you later.

A recent survey stated that the average person’s greatest fear is having to give a speech in public. Somehow this ranked even higher than death which was third on the list. So, you’re telling me that at a funeral, most people would rather be the guy in the coffin than have to stand up and give a eulogy?

Death is God’s way of saying “You’re fired.”

Shut up voices or I’ll poke you with a fork.

I’m sick of following my dreams, I’m just gonna ask where they're going and hook up with them later.

Do I have to spell it out for you or scream it in your face?

All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.

Stupidity is not a crime so you’re free to go.

"First, nobody can be like you. You're insane. In fact, insane people even call you insane."

Why be difficult, when, with just a little bit of effort, you can be impossible?

That, my children, is called a wall. But beware, the wall is solid. Yes be afraid! Be very afraid, for we cannot walk through it! Believe me children, for I have attempted this many times before.

If at first you don't succeed...go back and reload the gun.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they'll be when you kill them.

STRESS: A condition brought on by over-riding the body's desire to choke the living daylights out of some jerk who desperately deserves it.

I'm the same, just different.

If idiots could fly, a highway would be turned into a runway.

"My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying."

"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick -- not wounded -- dead."

"A word to the wise ain't necessary -- it's the stupid ones that need the advice."

I’ve lost myself. I’ve gone to find myself. If I return before I get back, please tell me to wait there! P.S. I haven’t lost my mind. It’s backed up on a floppy.

"When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, 'No speaka English.'"

"I'm too busy getting lost to read a map!"

"Women who behave rarely make history."

“You weren’t paying attention. Besides, the best way to win an argument is to knock the other person out.”

"I enjoy sarcasm. So should you."

Good luck seldom comes in pairs but bad things never walk alone.

English: A language that lurks in dark alleyways, beats up other languages, and rifles through their pockets for spare vocabulary.

You make my face orifice crescents curl upwards at the ends. (What a delightfully revolting way for me to say smile, I should really stop saying that.)

I like villains because there's something so attractive about a committed person - they have a plan, an ideology, no matter how twisted. They're motivated.

You wouldn't last five minutes in my head.

Only the good die young. That is why immortality is reserved for the greatest of evils.

'I'm not short-tempered; I just have a quick reaction to bull-crap.'

I LOVE EVERYBODY. Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others I would love to punch in the face.

Flying is not inherently dangerous- crashing is.

I have not lost my mind; its backed up on a disk somewhere

Beware the letter 'G'. It is the end of everything.

Wanna know how to keep an idiot busy? Take him into a round room and tell him to sit in a corner.

Some say the glass is half full, others the glass is half empty, all I want to know is who's drank my water!

I was going to take over the world, but I got distracted by something sparkly.

Normal people scare me... But not as much as I scare them.

If I had any dignity, that would have been humiliating.

Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.

There's always a light at the end of the tunnel. Of course, it's usually an oncoming express train.

There are three kinds of people. Those who learn by reading, a few who learn by observation, and the rest who have to test the electric fence for themselves.

Just when I think you've said the stupidest thing ever you just keep on talking.

You know, you do this annoying thing where you open your mouth and then these things you call words come out. Yeah like that. Stop it.

An idiot is a 44th floor window washer who steps back to admire his work.

I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on someone else.

If you can't get the skeletons out of your closet, you'd better teach them to dance.

I am the author of my life. Unfortunately, I'm writing in pen and I can't erase my mistakes...

I speak Sarcasm as a second language

Screw hugs. I’m going to tackle you when I see you.

Sell crazy somewhere else; we're all stocked up here.

You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.

No great genius has ever existed without some touch of madness.

And I'm quoting, because I don't have the time or energy to make stuff up anymore.

The thing under my bed waiting to grab my ankle isn't real. I know that, and I also know that if I'm careful to keep my foot under the covers, it will never be able to grab my ankle.

Shoot for the moon. If you miss, you'll land among the stars, and if you fall, you'll land on top of the world. And if you fall off that, well, you're screwed.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 different ways it won't work.

Young enough to know you can, old enough to know you shouldn't, stupid enough to do it anyway.

I'm not fluent in stupid so speak slowly to me.

"Why can't they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16's going, "Who'd you call a faggot?"

I didn't mean to hurt your feelings; I was aiming for your face.

Everyone's immortal till they DIE.

Buying someone flowers is kind of a weird idea. Like, “Hey! These are for you. Now watch them slowly die because I love you.”

Someone told me that I’m immature and that I need to grow up. Guess who’s not allowed in my tree house anymore.

Immature: A word boring people use to describe fun people.

That awkward moment when you have to tell someone you’re being sarcastic.

Happy birthday! You know, in dog years, you’d already be dead.

You don’t have to like me. I’m not a facebook status.

Do you know why they call it PMS? Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

Never do card tricks with your poker buddies.

Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand.

How can a two-pound box of candy make a person gain five pounds?

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Grandchildren are God’s reward for not killing your kids.

We child-proofed our home three years ago… And they’re still getting in!

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I’d be gone. “The whole time,” I told them.

Americans throw rice at weddings… Do Asians throw hamburgers?

I just got skylights put into my place. The people above me are furious.

If Fed Ex and UPS merged, would they be Fed Up?

If a man says something in the woods and there is no woman there to hear him… Is he still wrong?

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.

How come the time of day with the slowest traffic is called Rush Hour?

Whose cruel idea was it to have the word “lisp” with an ‘s’ in it?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

A clean desk is the sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; 100s Dead

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Inside every senior citizen is a younger person wondering, “What the heck happened?”

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was “shut up.” –Joe Namath

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self-Help Section is and she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. –George Carlin

The first testicular guard “cup” was used in hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.

You know that indestructible black box they use on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of it?

It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

Irish Coffee provides in a single glass all the major food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather—peacefully, in my sleep. Not screaming, like all the passengers in his car.

Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer. –W.C. Fields

My friend has kleptomania but when it gets bad, he takes something for it.

When someone says “penny for your thoughts” and you put your two cents in, where does the extra penny go?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow hat electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you believe them, but if they tell you a wall’s paint is wet, you will touch it to be sure?

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on. –Samuel Goldwyn

Do Roman paramedics refer to I.V.s as “4’s”?

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

He who dies with the most toys is still dead.

Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.

Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art.

You're ten and you have an iPad? When I was your age, I had an imagination.

The original point-and-click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will get in and clean them?

If you try to fail and succeed at it, which have you done?

If a turtle loses its shell, is it homeless or naked?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How come we put a man on the moon before we realized it would be a good idea to put luggage on wheels?

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket.

My wife and I always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

The problem with the gene pool? No lifeguard.

Why isn’t 11 pronounced “onety-one?”

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That’s my idea of a perfect day! –Roseanne Barr

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

How come just one careless match can cause a forest fire but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

What hair color do they put on the drivers’ licenses of bald men?

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Santa Claus had the right idea: visit people only once a year.

What is a free gift? Aren’t all gifts free?

If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with “quit while you’re ahead?”

Talk is cheap. Except when Congress does it.

The Importance of Exercise: Exercise can add minutes to your life. This enables you, at 85 years of age, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7,000 per month.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

We all get heavier as we get older because there’s a lot more information in our heads. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

What is Iraq’s national bird? Duck.

You know how when people see a litter box, they say “Oh, do you have a cat?” Just once, I want to say “No, it’s for the company.”

What’s white and fourteen inches long? Absolutely nothing.

You are depriving some village of its idiot.

Reading fanfiction: It's evil... It's diabolical... It's lemon scented!

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Did you hear about the red ship and blue ship that collided? Both crews were marooned.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in Gosh.

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane, going the wrong way.

Warning: dates in calendars are much closer than they appear.

Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.

A man decided not to report his stolen credit card. The thief was spending a lot less than his wife.

What has orange hair, big feet, and comes from a test tube? Bozo the Clone.

If Barbie is so popular, why do we have to buy all her friends?

If the enemy is in range…so are you.

Isn’t it strange that you never hear of a psychic winning the lottery?

If it’s tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?

How do they get deer to cross the road at that yellow sign?

The English Language: Here's a bunch of ways to remember proper grammar! But here's the list of every exception to these rules! Have fun memorizing it all.

Me: *smiles at fanfiction* Mom: A boy? Me: A fanfiction.

You're ten and you have an iPod, iPad, laptop, and Facebook. ...dude, when I was ten, I had Pokémon cards.

Nerd Problem: People think it's weird that you like to smell books.

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

What’s another word for thesaurus?

What do they use to ship Styrofoam?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Do hungry cows have ravenous appetites?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

Chocolate: the other food group.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer? No? Good.

Isn’t it scary that doctors call what they do practice?

If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?

All generalizations are false…even this one.

If the police arrest a mine, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Don’t drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren’t they just stale bread to begin with?

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come we see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

If love is blind, why is sexy lingerie so popular?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

How come we get just two people to choose for the President of the US but 50 for Miss America?

How come Tarzan doesn’t have a beard?

Isn’t Disney World a people trap run by a mouse?

We live a strange country… If you take off all your clothes and run down the street waving a machete and firing a Uzi, terrified citizens will call the cops reporting: “There’s a naked person running around outside!”

Why do they call it Department of Interior when it’s in charge of everything outdoors?

Energizer Bunny was arrested and charged with battery.

Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Borrow money from a pessimist. They don’t expect to get it back.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Be more or less specific.

What’s another word for ‘synonym’?

IRS: we’ve got what it takes to take what you got.

Prepositions are words not to ever end a sentence with.

Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.

We have enough youth. How about a Fountain of Smart?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

How do you know when you’ve run out of invisible ink?

Get a new car for your spouse; it’ll be a great trade!

Friends may come and go but enemies tend to accumulate.

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

We were born naked, wet, and hungry. Then it got worse.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.

Make it idiot-proof and someone will design a better idiot.

If you don’t mind smelling like peanut butter for two or three days, peanut butter is a darn good shaving cream.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is to serve as warning to others.

The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an oncoming train.

For every vision, there is an equal and opposite revision.

Important letters with no errors will develop errors in the mail.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else.

The secret to success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

I won’t rise to the occasion but I’ll slide over to it.

If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

It IS as bad you think and they ARE out to get you.

If voting could change things, it’d be illegal.

Everyone lies…but it doesn’t matter because nobody listens.

Remember: in just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

He always wanted to be a procrastinator but never got around to it.

There’s always death and taxes. However, death doesn’t keep getting worse every year.

An optimist feels that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears this is true.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Brains cells come and brain cells go but fat cells are forever.

An expert is anyone from out of town.

It’s impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly surprised.

The longer you stand in line, the greater the likelihood that you’re in the wrong line.

Opportunity always knocks when you’re in the shower.

When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.

If you don’t care where you are, you ain’t lost.

Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

WARNING: the consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing and tell your friends that you love them over and over again.

Without question, man’s greatest invention is beer. Oh, I great you that the wheel was also a fine invention but the wheel doesn’t go nearly as well with pizza. –Dave Berry

24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.

Learn from your parents’ mistakes. Use birth control.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Some drink at the Fountain of Knowledge. Others only gargle.

My mind is like a steel trap: rusty and illegal in 37 states.

A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

What do you call a song sung in a car? A cartoon.

What bird lifts the most? A crane.

Dolphins are so smart that within 2 weeks of captivity, they’ve trained people to stand at the edge of the pool and throw them fish.

Some cause happiness wherever they go…others, whenever they go.

It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.

The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

The enemy isn’t conservatism. The enemy isn’t liberalism. The enemy is bull-crap. –Lars-Erik Nelson

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. –Marion Barry, former mayor

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather: it pays no attention to criticism.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play. Bring a friend…if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill. “Cannot possible attend first night, will attend second…if there is one.” –Winston Churchill, in response to Shaw.

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it. –Groucho Marx

A penny saved is a government oversight.

When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

Aim low; reach your goals; avoid disappointment.

Doing the job right gets the job done. Doing the job wrong 14 times gives you job security.

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings. They did it by killing everyone opposing them.

Ham and eggs: a day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

I love cooking with wine. Sometimes, I even put it in the food.

Once over the hill, you pick up speed.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Show him the internet and he won’t bother you for weeks.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?

You can say any foolish thing to a dog and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!” –Dave Berry

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

Every time I hear the dirty word “exercise”, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

Today’s status symbol is a cell phone clipped onto your belt. I can’t afford one, so I’m wearing my garage door opener.

If you can’t be kind, at least be vague.

The fortune tellers’ annual dance: crystal ball.

The older you are, the tougher it is to lose weight because, by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Life is an endless struggle, full of frustration and challenges. But eventually you will find a hair stylist you like.

Age is important only if you’re cheese or wine.

Teenagers: God’s punishment for having sex.

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

How about a fitness program for older folks called Pumping Rust?

You never hear someone say “It’s only a game” when their team is winning.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

If it’s true that we’re here to help others, then what are all the others here for?

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zigzag?

Last night, I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

“I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest?

The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re in the bathroom.

My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out on the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, “Mom, they weren’t teaching you to swim.” –Paula Poundstone

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

If it’s zero degrees out today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

Can an atheist get insurance against Acts of God?

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, there’s shipping and handling.

A drunk is brought in front of a judge, who tells him, “You’ve been brought here for drinking.” The drunk says, “Ok, let’s get started.”

My next house will have no kitchen…just vending machines and a large trash can.

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.

How do you get holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work? A stick.

Avoid arguments with the women in your household about leaving the seat up. Use the sink.

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than letting her keep him.

If you want your spouse to listen…talk in your sleep.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes!

Just as I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook? Wet feet.

There are three religious truths: 1) Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. 2) Protestants do not recognize the Pope as their leader. 3) Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store or at Hooters.

For Sale: wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by mistake.

Never test the depth of water with both feet.

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

I married Miss Right. I didn’t know her first name was Always.

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Keep your words soft and sweet. One day, you may have to eat them.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. –Woody Allen

Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time because then you won’t have a leg to stand on.

How do we know the Indians were first in America? They had reservations.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things fish do in it. –W.C. Fields.

She’s got a keen sense of rumor.

Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up; you don’t know where it’s been.”

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

The only thing more important than a good education is a good parking spot at the mall.

I once wanted to become an atheist but soon gave up on the idea. They have no holidays.

A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the bathroom equipment. The chief was quoted as saying “Unfortunately, we have nothing to go on.”

Bad decisions make good stories.

Nothing is worse than that moment, during an argument, when you realize you’re wrong.

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

LOL has gone from meaning “laugh out loud” to “I don’t have anything else to say.”

Whenever someone says, “I’m not book smart but I’m street smart” what I hear is: “I’m not really smart but I’m imaginary smart.”

The only time I don't look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text message.

Wicked chickens lay deviled eggs.

MapQuest really needs to start directions at #5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Isn’t it strange that boxing rings are square?

“Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this item, ever.

Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like an optimal cruising speed for pedophiles.

Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what to do with it.

I keep some peoples’ numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

I used up all my sick days so I’m calling in dead.

For people who long for peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Don’t feel sad, don’t feel blue… Frankenstein was ugly too.

You are here: X.

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents. …the second half, by our children.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

Yes, this is my pickup. No, I will not help you move.

Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would anybody know?

If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

Why do tug boats push their barges?

Why do we sing “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” when we’re already there?

Why is it called “after dark” when it’s after light?

Lady Astor to Winston Churchill: “If you were my husband, I’d give you poisoned tea.” Churchill to Lady Astor: “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”

“Will you pass the salt?” – “How fast is it going?”

Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won’t spoil me.

Born free…taxed to death.

If practice makes perfect and nobody’s perfect…why practice?

When in doubt, mumble.

When fan-fictions have ‘just read it, you’ll like it’ as their description: *stare* *scroll downwards*

God created man-THEN had a better idea!

I'm not as random as you think I- salad.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level and beat you with experience. Never argue with me, I’ll drag you down to my level and beat you with a bat.

I'm not a complete idiot - some parts are missing.

The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.

Looking over old stories: "WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?!" *cries, cringes, and moans*

Every day I beat my own previous record for number of days I've stayed alive.

If at first you don't succeed, find out if there's a prize for the loser.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

We have enough gun control; what we need is idiot control.

If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

Better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it into a fruit salad.

The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.

By the time a man realizes his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.

How could the cemetery raise its prices and blame it on the cost of living?

Women are like roads: the more curves, the greater the danger.

If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer...oh wait, he does.

Life's a bitch. If it were a slut, it'd be easy.

Good health is merely the slowest way you can die.

If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have a lot of trouble putting on your pants.

Women may not hit harder but they do hit lower.

TV can insult your intelligence but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. But who wants a bunch of flies?

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you try to catch it than when you are sitting in it.

If you're ever tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department always uses water.

If winning isn't everything, why do they keep score?

One of the quickest ways to meet new people is to pick up the wrong ball on a golf course.

Tow truck sign: Drink and drive. We need the business.

In the fantasy world, friendship is like My Little Pony. In reality, it ends up being Criminal Minds.

Well, aren't we just a ray of fucking sunshine?

People say everything happens for a reason. So when I punch you in the face, remember, I have a reason.

Goodness, that was close! I almost gave a damn!

Let's pretend I give a shit and leave it at that.

I heard you're a player. Nice to meet you, I'm the coach.

"I love you." - "Do you have evidence to support your statement?"

If you have a problem with me, please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, and shove it up your ass.

If I were you, I would adore me.

Love me and I will move mountains for you. Hurt me and I will drop those mountains on your balls.

I’ll love you forever! …LOL, just joking! I can’t live that long!

Don’t get me started. I don’t have brakes.

One day, I caught myself smiling. Then I realized I was thinking of you. Then I got hit by a train.

I love you, you piece of shit.

Love at first sight is the most common eye disease.

Let's be friends = never talk again.

Damn right I'm good in bed! I can sleep for days.

Admitting you're an asshole is the first step...

ASK ME about my ability to annoy complete strangers...

At night, I can’t sleep. In the morning, I can’t wake up.

If the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off!

Sweetie, if you’re gonna be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty.

It’s a match made in heaven…by a retarded angel.

Just when you think you’ve found a parking spot and it turns out to be a small car…

Thank God our perverted minds can't be hacked.

7 Reasons Not to Mess With Kids

Reason #1: A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because, even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human: it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah." The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The girl replied, "Then you ask him."

Reason #2: A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl, who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from the drawing, the girl replied "They will in a minute."

Reason #3: A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five or six year old. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and the Mother, she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat, one little boy (the oldest of the family) answered, "Though shall not kill."

Reason #4: One day, a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

Reason #5: The children had all been photographed and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer.' or 'That's Michael; he's a doctor.'" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; she's dead."

Reason #6: A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it and I would turn read in the face." The class said, "Yes." The teacher asked, "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

Reason #7: The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and posted it on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note: "Take all you want - God is watching the apples!"

Stupidest Last Words In The History Of Mankind:

What does this button do?

It's probably just a rash.

Are you sure the power is off?

The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!

Which wire was I supposed to cut?

I wonder where the mother bear is.

I've seen this done on TV.

These are the good kind of mushrooms.

It's strong enough for both of us.

This doesn't taste right.

I can do that with my eyes closed.

I've done this before.

Well, we've made it this far.

That's odd.

I'll just put my head in it to make sure.

Don't be so superstitious.

Now watch this.

Look Ma! No Hands!

Don't worry, it's not contagious.

Of course it's safe.

It can't get any worse...

There's only one way to find out!

FUN REFLECTIONS ON LIFE!

1. Never raise your hands to your kids.
It leaves your groin unprotected.

2. I'm not into working out.
My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

5. Do you think illiterate people
get the full affect of alphabet soup?

6. I've always wanted to be somebody,
but I should have been more specific.

7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone
going faster than you is a maniac?

9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day
when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.

10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every
other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the
locks, they are always locking three of them.

11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends.
If they are OK, then it must be you.

12. They show you how detergent takes out bloodstains. I think if you've got a tee shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.