Hello there! Welcome to my profile! Everything is proceeding as I have foreseen.

I see you have stumbled onto my Bio. Your site navigation skills are complete.

I know you're just dying to know more about me. (Because you definitely didn't end up in this place by mistake).

If you have any questions/doubts/queries about my stories, help with your stories, or the meaning of life, feel free to PM me. I will try to respond.

It is now time to take a ride on the Profile-coaster! Please keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times.

Enjoy the show!

ACT 1 - THE OPENING

THE BASICS

Avatar- Miles Morales (Ultimate Spider-Man), from 'Spider-Man: Into the Spiderverse.

Name- PurpleBandit3000, the one and only. You can call me 'Bandit'. (What? You didn't expect my real name, did you?)

Age- 25

Sexual Orientation - MGTOW

Location- I live on frickin' Neptune. Earth

Gender- Cisgender Patriarchal Helicopter Normalkin that needs to check his privilege. Male

Height- 5 ft. 12 6 ft. something... (I didn't know they stacked crap that high)

Length- *Ahem* Satisfactory

FanFiction Birthday- August 18th, 2010

Race- Human

Nationality- Does it really matter?

Blood Type- O Positive. I think.

Consumption Type- Herbivore (Vegetarian)

Zodiac Sign- Aries

Chinese Zodiac Sign- Pig

Religion- Agnostic Atheist

Hobbies- Writing, gaming, reading, Redditing, swimming, daydreaming

Profession- Supreme Overlord of the Universe

House- Ravenclaw

Alignment- Neutral Evil

Attitude Type- Badass

Class- Wizard

Address- 80085 Orgtfo Lane, Wayne Manor, Gotham City, USA

Bank Account Number- Nice try, Nigerian Prince!

Sports- I like watching cricket, association football/ soccer, and NBA basketball, though I play none of them. I also watch Formula One racing sometimes.

Political Affiliation- Oh no, I'm not brave enough for politics.

Awesomeness Level- OVER NINE THOUSAAAAAAND!!

Why I Joined FanFiction- I came here to kick butt and write stories, and I'm all done kicking butt. (That's not how the saying goes, is it?)

A salute to the armed forces, for protecting the nation. Respect to all you soldiers who sacrifice your life so we can live ours.

Another big thank you goes to the farmers for providing us with food and sustenance.

Our medical professionals deserve a parade once this is over. (Please don't infect me cOwOnachan UwU)

STORY INFO

I've only ever written stories about Total Drama, and that's probably how it will be forever. I'm actually The Kobold Necromancer's alternate account, in case you didn't know.

New: :O

None

Ongoing: ;)

TDR3: Noah's Tour of the World (Main Story) - Follow-up of Total Drama Redemption. My main fic now. Read it if you liked the first one.

Is This Some Kind of Joke? - A purely humorous fic filled with jokes and short stories. This fic gives me more freedom to experiment. Let's see how it goes. I will add to it whenever I feel like it. Go check it out and get some laughs.

TotAlejandro Island - Alejandro is in season one and has to figure out why. Things get a bit more... complicated along the way.

Swapped - A body swap fic with some high school shenanigans thrown in. There is method to this madness.

Completed: :D

Totally Awesome Island- A bunch of cartoon characters face-off in a TDI-style competition. Written in script format and was inspired by a YouTube video series. This is my very first story on FanFiction.net, so don't expect much.

Total Mesozoic Island - Total Drama combined with Dinosaurs = Awesomeness. This is my shortest completed multi-chapter fic.

Total Drama Redemption - Noah gets a second shot at Total Drama Island. This is my longest story yet and subsequently my most reviewed fic. If you love Noah (who doesn't?), choose this one. Please?

One-Shots: :)

Beauty and the Brainiac - A cute one-shot about Nindsay (Noah x Lindsay). My first one-shot!

Nine Jewels of Nine - A psycho Trent one shot where Trent tries to steal stuff. Everyone's got to try one of these!

A Rather Mature Total Drama Fic - It was about time I wrote an M-Rated fic. It'll be unlike any M-rated story you've ever read. Trust me.

Shall We Play A Game? - A good old fashioned murder mystery. I bet you'll never see the ending coming.

Sunk Your Teeth Right Into My Heart - Short Fang x Scott story because someone requested it. It's really dumb.

Of Cereal and Simulation - Just... a really weird fic that's rated M for mindf-ck. You probably shouldn't read it unless you want to be scarred for life.

Cancelled: :(

Totally Awesome Island: Teams Version - Sequel to Totally Awesome Island, but with reviewers getting to vote. This story went against FF's guidelines because it allowed reviewers to affect the outcome.

Total Drama: Hunger Games Edition - The Total Drama gang compete in the Hunger Games. I lost interest in this story so it got the boot. No longer updating. Sorry guys.

Fast Times at Wawanakwa High - All the teens go to the same school. Stopped due to work on NTotW. Bit off more than I could chew with this one and it seems too grandiose to continue. It just takes too much time and effort that I'm not willing to commit.

Upcoming/On-Hold: :O

40 Words of X and Y (One-shot) - Postponed.

Backstories - We all have an event or incident that changes us forever. These are their backstories. - Postponed.

My Story Universes

Much like the MCU, Monsterverse, Star Wars Universe, or the Dark Universe (yes, there's a Dark Universe. Look it up.) Some of my stories exist in the same universe. However, unlike those universes, they don't bring in billions or have famous actors. Anyway, here are the different universes my stories exist in.

The TAI Series: A universe where TD characters are replaced by cartoon characters from other shows. Contains Totally Awesome Island and Totally Awesome Island: Teams Version, of course, along with the deleted story Totally Awesome World Tour.

The Redemption Saga: Stories where a character is sent back in time to relive a season of Total Drama. Includes Total Drama Redemption, TDR3: Noah's Tour of the World. Together with TotAlejandro Island, they form what I like to call the 'Redemptionverse'.

The High School Storyline: A worldline where Total Drama never took place and instead all the characters went to the same high school, as detailed in the (now canceled) story, Fast Times at Wawanakwa High. Things get a little Freaky Fridayer when they start exchanging bodies (Swapped).

More information (and story links) can be found from the story descriptions at the bottom of this page.

Before you start writing, do the Tutorial level first:

FanFiction Guidelines

Read them!!

I'm gonna make this profile so damn good, it will blow your mind away!

Deadpool: He's exaggerating.

Me: Stop breaking the fourth wall, dude! Now let's start, shall we?

Before we get into the nitty-gritty, I have an obituary:

It is at this point that I would like to bid a very fond farewell to someone who may be gone, but they will never be forgotten, even if nobody other than me remembers them.

OBITUARY FOR THE LATE MR. COMMON SENSE

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as 'Knowing when to come in out of the rain'; 'Why the early bird gets the worm'; 'Life isn't always fair', and 'Maybe it was my fault'.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Calpol, sun lotion, or a band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses, and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you wished to defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, filed a lawsuit, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth, and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

He was outlived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

ACT 2 - FAVORITES

Cartoons: Tom and Jerry, Justice League, Stoked, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Scooby Doo, Animaniacs, Spiderman: The Animated Series, PowerPuff Girls, South Park 6teen, Dexter's Lab, Teen Titans, Spiderman Unlimited, Looney Tunes, Family Guy, SpongeBob SquarePants.

More Cartoons: Fairly Odd Parents, What's New Scooby-Doo?, American Dad, Ed Edd n Eddy, Spectacular Spiderman, Loonatics Unleashed, Courage the Cowardly Dog, Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends, The Simpsons

Even More Cartoons: Phineas and Ferb, Futurama, Dragon Ball Z, Yu-Gi-Oh, Pokemon, Regular Show, Beyblade, Samurai Jack, The Amazing World of Gumball, Total Drama (duh!)

Anime: The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, Death Note, Steins;Gate, Clannad, Welcome to the NHK, Seitokai Yakuindomo, Nichijou, School Days, Kanon, Baka and Test, Lucky Star, Pop Team Epic, Seitokai no Ichizon, Himouto! Umaru-chan

TV Shows: Mr. Bean, Deadliest Warrior, Friends, The Office, Chopped, The Big Bang Theory, Seinfeld, Just for Laughs Gags, Savage Kingdom, American Horror Story, Modern Family

Sports Teams: Manchester United Football Club, Dallas Cowboys (NFL), Los Angeles Lakers (NBA), German National Football Team, Golden State Warriors (NBA), Texas Rangers (MLB), Real Madrid Football Club

Texts: The Count of Monte Cristo, Cold Sassy Tree, Diary of a Wimpy Kid series, Julius Caesar, Ready Player One, Secret Seven series, The Things They Carried, Captain Underpants series, Harry Potter series, Hunger Games series, Hamlet, Goosebumps series

Songs: Boulevard of Broken Dreams, The Real Slim Shady, Smells Like Teen Spirit, We Will Rock You, Paradise

Athletes: Cristiano Ronaldo, Kobe Bryant, Jamie Vardy, Michael Phelps, Usain Bolt, Peyton Manning, Wayne Rooney, Roger Federer

Number: Seven (7)

Websites: Discord, Reddit, FanFiction (ofc), and YouTube. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

Top 5 Films: Toy Story, The Dark Knight, The Usual Suspects, Pulp Fiction, Fight Club I'm not supposed to talk about it.

Holiday: Halloween

Movie Series: Star Wars (and not just the OT, but The Last Jedi and the Prequels too!)

Animal: Cheetah

Computer Game: Town of Salem

Board Game: Chess

Card Games: Bluff, ERS, Spoons, Mafia, Uno

Color: Hmmm. Let's see. I'm thinking... Orange... No! It's 'Purple', you dummy!

Invisible Sentence:

Hero: Spider-Man. Respect the hyphen!

Villain: Darth Vader

Rapper: Eminem

Singer: Freddy Mercury (Queen)

Pony: Pinkie Pie. Like it could be anyone else.

Theme Song: Rock the Dragon (Dragon Ball Z)

Killer: Jason Voorhees, with Ghostface being a close second.

Quote: "That's what." ~ She

Comics: Calvin and Hobbes, Garfield, Pearls Before Swine, Cyanide & Happiness, xkcd

Food: Pizza!

YouTube Channels / Series: Bad Lip Reading, Pyrocynical, How It Should Have Ended, Philip DeFranco, Vsauce, iDubbbzTV, Honest Trailers, Jacksfilms, Pitch Meeting, CGP Grey, Kill Count, Kurzgesagt, Toon Sandwich, Alien's Guide

Mythical Creature: Honest Politician Werewolf

Word: Phantasmagoric

Saying: Disregard Females, Compose Literature (F*ck B*tches, Write Stories). Nah, I'm just kidding. I love you guys. ;)

Things I LOVE

Cartoons & Anime

My brother!

FAN-FRICKIN'-FICTION!

Animals

Good music - classics, current, whatever, as long as it sounds great.

The Great and Powerful Internet

Jokes

My friends

Discord! I spend a lot more time there. Add me as your friend if you want. (My ID is purplebandit3000#4717)

Sarcasm

This

TV

Creepypasta

Nostalgia

Soda

Juice

Good food (Ice cream, cake, pasta, etc.)

Holidays

Comics

Games

Things I Love (to HATE)

The Government

Explaining jokes

Extreme heat/cold

Spoilers

Submit your own character (SYOC) stories

Lovey-dovey stuff

Heavy Rain (used to love it. Now I abhor it)

Miley Cyrus, One Direction, Justin Bieber, Rebecca Black

Horns

Other crappy wannabe singers

Waking up early

Ants. Their bites hurt like hell!

Twilight (the movie/ book, not the pony!)

Sickness

Alcohol, Cigarettes, Drugs

MONDAYS!!!

People who force their views on me

Bad fics

Long drives

Bullies and rude people

Homework

Broccoli, Meat, Fish

Waiting in long lines

Essays

Pluto getting demoted

When Wi-Fi goes down

ACT 3 - RANDOM CRAP (PLUS COPYPASTA)

50 Fun Things To Do In An Exam When You're Probably Going To Fail Anyway:

1. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks"

2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming, "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"

3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.

5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

6. Bring cheerleaders (oh là là!). Claim that it's for motivation.

7. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

8. Bring a Game Boy/ Game Cube / PlayStation Portable, etc. Play with the volume at maximum level.

9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: "I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs." Be creative.

10. Bring pets.

11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say, "They've found me, I have to leave the country," and run off.

12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out, "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

15. Come down with a bad case of Tourette's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

16. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? Who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"

17. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

18. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

19. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

20. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

21. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say, "oh geez, better get cracking," and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

22. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

23. For written exams, do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DAB. BABE. etc.).

24. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

25. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Screw this!", and walk out triumphantly.

26. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink).

27. Act completely drunk. ("Completely drunk" means that at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy.)

28. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "The light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. Duh!"

29. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

30. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling, "I'm here, the phantom of the opera," until they drag you away.

31. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.

32. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Game of Thrones is on!"

33. Bring a water pistol with you. 'Nuff said.

34. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge On The River Kwai.

35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.

37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed because you have bad circulation.

38. Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise, you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."

39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.

40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

41. One word: Wrestlemania.

42. Bring balloons. Blow them up. Start throwing them around like people do before concerts start.

43. Try to get students in the room to do the wave.

44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.

48. Complete the exam writing everything backward at a 90-degree angle.

49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say, "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase, "Told you so".

50. Write this list of 50 Fun Things To Do In An Exam When You're Probably Going To Fail Anyway.

WARNING: Actually doing these things may result in you getting kicked out of class, suspended, or even expelled. Do so at your own risk.

Is Hell Exothermic Or Endothermic?

Exothermic - Gives off heat.

Endothermic - Absorbs heat.

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell.

Boyle's Law states that "For a fixed amount of an ideal gas kept at a fixed temperature, pressure and volume are inversely proportional."

Therefore, in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So, which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Emily during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I had sex with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is extinct, leaving only Heaven.

This proves the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Emily kept screaming "Oh, my God!" when we were in bed.

A Story Everyone Should Know

Did you ever hear the tragedy of Darth Plagueis The Wise? I thought not. It’s not a story the Jedi would tell you. It’s a Sith legend. Darth Plagueis was a Dark Lord of the Sith, so powerful and so wise he could use the Force to influence the midichlorians to create... life. He had such a knowledge of the dark side, he could even keep the ones he cared about from dying. The dark side of the Force is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be... unnatural. He became so powerful, the only thing he was afraid of was losing his power, which eventually, of course, he did. Unfortunately, he taught his apprentice everything he knew, then his apprentice killed him in his sleep. Ironic. He could save others from death, but not himself.

Random One-Liners

I couldn't fit this stuff into another section so this is a hodge-podge of things taken from vast areas of the interwebs:

If I had one wish and only one wish, I would wish that whatever money I wanted would come out of my pockets. This way no-one could steal the money and I would have infinite money.

Call me crazy if you want. Being normal is boring as hell. Weird people get to have all the fun. Abnormality is where it's at!

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until they speak.

In life, there are certain facts. One of these is that dogs are better than cats.

69% of people find something perverted in every sentence.

Spider-Man 3 is a good movie. Yes, I said it.

I also enjoy the Star Wars prequels. Fight me.

If the odds of an event happening to you were actually 'one in a million', that means roughly 7,350 people on Earth have either had or will have that event happen to them.

Tech Support: "Airplane Mode does not actually turn your smartphone into an airplane."

Vampires want you for your body, but zombies want you for your brains.

Do you know that if you look really closely in a mirror, you can see the word 'Gullible' appear on your forehead?

The high school system tells us that we're all unique, then make us wear ID cards, shave our beards off, wear only certain clothes and take standardized tests.

Friendship is like peeing on yourself. Everyone can see it, but only you get a warm feeling that it brings.

97.42% of statistics are made up on the spot.

Oh, you think I'm a freak? What was your first clue?

I'm not suffering from insanity. I'm enjoying every minute of it.

I know people go on and on about how much they miss High School or College, and I miss them too. But let's be real here, Elementary School was here it was at.

Looking for a job in organized crime? I hear the government specializes in that.

They say nothing is impossible but I do nothing everyday.

I'm not biased. I hate everyone equally.

Rearrange The Letters

DORMITORY: DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN: BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER: MOON STARER

DESPERATION: A ROPE ENDS IT (dark)

THE EYES: THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH: HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE: HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES: CASH LOST IN ME

SENATOR: TREASON

ANIMOSITY: IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS: LIES. LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS: ALAS! NO MORE ZS

A DECIMAL POINT: IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES: THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: TWELVE PLUS ONE

TOM MARVOLO RIDDLE: MR. TOM, A DILDO LOVER (Pottermore)

Now, my favorite:

MOTHER IN LAW: WOMAN HITLER

In Honor of Stupid People

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed to stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(Shoot, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap,"
(and that would be how??...)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought??...)

On a McDonald's cup full of hot coffee -- "Caution: Contents hot."
(Imagine getting sued over somethng like that...)

On packaging for a Rowena iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time? I hear Trump does it.)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because??...)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what)?

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, ooh...fly Delta?)

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one. You're not Superman, you know.)

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my ..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Honestly, these are less on the business and more on humanity's idiocy.

16 Things To Do At Walmart

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Electronics to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "'Code 3' in housewares"... and see what happens.

5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. Look right into the security camera & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through say, "PICK ME, PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"

15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

16. Get several bouncy balls and throw them down an aisle shouting "Pikachu, I choose you!"

Remember When...?

GETTING HIGH meant swinging at a playground?
The worst thing you could get from someone was COOTIES?
When your WORST ENEMIES were your siblings?
RACE ISSUES were about who ran fastest?
When - WAR- was a card game?
...and life was simple and carefree?
Remember when all you wanted to do was GROW UP?

Put this in your profile if you're still a child inside... no matter how old you are now!

You May Be A Writer If...

Every time you hear a song, you think of a new story or one you've already written.

You have the last chapters of a story done before even thinking of the characters names.

You often imagine your books becoming movies.

Spell check is your best friend.

You give even the smallest of characters a huge background.

You hesitate before killing of one of your favorite characters.

You smile really big when you are going to finally write a character love scene.

Every time you read something, you make your own story of the same thing.

You'll spend an hour trying to find one word cause you won't dare use a synonym.

Not being able to write is like not being able to pee to you... you just can't hold it in for so long.

You write so fast, you leave out words in a sentence.

You have to tell at least one person your whole story before it's even written.

Things that are written badly annoy you and make you want to re-write it better.

You laugh at jokes you wrote yourself.

You can spell words like 'troublesome' but can't spell 'the' half the time.

If you are not writing or typing, your fingers are moving constantly.

You talk to yourself... constantly.

When you have to write some sort of story in class, you get carried away.

You would rather die than use words like 'good' or 'nice' and etc.

You put off the last chapter of a story simply because you don't want it to end.

You start to cry when writing about a death or other depressing event you knew was coming, and you are the one writing it.

When on a roll, you will ignore hunger, sleepiness, or the urge to pee until you run out of ideas.

If a story, movie, show, etc. finishes without closure, you have a powerful need to write a suitable ending.

You like to fidget, tap, or chew on the tip of something when you are trying to come up with a new sentence, paragraph, chapter, or story.

You are in love with the Thesaurus.

You dream about your stories.

You dream of new stories.

You often revisit some of your old stories.

Someone can call your name twenty times without you hearing if you're writing.

You would rather talk to the voices in your head than the person sitting next to you.

You would rather write than go out.

Your/you're and their/there/they're are errors that send you into an apoplectic fit.

You get cranky if you don't get to write.

You've heard/seen something, and thought, I need to write that down.

You wake up in the middle of the night and scrabble for a pen and paper you keep next to your bed to write down a scene to make the voices be quiet so you can get some sleep.

Getting the scene finished is more important than coffee, the bathroom, or food.

A blank wall becomes the screen where the scene you're writing takes place right in front of your eyes.

You can't write because you're mad at one of your characters.

You argue with said character.

You start to laugh out loud in public at what something your character might say.

Even though you try your hardest to resist, you often correct your own grammar on IM.

You talk to yourself about talking to yourself too much.

Your family/friends have come to the ignore the habit of your talking to yourself.

You've apologized out loud to a character after doing something horrible to them.

You always carry a pen or pencil

You have a FanFiction account!

Copypastas

78% of people do drugs at least once. COPY and PASTE this if you like cookies.

COPY and PASTE if you hate when someone asks you to copy & paste something.

ACT 4 - THE 'TOTAL DRAMA' SECTION

Favorite Characters (5 - 1): Ella, Lindsay, Cody, Izzy, Noah

Least Favorite Character: Sugar

One True Pairing: Nizzy (Noah x Izzy)

Season Rankings (1 - 7): Island, World Tour, Pahkitew Island, Ridonculous Race, Revenge of the Island, All-Stars, Action

Favorite Episode: Dodgebrawl (S1E04)

Favorite Quote: "Life, why do you hate me so?" ~ Noah, TDWT

SEASON BREAKDOWN

The Original Trilogy

The first three seasons are OG. They were the pioneers of what would grow to become one of the greatest cartoons in TV history. It was original in more ways than one, since the idea was new and fresh, and we got introduced to a slew of the characters we know and love… and hate.

Total Drama Island - Ah, yes. The one that started it all. As is often times the case, the first one is the best one. It introduced a new premise as the idea of a cartoon reality show. The characters were awesome, the challenges were awesome, there was a great antagonist, the eliminations were anything but expected, and there was much drama to be had over 26 episodes. Sure, it has its flaws. (Which show doesn’t?) However, I feel that this was the best season. You could rewatch this season multiple times (the Canadian version of course) and find new and interesting tidbits.

My Rating: 8.5/10

Total Drama Action - The follow-up and much-awaited sequel season to the popular show, unfortunately, fell flat on its face. I don’t know if the producers tried too hard or if it was something else. In an attempt to develop some underused characters, they gave all the liked nice guys a flaw. Oddly enough, the best season was followed by the worst. It still had its moments and memories. Hey, at least it resulted in the hilarious Psycho Nine-Obsessed Trent. That’s worth something, right?

My Rating: 6/10

Total Drama World Tour - The show attempt to rebound with the third season, and I think that it did just that. Introducing two new contestants, singing, and a trip around the world, I felt the show reinvented itself. We saw Noah at his snarkiest, Heather turned to the light side, and Cody got some love (both from the producers and Sierra). Although I didn’t like them butchering Ezekiel, the lengthier season was full of twists and turns, all culminating in an epic battle at the top of a volcano, with a reference to both LotR and Star Wars. What’s not to love about season three?

My Rating: 8/10

The Newbie Trilogy

In the next three (two? Two and a half?) seasons, there was even more characters and stereotypes for us to enjoy. Some were great, some not so much. In my opinion, the second Total Drama trilogy wasn’t quite as good as the first, yet still pretty enjoyable.

Total Drama: Revenge of the Island - Though there was an uproar after the old characters got the ax, new characters are always refreshing for a show. They help it break out of monotony and give room for new ideas. Such was the case with this one, although being set on Wawanakwa, the radioactivity made it interesting. The main negative was too much focus on Zoey and Cameron, who aren’t that interesting in my opinion. In the end, this was an average season. Not great, but not terrible either.

My Rating: 7/10

Total Drama: All-Stars - Ah, what could have been? The premise for this season was awesome, as were most of the characters. This season kicked off and started strong, but lost the momentum about halfway through. A mix of all the fan favorites, awesome challenges based on previous seasons, and Gwen and Courtney were finally friends again. I honestly felt like this could have been the best season, even surpassing Island. Unfortunately, too much focus on Mal, Zoey, and Cameron (again) doomed this season and it ended up as one of the worst.

My Rating: 6/10

Total Drama: Pahkitew Island - Total Drama once again proves that it can bounce back from devastation by delivering a gem of a season. They crafted one of the best seasons yet and may have saved the entire franchise from extinction with this masterpiece. In what was the most Survivor-esque season ever, they had a cool slate of new characters and storylines, all with a great overarching plot about the mystery of the island. Despite being limited to fourteen episodes, Total Drama redeemed itself.

My Rating: 8/10

Spinoff (Trilogy?)

The drama didn’t end there, though. After poking fun at Survivor, Fear Factor, and Big Brother, they decided to take a jab at another popular reality show, The Amazing Race. Then they reimagined the characters as little kids. Yeah. I can't believe it either.

Total Drama Presents The Ridonculous Race - I liked Don, though Chris is the better host. Either way, this role suits him. The characters were all awesome, albeit some not getting enough screen-time. The action was fast-paced (sometimes too much), and there were some great challenges. Maybe that might change if this spinoff ever gets a sequel. I would love to see what some of the characters would do the original format, though.

My Rating: 7.5/10

Total DramaRama - Currently ongoing season where the characters are kids and in a daycare managed by Chef. Oh and Jude from 6teen is there too! There will be 52 episodes in total, and this has been confirmed. We'll get about an episode a week or so. Although it isn't in the format of other seasons (no eliminations, voting, challenges, etc.), there are still references and cameos. It has been surprisingly better than I expected it to be. It's enough to revive the Total Drama fandom and keep me going as well.

My Rating: TBD

The ? Trilogy

The Producers have stated that they would like the show to have 10 seasons. Considering All-Stars and Pahkitew were technically both season 5, and RR as a spinoff, that means there are at least 4 more seasons left, if not more. This is assuming DramaRama counts as a season. Where could our characters go next? Outer Space? Underwater? Maybe Chris decides to resurrect Wawanakwa for old time's sake. You never know. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Things That You Would NEVER Hear A Total Drama Contestant Say

Beth: She sells sea shells on the seashore.

Harold: Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan.

Eva: I'm not tough enough for this job.

DJ: Yo dawgs! Sup, my nigga? It's Devon Joseph from da hood. How ya doin' homies?

Alejandro: Chef is totally 10 times as hot as me.

Leshawna: Trolololololololololololololololol

Owen: I'm so fresh, you can suck my nuts.

Geoff: Enough partying. It's time to study.

Trent: Nine sucks. It's the worst number ever. I hate it.

Duncan: Puppies are so cute.

Gwen: BOOBIES!

Katie: I think that Sadie and I should stop squealing. It's super annoying.

Justin: I am so high on potatoes right now.

Cody: I'm gay.

Heather: Who can take a sunrise? Sprinkle it with dew? The Candyman. Oh, the Candyman can!

Tyler: I like big butts and I cannot lie!

Chris: I hate this hair-gel.

Chef: DJ, I am your father!

Courtney: My Little Pony! My Little Pony!

Sierra: I think I'll leave Cody alone for a while.

Lindsay: I'm sick of these stupid morons on this dumb island! Screw you freaks!

Ezekiel: The inner machinations of my mind are an enigma.

Sadie: I'm totally lesbo for Katie.

Noah: I love physical activities. Sports are totally my forte.

Izzy: I'll shut up now.

Bridgette: I'm gonna eat some beef now. Maybe some chicken wings as well, with some dolphin wieners on the side!

Total Drama Questionnaire:

1. Your favorite character: Noah (The badass bookworm)

2. Your least favorite character: Sugar (She's a combination of Owen's grossness, Staci's blabbering, and Katie & Sadie's annoying-ness. Add a stupid Texas accent and you've got the absolute worst character in Total Drama history.)

3. Character you’d date: Lindsay (The reason should be pretty clear. Or rather, two reasons *wink wink, nudge nudge*)

4. Character you’d like to go shopping with: Cody (We can talk about cool gadgets and video games)

5. Character you’d like as your child: Hmmm... Baby Zoey wouldn't be that bad.

6. Character who would probably be your rival: Heather (I despise her)

7. Character you have most in common with: Noah (As shown above)

8. Character you look like the most: Noah (but with glasses)

9. Character you’d bring home to your parents: Gwen would be cool

10. Character you’d never bring home to your parents: Izzy OR Duncan. Can't decide.

11. Character you’d become best friends with: Cody. That dude needs some friends.

12. Character with your favorite voice: Noah.

13. Character you’d go camping with: Geoff (Party all day!)

14. Character you wouldn’t mind being roommates with: Bridgette (Kind, smart, and understanding)

15. Character you’d want to cook for you: DJ (Mama's spice)

16. Character you wouldn’t mind prancing naked for you: Can you say "awkward"? If I must choose, I guess Lindsay for two reasons, although Izzy's the one who's most likely to actually do it.

17. Your OTP: Noah and Izzy. Notie's cool, but Nizzy rocks! Nizzy forever!

18. Character you wouldn’t mind having as a parent: Courtney would be pretty responsible. Cody would make a cool father.

19. Character you’d like to go karaoke with: Geoff

20. Character you wouldn't mind having as your butler/maid: DJ

21. Character you’d have in your clan if you were in an RPG: Cody

22. Another OTP of yours: One true pairing? Emphasis on "one" Don't really care much about the others.

23. Your favorite character of the opposite gender of #1: Izzy

24. Character with your favorite uniform/outfit: Geoff

25. Character who would be your band-mate if you were in a band: Geoff

26. Character you wouldn't mind having as your boss: Owen (I think he'd be cool)

27. Character you wouldn't want to run into in a dark alley: Duncan (I would piss my pants)

28. Character you’d want to be personified into a dog: DJ

29. Character you’d want to be personified into a cat: Izzy (Cuteness overload)

30. Character you’d want to cosplay as: Noah

Who's More Likely...

To lose their virginity first?
Lindsay

To watch anime?
Harold

To have a lot of brothers and sisters?
Noah

To be an only child?
Cody

To smoke?
Duncan

To do drugs?
Duncan

To be the teacher's pet?
Courtney

To be in a choir?
Courtney

To have never been in love before?
Eva

To have most Fs?
Duncan

To listen to classical music?
Courtney

To watch romantic movies?
Katie & Sadie

To read Stephen King?
Noah

To go to the museum very often?
Cody / Harold

To live on a farm?
Ezekiel / Beth

To live in a mansion?
Lindsay

To be rich?
Lindsay / Heather

To be poor?
Ezekiel

To always be happy?
Geoff / Owen

To have always been the heartbreaker?
Alejandro / Duncan

To be a very big fan of "Star Wars"?
Cody

Girl to have never spoken to a guy before joining TDI?
Beth

Boy to have never spoken to a girl before joining TD?
Ezekiel

ACT 5 - THE FINAL CURTAIN

THIS SPACE IS FOR RENT. For inquiries, contact 1-772-257-4501

FAVORITE AUTHORS, FRIENDS, AND REVIEWERS

The Kobold Necromancer . I'll Cover Angel and Collins . Winter-Rae . TDI Charlie Brown . Red Eyed Warrior

The Cheesebub . The Impossibly Awesome Writer . Sarcastic Devotee . CosmicWarrior . Mr. Aanonymous . Ninten

Gideon . MAYFB . Liz . Kjeld . Bella . James . Dark . Julius . Sarah . Chloe . Grace . Pippa . Heroi . Knifez . Kate

acosta perez jose ramiro . OmniPlanckInstant . sdgeek2003 . Linkonpark100 . Samtastic 3.0 . smilingagged . C107galaxytachyon

Thank you for all the love and support, guys!

Well, what are you waiting for? Go read their stories.

SUGGESTIONS FOR FELLOW WRITERS

If you are still reading this and haven't gotten bored yet, here are some suggestions that I will offer to other writers. I know that I, myself am not such a good writer, but I do have some important rules for you to follow:

Before uploading a story, make sure it follows the FanFiction Guidelines and also sticks with the FanFiction Ratings.

Your story will be reported and removed if it is found to be in violation of them.

Tips on Story Etiquette:-

1. The first rule of Write Club is you do not talk about Write Club.

2. Try to avoid walls of text. They are very difficult and annoying to read. The 'Enter' key exists for a reason. Please use it once in a while.

3. One Thing That I Am Really Not A Fan Of Is When Every Word Is Typed In Upper Case. [Can you see how irritating that is? Seriously, don't do it.] ALSO, AVOID TYPING IN ALL CAPITALS, or in all lowercase. Or iN RanDOm caPs. Ugh... -_-

4. Capitalization: It's the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse. For those in doubt: Names are always capitalized. The word "God" is always capitalized (and 'He' when referring to 'Him'). The beginnings of sentences are capitalized. The title of stories/ places/ movies/ video games is capitalized. Also, of course, capitals are capitalized. Also, commas are the difference between Let's eat Grandma! and Let's eat, Grandma!

5. Terrible spelling is something that immediately makes me switch to another fic. Everyone makes mistakes, everybody has those days but please try to keep them to a minimum. Check your spelling first before uploading. Most Documents have a built-in spellchecker, and even if yours doesn't, reading through the story once should remove most mistakes. Those red lines aren't for decoration! Lern 2 speel porprely, okey?

6. Also, please check your grammar. "You're" and "your" are two different things. So are "to", "too", and "two". "Their", "there" and "they're" are not similar in the slightest. It may seem like a small mistake, but it will make a big difference and it could change the meaning of your sentence entirely. I recommend the Grammarly add-on for Google Chrome. Also, watch "Grammar Slam" by CM Punk and fix your gosh darn grammar.

7. Try to balance chapters out. If they are too short, there might not be enough information and if they are too long, it will be very tiring to read. Whatever you choose, be sure to stay consistent. Also, try to have a similar number of words in each chapter, so people will get used to the flow of the fic. It's hard to trust a story that's under one thousand words, especially after three chapters.

8. Quality over speed any day. You need to be putting your best out to the readers. Even if it takes a while to do, don't compromise on quality. A well-written story that takes three years to complete is much better than a rushed one with mistakes finished in a year.

Tips for Characters:-

9. Simplify. Focus. Combine characters. Hop over detours. You’ll feel like you’re losing valuable stuff but it sets you free.

10. Problems are what drive a story. What are the stakes? Give us reason to root for the character(s). What are the consequences if they don’t succeed? Stack the odds against them. Make trouble. Wreak havoc.

11. Especially in POV fics, imagine what you would do and think when faced with the situation that the character is facing. Identify with your situation/characters. What would make you act that way? If you were your character, in this situation, how would you feel? Honesty lends credibility to baffling situations.

12. Coincidences to get characters into trouble are great. Coincidences to get them out of it are cheating. Avoid these like the plague. Too much of them and your story will become unbelievable.

Tips for Plots and Finishing:-

13. Keep in mind what’s interesting to the audience, not what’s awesome to do as a writer. They can be very different. Don't assume the readers know all that you know. They aren't telepathic (except me, of course). Be obvious if necessary. It's better than being vague and leaving your readers clueless.

14. Writer's block sucks. You just have to fight through it and force yourself to upload that next chapter. Once you do this, the rest of the chapters will be easy as pie. Before you start your story, make sure you have a rough idea of the plot. Never deviate too far from this plot. If stuck, make a list of what wouldn't happen next. Lots of times the material to get you unstuck will show up.

15. Nearly every story follows some version of this format: Once upon a time there was _. Every day, _. One day, _. Because of that, _. Because of that, _. Until finally, _. Now all you have to do is fill in the blanks! :)

16. Can't think of a logical ending? Don't write the story! It'll eventually get discontinued. I guarantee it. Come up with your ending before you figure out your middle. Seriously. Endings are hard, so get yours working up front. This technique may seem dumb, but it really works. Many a good fic has been left incomplete because the writer couldn't stick with the plot or figure out an apt ending.

17. With that being said, avoid burning a lot of fuel going nowhere. If it’s not working, just stop and try something else. The time could be utilized for greater things. No work is ever wasted. It might come back around to be useful later.

18. Once you manage to finish a story, let it be even if it’s not perfect. Stop worrying about it. Move on and do better next time.

Tips on Miscellaneous Stuff:-

19. Look at the original source material before you write! Watch it, learn it, love it! No matter how many fanfics or lore you've read, there is no substitute for the original thing. Wikis and other fics should be used to bolster your knowledge, not as a primary source of information. This is the way the creators intended the characters to be. The rest is made by fans. This way, you stay true to the original and don't drift into OOC-ness.

20. Don't be afraid to try out a new idea for a fic. Who knows? It might catch fire. However, if you know that the idea is stupid, please don't upload it. It's better to post a few good stories than a lot of crappy and half-hearted ones.

21. Constructive criticism is good. Flaming is bad. Everyone in FF is an aspiring writer and wants to share their thoughts and ideas with the rest of us. No matter how much you think a story sucks, please do not flame it. It will only upset the writer and may put them off from writing anything else. If you don't have anything good/helpful to say, don't review at all. Critique the story, not the writer. Don't lower yourself to petty arguments. In short, don't be a dick.

22. On the subject of pure OC Fics (Submit your own characters), I'm sure I speak for the majority of people when I say this: These stories are really stupid! FanFiction is supposed to be about the actual characters, not your own. The fics rarely (if ever) get finished and I am glad FF has started cracking down on them. You may get a lot of reviews but people will stop reading once their character is gone. There is no point to these fics. All they do is clog the front page. If you do create an OC, do not make them the main character! Stories combining your own OCs with real characters are fine. (If done right). Also, for the love of Cthulhu, please stop inserting yourself into your fics! Unless it's for humor or done ironically, it's just borderline creepy.

23. There are two keys that unlock the writer within you. One of these is to read good stories. Note down what you like about them. A lot of fanfiction is amateurish, and a lot of it frankly isn't worth reading. It takes patience to find the great stuff. It's not just fanfics, either. Novels, novellas, and short stories offer great inputs as well.

24. The other key is to write, write, write. If you want to succeed as a writer, you must be willing to accept criticism and adapt your writing style. No one is born brilliant, they are molded. No story is without sins or mistakes. The important thing is to learn from those mistakes and reduce them next time to develop as a writer. The more you write, the better you'll get. Keep working hard and success will come your way.

25. Last but certainly not least, never give up. Your first few stories may not be that big of a hit but just keep writing and thinking of new ideas and you'll have a good story in no time. Write because you enjoy it, not solely because you want to please your reviewers or followers. Don't turn it into a chore. HAVE FUN WHILE YOU'RE WRITING! I cannot stress this point enough.

You didn't notice that there were two "rule 2"s, did you?

...I lied.

Be sure to pass on these golden rules to newcomers (more may be added on later as I see fit).

To be honest with you, there really are no hard and fast rules. They're more what you'd call "guidelines" than actual rules.

I am guilty of not following some of these guidelines as well. My first story was full of mistakes and errors (Seriously. Way too many).

Repeat after me: "I am not perfect. There is no 'perfect' way to write a story, nor a 'perfect' story, nor a 'perfect' writer."

You're not perfect.

Yes, there is no such thing as 'perfect'. You can, however, get better by practicing more and more.

Also, never forget to have fun and stay frosty. Let your creative juices flow freely. Unleash Your Imagination!

You have now reached the end of my stupid, lame-ass profile. Thanks for stopping by! *Hands you a cookie as a reward*

Click here to read it again.

Click here to read some Total Drama fanfics written by other dudes.

Click here to delete the internet.

Luv u guys. :)

You are now free to exit. Peace! Oh, and read my stories below! xD

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