Hiyas! I was previously meselfi, but have now changed my name to MarchHare95, obviously after an Alice in Wonderland character. If you do not know who this is, I recommend you re-read the book. However, I am a fickle human being so I changed the name again. Sorry.

Disclaimer: I own none of the above, not Harry Potter, not Code Geass, not Alex Rider. Understand? Anyway, even if I did you wouldn't be able to prove anything!

Warning everyone! I am human and so at times can be a lazy slob, if you feel that I am neglecting any of my stories, do not be afraid to say so. this nudge will be much appreciated!

Hello all, thanks to those of you who have actually taken the time to read any of my stories and actually reviewed them. I am sorry to say that I will be going on a temporary hiatus, don't worry, all unfinished fics will be completed. Just to justify this, I will be telling you my reasoning if you care to read. Its just that I have found myself to be sliding behind in my schoolwork, and well, I need to catch up with the rest of my classmates. This hiatus will probably end when school does and start again when school starts. So sorry, I really am.

Name: Count Dracula a.k.a Count Drac, Drakkie, the Count etc. (You didn't really think I would tell you my real name did you?

Age: 36,000 - 35, 985 years old

Location: The planet Mars

Date of Birth: The third year in the reign of the Shadow Lord a.k.a. Darth Vader

"Approach life like a duck; calm above but paddle like hell underneath"-my Dad. -_-

Drop by sometime and say hi:

My fics on tumblr here

I have original writing on my blog as well you can access it here

My side blog that I plan to dedicate solely to writing: monster-writes

Really Dumb Store labels:

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (too late )

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (thank you captain obvious . . .)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." ( no comment . . .)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (Oh yeah because many kids are driving cars and operating machinery these days . . .)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (Isn't that kinda the point??)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (okay that made me curious, what other use??)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (captain obvious has returned!!)

On artificial bacon: "Real artificial bacon bits". (because they don't want to give us the fake bacon, they want to give us the real fake bacon :P)

On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.
(as apposed to what?)

On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: keep out of children.
(I think the translator was a bit confused here)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one..)

On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this.)

On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)

"Your parents are Frank and Marie Barone?! Your absolved ... The Lord forgives you of your thoughts." ( Everybode Loves Raymond)

"I reject your reality and substitute my own." - Mythbusters

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."- Albert Einstein

"The truth is rarely pure and never simple."- Oscar Wilde

Isn't it funny that the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures'?

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the
store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught t me IRONY.
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that
way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad, she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son, John

P.S. - Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.

--One day, Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem: my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
--"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."
--In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
--"Jesus!" Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.
--"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.
--"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
--"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones had winked off again. However, this time, the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.
--The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
--Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "If you stick that goddamned thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"
--"Amen," replied the congregation

Asian Complaints

1. We do not comprehend the words “ching chong”.

2. WHATTHEHELL does “ching chong” even mean?!

3. Not all Koreans make nuclear bombs or eat dogs.

4. Just cause you see an Asian person it doesn’t mean they’re Chinese, they could be Japanese, Korean, Vietnamese, Indonesian, Filipino etc.

5. We are not all COMMUNISTS.

6. We don’t always eat egg rolls and when we do it’s like once in a blue moon.

7. Asian girls with long black hair HATE being called The Grudge or the girl from The Ring. Same goes for Asian guys and being called Grudge boy.

9. Dynasty Express and China King are not considered “real” Chinese food.

10. We don’t use THAT much M-S-G.

11. Don’t ask us to speak our language, we will when we feel like it.

12. We don’t know how to translate your name so stop asking cause most likely we can’t.

13. Don’t ask us to teach you curse words either.

14. Stop trying to pair up Asian guys and girls at your school and say they look cute together. Not all Asians belong together.

15. All Asian countries speak different languages.

16. Just because we’re Asian it doesn’t mean that we know karate, kung fu, tae kwon do etc. Even though we are probably capable of kicking your butt anyway.

17. Don’t say all Asian people look the same, that’s like saying all white people look the same, all African Americans look the same and all Hispanics look the same. When will you realize your stupidity?

18. Surprise! Not all Asians are good at maths.

19. Not all Asians are short.

20. Or skinny.

21. By the way, it’s VietNAMese, not VietMANese.

22. Not all Asian families run a nail shop although some of them do.

23. Same goes for convenient stores and laundromats.

24. What do you people stare at? Haven’t you seen an Asian person before?

25. Just to let you know, it’s NOT funny when you tape your eyes up and start speaking gibberish. That just gives us another reason to kick your butt.

26. Go ahead, make fun of us. We’ll just make fun of you in our own language.

27. It’s ok for us to call each other F.O.B’s but if you call us one you’re asking for a beating.

28. Yeah we eat rice, so what? Got rice?

29. Don’t fold your hands and bow at us like you know what you’re doing cause honestly you look like an idiot.

30. Don’t ask if the Chinese use cat in their food, if they did they would label it “cat lo mein” instead of beef lo mein. They don’t use cat if you didn’t already guess that by now.

31. No…Yao Ming is not my uncle.

32. People from India are Asians too.

33. People from the Middle East are just as Asian as people from the southeast-(CloudNineArigance)

Everything I Learned In Life, I Learned From CLAMP

1. If you're not angsty, you should be.
2. There is no such thing as coincidence.
3. Evil takes the form of four Japanese mangaka.
4. Everything's better in alternate universes.
5. If you're precious to your brother, you're probably doomed.
6. Actually, if you're precious to anyone, you're doomed.
7. In fact, you're probably just doomed anyways.
8. Treasure your eyes. You never know when they'll be taken away.
9. Subtext really does equal buttsex.
10. Everything has a price.
11. The most powerful people are alcoholics.
12. Never trust the bunny/pork bun.
13. True love always prevails. Usually.
14. Love comes in all forms.
15. At least you’re not Subaru - Correction. At least you're not Fai.
16. Nothing says love like agreeing to be somebody’s primary food source.
17. If someone comments on your eyes being pretty, you will probably lose them several chapters later.
18. Even if you and your beloved are a canon couple, by the end, you still won’t have kissed.
19. Even in other series, you still will not kiss.
20. If your grandparents are constantly on vacation, they most likely don’t exist.
21. Never carry your most treasured item around with you.
22. Everybody has an evil twin.
23. Tokyo Tower is, more than likely, the source of all evil.
24. If you’re good-looking, you’re doomed or angsty. Probably both.
25. Don’t expect to live a happy life. You’ll only be disappointed.
26. The more they smile, the harder they fall.
27. Your fan base is directly proportional to how angsty you are.
28. Everyone is pretty, even when bleeding or in agony.
29. Torture and mind games are just another way of showing you care.
30. Your boss is bad for you.
31. The world is split into three genders: male, female and androgynous.
32. Blood is aesthetic.
33. It’s not real magic unless you can conjure a two-meter-wide magic circle.
34. Flat strips of paper can reach the same speed as an F1 race car.
35. Fire doesn’t burn unless the plot requires it to.
36. No matter how ripped your shirt gets, it’s not coming off.
37. Men with black hair and glasses (including sunglasses) cannot be trusted.
38. Anyone who says having magic powers is cool could not have been more wrong.
39. It’s possible to store two swords and enough clothing for four people inside the mouth of a bunny/pork bun.
40. Who wears short shorts? Little boy detectives wear short shorts!
41. Four leaf clovers aren’t as lucky as they’re made out to be.
42. If you’re a character voiced by Megumi Ogata/cool/fan favourite/bishounen, you’re doomed.
43. Hell, you’re in a CLAMP anime. You’re doomed.
44. Remember your dreams- they’re the key to the plot.
45. If you can’t whistle, “hyuu” instead.
46. If you feel someone’s watching you, they probably are.
47. If he’s tall, dark and handsome, he’s taken- by the outrageously cute boy standing next to him.
48. Feathers have the ultimate power. Buy a chicken.
49. If your series is happy sugar-coated fairies and gay, you will most likely all die a horrible death at the hand of a psychotic clone.
50. Everything will be alright.
51. Just because you return from a journey, doesn’t mean you’ll return in one piece.
52. Everything happens in Tokyo.
53. Cute stuffed animals make the best magical servants.
54. Swords longer than your height are easy to manage.
55. Attack names/chants are more important than actual skill or experience.
56. Cherry blossoms are a sign of good luck.
57. Cherry blossoms are a sign of bad luck.
58. Cherry blossoms are- sod that, if you see cherry blossoms, run.
59. Even after your heart is pierced by someone's hand, you will still have plenty of time to divulge deep dark secrets/words of wisdom/angst/last words before you actually die.
60. Show your true love not by exchanging rings, but eyes.
61. No one is really happy. They’re just hiding some dark secret.
62. Dressing someone up in cute but outlandish outfits is a sign of great love and affection.
63. The easiest way to solve a love triangle is to kill somebody.
64. Inanimate objects have feelings.
65. Eyes, especially magic ones, are in high demand.
66. Cosplay is completely normal in Tokyo.
67. Love your parents while you can.
68. The general public is oblivious to strange/supernatural/inexplicable/mysterious events/people/objects.
69. Don’t give your name to strangers.
70. Wherever you are, there is a Miyuki somewhere in the background.
71. Apparently, magic allows you to eat other people’s eyes like candy.
72. Walking between a fence and a lamp-post will send you to another time/dimension.
73. Never trust shop owners.
74. You can adore liquor more than food, but you do not have an alcohol problem.
75. Everyone who's important, has the birthday April 1st.
76. It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye-then it's a pairing.
77. Nothing says love than agreeing to be someone's primary life source.
78. When asking the Japanese what a word means, definitions don't matter, you just need Kanji
79. Nothing says love like telling them to live till the day you kill them
80. Nothing says love like placing varius suffixes onto the end of the first four letters of their name
81. Clow Reed’s sole purpose in life was to create objects that could destroy the world and then die with no explanation on why he built them in the first place