A MESSAGE FROM THE AUTHOR: Hello, hello, folks. It's been a hot minute since I've been active in my fandoms but I am not gone and my stories have not been forgotten. I've been having some major physical health issues these last couple of months (mentally, things are on point and I'm proud to say that) and it turns out that I have fibromyalgia. It's awesome because I finally have a diagnosis and a plan to deal with my condition but horrible because...well, OUCH. LOL! No worries, though. I'm getting used to my latest New Normal and as I've said over the years, my Muses are sadistic. The spirit is willing, the flesh is catching up, and more updates/stories are on the way! Thank you for not giving up on me and please keep enjoying my work (or being respectful if you don't!). I love you all. Peace and Chicken Grease, ~*CMW2/Trumpetnista*~

••) .•) .•.•) .•) Pass the ribbon around if you know someone that has survived, DIED, or is living with cancer

From now on, every fic that I write solo or in collaboration with someone is dedicated to my Bunny, my Sara Elizabeth. The thing that she wanted the most for me, for our whole family, was joy, even in the wake of the cancer stealing her away from us. Writing brings me the most joy and that is why I will continue to do so. For my Bunny, my Sara Elizabeth. 2/9/2005 - 12/15/2016.

10 YEARS OF FFN (22 August 2018): So, apparently, yesterday was my 10 year anniversary of joining this site and I completely forgot! LOL! Wow. It's been a helluva lot of fun and I'm still here. Thank you for reading and enjoying my work (or being respectful if you don't...) and yeah. Wow...

TWO MILLION WORDS AND COUNTING!: As of today, 23 August 2018 (Thursday), I have submitted 2,031,401 words to FFN! That is amazing! Thank you for reading and enjoying my work and here's to at least 1,000,000 more!

*Welcome to my little corner of FFN.*

I've been reading on here for quite a little while now (since early 2005) and I am eager to post some of my own stuff.

I write constantly. I go through 5 subject notebooks like some people go through socks. My hands are always stained with ink and I'm known as " The girl that is always writing some damn thing" at school...and at home.

I focus on work from shows and movies I watch, mostly shows because I haven't seen many movies. I'm getting better, though.

Expect to see a lot of different chapter fics and maybe a couple of one shots.

My ideas are usually way too big to be expressed in one chapter and my dad always says I'm writing the next great American novel.

I'm not afraid to write about sex. I may be a little vanilla (I've gained a rocky road stripe over the years but still, vanilla overall...) but I'll write it if it'll fit and since I have a dirty mind, I'll find a way to make it fit.

Any constructive criticism is welcomed. I'd prefer not to be flamed but if my work sucks, I need to know.

If I'm going to be on here, I might as well do it right. But, I'm not afraid to block people if they get too harsh. (See General Disclaimer Below)

I'm very private so the most you'll get about me personally is that I'm black(and proud!), I wanted to be an English Teacher (shocker! LOL!) but now, I'm a home healthcare aide and I'm the 2nd oldest child in a big family in Southeastern Michigan.

Writing is my emotional Novocaine, my god given solace.

I need it like I need air and my faith in a better future.

I literally go into withdrawal if I don't write something every day, even if it's just in my head and not on paper.

GENERAL DISCLAIMER (particularly for the Anon-Trolls who like to invade my SCANDAL stories...): My writing style is a unique, beautiful and somewhat battered snowflake. I'm not changing it. If you fundamentally disagree with the way I write, then please just move on to someone else. There's a fine line between constructive criticism and just being hateful and disrespectful.

(Fanfiction) Writer’s Questionnaire

Penname: CMW2

Date of Joining FFN: 08/22/2008

ID Number: 1674911

Do you have a Beta Reader profile and are you accepting requests at this time?: Yes and Not right now.

Estimated number of stories written: A lot. I had a drawer full of drafted stories at one point but I now have 163 up in 36 fandoms on FFN, 6 are in progress.

Longest story was (how long): My longest story at the moment is my SCANDAL Olitz fic titled Shattering Expectations It was an impulse fic after watching an episode that explained how the President and the First Lady really met and just how sad the scene was made me wish that he could've found Olivia Pope earlier and it just snowballed into a beautiful, epic length beloved BEAST in the Gladiator Arena. It's finally complete and so far, it has 327,030 words, 3,092 reviews, 1,125,297 views, 3 C2s, 617 faves, and 765 alerts.

Shortest story was (how long): My shortest story at the moment is my ST:DS9 Julian/Ezri fic titled His Hands. It's a part of my SSS Project (see below) and it has 658 words, 2 reviews, 1,996 views, no C2s, 10 faves, and 1 alert. I think this and its companion piece Her Spots opened the floodgates for more Julian/Ezri stuff to be written so it's one of my favorites.

Preferred genre: Tie between Romance and Humor

Weird habits when you’re writing: I put the key board on my lap and cross one legs over the other, resulting in having scars from the cuts on my leg from my crappy computer stand. I have a laptop now, thankfully.

Word processor or notebook?: Both. Notebook for drafting mainly but sometimes I just go on Word and let loose.

Open/Private about writing?: Semi open. My family and friends know I do it and I take my drafting notebook everywhere but I refuse to let them read the finished product.

Published?: Only on fanfiction.net, AO3, and my Tumblr; nothing original yet.

Favorite fandom: My god, there's a lot. Any fandom that I have a ship in is fair game but if I had to choose my top 5, they would be: THE WALKING DEAD, GOTHAM, OUTLANDER, TITANS, and SHERLOCK

Favorite story: Oh, crap. I have over 35000 and you want me to choose like one? Uh, okay. My favorite one that I've written is my HOUSE fic because it's like my oldest baby. I can actually see an evolution in my writing style, which I like. As for my favorites elsewhere, I'd have to say that my current favs are Outtabreath's STAR TREK 2009 fics, mishy-mo's Primal, TalesFromTheSpockSide's Holding Pattern, McAddicted's Dark Passions, sadhappygirl's Trouble Sleeping and just about anything from MariposaAngel18,Starquilter57 jaed621, jfine, razztastic, Dispatch22705, chalantness, PokeyDotes, Harme, She'sGotHighHopes,BuyJo, LizzySong, R3wind101, Writingmylifeaway, EllisHendricks, Sophiasown, comewithnattah, RickRhymes, cakebythepound, can08writer, Chellepo1977, lalababy19, We'reTheOnesWhoWrite, hobbitsdoitbetter, darthsydious, Nyese3529, charrrmed, Siancore, LemonStar, Izanaomi, LilyGhost, blackgirlfairy, jonesywrites, Lola Fairweather and blc. I'd list more but then I'd run out of room. Just look at my favorite authors and stories and you'll find them all.

Favorite line: You're killing me here! I'm been reading on here since late 2005 so I've read some epic lines! Okay, I'll put up 3 of my gems and 5 from other fics I've read.

1. Mary knew that he didn't but he was retreating for now in the face of Naked Mann and his Frying Pan of Doom. (from Solace- Chapter 18 In Plain Sight)

2.“Oh...okay. I didn’t kill him but you guys can have my piss if you want. It’s good to know that it’ll be used for good, not evil!”, Phil called cheerfully before running smack dab into the hall wall, a smirking Flack on his heels. (from Passion CSI: NY)

3. It was supposed to be a murder mystery but the plot seemed to be a little too weak for the genre. With a shrug, Addison took another pull from her bottle…and promptly spat it back out as the scene cut to two people in bed, complete with tongues and bad 80s smooth jazz. Great! The one night she’s suffering from lust induced insomnia, the TV gods decide to put on Pistol Pussies 5. What was worse was that she could feel herself getting turned on as Bambi and Roy rutted like beasts.

Looking back at the oven, she checked the time and called it as she slid a tentative hand inside her panties.

Time of Hitting the Bottom of Rock Bottom: 3:32AM. (From Irresistible Private Practice)

1.“Bones? What’s that bodies in motion thing?” you murmured into the darkness.
Her breath ghosted warm over your chest. “Bodies in motion tend to stay in motion. Bodies at rest tend to rest. Newton’s First Law of Motion.”
Another thing you’d been wrong about, you smiled to yourself in the darkness. It hadn’t been about breaking the laws of physics at all. It had been about following them. (From blc's The M-Rated Magpie's Nest- Chapter 18)

2. As soon as we get there, I’m heading straight for a vet clinic that euthanizes animals…
You come near me again and I’ll tear out your voice box!
They’d believe that... He’s injured; therefore, he’s suffering. Let’s put him out of his misery…
You come near her again and I’ll rip out a chunk of your other thigh muscle!
Mutt…
Cripple… (from Epic LoVer's Everyone out of the Water- Chapter 43)

3. “I’m thinking...stampede.” Said Flack.
“Of what?”
“Goats.”
“What?” Stella asked as Quinn stepped out into the garden.
“I said, let there be goats!” Flack said to the sky, holding his hand up dramatically. Oddly enough, someone must’ve been listening because Quinn was immediately trampled by a flood of at least two hundred goats running in from nowhere. They varied in color but were all the same size and running as fast as their little legs would carry them; which was surprisingly fast. They were gone as soon as they came and seemingly evaporated into thin air. (from LadyStellaSkye's Cinderella Bonasera- Chapter 3)

4. “You’re far too beautiful to be my mother.”

Angela was clearly thrown off guard by Zack’s comment.

“Was that a line I just heard you use, or were you just being…you.”

“A line?”

Angela smiled, although Zack hadn’t explained himself at all and had merely shown confusion over what Angela was referring to. Evidently, it meant something to her that he didn’t quite understand.

“Wow, Zack. That was actually really sweet of you to say.”

“I wasn’t trying to be sweet. It’s just a fact. You’re beautiful.” (from comedienne-quinn's Defying Logic- Chapter 12)

5. “Nahp nash-veh dom mahr-tor na't'ko-veh uzh Gaila. Mahr-tor na'nash-veh,” I said, thinking out loud. If had to buy a new dress for Gaila, I might as well buy one for myself.

He regarded me for a long moment, as if weighing out his response. When he spoke, it was in Vulcan. “Yon-kur.”

In red. (from outtabreath's What Would Doctor Flenderson Do?- Chapter 5)

Writing music?: I listen to heavy metal, movie/TV show soundtracks or a scrambled egg grab bag playlist on YouTube because I don't have an iPod or Zune (yet).

Hardest to write: One of those fics when everyone gets hurt all the time. I don't like putting the characters through hell.

Easiest to write: Romantic relationships/dialogue and dark/witty/perverted humor

Pet peeves in others’ writing: Bad spelling and/or grammar, weak endings, bad smut. If you're going to write smut, do it right or don't bother.

Prefer 1st, 2nd, or 3rd person?: It depends. Usually I stick with 3rd. I do dabble in 1st person now for my JE stories

Ever created a Mary Sue?: NO. God, no. EW. I stick with OCs.

Which is hardest to write—beginning, middle or end?: End. I don't want to leave it too open ended but at the same time I don't want to pull a JK Rowling and do a weak epilogue that pisses people off.

Best thing about writing/being a writer: Other people telling you that reading your work made them happy and just the writing in general. It's freeing.

Worst thing about writing/being a writer: Time restraints when attempting to complete fics and I have a tendency to do that to myself. I'm masochistic like that.

Writing—hobby or addiction?: You know that Simple Plan song line? Well, I'm a dick- I'm addicted to writing.

Longest case of writer’s block: Maybe about a month...month and a half. Any longer than that and I force myself to write something, usually smut. LOL!

FANFICTION DEFINITION (found and adored on Tumblr):

“Fan fiction is what literature might look like if it were reinvented from scratch after a nuclear apocalypse by a band of brilliant pop-culture junkies trapped in a sealed bunker. They don’t do it for money. That’s not what it’s about. The writers write it and put it up online just for the satisfaction. They’re fans, but they’re not silent, couchbound consumers of media. The culture talks to them, and they talk back to the culture in its own language.”

The Boy Who Lived Forever Time Magazine (via gypsy-sunday)

SERIES, SHOTS, AND SEQUELS- MY ONGOING FFN PROJECT/TRADEMARK: Greetings, y'all! Well, 2019 is done and over and that means that it's time to get SSS 2020 in play! Circumstances have changed in my life, leaving me unable (but not unwilling) to write as I wish to. But, I am a woman of principle. I said I'd do this and I will, even if it takes a while to really get things started. I am taking requests. Even if they're "When are you going to update/finish *insert 2010-2019 WIP* here, CMW2? I'm dying to know what happens next!" requests. This shall be most kick ass and I look forward to getting it going. With love, CMW2.

The majority of SSS fics are going to be rated M (because it's me) and any ideas you guys have for plots will be much appreciated. I'll put a tag on each of them so you can read them in order if you wish.

WORDS TO LIVE BY: "If you're holding a feather, you're erotic. If you're holding the whole chicken, you're perverted...or just really hungry.

FANDOM IS... (found and adored on Tumblr...)

Fandom is focus. Fandom is obsession. Fandom is insatiable consumption. Fandom is sitting for hours in front of a TV screen a movie screen a computer screen with a comic book a novel on your lap. Fandom is eyestrain and carpal tunnel syndrome and not enough exercise and staying up way, way past your bedtime.

Fandom is people you don’t tell your mother you’re meeting. Fandom is people in the closet, people out and proud, people in costumes, people in T-shirts with slogans only fifty others would understand. Fandom is a loud dinner conversation scaring the waiter and every table nearby.

Fandom is you in Germany and me in the US and him in Australia and her in Japan. Fandom is a sofabed in New York, a roadtrip to Oxnard, a friend behind a face in London. Fandom talks past timezones and accents and backgrounds. Fandom is conversation. Communication. Contact.

Fandom is drama. Fandom is melodrama. Fandom is high school. Fandom is Snacky’s law and Godwin’s law and Murphy’s law. Fandom is smarter than you. Fandom is stupider than you. Fandom is five arguments over and over and over again. Fandom is the first time you’ve ever had them.

Fandom is female. Fandom is male. Fandom lets female play at being male. Fandom bends gender, straight, gay, prude, promiscuous. Fandom is fantasy. Fandom doesn’t care about norms or taboos or boundaries. Fandom cares too much about norms and taboos and boundaries. Fandom is not real life. Fandom is closer than real life. Fandom knows what you’re really like in the bedroom. Fandom is how you would never, could never be in the bedroom.

Fandom is shipping, never shipping, het, slash, gen, none of the above, more than the above. Fandom is love for characters you didn’t create. Fandom is recreating the characters you didn’t create. Fandom is appropriation, subversion, dissention. Fandom is adoration, extrapolation, imitation. Fandom is dissection, criticism, interpretation. Fandom is changing, experimenting, attempting.

Fandom is creating. Fandom is drawing, painting, vidding: nine seasons in four minutes of love. Fandom is words, language, authoring. Fandom is essays, stories, betas, parodies, filks, zines, usenet posts, blog posts, message board posts, emails, chats, petitions, wank, concrit, feedback, recs. Fandom is writing for the first time since you were twelve. Fandom is finally calling yourself a writer.

Fandom is signal and response. Fandom is a stranger moving you to tears, anger, laughter. Fandom is you moving a stranger to speak.

Fandom is distraction. Fandom is endangering your job, your grades, your relationships, your bank account. Fandom gets no work done. Fandom is too much work. Fandom was/is just a phase. Fandom could never be just a phase. Fandom is where you found a friend, a sister, a kindred spirit. Fandom is where you found a talent, a love, a reason.

Fandom is where you found yourself.

http:///187818.html

This makes me tear up every time. I love all my fandoms.

(via gointorosedale)

The following is a list of the numerous ships I'm into and 9 times out of 10, the main pairing of my stories will be from here.

Elliot/Olivia from Law and Order:SVU

Marshall/Mary, Stan/Eleanor and Brandi/Peter from In Plain Sight

Meredith/Derek, Sloan/Lexie, Hunt/Yang, Warren/Bailey, Hunt/Amelia Shepherd, Maggie/Deluca, and George/ Izzie from Grey's Anatomy

Pete/Addison, Violet/Cooper, and Naomi/Dell from Private Practice

Anakin/Padme, Kyp/Jaina and Luke/Mara from Star Wars

Chakotay/Janeway, Torres/Paris, Icheb/Naomi, and Chakotay/Seven from Star Trek:Voyager

Ezri/Julian,Odo/Kira, Sisko/Kasidy, Garak/Ziyal, Jake/Korena, Shar/Prynn, and Asarem/Krim from Star Trek:DS9

Booth/Brennan, Hodgins/Angela, Zach/OC, Sweets/Daisy and Zach/Cam from BONES

House/Cameron and Wilson/Cuddy from HOUSE M.D.

Jack/Kate from LOST

Daniel/Betty from Ugly Betty

Harm/Mac from JAG

Tony/Ziva, McGee/Abby, Kate/Ari, Palmer/Lee, Palmer/Breena, Ducky/Penny, and Gibbs/Jenny from NCIS

Grissom/Sara, Nick/Sofia, Greg/Riley, Catherine/Vartann and Catherine/Warrick from CSI

Mac/Stella, Flack/Angell, Adam/Kendall and Danny/Lindsay from CSI: New York

Calleigh/Horatio and Ryan/Natalia from CSI: Miami

Michael/Fiona and Sam/Madeline from Burn Notice

Tenth Doctor/Rose from Doctor Who

Mulder/Scully and Doggett/Reyes from The X-Files

Hotch/JJ,Hotch/OC, Rossi/Strauss, Morgan/Garcia, Reid/OC, Reid/Maeve, and Reid/Emily from Criminal Minds

Goren/Eames and Logan/Wheeler from Law and Order: CI

Charlie/Amita and Don/Nikki from Numb3rs

Teresa/Patrick and Rigsby/Van Pelt from The Mentalist

Spock/Uhura, McCoy/Chapel and Sarek/Amanda from Star Trek 2009

Jack/Nora and Arturo/Chloe from Mental

Tony/Pepper and Happy/Natasha from Iron Man

Claire/Sylar and Peter/Emma from HEROES

Trip/T'Pol and Hoshi/Reed from Star Trek:Enterprise

Lilly/Scotty from Cold Case

Sam/Laura from The Day After Tomorrow

Shang/Mulan from Mulan

Tony/Jennifer from The Sopranos

Lee/Edward from Secretary

Arnold/Helga, Curly/Rhonda, Nadine/PeaPod Kid and Harold/Patty from Hey Arnold!

Jimmy/Cindy and Sheen/Libby from Jimmy Neutron

Chuck/Sarah from Chuck

Carly/Freddie from iCarly

Lizzie/Gordo from Lizzie McGuire

Tori/Andre from VicTORiUS

Michael/Connie from Law and Order

RJ/Jenny from The Hard Times of RJ Berger

Ben/Abigail from National Treasure

Joan/Arthur and Annie/Auggie from Covert Affairs

Hart/Matthews from Miss Congeniality

Dean/Jaime from Dark Blue

Ferb/Isabella from Phineas and Ferb

Divya/Evan from Royal Pains

Will/Maggie and Tanya/Miles from Rubicon

Jake/ED from Surviving the Applewhites

Trent/Daria from Daria

Ranger/Stephanie from Janet Evanovich's Stephanie Plum series

Hercules/Meg from Hercules

Batman/ Wonder Woman from Justice League

Max/Naomi from 90210

Nico/Dani from Necessary Roughness

Charles/Cassie, Lizzie/Andrew, Eddie/Jenn from Lincoln Heights

Perseus/Io from Clash of the Titans 2010

Moose/Camille and Luke/Natalie from Step Up 3

Sheldon/Penny from The Big Bang Theory

Kate/Ben from Fairly Legal

Clint "Hawkeye" Barton/ Natasha "Black Widow" Romanov, Agent Maria Hill/Captain Steve "Captain America" Rogers, Tony "Iron Man" Stark/Pepper Potts, Captain Steve "Captain America" Rogers/OC, Dr. Bruce "The HULK" Banner/OC, Thor/Dr. Jane Foster, and Dr. Bruce "The HULK" Banner/ Darcy Lewis from The Avengers (2012)

Thor/ Dr. Jane Foster and Darcy Lewis/Fandral the Dashing from Thor

Zenon/Proto Zoa from Zenon

Operative #5 Aaron Cross/ Dr. Marta Shearing from The Bourne Legacy

Mickey Lobel/ Johnny Flannigan from Trouble with the Curve

Beca / Jesse, Donald / Lilly, Aubrey/Unicycle and Chloe / Benji from Pitch Perfect

Scott Voss / Bella Flores from Here Comes the Boom

Sherlock Holmes / Joan Watson from Elementary

Stacy/George Dryer from Playing for Keeps

Tiffany Maxwell/Pat Solitano Jr. from Silver Linings Playbook (2012)

Rick Castle/ Kate Beckett from Castle

Olivia Pope/Fitzgerald "Fitz" Grant, Quinn/Charlie, and Huck/Quinn from Scandal

John Reese/Detective Carter from Person of Interest

Rey/Finn and OT3 (Rey/Finn/Poe) from Star Wars: The Force Awakens

Oliver Queen/Felicity Smoak from Arrow

Barry Allen/Iris West from The Flash

Rick Grimes/Michonne, Carl Grimes/Enid, Glenn Rhee/Maggie Greene, Daryl Dixon/Beth Greene, Daryl Dixon/Sasha Williams, Daryl Dixon/Rosita Espinosa, Daryl Dixon/Sherry, Sasha Williams/Abraham Ford, Rosita Espinosa/Abraham Ford, Rosita Espinosa/Siddiq, Eric Raleigh/Aaron, Aaron/Paul 'Jesus' Rovia, Carol Peletier/King Ezekiel, Enid/Alden (defector from The Saviors), Daryl Dixon/Connie, Rosita Espinosa/Father Gabriel Stokes, and Daryl Dixon/Carol Peletier from The Walking Dead

Jamie/Claire from Outlander

Sherlock Holmes/Dr. Molly Hooper, Dr. John Watson/Mary Morstan, Dr. John Watson/Sally Donovan, and Greg Lestrade/Sally Donovan from Sherlock

Dr. Harleen 'Harley Quinn' Quinzel/ Floyd 'Deadshot' Lawton from Suicide Squad (2016)

Bruce Wayne/Selina Kyle, Dr. Lee Thompkins/Jim Gordon, Dr. Lee Thompkins/Edward Nygma, Tabitha Galavan/Butch Gilzean, Jim Gordon/Sofia Falcone, Tabitha Galavan/Alfred Pennyworth, Fish Mooney/Detective Harvey Bullock, Edward Nygma/Oswald Cobblepot, and Tabitha Galavan/Barbara Kean from GOTHAM

Dick Grayson(Robin/Nightwing)/Kory Anders(Starfire) from Titans (2018)

Thor/Valkyrie from Thor: Ragnorak

Peter Parker/Michelle 'MJ' Jones from Spiderman: Homecoming

T'Challa/Nakia and Okoye/M'Baku from Black Panther

Colonel James 'Rhodey' Rhodes (War Machine)/Nebula from Avengers: Endgame

The more shows and movies I watch (and books I read and re-read), the longer the list will become.

I'm much better about checking my email, now so feel free to drop me a line.

I'm up for reasonable challenges and suggestions on writing techniques.

Much love, CMW2

Dumb Labels (I always laugh when I see these)

On a Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.(Well, gee but my hair only stays straight when I give myself 3rd degree burns...damn it!)

On a bag of Frito's!
..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (Well, shit. I might as well just eat them in the store, then. Save some time.)

On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap." (Oh, darn. I was hoping to use it as a substitution for ketchup)

On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost." ( But, it tastes better when it's frozen...)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
"Do not turn upside down." (Whoopsie. Oh,well...)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating." (Really? I mean, I can put something in the microwave or oven and it'll get hot? That's...cosmic.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts." (That's what she said.)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: let digest Step 4: Find the nearest bathroom and...)

On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."(Wow. Just...wow.)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."(Damn, there's some freaky people in Sweden...I'll have to live there)

On T-Rat (Military food):
Its not for Human Consumption, Animals and Military Use only... (I didn't know the military was human...I thought it was run by cyborgs... wait, that's Terminator. My bad!)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (Aw, come on! That cuts my morning routine in half! 3rd degree burns is a small price to pay for the first rack of donuts at Kripsy Kreme!)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (No, you can't watch Dora! Why? Well, because you're not to operate heavy machinery and the remote's-no, wait, go ahead and don't forget to move the car after nap time. Your little sister's resurfacing the driveway)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (Look, I haven't gotten any sleep in over a week! I want to be drowsy! I want to dream again! I miss playing grab ass with Sonic and Abe Lincoln on Bacon Island!)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (Okay, but I was planning to put some on the International Space Station so is that okay? I mean, space is outdoors...)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (Hold up, what's the other use? Castration of woodland creatures? Homemade vibrator? Stunt double on Will It Blend? Help me, I'm confused!)

For people that hate stereotypes: If you think people should just shut up and stop, put this on your profile. (BOLD the ones you are.)
I'm SKINNY, so I MUST be anorexic.
I'm EMO, so I MUST cut my wrists.
I'm a NEGRO so I MUST carry a gun.
I'm BLONDE, so I MUST be a ditz
I'm JAMAICAN so I MUST smoke weed.
I'm HAITIAN so I MUST eat cat.
I'm ASIAN, so I MUST be sexy.
I'm JEWISH, so I MUST be greedy.
I'm GAY, so I MUST have AIDS.
I'm a LESBIAN, so I MUST have a sex-tape.
I'm ARAB, so I MUST be a terrorist.
I SPEAK MY MIND, so I MUST be a bitch.
I'm a GAY RIGHTS SUPPORTER, so I WILL go to hell.
I'm a CHRISTAN, so I MUST think gay people should go to hell.
I'm RELIGIOUS, so I MUST shove my beliefs down your throat.
I'm ATHEIST so I MUST hate the world.
I don't have a RELIGION, so I MUST be evil and have no morals
I'm REPUBLICAN, so I MUST not care about poor people.
I'm DEMOCRAT, so I MUST not believe in being responsible.
I am LIBERAL, so I MUST be gay.
I'm SOUTHERN, so I MUST be white trash.
I TAKE (or used to take) ANTI-DEPRESSANTS, so I MUST be crazy.
I'm a GUY, so I MUST only want to get into your pants.
I'm IRISH, so I MUST have a bad drinking problem.
I'm INDIAN, so I MUST own a convenient store.
I'm NATIVE AMERICAN, so I MUST dance around a fire screaming like a savage.
I'm a CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be a whore...
I'm a DANCER, So I must be stupid, stuck up, and a whore
I wear SKIRTS a lot, so I MUST be a slut.
I'm a PUNK, so I MUST do drugs.
I'm RICH, so I MUST be a conceited snob.
I WEAR BLACK, so I MUST be a goth or emo
I'm a WHITE GIRL, so I MUST be a nagging, steal-your-money kind of girlfriend
I'm CUBAN, so I MUST spend my spare time rolling cigars.
I'm NOT A VIRGIN, so I MUST be easy.
I FELL IN LOVE WITH A MARRIED MAN, so I MUST be a home-wrecking whore.
I'm a TEENAGE MOM, so I MUST be an irresponsible slut.
I'm POLISH, so I MUST wear my socks with my sandals
I'm ITALIAN, so I must have a "big one".
I'm EGYPTIAN, so I must be a TERRORIST!
I'm PRETTY, so I MUST not be a virgin.
I HAVE STRAIGHT A'S, so I MUST have no social life.
I DYE MY HAIR CRAZY COLORS, so I MUST be looking for attention.
I DRESS IN UNUSUAL WAYS so I MUST be looking for attention.
I'm INTO THEATER & ART, so I MUST be a homosexual.
I'm a VEGETARIAN, so I MUST be a crazy political activist.
I HAVE A BUNCH OF GUY FRIENDS, so I MUST be fucking them all.
I HAVE A BUNCH OF GIRLS WHO ARE FRIENDS, so I MUST be a player.
I have Big BOOBS, so I MUST be a hoe.
I'm COLOMBIAN, so I MUST be a drug dealer.
I WEAR WHAT I WANT, so I MUST be a poser.
I'm RUSSIAN, so I MUST be cool and that's how Russians roll.
I'm GERMAN, so I must be a Nazi.
I hang out with GAYS, so i must be GAY TOO
I'm BRAZILIAN, so I MUST have a BIG BUTT.
I'm PUERTO RICAN, so I MUST look good and be conceited
I'm SALVADORIAN, so I MUST be in MS 13
I'm POLISH, so I MUST be greedy
I'm HAWAIIAN so I MUST be lazy
I'm PERUVIAN, so I MUST like llamas
I'm a STONER so I MUST be going in the wrong direction
I'm a VIRGIN so I MUST be prude (Am not. Just read my work)
I'm STRAIGHT EDGE so I must be violent.
I'm a FEMALE GAMER, so I MUST be ugly.. or crazy.(Ugly? No. Crazy? Yes. ROUND ONE...FIGHT!)
I'm BLACK so I MUST love fried chicken and kool-aid.(Hey, that's good eating. Especially during summer)
I'm a GIRL who actually EATS LUNCH, so I MUST be fat.
I'm SINGLE so I MUST be ugly.(No. I'm reasonably attractive. I just have no real use for men right now)
I'm a SKATER so I must do weed and steal stuff
I'm a PUNK so I must only wear black and date only other punks
I'm ASIAN so I must be a NERD that does HOMEWORK 24/7
I'm CHRISTIAN so I MUST hate homosexuals.
I'm MIXED so I must be screwed up.
I'm MUSLIM so I MUST be a terrorist.
I'm in BAND, so I MUST be a dork.(Some of the coolest people I know play the damn tuba, so that's bull.)
I'm BLACK so I MUST believe JESUS WUZ A BROTHA (wtf?!)
I'm MORMON so I MUST be perfect
I'm WHITE and have black friends so I MUST think I'm black
I'm GOTH so I MUST worship the devil
I'm HISPANIC, so I MUST be dirty.
I'm NOT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, so I MUST be a loser.
I'm OVERWEIGHT, so I MUST have a problem with self control. (Only a little and I DO have a weakness for Chinese food...)
I'm PREPPY, so I MUST shun those who don't wear Abercrombie & Hollister.
I'm on a DANCE team, so I must be stupid, stuck up, and a whore.
I'm YOUNG, so I MUST be naive.(I'm bitter. Hell, the C in my penname stands for Cynic)
I'm RICH, so I MUST be a conceited snob
I'm MEXICAN, so I MUST have hopped the border.
I'm BLACK, so I MUST love watermelon (Again, good eating.)
I'm BI, so I MUST think every person I see is hot.
I'm an ASIAN GUY, so I MUST have a small penis.
I'm a GUY CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be gay.
I'm a PREP, so I MUST be rich.
I don't like the SUN so I MUST be an albino.
I have a lot of FRIENDS, so I MUST love to drink and party.
I wear tight PANTS and I'm a guy, so I MUST be emo.
I couldn't hurt a FLY, So I MUST be a pussy.
I support GAY RIGHTS, so I MUST fit in with everyone.
I hang out with teenage drinkers and smokers, so I MUST smoke and drink too.
I have ARTISTIC TALENT, so I MUST think little of those who don't.
I don't like to be in a BIG GROUP, so I MUST be anti-social.
I have a DIFFERENT sense of HUMOR, so I MUST be crazy.
I tell people OFF, so I MUST be an over controlling bitch.
My hair gets GREASY a lot, so I MUST have no hygiene skills.
I'm DEFENSIVE, so I MUST be over controlling and a bitch.
I'm a NUDIST, so I MUST want everyone to see my boobs.(No. I just hate doing laundry)
I read Comics, so I MUST be a loser
I hang out with a FORMER PROSTITUTE.. So I MUST be a whore myself.
I'm TEXAN so I MUST ride a horse
I’m a GOTH, so I MUST be a Satanist
I’m a CROSSDRESSER, so I must be homosexual.
I draw ANIME so I MUST be a freak
I am a FANGIRL so I MUST be a crazy, obsessed stalker.
I WATCH PORN so I MUST be perverted.
I'm INTELLIGENT so I MUST be weak.(I could actually do well in a fight, not that I'm looking to get into one)
I am AMERICAN so I MUST be obese, loud-mouthed and arrogant.
I'm WELSH so I MUST love sheep
I’m a YOUNG WRITER, so I MUST be emo.
I’m CANADIAN, so I MUST talk with a funny accent.
I'm a GUY, so I MUST ditch my pregnant girlfriend.
I'm CANADIAN, so I MUST love hockey and beavers.
I'm DISABLED, so I MUST be on Welfare.
I'm a FEMINIST, so I MUST have a problem with sexuality and I want to castrate every man on the earth.(Just a few of them)
I'm a TEENAGER, so I MUST have a STEREOTYPE.
I WEAR A BIG SUNHAT when I go outside, so I MUST be stupid.
I like BLOOD, so I must be a VAMPIRE.
I'm an ALBINO, so I MUST be an evil person with mental abilities and is A MURDERER!
I'm ENGLISH, so I MUST speak with either a cockney or a posh accent, love tea and cricket, and have bad teeth.
I’m WHITE, so I MUST be responsible for everything going wrong on the planet: past, present, and future
I don't like YAOI or YURI, so I must be a HOMOPHOBE
I’m not the most POPULAR person in school, so I MUST be a loser
I care about the ENVIRONMENT...I MUST be a tree hugging hippy
I have a FAN CHARACTER, so I MUST be an annoying Mary-sue.
I CHAT, I MUST be having cyber sex.
I'm PAGAN so I MUST sacrifice babies and drink the blood of virgins
I'm PAGAN so I MUST worship Satan
I'm CONSERVATIVE, so I MUST be against Abortion
I'm SWEDISH so I MUST be a tall blond blue-eyed lesbian.
I'm a LESBIAN so I MUST want to get with every single girl that I see.
I like CARTOONS, so I MUST be IRRESPONSIBLE.
I like READING, so I MUST be a LONER.
I have my OWN spiritual ideology; therefore I MUST be WRONG or MISGUIDED.
I am WICCAN, so I MUST be a SATANIST.
I DISAGREE with my government, so I MUST be a TERRORIST.
I am a WITCH, so I MUST be and OLD HAG and fly on a broomstick.
I love YAOI, so I MUST be GAY.
I'm a PERSON, so I MUST be LABELED
I DON'T CURSE, so I MUST be an outcast
I like GAMES, ANIME and COMICS, so I MUST be childish
I'm SWEDISH, therefore I MUST be WHITE.
I SPOT GRAMMATICAL ERRORS, so I MUST be a pedantic bastard.
I'm GOTHIC, so I MUST be mean.
I’m STRONG so I MUST be stupid.
I'm Australian so I MUST hunt crocodiles and talk to kangaroo’s
I go to RENFAIRES, so I MUST talk weird, be a loser, and not be up with the times(They're fun and they have good turkey)
I’m GAY so I’m after EVERY straight guy around.
I don’t want a BOYFRIEND so I MUST be Lesbian
I'm NOT CHRISTIAN so I MUST just need converting.
I like marching band, so I MUST be a friendless freak.
I DRINK and SMOKE, so I MUST have no life.
I an friends with a CUTTER, so I MUST be a CUTTER too.
I cry easily, so I MUST be a wimp.

I like fire so I MUST be a crazy arsonist
I can't help pointing out mistakes so I MUST be an over-controlling perfectionist
I'm a PERFECTIONIST so I MUST check everything ten times, them burst into tears at one mistake
I DON"T LIKE to talk about my personal life so I MUST be having problems

How to Tell if You're a Writer

-If you talk to yourself.
-If you talk to yourself about talking to yourself (i.e. ‘I wonder why I talk to myself so much?’)
-If, when you talk to yourself, you sometimes speak as if talking to another person (i.e. ‘Okay, so have you ever noticed that the word ‘deliver’ could mean removing someone’s liver?’)
-If, after uttering a profound piece of wisdom like that above, you stare at the cookie in your hand in awe and say, ‘Wow, this is good stuff for sugar highs!’
-If you live off of sugar and caffeine.
-If people start to notice that you tend to check your e-mail every day for a week, then suddenly disappear off the face of the planet.
-If your e-mails tend to be pages long and incredibly random.
-If, when replying to someone else’s e-mail, you are sometimes so random that you fail to address the original message altogether.
-If you tend to collect the Bic Stics people leave lying around, kind of like picking pennies off the ground.
-If, no matter where you are in your room, you never have to so much as get up to reach a pen/pencil and paper.
-If the letters are starting to wear off on the keys of your keyboard.
-If people think you might have A.D.D.
-If you think it’d be cool to have A.D.D.
-If you start constantly talking in third person, past tense.
-If you think about making lists like this, and start giggling for no ‘apparent’ reason.
-If your friends don’t even bother to look funny at you anymore when you start giggling for no apparent reason.
-And finally, the number one way to tell if you’re a good writer: If you worship English 101.

I saw this on Tumblr and adored it. I want to reblog it forever and I want it to be a part of my profile on here, too. I feel this way a lot and I can only hope I can find a guy (skinny or otherwise) that's like the one in this passage. Enjoy and pass along to as many as you can. It's called, "10 Honest Thoughts on Being Loved by a Skinny Boy" by the awesome Rachel Wiley.

1.
I say, ‘I am fat.’
He says ‘No, you are beautiful.’
I wonder why I cannot be both.
He kisses me
hard.

2.
My college theater professor once told me
that despite my talent,
I would never be cast as a romantic lead.
We do plays that involve singing animals
and children with the ability to fly,
but apparently no one
has enough willing suspension of disbelief
to go with anyone loving a fat girl.
I daydream regularly
about fucking my boyfriend vigorously on his front lawn.

3.
On the mornings I do not feel pretty,
while he is still asleep,
I sit on the floor and check the pockets of his skinny jeans for motive,
for a punchline,
for other girls’ phone numbers.

4.
When we hold hands in public,
I wonder if he notices the looks —
like he is handling a parade balloon on a crowded sidewalk;
if he notices that my hands are now made of rope.

5.
Dear Cosmo: Fuck you.
I will not take sex tips from you
on how to please a man you think I do not deserve.

6.
He tells me he loves me with the lights on.

7.
I can cup his hip bone in my hand,
feel his ribs without pressing very hard at all.
He does not believe me when I tell him he is beautiful.
Sometimes I fear the day he does will be the day he leaves.

8.
The cute hipster girl at the coffee shop
assumes we are just friends
and flirts over the counter.
I spend the next two weeks
mentally replacing myself with her
in all of our photographs.
When I admit this to him
we spend the evening taking new photos together.
He will not let me delete a single one of them.

9.
The phrase “Big girls need love too” can die in a fire.
Fucking me does not require an asterisk.
Loving me is not a fetish.
Finding me beautiful is not a novelty.
I am not a fucking novelty.

10.
I say, ‘I am fat.’
He says, ‘No. You are so much more’,
and kisses me
hard.

—“10 Honest Thoughts On Being Loved By A Skinny Boy,” Rachel Wiley. (via vlorin

Another gem from Tumblr...

Stand naked in front of a mirror for a long time, under unflattering light if possible. Trace the rises and falls of the little ripples on your skin — the scars, the dimples, the cellulite — and think about how much you try to hide these things in your day-to-day. Wonder why you hate them so much, and if this hate stems from somewhere within yourself, or as a result of being told all your life that it’s wrong to have physical flaws. Wonder what you would think of your body if you never looked at a magazine, if you never thought about celebrities and models, if you never had to wonder where someone would rate you on a scale of 10. Look at yourself until the initial recoil softens, and you can consider your features in a more forgiving frame of mind.

Listen to the music which makes you want to both sob and dance with uninhibited joy, and allow yourself to repeat any song you want as many times as your heart desires. Think of the person you are when you have your favorite song in your headphones and are walking down a street you feel you own completely, swaying your hips and smiling for no good reason — remember how many things you love about yourself during those moments, how much you are willing to forgive in yourself, how confident you are for no good reason. Try to think of confidence as a gift you give yourself when you need it, instead of something you have to siphon from every unreliable source in your life. Dance because the music makes you remember how much you love yourself, not because it allows you to forget the fact that you don’t.

Write a list of all the things you like about yourself, even if you think it’s a self-indulgent and narcissistic activity. Start as early as you like in your life — put down that time you won a trophy playing little league soccer when you were eight and then got an extra-large shake at the DQ on the way home, and don’t feel silly for remembering it. Try to understand how many sources in your life happiness can come from, how many things you could be proud of if you chose to. Ask yourself why you so tightly limit the things you take pride in, why you set your own hurdles for happiness and fulfillment so much higher than you do with anyone else in your life. Let your list go on for pages and pages if you want it to.

Touch and care for yourself with the attention and the patience that you would someone you loved more than life itself. Rub lotion in small circles on your elbows and hands when it is cold and your skin is dry and cracked. Make soup for yourself when your nose is running and curl up, with your favorite movie, in a pile of expertly-stacked pillows. Light a few candles and let their glow flicker against your body. Admire how gentle they are, how delicately their warmth touches you — wonder why you don’t let yourself do the same. Soak your feet in warm water at the end of a long day, until they have forgiven you for walking on them for so long without so much as a “thank you.” Listen to your body when it aches to be touched, and don’t be afraid to give it every orgasm that you may have been too ashamed to ask for in someone else’s bed.

Be patient with yourself, and don’t worry if a switch doesn’t flip in you which abruptly takes you from “crippling self-doubt” to “uncompromising self-love.” Allow yourself all the trepidation and clumsy, uneven infatuation that you would with a promising stranger. Try only to be kinder, to be softer, and to remember all of the things within you which are worth loving. Listen to the voice in the back of your head which tells you, as much out of sadness as anger, “You are ugly. You are stupid. You are boring.” Give it the fleeting moment of attention it so craves, and then remind it, “Even if that were true, I’d still be worth loving.”

— Chelsea Fagan, How To Fall In Love With Yourself (via larmoyante)