About Me: First, I've deleted a few stories, sorry about that but the point of fanfiction is to have fun and those stories weren't fun anymore. Second, my name used to be Shadowfox.Snowblitz. Otherwise, I'll read almost any fandom I have an okay grasp of. I write about one out of every hundred story ideas I get, even the ones I really want to write, that's because I'm really horrible at updating. My favorite pairing ever is Kid Flash/Jinx from Teen Titans, bad grammar bugs me to no end. My specialities are: finding and fixing plot holes and understanding different personalities really well. I read constantly, probably the main reason I'm good at writing. Other than that, in real life I'm female, a complete teacher's pet and not afraid to admit it, good at academics and art, bad at sports. I'm American and ashamed to admit it, we are not doing very well on any front. That's probably a lot more than you technically need to know about me, so the rest of my profile is taken up by quotes.

You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.

"Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed."

"I used all my sick days, so I called in dead."

"Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate."

"No, I won't go to hell! It has a restraining order against me!"

"It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."

"You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me!"

"When life gives you lemons, throw them back, because I mean really? Who likes lemons?"

Know thine enemy. That way you can yell "happy birthday!" in battle and surprise them.

The queen is never late. Which is why it's a good thing I'm not the queen.

"Smile; it makes people wonder what you're up to."

"I talk to myself because my answers are the only ones I accept."

"I'd like to be a procrastinator, but I just can't get started."

"Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap... you decide."

"I used to see a shrink... until she said life isn't for everyone."

A good reporter reports things no one else knew about you. A great reporter reports things you didn't know about you.

“Step one: Tell the truth.

Step Two: Run.”

"When I get a little money, I buy books, and, if there is any left, I buy food and clothes." -Erasmus

Guns don't kill people. Bullets kill people.

"Don't run in the school hall, gliding is more fun!"

"What happens if you get scared half to death twice?"

"My mind works like lightning...one brilliant flash and it's gone."

"Do not take life too seriously; no one gets out alive."

"If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk."

"Why be difficult, when with just a little bit more effort, you can be impossible?"

“Don't you dare tell me the sky is the limit when there are footsteps on the moon."

"I was going to take over the world, but I got distracted by something sparkly."

"Don't hit kids. No, seriously, they have guns now."

"Welcome to the internet, pants optional."

"Warning: Trespassers will be shot, Survivors will be shot again."

"Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself."

"History doesn't repeat itself. It yells, 'Didn't you hear what I just said?!' and lets the hammer fly."

"His tracking device must be on a speedboat. Unless, of course, he can swim sixty miles an hour."

“Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window...”

“Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity"

"Eat well, stay fit, die anyway"

“Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put into the loony bin?”

“At the drive-thru, when they hand you your food, hand them a bag with all the trash from your car in it.”

"There is a fine line between insanity and stupidity. Feel free to cross it!"

"I hijacked a rainbow and crashed into a pot of gold."

“Ignorance is having to squish the same spider 3 times before realizing that something is wrong.”

“Fu, Bu, and Chu immigrated to the USA from China. They decided to become American citizens, and ‘Americanize’ their names.
Bu called himself ‘Buck’.
Chu called himself ‘Chuck’.
Fu decided to return to China.”

"People like you are the reason why we have middle fingers."

"If your heart was really broken you'd be dead, so shut up."

"Yes, I do use my hairbrush as a microphone and dance around in my underwear, thank you very much."

"Please: Don't throw your cigarette butts on the floor, the cockroaches are getting cancer."

"If electricity comes from electrons, where do you think morality comes from?"

"When in doubt, make up words!"

"Home is not where you live, but where they understand you."

"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you!"

"When it rains on my party, I bust out the slip n' slide."

"A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work."

"Give a person a fish and feed them for a day, teach them how to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks!"

You can learn a lot about a person if you just take the time to inject them with sodium pentothal. -Anonymous

A man gazing on the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles on the road. -Alexander Smith

Anathema disapproved of liquor in general but approved of it in her specific case. -Terry Pratchett, Neil Gaiman

Truth, justice, honor...none of that's worth shit. What matters is people, and people aren't honest or just or honorable. They're petty and they're angry and they're afraid, and all anyone really wants, deep down, is to be wanted. And what's truth to that? -M. Clark

Practical politics consists of ignoring facts. -Henry Brooks Adams

Futue te ipsum et caballum tuum. - Screw you and the horse you rode in on. -Anonymous

If I had all the money I've spent on drink, I'd spend it on drink. -Stanshall Vivian

Maturity is knowing that just because someone disagrees with you doesn't mean he's a horse's ass. -Harry S Truman

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to. -Dorothy Parker

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. -Mark Twain

Aziraphale patted Crowley on the back. "We seem to have survived," he said. "Just imagine how terrible it might have been if we'd been at all competent." -Terry Pratchett, Neil Gaiman Good Omens

I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much. -Mother Teresa of Calcutta

People are morons. I don't have any other explanation. I really don't. -Joss Whedon

The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring in nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money. -Mark Twain

No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats - approximately 1.5 billion Chinese couldn't care less. -Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom

On the way back, they sang a number of tuneful and reflective songs on the subjects of peace, justice, morality, culture, sport, family life, and the obliteration of all other life forms. -Douglas Adams

Anybody remotely interesting is mad, in some way or another. -Doctor Who

When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have handled this?" -Brady's First Law of Problem Solving

I take a simple view of living. It is keep your eyes open and get on with it. -Sir Laurence Olivier

Committee -- a group of people who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done. -Fred Allen

Question: Why does God allow evil in the world?

To thicken the plot. -Sri Ramakrishna

If you're going to do something wrong, at least enjoy it. -Leo C. Rosten

The object of war is not to die for your country, but to make the other bastard die for his. -George S. Patton

Among life's perpetually charming questions is whether the truly evil do more harm than the self-righteous and wrong. -Jon Margolis

The willing, Destiny guides them; the unwilling, Destiny drags them. -Seneca the Younger

You're free to do what I tell you to do.

I have PMS and superpowers. Now, what were you saying?

The person who smiles when things have gone wrong has usually found someone to blame it on.

Love your enemies. It confuses them.

Science is a cruel religion.

There are a lot of problems with real life. The main one is there's no background music.

Curiousity killed the cat, and staring will kill you.

--There's always a light at the end of the tunnel. Of course, it's usually an oncoming train.

Say no to drugs. Because if your drugs are talking to you, you've probably had too many.

You're my friend. Probably for life. You know too much.

The newscaster is the person who says "Good evening" and then tells you why it's not.

A good friend will say, "If you fall, I'll help you up." A best friend will say, "If you fall, I'm going to laugh so hard."

Behind every great man you'll find a woman.

A good friend will call you on your birthday and wish you the best. A best friend will call and say, "You will die in seven days."

--Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end.

--Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.

If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people.

I'm not insensitive, I just don't care.

When the going gets tough, the tough get duct tape.

I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

A friend's love say: "If you need anything, I'll be there." True loves say: "You'll never need anything; I'll be there."

If practice makes perfect and no one's perfect, why practice?

I called your brother gay and he hit me with his purse!

I'm nobody. Nobody's perfect; therefore, I'm perfect.

The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable.

Saw it. Wanted it. Threw a fit. Got it.

You know it's going to be a bad day when you fall out of bed and miss the floor.

My imaginary friend thinks that you have serious problems.

A woman is like a tea bag - you can't tell how strong she is until she's in hot water.

You remind me of my husband execpt you're not buried in the backyard.

That's "Queen Bitch" to you.

Why is it that when you hear something you're not supposed to, it's 'overhearing', but when you miss something you should have seen, it's 'overlooking'?

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."- Albert Einstein

"The truth is rarely pure and never simple."- Oscar Wilde

"Some are born great; some achieve greatness; and others hire public relations officers." -unknown

"The mind is like an umbrella; it functions best when open." - unknown

"I reject your reality and substitute my own." - Mythbusters

The Egyptians believed that cats were gods. The cats never forgot it.

"Why do we say we know something like the back of our hands? Can you really tell me what the back of your hand looks like?" -I can't remember.

--"I'm not sure if that's funny or really scary." -Calvin and Hobbes

"I too often see people killing catepillars and then complaining there are not enough butterflies."- Unknown

"That would have been a lot more profound without the hat." -Raven

"Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup." -Unknown

"Everyone has multiple personalities. Some people just don't name them." -unknown

Bush- "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."

Bush- "For NASA, space is still a high priority."

Bush- "I am confident in the abilities of the human and the goldfish to co-exist peacefully."

Bush- "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

Bush- "I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."

Bush- "I promise that I will listen very carefully to what was said here, although I wasn't here."

Bush- "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."

Bush- "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

Bush- "It's time for the human race to enter the solar system."

Bush- "Not finding weapons of mass destruction was a significant disappointment."

Bush- "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is "to be prepared"."

Bush- "The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."

Bush- "We have a firm commitment to NATO; we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe; we are a part of Europe."

"It’s never too early to hex something into oblivion. Eat the waffles and kill the boy!" - Re-Ane "Life on the Offbeat"

"I don't need your help in determining that I'm insane, I've embraced it quite nicely on my own." -Wingless Angel

"When I die, I want to die like my grandfather, who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."- Will Rogers

"There are two theories when arguing with women. Neither one works."- Will Rogers

"A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort."- Herm Albright

"If you can't convince them, confuse them."- Harry S. Truman

--"The optomist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true."- James Branch Cabell

"You can always trust the Americans. In the end they do the right thing. After they have eliminated all other possibilies." Winston Churchill

"A common mistake that people make trying to design something completely foolproof was to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools."- Douglas Adams

"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move."- Douglas Adams

If life hands you lemons, make grape juice and watch as the world wonders how you did it.

Procrastinators Unite!
...tomorrow.

Stop Global Whining!

Sarcasm is just another free service we offer.

Some people are only alive because it's illegal to shoot them.

The word "politics" is derived from the word "poli", meaning "many", and "tics", meaning "small, blood-sucking parasites".

You laugh at me because I'm crazy, I laugh at you because there's an invisible leprechaun on your shoulder!

Last night I was looking up at the stars wondering... WHERE THE HECK IS MY CEILING?

Before you judge a person, walk a mile in his shoes. After that it doesn't matter. You're a mile away from him and you've got his shoes!

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Screw the rules! I have money!

Sanity? Why would I want something as useless as that?

God creates dinosaurs. God destroys dinosaurs. God creates man. Man destroys God. Man creates dinosaurs. Dinosaurs eat man. Woman inherit the Earth!

I'm not suffering from insanity...I'm enjoying every minute of it!

We are not retreating...we are advancing in another direction.

They say love hides behind every corner. I must be walking in circles!

You laugh because I'm different. I laugh because you are all the same.

They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well, I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.

--Whoever said "anything is possible" never tried to slam a revolving door.

Einstein: The only thing standing in the path of my learning is my education.

Internet forum guy #1: I predicted Adam was gonna score with Eve!
Internet forum guy #2: That one was a given. Eve had a reputation. She'd get with the first guy that came along.

Murphy: Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. Anything that can't go wrong will go wrong. And anything that is going wrong will continue to go wrong until you stop doing whatever it is that's going wrong.

Paris Hilton: Wal-Mart, do they, like, sell walls there?

Unknown: An apple a day keeps the doctor away, as long as you aim carefully.

Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss.

There are easier things to do in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.

A wise man once said, "I don't know, go ask a woman."

I'm not so good with advice. May I offer a sarcastic comment?

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will eventually kill me.

Drive like you stole it!

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.

Everyday I think people can't get any dumber. Every day I'm proven horribly wrong.

I get plenty of exercise; jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.

Life isn't passing me by! It's trying to run me over!

Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

I didn't escape from the mental ward! Those sirens are a complete coincidence!

Why do we teach kids that violence is not the answer and then have them read about wars in school that solved America's problems?

Never knock on death's door. Ring the door bell and run like heck. He hates it.

Light travels faster than sound, that's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Some people are like slinkies, good for nothing, but they make you smile when you push them down a flight of stairs.

It's not denial. I’m just selective about the reality I accept.

It's not PMS...it's you.

I know who I am...your approval really isn't needed.

Normal people worry me.

And to think you are the result of millions of years of evolution.

There's nothing that can't be fixed with duct tape, chocolate, or by running it over.

Don't upset me, I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

I stopped fighting my inner demons quite some time ago. We're on the same side now.

I do not have an attitude problem! I have an attitude, but I can't find a problem with it.

I'm not mean, I just say what most people keep in their heads.

I don't need your attitude, I have my own.

I'm not mean, you're just a sissy.

You're a great friend. But if zombies are chasing us, I'm tripping you.

Be the type of woman, that when your feet land on the floor when you get out of bed in the morning, the devil thinks: "Oh, crap! She's up!"

Note to self: It is illegal to stab people for being stupid.

I did not hit you, I simply high-fived your face.

Sometimes I pretend to be normal, but it gets boring, so I go back to being me.

That which does not kill me had better run pretty fast!

If you got a problem, cry a river, build a bridge, and get over it.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Someday we'll look back on all this and crash the car.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

My Reality Check bounced.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

Eagles may soar, but wolves don't get sucked up into jet engines.

-Hello and welcome to the Mental Health Hot-line. If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want so stay on the line and we'll trace your call. If you are delusional press 7 and your call will be sent to the Mother Ship. If you are schizophrenic listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer you. If you are dyslexic press 6, 9, 6, 9, 6, 9. If you have a nervous disorder fidget with the hatch key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep. If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later and if you have low self esteem, hang up; all our operators are too busy to talk to you.-

The next time someone says "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me" HIT THEM WITH A DICTIONARY!

I didn't fall for you, you tripped me.

Due to Economic Recession the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off until further notice. We're sorry for any inconvenience caused. Thank you.

I am being driven insane. And I must say the scenery is nice.

Would you like a cookie? So would I.

"Pardon me while I find a container for my joy."-Debbie of the Wild Thornberrys

"Of course, you realize this means war."-Bugs Bunny

"You can't make people love you, but you can stalk them until they give in." -Scoop by Rene Gutteridge

If you don't think, you shouldn't talk...Now start at the beginning and when you get to the end, stop.-The Mad Hatter & the March Hare

Well, everyone here is a little mad. In case you hadn't noticed, I'm not all there myself.-The Cheshire Cat

It IS as bad as you think and they ARE out to get you.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

The dinosaur's extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all committed suicide.

Slinky + Escalator = Endless fun

Don't make me mad...I'm known to bite at random!!

I ran with scissors, and lived!

If you can stay calm when all around you is complete chaos, you probably haven't fully understood the situation.

If a missing person sees their picture on a milk carton that offers a reward, would they get the money?

A day without sunshine is like...night.

A rejected invention: Instant water! Just add water!

Don't ever attempt a staring contest with a brick wall, they cheat a lot.

Don't walk in my footsteps. I walk into walls.

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat. - unknown

"Forget love- I'd rather fall in chocolate."-unknown

You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder

Do not argue with an idiot, he will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they'll be when you kill them.

I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me.

Boys are like lava lamps, fun to watch but not too bright.

One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

It takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile and only 4 to reach out and slap someone.

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up.

Silence is golden, duct tape is silver

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege.

Gone crazy. Back soon.

I’m not saying you’re stupid, I’m just implying it.

If a man says something in the woods and there's no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

Kids in the front seats cause accidents. Accidents in the back seats cause kids.

Music is like candy - you throw away the rappers.

What if the hokey pokey IS what it's all about?

Of course I'm out of my mind, it's dark and scary in there!

One by one, the penguins steal my sanity.

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

We're born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

There are 3 types of people in this world - people who can count and people who can't.

There are 10 types of people in this world - people who can read binary and people who can't.

There are 2 types of people in this world - people who can follow a sentence to a logical conclusion and can I offer you a cup of tea?

Some people say 'if you can't beat them, join them'. I say 'If you can't beat them, beat them', because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise!

If at first you don't succeed...go back and reload the gun. - unknown

"If ya can't beat 'em, join 'em.
If ya can't join 'em, bribe 'em.
If ya can't bribe 'em, blackmail 'em.
If ya can't blackmail 'em, kill 'em.
If ya can't kill 'em, you're screwed."

Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.

One day your prince will come. Mine? Oh he took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.

It’s always the last place you look. Of course it is why would I keep looking after I’ve found it?

There is no "I" in team but there is an "I" in PIE and there is an "I" in MEATPIE and MEAT is an anagram of TEAM...

"Everything here is eatable. I'm eatable, but that my children is called cannibalism and is frowned upon in most societies."- Willy Wonka

(\ _ /)
(O.O ) This is Bunny. Copy Bunny into your profile to help him on his way to GALACTIC domination (he’s already taken over the world).

.(_._)o.

Controversial Quotes From Here On Out:

God is not good, he's lacking an O.

God made us in his image, and he loves us all. Including homosexuals.

God is coming and is she pissed!

God -- Don't make me come down there!

If God is willing to prevent evil, but unable, He is not omnipotent. If he is unwilling, but able, he is malevolent. If he is able and willing, whence cometh the evil? If he is neither able nor willing, why call him God?

God was my copilot, but we crashed in the mountains and I had to eat him.

The Democrat thinks the glass is half full, the Republican thinks the glass is THEIRS.

"Only when the last fish has been caught and the last river has been polluted and the last tree has fallen will we realize that we can't eat money."- Cree proverb

God, huh? My imaginary friend's name is Bobo.

A town floods, and a good, but unfortunately wheelchair-bound Christian is stuck in the church. A car comes by while the water is still low. "Come on, let's get you out of here." Says the driver, as most of the rest of the town has evacuated. The Christian shakes his head and says, "No thanks, God will save me." The driver shakes his head and moves on. The water rises, and a bit later, a boat comes by. "Come on, let's get you out of here." The driver says, looking a bit strangely at the man for still being there at all. The Christian shakes his head and says, "No thanks, God will save me." The driver shakes her head and moves on. The water rises again, and a plane comes by. "Come on, let's get you out of here." The driver says. "No thanks, God will save me." The Christian says again. The driver shakes his head and moves on.

The Christian drowns, and once in Heaven, he asks God, "Why didn't you save me?" God says, "What are you talking about? I sent a truck, a boat, and a plane!"

FRIENDS/BEST FRIENDS

FRIENDS: Are only through high school/college. (aka: drinking buddies)
BEST FRIENDS: Are for life.

FRIENDS: Calls your parents "Mrs." and "Mr."
BEST FRIENDS: Calls your parents Mom and Dad

FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.
BEST FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds ass that left you

FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door.
BEST FRIENDS: Walk right in and say "I'M HOME."

FRIENDS: Asks you to write down your number.
BEST FRIENDS: Has you on speed dial.

FRIENDS: Borrows your stuff for a few days then gives it back.
BEST FRIENDS: Loses your stuff and tells you, "My bad...here's a tissue."

FRIENDS: Will sit at the side of the pool with you at that time of the month.
BEST FRIENDS: Will throw you a tampon and push you in.

FRIENDS: Helps you up when you fall.
BEST FRIENDS: Keeps on walking saying, "Walk much, dumb ass?"

FRIENDS: Helps you find your prince.
BEST FRIENDS: Kidnaps him and brings him to you.

FRIENDS: Will ask you if you're okay when you're crying.
BEST FRIENDS: Will laugh at you and say, "Ha Ha, Loser!"

FRIENDS: Will be there for you when he breaks up with you.
BEST FRIENDS: Will call him up and whisper, "Seven days..."

FRIENDS: Will offer you a soda.
BEST FRIENDS: Will dump theirs on you.

FRIENDS: Give you their umbrella in the rain.
BEST FRIENDS: Take yours and says, "Run - beep - run!"

FRIENDS: Will help you move.
BEST FRIENDS: Will help you move the bodies.

FRIENDS: Will bail you out of jail.
BEST FRIENDS: Would be in the room next to you saying, "That was awesome! Let's do it again!"

FRIENDS: Never ask for anything to eat or drink.
BEST FRIENDS: Help themselves and are the reason why you have no food.

FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
BEST FRIENDS: Won't tell everyone else you cried...just laugh about it with you in private when you're not down anymore.

FRIENDS: Only know a few things about you.
BEST FRIENDS: Could write a very embarrassing biography on your life story...

FRIENDS: You have to tell them not to tell anyone.
BEST FRIENDS: Already know not to tell.

FRIENDS: Will comfort you when he rejects you.
BEST FRIENDS: Will go up and ask him, "It's because you're gay, isn't it?"

FRIENDS: Will be there to take your drink away from you when they think you've had enough.
BEST FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place & say "Girl drink the rest of that! Don't waste good alchohal!

A friend will help me find my way when I'm lost. A best friend will be the one messing with my compass, stealing my map and giving me bad directions.

A friend will help me learn to drive. A best friend will help me roll the car into the lake so I can collect insurance.

A friend will watch my pets when I go away. A best friend won't let me go away without them.

A friend will go to a concert with me. A best friend will kidnap the band with me.

A good friend hides me from the cops. A best friend is probably the reason they are after me in the first place.

A good friend lets me make an idiot of myself in public. A best friend is up there with me making an idiot out of herself too.

Fun Things To Do In An ELEVATOR!

1) When a person in the elevator repeatedly pushes a button (such as "close" or "open") say, "Congratulations, you figured out that if you push the button 20 times, it works quicker!"
2) When the elevator doors shut, reassuringly say, "It's okay, they'll open again!"
3)Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4) Whistle the first seven notes of "Its a Small World" incessantly.
5) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
6) Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside down.
7) Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
8) When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
9) Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
10) Stare, grinning, at another passenger for awhile, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
11) Meow occasionally.
12) Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
13) Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
14) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
15) Stare at another passenger for awhile, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
16) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
17) When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "Is that your beeper?"
18) Say "Ding!" at each floor.
19) Say "I wonder what these do" and push the red buttons.
20) Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
21) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
22) Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
23) Put a box on the floor and whenever somebody comes in, say "Do you hear clicking?"
24) Sell Girl Scout cookies.
25) On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
26) Shave.
27) Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at the passengers.
28) Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger".
29) If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
30) Bring a water pistol. Soak everyone's shoes.
31) Start brushing off invisible bugs from your arms, screaming "Aaargh! Get them off!"
32) Challenge your neighbour to a tic-tac-toe tournament.
33) Laugh hysterically for five seconds, stop, and glare at the other passengers like they are crazy.
34) Charge into the elevator dripping wet, holding a towel and wearing only a bath robe. Mutter something about how husbands/wives always come home early just when it's getting to the good part.
34) Make chalk drawings on the walls.
36) As the elevator is going up, jump violently up and down, shouting "Down! I said down, dang it!"
37) Crouch in one corner and growl menacingly at everyone who gets on.
38) Try to get a game of Twister going.
39) Wrinkle your nose and smell the air repeatedly. Sniff at your neighbour suspiciously, give a disgusted frown, and take a step away.
40) On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
41) Do Tai Chi exercises.
42) Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
43) Lean against the button panel.
44) Bring a chair.
45) When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, dang motion sickness!"
46) Frown and mutter "Gotta go, gotta go!" Then sigh and say "Oops!"
47) Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
48) Start a sing-along.
49) Leave a box between the doors.

MURPHY'S LESSER-KNOWN LAWS:

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
4. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90 percent probability you'll get it wrong.
7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
9. The things that come to those who wait, will be the things left by those who got there first.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
11. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
12. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of Jury duty.

25 Ways to Get Kicked Out of WalMart

1-wander through the store dressed in all black with a fake walkie-talkie humming the Mission Impossible theme. When someone asks what you're doing, scream "LOOK OUT!!" and push them behind a shelf
2-Pass out bananas to random people and snicker loudly after they take one.
3-Buy 350 packets of tuna and scream "THIS CAN'T BE RIGHT!! YOU HAVE TO PUT SOME BACK!!" once the cashier tells you the price
4-Walk around looking confused in the CD section and ask someone where you can find some "musical devices"
5-start a fish stick fight
6-walk up to random people and give them giant bear hugs. Then scream "I MISSED YA, MAN!!"
7-(this requires a friend) Jump in a cart and have a friend push you around screaming "The British are coming!!"
8-walk up to an employee and murmur "code red in aisle 3" and see what they do
9-slip a bra and a lacey pink thong into a really macho-looking man's cart (just make sure he doesn't have any girls with him)
10-attempt to fly off a high shelf
11-throw confetti on random people walking into the store
12-whisper "I know your "little secret"' to people in the checkout line
13-stand inside the freezer at the frozen food section
14-walk up to empoyees and whisper "I saw dead people...They want me to take you away...to aisle 8..
15-While handling guns in the firearm department, ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
16-Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
17-When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream."NO! NO! It's those voices again!!"
18-Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!
19-Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
20-Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
21-Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
22-Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
23-When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
24-Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
25-Grab a lot of bouncy balls and throw them down the aisle, shouting "Go, Pikachu, Go!"

Really Dumb Store labels:

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (Too late!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (WAIT! IT WILL?!)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (But wouldn't this save me time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (Really? I thought it cause wakefullness! Dang it!)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (Yeah, your point?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (Talk about a news flash.)
On artificial bacon: "Real artificial bacon bits". (So we don't get fake fake bacon. Oh no we get real fake bacon.)
On American Airlines packet of nuts: "Open packet, eat nuts." (Now why would we want to do that?)
On bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." (The shoplifter special!)
On child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (*While running off cliff* GOSH DARN IT!)
On Dial soap: "Use like regular soap." (Which is...?)
On Korean kitchen knife: "Warning: Keep out of children." (NO! All the mass murderers out there will be so disappointed!)
On package of pasta, after cooking instructions: "Put on fork and eat." (Yeah, as if!)
On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping." (I guess I'll just have to stick with curling it, then.)
On Swann frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (But it's just a suggestion!)
On Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands." (Could anyone who has tried this please raise your hands?)

Sirius Black:

escaped Azkaban...
evaded death eaters...
outwitted ministry...
killed by drapery.

All the different lines Minerva McGonagall has made students write:

"If Death Eaters are attacking Hogsmeade I will not point at the sky and shout ‘TO THE BAT MOBILE!’"
"I will not tell everyone that I overheard my sister saying, 'So I was like, 'Avada Kadavra!' and he was like, 'Dead.' "
"I will not ask Harry if his scar senses are tingling."
"I will not call Draco Malfoy the amazing...bouncing...Ferret."
"Remus Lupin does NOT want a flea collar!"
"I am not authorized to negotiate a peace treaty with Voldemort."
"I will not make any jokes about Lupin and his time of the month."
"I will not say 'dude, get a life' to the Dark Lord."
"I will not ask Professor Snape why he stole Batman's cape."
"I will not scare the Arithmancy students with my calculus book."
"I will not spread rumors saying, 'When Voldemort goes to bed he checks his closet for Mrs. Weasley.' "
"I will not tell Penelope Clearwater that Percy wouldn't recognize a joke if it danced naked in front of him wearing Dobby's tea cozy."
"I will not sing "We're off to see the wizard!" when sent to the headmasters office."
"I will not send You-Know-Who a letter saying, 'I have eight Horcruxes, take that Voldy!' "
"Professor Flitwick's name is not Yoda."
"I will not bring a magic eight ball to Divination class"
"If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of the situation and draw a Dark Mark on their arm."
"I am not allowed to make light saber sounds with my wand."
"I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paintballing."
"I will not follow potions instructions in reverse order just to see what happens."
"I will not give Hagrid Pokémon cards and convince him that they are real animals."
"I will not dress up as Voldemort for Halloween"
"I will not teach the house-elves to impersonate Paris Hilton."

Insane laws:

Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a 500 dollar fine.
It is illegal for horses to eat fire hydrants.
It is illegal to allow a dog to be in a public place without its master on a leash.
It is illegal to allow a pet cat to run loose without a taillight.
It is illegal to carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock.
It is illegal to drive a motor vehicle on city streets unless a man with a lantern is walking ahead of it.
It is illegal to eat in a place that is on fire.
It is illegal to have sex on a parked motorcycle.
It is illegal to purchase an alcoholic beverage after midnight on Sunday, yet one may do so on Monday.
It is illegal to purchase or use Sparklers in the city, yet you can buy fully disassembled automatic machine guns.
It is illegal to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.
It is illegal to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
It is illegal to wake a fireman when he is asleep.
The penalty for jumping off a building is death.

~Things~To~Consider~

· If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?
· What disease did cured ham have?
· Why do we say we “slept like a baby” when babies wake up every hour and a half?
· Why do alarm clocks “go off” when they start making noise?
· Instead of “All things in moderation,” shouldn’t it be “Some things in moderation”?
· Why do we yell “Heads up!” when we should be yelling “Heads down!”?
· Why is it called quicksand when it sucks you down very, very slowly?
· When French people swear, do they say, “Pardon my English”?
· Why is it called the Department of the Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
· Why are they called marbles if they’re made out of glass?
· If everyone lost five pounds at the same time, would it throw the Earth out of its orbit?
· What color hair do bald men put on their driver’s license?
· How do you know when it’s time to tune your bagpipes?
· How do you throw away a garbage can?
· Why do we put our suits in a garment bag and our garments in a suitcase?
· When two airplanes almost collide, why is it a “near miss”? Shouldn’t it be a “near hit”?
· How can something be both “new” and “improved”?
· Why do we shut up, but quiet down?
· How did the “Keep Off the Grass” sign get there in the first place?
. If you're playing Uno! in Mexico, do you yell One!
. Why don't they just make mouse-flavoured cat food?
. Why do doctors call what they do "practice"?
. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
. What would the speed of lightning be if it didn't zigzag?
. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
. If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
. Why do doctors leave the room when you strip? They're going to see you naked anyway.
. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
. Do cannibals refuse to eat clowns because they taste funny?
. If you try to fail and succeed, what have you done?
. If the police arrest a mute, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
. If the speed of light is 299,792,458 metres per second, what's the speed of dark?
. Why do dogs get mad when you blow in their face and then they stick their head out the window in a car?
. Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
. Why is it that to turn off Windows, you have to click on "Start"?
. If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
. If vegetable oil made from veggies and oil, what is baby oil made of?
. Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
. Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
. If a bus station is where a bus stops, and a train station is where a train stops, then what happens at a workstation?
. If sheep coats are made of wool, why don't they shrink when it rains?
. How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
. Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor since you can't drink and drive?
. Can you cry underwater?
. Mousetraps are operated by people, right? Now, isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
. If a fat chicken laid eggs, would it sit on them?
. How is it possible to have a civil war?
. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, why do people say, "Quit while you're ahead"?
. Why do our noses run and our feet smell?
. How does the guy who drives the snowplough get to work in the morning?
. Why is the time of day with the most traffic called rush hour?

Only in America: And yes, I'm American. My country is stupid.

1. A pizza can get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. There are handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. People order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. We leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. We use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. We buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Gay marriage:

1) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, liposuction and air conditioning.
2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
3) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.
5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Brittany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.
6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.
7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.
8) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.
9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.
10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.
Re-post this if you believe in legalizing gay marriage.

READER'S RIGHTS
The right to read.
The right NOT to read.
The right to not finish books.
The right to skip & skim pages.
The right to reread.
The right to read anything.
The right to read banned books.
The right to mistake a book for real life.
The right to read anywhere.
The right to read aloud.
The right to fall in love with characters in books.
The right to know what everyone else is reading.
The right to have too many books.
The right to carry a book wherever you go.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE AN AUTHOR IF...
You talk to yourself a lot.
You talk to yourself about talking to yourself.
When you talk to yourself you often talk to yourself like you're talking to someone else.
After uttering a profound piece of wisdom like the above, you stare at the cookie in your hand with awe and say, "Wow, this stuff is great for sugar highs..."
You live off of sugar and caffiene.
People think you're insane.
You'll check your e-mail every day of the week one week, and then disappear off the face of the earth the next.
You're e-mails tend to be pages long and incredibly random.
When replying to an e-mail, you'll never actually address the point of it.
No matter where you are in a room you never have to get up to find a pen/pencil and paper.
The letters on your keyboard are wearing off.
Your friends and family think that you have carpal tunnel syndrome.
People think you have A.D.D.
You think it'd be cool to have A.D.D.
You constantly start talking in third person, present or past tense.
You start thinking about making lists like this and start laughing for no apparent reason.
Your friends stopped looking at you funny for no apparent reason a loooooong time ago.
And FINALLY, the one way to tell if you're a good writer: You failed English 101.

Ever wonder...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why you don't ever see the headline: "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
Why the man who invests all your money is called a "Broker"?
Who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?
Why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?
Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box?
Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why test results that state you have a deadly disease are called 'positive' results?

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the
store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught t me IRONY.
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that
way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

26. My mother taught me THE LOVE OF GOD.
"For the love of God, if you don’t clean your room…"

5 Reasons Not to Mess with...small children

1: A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

2: A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

3: A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shalt not kill."

4: The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

5: The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE . God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

"REMEMBER WHEN"

REMEMBER WHEN ..
getting HiGH meant swinging at a playground?
the worst thing you could get from a boy was c0otiEs?
'm 0 m' (was your hero)
and 'D a D' was the boy you were gonna marry?
when your W0RST ENEMiES were your siblings
and rAcE iSsuEs were about who ran fastest?
when - WAR- was a card game
and life was simple and care free?
remember when all you wanted to do
WAS GROW UP?

You've managed to get through my long profile, or maybe you're just skipping down to look at my stories. Yay. Goodbye.