Dear Math,

I am not your therapist.

It is time for you to grow up and solve your own problems.

Also, stop asking me to find your X.

She is NOT coming back to you.

Don't ask Y, just accept it.

OBITUARY FOR THE LATE MR. COMMON SENSE

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense,who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and Maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6 year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get Parental consent to administer Calpol, sun lotion, or a band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

A moment of silence.

Girls Don't realize these things;

I'm sorry
that I bought you roses
to tell you that I like you

I'm sorry
That I was raised with respect
not to sleep with you when you were drunk

I'm sorry
That my body's not ripped enough
to "satisfy" your wants

I'm sorry
that I open your car door,
and pull out your chair like I was raised

I'm sorry
That I'm not cute enough
to be "your guy"

I'm sorry
That I am actually nice;
not a jerk

I'm sorry
I don't have a huge bank account
to buy you expensive things

I'm sorry
I like to spend quality nights at home
cuddling with you, instead of at a club

I'm sorry
I would rather make love to you then just screw you
like some random guy.

I'm sorry
That I am always the one you need to talk to,
but never good enough to date

I'm sorry
That I always held your hair back when you threw up, and didn't get mad at you for puking in my car,
but when we went out you went home with another guy

I'm sorry
That I am there to pick you up at 4am when your new man hit you and dropped you off in the middle of nowhere,
but not good enough to listen to me when I need a friend

I'm sorry
If I start not being there because it hurts being used as a door mat, only to be thrown to the side when the new jerk comes around

I'm sorry
If I don't answer my phone anymore when you call, to listen to you cry for hours, instead of getting a couple hours of sleep before work

I'm sorry
that you can't realize.. I've been the one all along.

I'm sorry
If you read this and know somebody like this
but don't care

But most of all

I'm sorry
For not being sorry anymore

I'm sorry
That you can't accept me for who I am

I'm sorry
I can never do anything right, and nothing that I do is good
enough to make it in your world.

I'm sorry
I caught your boyfriend with another girl and told you about it, I thought that was what friends were for...

I'm sorry
That I told you I loved you and actually meant it.

I'm sorry
That I talked to you for nine hours on Thanksgiving when your boyfriend was threatening you instead of spending time with my family.

I'm Sorry
That I cared

I'm sorry
that I listen to you at night talking about how you wish you could have done something different.

Ladies always complain and gripe to their friends that there is never any good guys out there, and they always end up with assholes who mistreat them. Well ladies, next time you're complaining, maybe look up to see who you're complaining to, maybe that special someone is right there hanging on your every word as usual, screaming in his head "Why won't you give me a chance?"
Because the person you are usually searching for is right by you.

If you're a guy and you agree with this letter, copy and paste into your profile as 'I'm sorry'

If You're one of the FEW girls with enough BALLS to copy and paste this into your profile, and you would never make your guy feel this way, copy and paste into your profile as 'Girls Don't Realize These Things'

(Like, wtf y'all)

Mummy...Johnny brought a gun to school, he told his friends that it was cool , and when he pulled the trigger back

It shot with a great crack! Mummy I was a good girl, I did what I was told, I went to school, I got straight A's, I even got the gold

But mummy when I went to school that day, I never said goodbye, I'm sorry mummy I had to go, but mommy please don't cry

When Johnny shot the gun he hit me and another, and all because he got the gun from his older brother

Mummy please tell daddy that I love him very much, and please tell Chris, my boyfriend, that it wasn't just a crush

And tell my little sister that she is the only one now, and tell my dear sweet grandmother that I'll be waiting for her now

And tell my wonderful friends that they were always the best

Mummy I'm not the first I'm no better than the rest, mummy tell my teachers I won't show up for class, and never to forget this and please don't let this pass

Mummy why'd it have to be me no one deserves this, mummy warn the others, mummy I left without a kiss

And mummy tell the doctors I know they really did try, I think I even saw a doctor trying not to cry

Mummy I'm slowly dying with a bullet in my chest, but mummy please remember I'm in heaven with the rest, mummy I ran as fast as I could when I heard that crack

Mummy listen to me if you would, I wanted to go to college, I wanted to try things that were new, I guess I'm not going with daddy, on that trip to the new zoo

I wanted to get married, I wanted to have a kid, I wanted to be an actress

Mummy I wanted to live, but mummy I must go now the time is getting late

Mummy tell my Chris, I'm sorry but I had to cancel the date , I love you mummy I always have, I know you know it's true

Mummy all I wanted to say is "mummy I love you", In memory of the Columbian students that were lost

Please if you would, pass this around, I'd be happy if you could

Don't smash this on the ground, if you pass this on, maybe people will cry

Just keep this in heart, for the people that didn't get to say "goodbye"

Now you have two choices

1) repost and show you care

2)ignore it and you have just proven you have a low-down, cold-heart

(Please just copy and paste this on to your site and show that you care)

MURPHY'S LESSER-KNOWN LAWS:

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

4. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90 probability you'll get it wrong.

7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

9. The things that come to those who wait, will be the things left by those who got there first.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

11. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

12. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Guy: Where have you been all my life? Girl: Hiding from you.

Guy: Haven't I seen you someplace before? Girl: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Guy: Is this seat empty? Girl: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Guy: Your place or mine? Girl: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Guy: So, what do you do for a living? Girl: I'm a female impersonator.

Guy: Hey baby, what's your sign? Girl: Do not enter.

Guy: I would go to the end of the world for you.Girl: But would you stay there?

Guy: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together Girl: Really? 'Cause I'd put i at the beginning and u at the end.

Guy:Your eyes they're amazing. Girl: Seeing your back would be pretty amazing.

Guy: I'd like to call you. What's your number? Girl: It's in the phone book

Guy: I know how to please a woman Girl: Then please leave me alone

Guy: I can tell you want me Girl: Ohhhh, your so right, I want you to leave

Guy: If you were a hamburger at McDonalds you would be McGorgeous Girl: Would that be under your McLame Burger

Guy: Did it hurt when you fell out of heaven Girl: Not nearly as bad as when you fell on planet rejection

Guy: Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again Girl: No, but sure...next time just be sure to keep walking

Guy: I want to give myself to you Girl: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts

Guy: It's a good thing I have a library card because I'm checking you out Girl: Sorry, I'm on reserve for someone else

(if ur a girl that would say stuff like that then post this on your profile) Lolz, he just got SERVED!

Put this on your profile...

If your headphones are ALWAYS tangled.

If your fridge has NOTHING in it to eat, no matter how full it is.

If you think those 5 extra minutes of sleep really make a difference

If you can't stand to hear your own voice in videos or recordings.

f you really wish you could record your dreams and watch them later.

If you wish music played during epic moments in your life, like in movies.

If you hate getting out of the shower and it's FREEZING.

If you hate how the best part of your dream is always right about to happen when you wake up.

If you haven't lost it... you just... haven't found it yet.

If you and your best friend can say one word and almost die from laughing hysterically. (dam)

If you stop the microwave before it hits 0:00 to avoid hearing the loud BEEPs.

If you know because everyone's house has a different smell that yours must have one. But you still can't smell it!

If you have to say the entire alphabet out loud because you can't remember what letter comes next.

If you hate it when you think of a really good comeback after the argument.

If you love it when teachers get off track and tell you stories about their life.

If your favorite song always seems to come on right as you pull into your driveway.

If you mentally say "Wed-nes-day" when writing the word "Wednesday".

If you used to climb on furniture and pretend the floor was lava.

If you want to STRANGLE that kid who reminds the teacher about homework and quizzes.

If whenever someone says 'I like your shirt', you look down to see what you're wearing.

If once you turn off all the lights in the basement you run the heck out of there.

If you feel like a ninja whenever you drop something and catch it.

If you believe everything you read in any type of book including comic books are real, at least in a different universe.

I used to be normal, until I met the freaks that I call my friends.

Best friends are the people that know all about and still put up with you!

I dream of a better tomorrow--when chickens can cross the road and not have their motives questioned.

You laugh now because you're older than me by mere months, but when you're 30 and I'm still 29, who will be laughing then?

I dont have a short attention span, i just...oh look, a kitty!

I live in my own little world, but it's ok, everyone knows me here :)

I live in a world full of bunnies and unicorns...but the bunnies are cutting themselves and the unicorns are acting all emo again.

I run with scissors, it makes me feel dangerous.

I ran with scissors, and lived

Everything here is eatable. I'm eatable, but that my children is called cannibalism and is frowned upon in most societies.

An apple away keeps the doctor away, if well aimed.

Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic...

How is it possible to have a civil war?

When French people swear do they say pardon my English?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

364 days of the year, parents tell their kids not to take candy from strangers, yet on Halloween, its encouraged! Why is that?

Why do people say, "You can't have your cake and eat it too"? Why would someone get cake if they can't eat it?

Funny Things

If ya can't beat 'em, join 'em. If ya can't join 'em, bribe 'em. If ya can't bribe 'em, blackmail 'em. If ya can't blackmail 'em, kill 'em. If ya can't kill 'em, you're screwed.

You cry, I cry. You laugh, I laugh. You jump off a cliff, I laugh even harder

People that don't know me think I'm quiet. People that do wish I was.

If your heart was really broken . . . you'd be dead so shut up.

People say "Guns don't kill people, People kill people!" Well, I think guns help. If you stood there and yelled "Bang", I don't think you'd kill too many people.

He who laughs last didn't get it.

If Tylenol, Duct Tape, & a Band Aid can't fix it, you have a serious problem.

They laugh because we're losers . . . . We laugh because they just figured it out.

The 50-50-90 rule: any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90 probability you'll get it wrong.

The person who smiles when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.

The voices may not be real, but they have some pretty good ideas.

Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back. Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.

A wise man once said, "Ask a girl."

Fighting is mind over matter. I don't mind, and you don't matter.

Why be difficult, when, with just a little bit of effort, you can be impossible?

If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.

Hate is just a special kind of love we give to people who suck.

Keep smiling; it makes people wonder what you're up to.

You have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be misquoted and used against you.

Chaos, panic, pandemonium. My work here is done.

If you don't like me, there is nothing I can do. Newsflash, Honey, I don't live to please you.

Don't knock on death's door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

You laugh because I'm different. I laugh because you're all the same.

Being mature is overrated.

Being weird is like being normal, only better.

I'm not clumsy, the floor just hates me.

Boys are like lava lamps: fun to watch but not too bright.

It takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile, and only 4 to reach out and slap someone.

I believe you should live each day as if it were your last, which is why I don't do my laundry. I mean, come on, who would wanna wash clothes on the last day of their life?

Silence is golden . . . duct tape is silver.

When life gives you lemons . . . make grape juice, and watch the world wonder how you did it. (OR) squirt 'em in peoples' eyes!

Be insane- well behaved people never made history.

To the world you are just one person, but to one person, you're the world.

Your weirdness is creeping my imaginary friend out.

One day your prince will come. Mine? Oh, he took a wrong turn, got lost, and was too stubborn to ask for directions.

It's always in the last place you look . . . of course it is, why would I keep looking for it?

Happiness is just around the corner! . . . Too bad the world is round . . .

The dinosaur's extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all committed suicide.

Labels are for cans, and in case you haven't noticed, I'm not a can!

Excuse me. Have you seen my sanity? I think I've lost it . . .

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us how to walk and talk, then the rest of our lives telling us to sit down and shut up.

Some say the glass is half full, others the glass is half empty, all I want to know is who's drinking my water!

"Sir, we're surrounded!" "Excellent, we can attack in any direction!"

I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no way Paper can beat Rock. Is Paper supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? If so, why can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that thing up in two seconds. When I play Rock, Paper, Scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my ready made fist and say, "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you, you *!"

Rock beats paper. Always. But since we live in a world where Paper may beat rock, use Cannonball; it makes a big hole in paper.

I hate it when people say there is no such thing as normal. There IS such thing, as normal means average, what is considered to be most common. Normal. Of course, I'm not normal at all so I have no idea what I'm on about. If you want to learn how to explode things, crush things, cause things harm, or whatever random things you need, I'm your girl. If you want to know about anything that you will actually USE in life, go somewhere else.

FRIENDS Vs. BEST FRIENDS

FRIENDS: Will comfort you when he rejects you.

BEST FRIENDS: Will go up and ask him, "It's because you're gay, isn't it?"

FRIENDS: Will be there for you when he breaks up with you.

BEST FRIENDS: Will need you to bail them out of jail for kicking the dude's ass.

FRIENDS: Helps you up when you fall.

BEST FRIENDS: Keeps on walking saying, "Walk much, dumb ass?"

FRIENDS: Helps you find your prince.

BEST FRIENDS: Kidnaps him and brings him to you.

FRIENDS: Will ask you if you're okay when you're crying.

BEST FRIENDS: Will either laugh at you and say, "Ha Ha, Loser!" or punch the source of your sorrows.

FRIENDS: Will offer you a soda.

BEST FRIENDS: Will takes yours and downs it before you can take it back.

FRIENDS: Will sit at the side of the pool with you at that time of the month.

BEST FRIENDS: Will throw you a tampon and push you in.

FRIENDS: Gives you their umbrella in the rain.

BEST FRIENDS: Takes yours and says, "Run - beep - run!"

FRIENDS: Will help you move.

BEST FRIENDS: Will help you move... the bodies.

FRIENDS: Will bail you out of jail.

BEST FRIENDS: Would be in the room next to you saying, "That was awesome! Let's do it again!"

FRIENDS: Never ask for anything to eat or drink.

BEST FRIENDS: Helps themselves and are the reason why you have no food.

FRIENDS: Call your parents by Mr. and Mrs. and Grandpa, by Grandpa.

BEST FRIENDS: Call your parents DAD and MOM and Grandpa, GRAMPS!

FRIENDS: Would bail you out of jail.

BEST FRIENDS: Would be sitting next to you saying "DAMN!" we messed up!

FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry

BEST FRIENDS: Won’t tell everyone else you cried...just laugh about it with you in private when your not down anymore.

FRIENDS: Asks you to write down your number.

BEST FRIENDS: Has you on speed dial.

FRIENDS: Borrows your stuff for a few days then gives it back.

BEST FRIENDS: Loses your stuff and tells you, "My bad...here's a tissue."

FRIENDS: Only know a few things about you.

BEST FRIENDS: Could write a very embarrassing biography on your life story...

FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.

BEST FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds ass that left you

FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door.

BEST FRIENDS: Walk right in and say "I'M HOME."

FRIENDS: You have to tell them not to tell anyone.

BEST FRIENDS: Already know not to tell.

FRIENDS: Will be there to take your drink away from you when they think you've had enough.

BEST FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place & say "Girl drink the rest of that ! You know we don't waste!"

FRIENDS: Are only through high school/college.

BEST FRIENDS: Are for life.

20 Things i'm gonna do before i die...

1) Look at see through glass and when someone is on the other side shout "OH MY GOD, I'M HIDEOUS!"

2) Bring a big chair into the elevator facing away from the door and when someone walks in, dramatically turn and say 'we've been expecting you.'

3) Walk up to someone, hand them a potato, look them in the eyes and deadpan 'with great power, comes great responsibility.' Walk away.

4) Call someone to tell them you can't talk right now.

5) Point at someone and shout "You're one of them!" Run and pretend to trip. Crawl away slowly.

6) Buy a donut and complain that there's a hole in it.

7) Put Mayonnaise in a bowl, freeze it, and tell your friend it's ice cream.

8) Put up a "Lost Dog" poster with a picture of a cat on it.

9) In a public toilet, pass a note under the door next to you saying, "They're onto us. We need to go."

10) Walk up to a random person and say, "Wow! You've changed, I still have your picture from five years ago." And hold up a picture of potato.

11) Call McDonalds asking for directions to Burger King.

12) Order a pizza 5 minutes before New Years, and when it comes, yell, "I ORDERED THIS THING A YEAR AGO!

13) Bring a desk on an elevator. When people try to get on ask if they have an appointment.

14) Go to an electronic store with a banana and say that you want to upgrade to an apple.

15) Call Pizza Hut and ask for the phone number to Domino's.

16) Hide a walk talkie in a bush and scare people that walk by.

17) Get on a crowded elevator with a bag in your hands, sigh and say "darn my snake got loose again".

18) When someone asks you if you know what time it is, say yes and walk away.

19) Dress up as a duck and throw bread at people and say,"HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?!! HUH?!!!!

20) Go to a pet shop, point at an employee, and shout "I WANT THAT ONE MOMMY!!!"

Can you raed tihs? I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. If you can raed tihs cpoy and ptsae tihs itno yuor pirlofe and add yuor nmae in mxeid from. DrakKyrpitd, Sahdo-cahn, hteunr415, LasiAobina15, Marooo., DaughterofNyx, Fiaaa12, TheDepthsUndisturbed Chat Jaune darognrdeir35758, Daughter-Of-Hecate-And-Hades.

For me, crazy is a loose term. Crazy is where you stare at a pencil and laugh when someone asks you just what you find so interesting about the eraser. Crazy is when you have an hour long sob-fest, then start singing and dancing when your favourite song plays. Crazy is where you do or say a totally random thing, like 'do you ever wonder where the eraser bits go?' or start having a thumb war with yourself (I find I am a tough opponent). So if your crazy copy this onto your profile.

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