A friend trys to help you when you get hurt, a true friends sits there laughing their ass off saying, 'Dude, you're an idiot!'

A friend will bail you out of jail, a true friend will be there next to you saying "damn that was fun!"

A friend will tell you when your wrong, a true friend will wait for you to screw up so they can laugh in your face.

A friend will encourage your choices in life, a true friend will write them down for black mail.

A friend will help you study for a test, a true friend will help you procrastinate studing for a test.

i'm the kind of person who lauqhs at a joke 3 times
once when it's said
once when it's explained to me
once five minutes later when i finally get it

Who ever said nothing was impossible, never tried slamming a revolving door.

Mirrors don’t talk, and luckily for you they don’t laugh.

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast, the mime next door when nuts.

When I was younger I hated going to weddings... it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.' They stopped that crap after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

"I was reading about how hundreds of species are being driven to extinction by man's destruction of forests. Sometimes I think the surest sign of intelligent life on other planets is that they don't try to contact us."

--(Roughly paraphrased) Calvin; Calvin and Hobbes

Nunquam lamiae morde me dice. - Never say 'bite me' to a vampire.

-Anonymous

Nunquam commoda homini lupinotuum pectinem crinalem. - Never lend a werewolf your hairbrush.

-Anonymous

Futue te ipsum et caballum tuum. -- Screw you and the horse you rode in on.

-Anonymou

Aziraphale patted Crowley on the back. "We seem to have survived," he said. "Just imagine how terrible it might have been if we'd been at all competent."

-Terry Pratchett, Neil Gaiman

Anathema ... disapproved of liquor in general but approved of it in her specific case.

-Terry Pratchett, Neil Gaiman

You can't make a person love you...you can only stalk them and hope for the best.

-Anonymous

If I had all the money I've spent on drink, I'd spend it on drink.

-Stanshall Vivian

I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.

-Mother Teresa of Calcutta

Elves are wonderful. They provoke wonder.

Elves are marvelous. They cause marvels.

Elves are fantastic. They create fantasies.

Elves are glamorous. They project glamor.

Elves are enchanting. They weave enchantment.

Elves are terrific. They beget terror.

The thing about words is that meanings can twist just like a snake, and if you want to find snakes look for them behind words that have changed their meaning.

Nobody said elves were nice.

Elves are bad.

– Lords and Ladies

Listen to the whisper upon the wind, through the forest, high above cities, flowing past mountains. Listen to the whisper of unsung songs and untold stories. Listen to the whisper; let it lead you through your life, through happiness and sadness and always remember the whisper of the heart.

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill. Courage to kill the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those who have pissed me off today

There is light and there is dark. Both are natural, for how could one percieve Light without Dark. They are the balance. Evil is quite simply the lack of that balance.