Name: You're not going to find out

Age: 24

Gender: Male

Status: Single

Education: College Student

Interests and Hobbies: manga/anime, video games, music

Bands/Artists I Like: too many to list

Bands/Artists I Dislike: Justin Bieber, Lil Uzi Vert, 21 Savage, Miley Cyrus

Quotes:

"No shit Sherlock! Did you figure that out by yourself or did you need help?"

"I'm going to first castrate you, then mutilate you, and finally decapitate you, all with a rusty spoon."

"How about I strangle you to death with your own intestines?!"

"Did you hear that? That's the sound of no one caring."

"Gynaecology. Oh yeah, that thing."

"Why? Because its better than a bunch of golden unicorns ass-raping a bunch of rainbow babies."

"I'm insane?! No, really?! What could I have done in the past that could possible give you that idea?"

"You missed. Badly."

"No. What do I mean by no? Here, let me say it in a way that you might possibly be able to understand: N, O. Nnnnnnnooooooooo. No. Now do you understand?"

"I'm sorry but annoying people is one of my favorite pastimes."

"Fantastical..."

"Fan-fucking-tastic isn't it?"

100 Rules of Anime

The laws of Anime is a growing list of physical, universal, and natural
phenomenon that seem to appear in various forms in all sorts of anime. The original
intent was an effort to classify these incidents into a list of "laws" that
explained how Anime physics are different from our own (real?) world. It is our hope
that you find them useful to studying Anime, or at the very least, worth a good
chuckle.

#1 - Law of Metaphysical Irregularity- The normal laws of physics do not apply.

#2 - Law of Differential Gravitation- Whenever someone or something jumps, is
thrown, or otherwise is rendered airborne, gravity is reduced by a factor of 4.
Some things have been known to "Float" for a few seconds before plummeting to hit
the ground, vehicle, or someone’s cranium.

#3 - Law of Sonic Amplification, First Law of Anime Acoustics- In space, loud
sounds, like explosions, are even louder because there is no air to get in the way.

#4 - Law of Constant Thrust, First Law of Anime Motion- In space, constant thrust
equals constant velocity.

#5 - Law of Mechanical Mobility, Second Law of Anime Motion- The larger a
mechanical device is, the faster it moves, Armoured Mecha are the fastest objects
known to human science.

#6 - Law of Temporal Variability- Time is not a constant. Time stops for the hero
whenever he does something "cool" or "impressive". Time slows down when friends and
lovers are being killed and speeds up whenever there is a fight.

#7 - First Law of Temporal Mortality- "Good Guys" and "Bad Guys" both die in one of
two ways - either so quick they don’t even see it coming, OR it’s a long drawn out
affair where the character gains much insight to the workings of society, human
existence or why the toast always lands butter side down. NOTE: Sometimes, Anime
heroes or villains never really die! In these rare cases they were a clone or cyborg
and the real hero/villain’s suspiciously missing in "Malletspace", or something.

#8 - Second Law of Temporal Mortality- It takes some time for bad guys to die...
regardless of physical damage. Even when the "Bad Guys" are killed so quickly they
don’t even see it coming, it takes them a while to realize they are dead. This is
attributed to the belief that being evil damages the Reality Lobe of the brain.

#9 - Law of Dramatic Emphasis- Scenes involving extreme amounts of action are
depicted with either still frames or black screens with a slash of bright color
(usually red or white).

#10- Law of Dramatic Multiplicity- Scenes that only happen once, for instance, a
"Good Guy" kicks the "Bad Guy" in the face, are seen at least 3 times from 3
different angles.

#11- Law of Inherent Combustibility- Everything explodes. Everything.
First Corollary- Anything that explodes bulges first.
Second Corollary- Large cities are the most explosive substances known to
human science. Tokyo in particular seems to be the most unstable of these cities,
sometimes referred to as "The Matchstick City".

#12- Law of Phlogistatic Emission- Nearly all things emit light from fatal wounds.

#13- Law of Energetic Emission- There is always an energy build up (commonly
referred to as an energy "bulge") before Mecha or space craft weapons fire. Because
of the explosive qualities of weapons, it is believed that this is related to the
Law of Inherent Combustibility.

#14- Law of Inverse Lethal Magnitude- The destructive potential of any
object/organism is inversely proportional to its mass.
First Corollary- Small and cute will always overcome big and ugly. Also
known as the A-Ko phenomenon.

#15- Law of Inexhaustibility- No one EVER runs out of ammunition. That is of
course unless they are cornered, out-numbered, out-classed, and unconscious.

#16- Laws of Inverse Accuracy- The accuracy of a "Good Guy" when operating any form
of firearm increases as the difficulty of the shot increases. The accuracy of the
"Bad Guys" when operating firearms decreases when the difficulty of the shot
decreases. (Also known as the Stormtrooper Effect) Example: A "Good Guy" in a
drunken stupor being held upside down from a moving vehicle will always hit, and
several battalions of "Bad Guys" firing on a "Good Guy" standing alone in the middle
of an open field will always miss.
First Corollary- The more "Bad Guys" there are, the less likely they will
hit anyone or do any real damage.
Second Corollary- Whenever a "Good Guy" is faced with insurmountable odds,
the "Bad Guys" line up in neat rows, allowing the hero to take them all out with a
single burst of automatic fire and then escape.
Third Corollary- Whenever a "Good Guy" is actually hit by enemy fire, it is
in a designated "Good Guy Area", usually a flesh wound in the shoulder or arm,
which restricts the "Good Guy" from doing anything more strenuous than driving,
firing weaponry, using melee weapons, operating heavy machinery, or doing complex
martial arts maneuvers.
Fourth Corollary- The more times the "Bad Guy" fires, the fewer times he
will hit.

#17- Law of Transient Romantic Unreliability- Minimei is a bimbo. (Note: The
Minority Opposition in Ohio disagrees and thinks all men who like this stuff needs
to get out more.)

#18- Law of Hemoglobin Capacity- the human body contains over 12 gallons of blood,
sometimes more, under high pressure.

#19- Law of Demonic Consistency- Demons and other supernatural creatures have at
least three eyes, loads of fangs, tend to be yellow-green or brown, but black is not
unknown, and can only be hurt by bladed weapons. Also, acid has been known to work
just as well...

#20- Law of Militaristic Unreliability- Huge galaxy-wide armadas, entire armies, and
large war machines full of cruel, heartless, bloodthirsty warriors can be stopped
and defeated with a single insignificant example of a caring/loving emotion or a
song.
First Corollary- Whenever a single war machine (mecha, starship, etc.) goes
up against an entire army, the army always loses.

#21- Law of Tactical Unreliability- Tactical geniuses aren’t...

#22 -Law of Inconsequential Undetectability- People never notice the little
things... like missing body parts, or wounds the size of Seattle.

#23- Law of Juvenile Intellectuality- Children are smarter than adults. And almost
twice as annoying.

#24- Law of Americanthromorphism- Americans in Anime appear in one of two roles,
either as a really nasty skinny "Bad Guy" or a big stupid "Good Guy".
First Corollary- The only people who are more stupid than the big dumb
Americans are the American translators. (Sometimes referred to as the Green Line
Effect)
Second Corollary- The only people who are more stupid than the American
translators are the American editors and censors.
Third Corollary- Canadians are usually portrayed as smart, strong, handsome
"Good Guys".

#25- Law of Mandibular Proportionality- The size of a person’s mouth is directly
proportional to the volume at which they are speaking or eating.

#26- Law of Feline Mutation- Any half-cat/half-human mutation will invariably:
1) be female.
2) will possess ears and sometimes a tail as a genetic mutation.
3) wear as little clothing as possible, if any.

#27- Law of Conservation of Firepower- Any powerful weapon capable of
destroying/defeating an opponent in a single shot will invariably be reserved and
used as a last resort.

#28- Law of Technological User-Benevolence- The formal training required to operate
a spaceship or mecha is inversely proportional to its complexity.

#29- Law of Melee Luminescence- Any being displaying extremely high levels of
martial arts prowess and/or violent emotions emits light in the form of a glowing
aura. This aura is usually blue for "Good Guys" and red for "Bad Guys". This is
attributed to Good being higher in the electromagnetic spectrum than Evil.

#30- Law of Non-Anthropomorphic Antagonism- All ugly, non-humanoid alien races are
hostile, and usually hell-bent on destroying humanity for some obscure reason.

#31- Law of Follicular Chromatic Variability- Any color in the visible spectrum is
considered a natural hair color. This color can change without warning or
explanation.

#32- Law of Follicular Permanence- Hair in anime is pretty much indestructible, and
can resist any amount of meteorological conditions, energy emissions, physical
abuse, or explosive effects and still look perfect. The only way to hurt someone’s
hair is the same way you deal with demons... with bladed weapons!

#33- Law of Dubbing-All anime will be dubbed, but they will almost never be as good
as the original.

#34- Law of Probable Attire- Clothing in anime follows certain predictable
guidelines: Female characters wear as little clothing as possible, regardless of
whether it is socially or meteorologically appropriate. Any female with an excessive
amount of clothing will invariably have her clothes ripped to shreds or torn off
somehow. If there is no opportunity to tear off aforementioned female’s clothes,
then she will inexplicably take a shower for no apparent reason (also known as the
Gratuitous Shower Scene). Whenever there is a headwind, Male characters invariably
wear long cloaks that don’t hamper movement and billow out dramatically behind them.
First Corollary (Cryo-Adaptability)- All anime characters are resistant to
extremely cold temperatures, and do not need to wear heavy or warm clothing in snow.
Second Corollary (Indecent Invulnerability)- Bikinis render the wearer
invulnerable to any form of damage.
Third Corollary (Probable Attire permanence)- The clothing on the hero is
indestructible. Their capes, robes, (and if they are girls,) skirts, dresses, bows,
or any loose clothing will just flap when they are in the middle of a fire or ice
attack... Unless it's a hentai. It is believed that the clothes are made out of
Anime Character hair. (re. Laws 32 & 48)

#35- Law of Musical Omnipotence- Any character capable of musical talent (singing,
playing an instrument, etc. Is automatically capable of doing much more "simple"
things, like piloting mecha, fighting crime, stopping an intergalactic war, and so
on... especially if they’ve never attempted these things before.

#36- Law of Quintupular Agglutination- Also called "The Five-man Rule", when "Good
Guys" group together, it tends to be in groups of five. There are five basic
positions, which are:
1) The Hero/Leader
2) His Girlfriend
3) His Best Friend/Rival
4) A Hulking Brute
5) A Dwarf/Kid
Between these basic positions are distributed several attributes, which include:
1)Extreme Coolness
2) Amazing Intelligence
3) Incredible Irritation

#37- Law of Extradimensional Capacitance- All anime females have an
extrasdimensional storage space of variable volume somewhere on their person from
which they can instantly retrieve any object at a moment’s notice. This mysterious
dimension is commonly called "Malletspace".
First Corollary (AKA The Hammer Rule)- The most common item stored is a
heavy mallet, costumes/uniforms, power suits/armor, and large bazookas.

#38- Law of Hydrostatic Emission- Eyes tend to be rather large in Anime. This is
because they contain several gallons of water, which may be instantaneously released
at high pressure through large tear ducts. The actual volume of water contained in
the eyes is unknown, as there is no evidence to suggest that these reservoirs are
actually capable of running out. The reason water tends to collect in the eyes is
because Anime characters only have one large sweat gland, which is located at the
back of the head. When extremely stressed , embarrassed, or worried, this sweat
gland exudes a single but very large drop of sebaceous fluid.

#39- Law of Inverse Attraction- Success at finding suitable mates is inversely
proportionate to how desperately you want to be successful. The more you want, the
less you get and vice-versa.
First Corollary- Unfortunately, this law seems to apply to Otaku in the real
world...

#40- Law of Nasal Sanguination- When sexually aroused, males in Anime don’t get
erections, they get nosebleeds. No one’s sure why this is, though... the current
theory suggests that larger eyes means smaller sinuses and thinner sinus tissue (see
Law #38 above). Females don’t get nosebleeds, but invariably get one heck of a blush
along the cheeks and across the nose, suggesting a lot of bloodflow to that region.

#41- Law of Xylolaceration- Wooden or bamboo swords are just as sharp as metal
swords, if not sharper.

#42- Law of Juvenile Omnipotence- Always send a boy to do a man’s job. He’ll get it
done in half the time and twice the angst.

#43- Law of Triscaquadrodecophobia- There is no Law #43.

#44- Law of Nominative Clamovocation- the likelihood of success and damage done by a
martial arts attack is directly proportional to the volume at which the full name of
the attack is announced (known as the Kamehameha effect).

#45- Law of Uninteruptable Metamorphosis- Regardless of how long or involved the
transformation sequence or how many times they’ve seen it before, any "Bad Guys"
witnessing a mecha/hero/heroine transforming are too stunned to do anything to
interrupt it.

#46- Law of Flimsy Incognition- Simply changing into a costume or wearing a teensy
mask can make you utterly unrecognizable to even your closest friends and relatives.

#47- Law of Mandibular Combustible Emission- All anime characters seem to have some
unknown chemical on their breath that reacts VERY violently with extremely hot or
spicy food. This chemical may also be responsible for the phenomenon of fire behind
the eyes and from the mouth when a character (usually a female) is really angry.

#48- Law of Electrical and Combustible Survivalism- If you get electrocuted or
burned, YOU WILL SURVIVE!! Though your entire body will be scorched, seconds later,
your skin won’t have a trace of damage (Also known as the "Pikachu Effect").
First Corollary- When a magical bad guy/Alien/monster fires off a flame,
wind, or ice attack, the resulting effect is only enough for the hero(es)/heroine(s)
to be standing in the "Walking Against the Wind" stance, with his/her eyes shut and
letting out a pathetic "Aaaaagh!", and yet they are never harmed. This may be in
part to laws 32, 34 and sometimes 44.

#49- Law of Female wrath- If a male character insults a female character, he will
get a mallet, shotgun, or tank blast, or if she is a character that can perform
magical feats, a fireball or whatever, to the head, body or whatever (Also known as
the "Lina Inverse/Gourry Factor") This is because he always deserves it, and will
help him to cope in today’s society. (Sniff Sniff

#50- Law of Artistic Perversion- Most (not all) Anime artists are perverts and are
under the impression that girls are willing to tear off their clothes, or wear VERY
small, revealing outfits at the drop of a pin (or pen for that matter).
Unfortunately, most Hentai fans are under the same impression.

#51- Law of Uninteruptable Nominative Clamovocation- This law is a mixture of Laws
44 and 45. Regardless of how long or involved the Spell or projectile attack is, and
the likelihood of success and damage done by the volume at which the full name of
the attack is announced, or how many times they’ve seen it before, any "Bad Guys"
witnessing a hero/heroine quoting the incantations for an extremely powerful attack
are too stunned to do anything to interrupt it. (Also known as the "Dragon Slave
Phenomenon")

52- Law of Telepathic Obliviousness- Most of the time, some Anime characters
(usually males) will think personal (Like that he/she has sabotaged something), or
perverted thoughts, while near some other character, WHO’S TELEPATHIC!! The reasons
for this are:
1) They forgot that the person is telepathic.
2) They just don’t give a damn.
The reasons the telepathic person doesn’t react are:
1) They’re preoccupied with doing something else.
2) They’d rather keep the fact to themselves that they are Telepathic.
3) They just don’t give a damn.

#53- Law of Chromatic Diversity- Air can be any color of the viewable spectrum.

#54- Law of Old Man Comic Relief- Comic relief comes in the form of a short, bald,
wise-mouthed dirty old man or alien. Or the combination of any two of those traits.
First Corollary- If old man is present, and is acting too horny, stupid,
etc., there will invariably be an old woman to whap him over the head with a frying
pan or something.

#55- Law of the Wise Old Man- Little old Japanese men always know how it ends and
withhold the ending from anyone, especially the hero. This includes special power
weapons, ancient relics, and people who know everything.

#56- Law of Omnipotent Unreliability- Any "Bad Guy" with Omnipotent powers/weapons
will never use those powers/weapons against the "Good Guy" until it is too late.
First Corollary- All "Bad Guys" suffer from Antagonistic Boasting Syndrome
which require all "Bad Guys" to threaten with or exemplify their prowess and not use
it against the "Good Guy".
Second Corollary- No "Bad Guy" may use any new, secret, or superior military
device without one of the following events occurring:
a) The control device being broken.
b) The control device being taken by the "Good Guy".
c) The control device is in fact not the real device at all and was just
"fooled" by the "Good Guy".
d) The "Bad Guy" has already lost and cannot use the device.

#57- Law of Minimum Corneal Volume- Eyeballs may make up no less than one sixth of
the face’s total surface area. More so if the case is a blonde woman.

#58- Law of Electrical Charges in Hair- Hair attracts electricity in abundance,
resulting in two outcomes:
a) A positive charge will result in the spikes-flying-everywhere-behind-me
look.
b) A negative charge will result in the
hair-cascading-down-to-the-waist-in-a-single-sheet look.

#59- Law of Ammunition Accuracy- When there are multiple types of ammunition
available (paintballs, speaker pods), non-lethal rounds will always be more accurate
when compared to "standard" or lethal shots. (Macross Plus for paintballs, Macross 7
for speaker pods)

#60- Law of Active Female Attraction- In a comedy series, a male character’s
attractiveness to women is inversely proportional to how active they pursue them.
(Tenchi, Ranma, and Makoto OVA have a seemingly endless supply of willing
girlfriends despite their lack of romantic skill while Happosai, Ataru, Carrot, and Naruto
couldn’t get a date despite or because of their constant attempts.)

#61- Law of Sweat Pore Variability- When a person is embarrassed, caught in an
awkward situation, or otherwise humiliated, all sweat pores on the body contract,
except for ones on the forehead. These pores expand to such a degree that a single
drop could fill a Big Gulp from 7-11.

#62- The Law of Inverse Training Time- A person who has been training for 3 years
is never as good as someone who has been training for one month.

#63- Law of Needs to Few and Many- The needs of the many, outweigh the needs of the
few... of even the one.

#64- Law of Bad Humor- Whenever someone says something that is intended to be
funny, whether actually funny or not, the rest of the characters (even animals) fall
to the ground with their feet in the air. Sweat sometimes accompanies the fall.
(The sound of a cow mooing usually accompanies the joke as well.)

#65- Law of Extreme Anger- Whenever a female character gets mad, such as seeing the
male character with another girl, she becomes extremely strong (despite her usually
helpless look) so that she can lift a 1000 ton object to hurt the guy. She can
sometimes perform other punishments that are just as cruel such as pinching the
guy’s face so hard that it changes shape. (see law #49)

#66- Law of Differentiated Gravitation-
First Corollary- If the airborne entity exceeds an altitude equal or greater
than two times the height of the entity, gravity is decreased by an inverse
coefficient relative to the upward momentum and mass/weight (if within at least
500 km of any gravity source) of the entity "jumping".
Second Corollary- The amount of Newtonian "opposite force" (in accordance to
normal downward velocity; "Earth gravity" speed is equal to 32ft/sec/sec) is also
inversely proportional to the "actual" speed of the airborne entity. In all
actuality, an entity that appears to be flying towards a solid concrete parking lot
from space will actually land, producing an opposite force of approximately 1.73 lb.
of pressure. Unless this particular entity is a "Bad Guy". Then the law exhibits a
mysterious exponentially proportional Newtonian opposite force, thusly increasing
this variable by a factor equal to the inverse-gravity potential.

#67- Law of Conservation of Ambient Dramatic Tension- In any situation where the
Ambient Dramatic Tension increases, the "Good Guy’s" Style Coefficient must be
increased by a proportional amount to compensate. In any situation where this does
not happen, the "Bad Guy" inevitably comes out on top. However, this usually leads
to a further rise in the Ambient Dramatic tension, which will always be offset by
an exponential increase in the "Good Guy’s" Style Coefficient.

#68- Law of Coercive Vehicular Control- No matter how complex or well defined the
control system, a character controlling a vehicle of any sort always does so through
means of undetectable subconscious psychokinesis.
First Corollary- Characters can perform actions with their vehicles which
clearly defy normal physics (see Laws of Metaphysical Irregularity and Constant
Thrust). The velocity, attitude and traction of the vehicle appear to be adjusted at
will, with the degree of absolute control being proportional to the complexity and
lethality of the maneuver.
Second Corollary- It is effectively impossible to remove characters from or
disrupt the passage of their vehicles without the character’s consent. This does not
always apply to "Bad Guy" characters, or "Good Guy" characters in situations where
the Ambient Dramatic Tension could increase in accordance with the Law of
Conservation of Ambient Dramatic Tension.

#69- Amendment to the Law of Conservation of Ambient Dramatic Tension- In any
situation where the Ambient Dramatic Tension increases without a corresponding
increase in the "Good Guy’s" Style Coefficient, not only does the "Bad Guy" usually
come out on top, but also his Smugness Factor increases in proportion to the rise in
Ambient Dramatic Tension.

#70- Law of The Rushing Background Effect- Whenever something dramatic occurs, a
survival instinct engages, thus rendering all incoming stimulus that is not directly
and immediately to the dramatic situation at hand a meaningless blur. This is often
referred to as "The Rushing Background Effect". Due to the increase in brain
activity and adrenaline levels in the bloodstream, the scene is often played out in
slow motion.

#71- Law of Interdimensional Hammers- Whenever a female character witnesses a male
character of her preference performing any sort of questionable act (i.e. Looking at
another girl or anything she might construe as perverted) she can reach into an
interdimensional realm (usually behind her back) and withdraw a huge Anime Mallet of
Doom with which to whack the said male over the head with. (see Laws # 37, 49, and
65)

#72- Law of Instant Band-Aids- Whenever a character is injured (usually in a head
shot, maybe from a mallet whack) Band-Aids will always instantly appear on the
wounded individual (and always in pairs, set in a cross fashion). These bandages
will then, most likely, disappear by the character’s next scene.

#73- Law of Universal Edge Defense- Any projectile attack, from a blast of magic to
a hail of bullets, can be easily defended against by holding a suitably cool-looking
sword or other bladed weapon between the attacker and defender, usually so that the
edge cuts into the incoming attack(s), causing both halves to go flying harmlessly
past the defender. Observed most often in fantasy and martial arts anime.

#74- Law of Intractable Sanity- There is no such thing as insanity in anime. When
faced with horrifying supernatural forces that would drive most men mad, anime
characters will either:
a) Die quickly (but in accordance with all other laws e.g., slowdown and
exposition),
b) Get possessed by them, especially if they are beautiful girls or men in a
position to ravish beautiful girls, or
c) Kill them, wipe the blood off their blades, and walk on whistling.

#75- Law of Celestial Body Control- At a dramatically correct moment, a hero can
summon a sun/moon/halo to appear behind him/her to cause a dramatic silhouette.

#76- Law of Aura of Forgetfulness- Any hero who wishes his/her identity to remain a
secret will invariably succeed regardless of disguise because everyone around
him/her will forget everything. Otherwise, how does Sailor Moon keep her disguise?

#77- Law of Cool Hair Factor- The hair of a hero will always coalesce into thick
strands that drape his face into a dramatic fashion, regardless of wind, the
elements, etc. (see Laws 32 & 48)

#78- Law of Inverse Coping- Any single event will happen to the ONE character LEAST
capable of dealing with it.

#79- Law of Martial Arts Training Invulnerability- The Myth that certain martial
arts will enable you to become so strong, that you can stop a nuclear warhead with
your bare palm. Unfortunately, for most otaku, they found the hard way that it just
doesn’t work in real life...

#80- Law of Stereotype Captain characteristics- If a captain of any type of ship is
male, he will invariably wear a big captain’s cap, a long overcoat, and have a
shaggy beard and mustache (pipe optional), and be a great tactician. If the captain
is female, however, she will invariably be young, well endowed, and ditzy as a pole
(horny father optional). Yet, she too will be a great tactician.

#81- Law of Shades/Coolness Factor- Shades can make you instantly cool, even if
you’re normally a klutz.

#82- Law of Hentai Plot- The proper response to any change in the plotline of a
Hentai anime is to start having sex.

#83- Law of Understatement- Anything that is deemed too impossible will become
possible.
First Corollary- Any "Bad Guy" stating "T-that’s impossible!" whenever the
hero is accomplishing some new feat/move/projectile will find out too late that he
is wrong and will invariably be toastied.

#84- Law of Dormant Powers- Anytime a hero is somehow outpowered and/or outclassed
by the villain, he will invariably release powers/new moves he never knew he could
accomplish... but his old teacher did!

#85- Law of Style Coefficient- In a situation where a Good guy may be in dire
straits, he will become stronger, smarter and more cool in a matter of seconds. (see
Laws #67, 69, and 84)

#86- Law of Bad Guy Smugness Factor- Whenever the villain actually succeeds in
beating the hero, they will begin to gloat uncontrollably, because they’ve never won
against the "Good Guy" (because they’re Eeeviiil!!). They usually get so cocky, they
tie the hero to a conveyor belt leading to his doom and leave to get a snack.
Usually this results in:
a) The hero escaping.
b) Clean-up for the underlings.
c)The villain getting toastied.

#87- Law of Tableware Nonexistence- There IS no spoon.

#88- Law of Goofy Turn-Ons- In Hentai, ordinary , pedestrian objects sometimes have
the magical power of either inducing orgasm or arousal. Some include warm water,
rolling on a smooth tabletop, wind, mild electrocution, the character toweling
themselves after a bath/shower, and very cold objects... like bottles of 7-up.

#89- Law of Penile Variance- All Anime men in Hentai have a ridiculously large
penis (lengths of 8, 9, 10 and 11 inches are most common). Some even have ones the
size of telephone poles, despite the blood loss that would accompany it...

#90-Law of Hentai Female Characteristics- All Hentai women have the following
characteristics:
1) Very sensitive and/or very large breasts with large nipples.
2)Very tight and/or sensitive vaginas.

#91- Law of Vaginal Variance- Hentai Anime women can take penis lengths of 8" and
up... completely... despite the fact that they might have a tight and/or sensitive
vagina.

#92- Law of Hero Identification- All heroes are introduced by way of appearance
while someone talking about their (in)famous-ness, or by way of a voice-over of them
introducing themselves.

#93- Law of Cute Mascots- Any anime either Shojo or Shonen has GOT to have at
least one cute, furry little mascot by penalty of death!
First Corollary- If it is a Shonen Anime, the hero will be accompanied by a
Dog, Cat or any kind of animal, real or fake, that would be found with a hero of the
male persuasion. Any animal that would be associated with girls that is following
him around is there because:
1) It’s his girlfriend’s.
2) It is following him, despite his insistence not to do so.
3) Chicks will dig him more.
Second Corollary- If it is a Shojo Anime, the heroine will be accompanied by
a cat, cute lil’ mouse, or some disgustingly cute monster, or any kind of animal,
real or fake, that would be found with a hero of the female persuasion. Any animal
that would be associated with guys that is following her around is there because:
1) It’s her boyfriend’s.
2) It is following her, despite her insistence not to do so.
3) It makes her look cool.

#94- Law of The Force- Most Anime heroes are blessed with a unique sort of ability
that enables bad things to happen to those that deserve it or makes things like
bullets or debris totally miss them (Also referred to as "Dumb Luck"), even though
they are mostly unaware of it. Those who have this ability include Vash the
Stampede, Captain Justy Ueki Tylor, and Jar Jar Binks.

#95- Law of Naughty Tentacles- All Anime Tentacles are VERY horny and will rape any
human female, regardless of age ("She’s 18! No! Really, she is! I’m not lying!...")
First Corollary- Even when raped or molested by tentacles, Hentai Anime
girls eventually get into it & begin squealing in ecstasy. NO one knows WHY this is,
but some theorize there may be some kind of chemical that is secreted through the
skin of the tentacle...
Second Corollary- Women who are impregnated by a tentacle creature never
experience morning sickness, and also find it to be intensely pleasurable (Also
known as the Goofy Meter Redline Effect).
Third Corollary- Similarly, the resulting... offspring of tentacle/human
relations is immediately sexually active, often impregnating its own mother again.

#96- Law of Cat-Fighting- Two females with a grudge can and will go at each other,
sometimes ripping off clothes. Sometimes it escalates so much, that property damage
begins to occur.
First Corollary- A running fight can be so destructive, you can follow it
from a distance just by watching for the smoke. (Also known as the "A-ko/B-ko
Thing")

#97- Law of Healing- Most anime heroes have a Wolverine-like healing factor that
enables them to regenerate from a massive wound or broken bone within minutes. Being
immortal sometimes helps. (Also known as the "Priss Effect".)

#98- Law of Stereotype Crew Characteristics- All ships, either waterborne or
spaceborne, have the following crew members:
1) The captain
2) His Lieutenant
3) Various female technical staff
4) A hotshot pilot
5) A cute little girl/twins (either stowaways or not)
6) The Doctor
7) The Doctor’s assistant (either a spy or not)
Weighted among the crew are various quirks which include:
1) Extreme coolness/luck
2) Amazing Intelligence
3) Incredible irritation
4)Extreme cuteness
5)Irresponsible drunkenness
6)Homophobicness
7) Emotionless (Idiots.)

#99- Law of Sparklies- Whenever a character of the main character’s interest
appears, flowers, sparkles, or abstract circles of pastel colors appear around said
character, or both. Roses with exaggerated thorns appear when it is dangerous love.
No one knows why this is, though most have a theory: Anime characters are freaks! At
least, Marker Apenname seems to think so...

#100- Law of Anime Events- Much like wrestling, anything and everything can happen.

16 THINGS TO DO AT WAL-MART

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Electronics to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,
" 'Code 3' in housewares"... and see what happens.

5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask,
"Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. Look right into the security camera & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti - depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through,
say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream..
"NO! NO! It's those voices again!"

15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!

16. Get several bouncy balls and throw them down an aisle shouting "pikachu, I choose you!"

I Have A Few Questions . . .

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Do stairs go up or down?

Do coffins have lifetime guarantees?

When French people swear do they say “Pardon my English?”

Why does the last piece of ice always stick to the bottom of the cup?

Why do they put Braille on the drive through bank machines?

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

If a person with Multiple Personality Disorder threatens to kill themselves, is it considered a hostage situation?

Strangers have the best candy . . .

There are 2 types of pedestrians, the quick and the dead.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth!

A day without sunshine is, like, you know, night

I’m not a complete idiot; some parts are missing .

Idiots surround me!

Someday your prince will come. Mine got lost, took a wrong turn, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.

Support publik edekasion

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

The more I learn, the less I understand.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't

They keep saying the right person will come along; I think a truck hit mine.

Too many freaks, not enough circuses!

WARNING: mental backup in progress.

You have been a naughty boy, go to my room!

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.

You’re just jealous that the Voices only speak to me.

Your village called, their idiot is missing.

Before you criticize someone always walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you do criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes

Reality bites with a variety of sizes of teeth.

Snowflakes are some of the most fragile things in the world but looks what happens when they stick together.

Fashion is a type of ugliness so intolerable, that we have to change it every 6 months.

It's not cheating unless you get caught and if you get caught, lie through your teeth.

Live long and prosper or live short and don't prosper . . . whichever works for you.

It's better to keep silent and be thought a fool than open your mouth and remove all doubts.

My head may be cracked but my insanity is still intact!

That’s it! I give up! There’s no talking to you people! And you wonder why I’m arrogant! If the rest of you weren’t such idiots, I might not feel so superior!

Society is thick, Normality is overrated, Lunacy is underestimated, and in the midst of it all, I remain relatively sane.

If you do that I will kill you, then I will reincarnate you and kill you again!

The truth is rarely pure and never simple.

Skill is being able to walk across Niagara Falls on a tightrope. Intelligence is not trying.

Nice try, but you can't fool a fool.

Nothing is impossible. Some things are just improbable.

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia – the fear of long words.

My mind works like lightning . . . one brilliant flash and it's gone.

If the opposite of 'pro' is 'con', then what's the opposite of 'progress'? ‘Congress’?

We live in an age where pizza gets to your house before the police

If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.

Why be difficult, when with just a little bit of effort, you can be impossible?

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Keep smiling, it makes people wonder what you're up to.

Procrastinate now, don't procrastinate!

Boys make good pets . . .

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film!

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. If at first you do succeed, try not to look too surprised.

A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Smile, and the world will smile with you. Laugh and they'll all think you’re on drugs.

I'll be sober tomorrow but you'll be ugly for the rest of your life.

Where there's a will, there's a way. And where there's a way, then there's usually a stop sign somewhere along the road.

I'm scared to fall in love, scared to fall fast, because every time I fall in love . . . it never seems to last.

Life's tough: get a helmet!

I didn't lose my mind, I sold it on eBay.

How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he’s lost?

Normal people worry me.

You say psycho like it's a bad thing.

Those who think they know everything, annoy those of us that do.

I'm going to live life or die trying

We didn’t lose . . . we just ran out of time

Here officer, hold my beer while I find my license.

If you die, I'll kill you!

Be quiet, Voices! Or I'll poke you with a Q-tip! Yeah! You better be scared!

Live dangerous . . . run with scissors.

I find "Good morning" contradictory. (Well, most people do anyways . . .)

My heart? Yeah. Not a playground.

You laugh now because you're older than me by mere months, but when you're 30, and I'm still 29, who'll be laughing then?

Don't hate yourself in the morning . . . sleep till noon.

Let's flip a coin: heads, we'll be together; tails, we'll flip again

When you get caught looking at him, just remember, he was looking back.

Oops! I appear to have fallen on your lips!

Guys should be like lattes: rich, strong, and hot!

Boys are like trees - they take fifty years to grow up.

One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

Some day we'll look back on this, and plow into a parked car.

1 out of every 4 people is insane. Look at your three best friends; if it's not them, it's you.

We're best friends. You laugh, I laugh. You cry, I cry. You hurt, I hurt. You jump off a bridge, damn I'm gonna miss your dumb ass.

It's always the last place you look . . . well of course it is, why the hell would I keep looking after I found it?

When it rains on my party, I bust out the slip and slide.

I agree with the dictionary; girls before guys, partying before studying, and friends before love.

I don't obsess! I think intensely.

We fall for stupid boys, we make lots of dumb mistakes, we like to act stupid, talk really fast, and laugh really loud. But us teenage girls, we're really going at one thing, staying strong.

I used to be normal, until I met the freaks that I call my friends

Boys are like slinkys: useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs.

All the good ones are gay, married, or fictional characters in books or movies.

The greatest challenge in life is to find someone who knows all your flaws, differences, and mistakes, and yet still sees the best in you.

Come join the dark side: we have cookies.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else

Real girls aren't perfect, perfect girls aren't real.

I'd rather be hated for who I am than be loved for who I'm not.

My favorite word is sarcasm.

Everyone has a wild side – me and my friends just prefer to make them public

I've got A.D.D. (Attention Deficit Disorder) and magic markers. Oh, the fun I will have

There are 3 reasons to go through the day: Coffee in the morning, friends in the afternoon, and a good book for the rest of the day.

Note to Self: Normal is just a setting on washing machines.

Music is like candy – you throw away the rappers.

I would be more scared if you were aiming for the person next to me

Boys that make you cry aren't worth crying over; boys that are worth crying over won't make you cry.

Life's like a book. Every time it gets good, you get interrupted.

There's a fine line between insanity and genius. You're flirting with it.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, but expecting different results

Life's a blast. Be yourself, and make it a BOOM!!

The road to Hell is paved with good intentions . . . So is the road to Heaven paved with bad intentions?

Ever wondered what that noise is after you pulled the trigger and everthing gets suddenly quiet? That was your concience saying "Oh FUCK!!!, Goddamn it! I can’t believe the dumbass did it!!

Every time someone gets higher in the food chain someone else has to get lower. So stay where you belong and my life will be less troublesome.

Good News, I'm still technically alive.

May god have mercy on your soul, for I have none for you.

I, like god, do not deal in dice and do not believe in coincidence.

I killed you ten minutes ago, while you slept. Did you know that?

What's the difference between an Emo and my lawn? My lawn doesn't cut itself.

Four out of five voices in my head say 'Go for it'.

I don't suffer from INSANITY, I enjoy every minute of it

Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you’re abusing the right.

Evil squirrels are after my nuts.

One by one the penguins are stealing my sanity

Nobody is perfect. I am a nobody. Therefore, I am perfect.

If life gives you lemons, make lemonade, then go find someone whose life has given them vodka and have a party.

If practice makes perfect but nobody’s perfect, why practice?

Guns don't kill people, husbands who come home early do.

Every person alive is insane, but most people aren't aware of it.

I am not racist. I hate everyone equally.

This won't hurt a bit. I won't feel a thing.

If at first you don't succeed, lower your expectations.

All I'm saying is your playing with your own lives. I will ride this piano back to Manhattan. When the ship goes down, screw the lifeboats, I have dibs on the big chunk of wood.

I'm going to kill you so dead, you'll wish you were never born alive.

God hates people who say 'God'. God.

What, something's broken and it's not your fault?
I know, I'm scared too.

Does a fall kill you?
No, but the stop at the bottom might.

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move.

Happiness is the dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

Everyone else may love you, but I still think you’re a moron.

This isn’t a classroom, it’s hell with fluorescent lighting.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to sing it.

If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet I’ll put shoes on my cat.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

Ohhh, let me turn on the part of my brain that gives a damn.

Whatever look you were going for, you missed.

Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.

By starting this pointless squabble you've done nothing but reveal just how vast your stupidity is.

Could you be...a little less talk and a little bit more "shut the hell up?".

We stole the Eagle from the Air Force, the Anchor from the Navy, and the rope from the Army. On the 7th day, while God rested, we overran his perimeter and stole the Globe, and we've been running the show ever since. We live like soldiers and talk like sailors and slap the hell out of both of them. Soldier by day, lover by night, drunkard by choice, Marine by GOD!

When in doubt, whip it out – empty the magazine!

You, you, and you . . . panic. The rest of you, come with me . . . !

I don't give a rat's ass about going to hell. I guess it's because I feel like I'm already there. Where am I, you ask? I’m in a torture institution called “School”.

I swear to drunk I'm not God.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

"Superman is dead, good people die young, love is a dangerous and misleading emotion, countries with nuclear power want our destruction, we have a complete idiot leading us, and this world and race is headed on a downward spiral...isn't life golden? – this is from a time George Bush was still our president.

That was crazy I hope I didn't brain my damage.

If a woman tells you she's 20 and looks 16 . . . she's 12. If a woman tells you she's 26 and looks 26 . . . she's damn near 40

If living means that I must bow down to you guys, I'll happily stand tall and die!

"We were told to kill you on sight."
"I was told where your mate and offspring reside."
"Welcome to America. Enjoy your stay."

I'm no physician, but there appears to be a dagger through my chest.

Bad news Cale. I'm afraid your position as my closest and dearest companion is being replaced by the fellow who just tackled a dragon

A mountain that eats people . . . I want one

I don't do well with authority. Is that going to be a problem?

If I had no sense of humor then I would have committed suicide long ago

If ignorance is bliss then you must be orgasmic

Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

This calls for a particularly subtle blend of psychology and extreme violence.

If at first you don't succeed . . . go back and reload the gun.

Warning: Trespassers will be shot
Warning: Survivors will be shot again

Some people are only alive because it's illegal to kill them

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat

There are few problems that can’t be solved with high explosives

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three

If it's stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid

Shoot first, shoot later, shoot again, then when everyone's dead, try to ask a
question or two

We live in an age where pizza gets to your house before the police

I'm not littering . . . I'm donating to the Earth.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

I am not a humanitarian. I am a hell-raiser.

Heck is the place for people who don't believe in Gosh.

The newscaster is the person who says "Good evening" and then tells you why it's not.

They say the truth will set you free. Then why is it every time I tell the truth, I get sent to my room?

Sarcasm is one more service I offer. Compassion costs extra.

Insanity is a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world.

Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.

I will temporarily rule the world, forever.

Life is like robbing a bank; so worth the while!

You want to know who your real friends are? Screw up and see who's still there

Don't tell me the sky's the limit, when there are footprints on the moon

Don't look at me with that tone of voice!

It's a wonder they haven't locked you up yet

He shouldn't let his mind wander, it's too little to go out on its own

He had a good idea once, but it died of loneliness

Comfort the Disturbed and Disturb the Comfortable

Fiction is a lie and good fiction is the truth inside the lie

Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.

You've gotta die in creative ways.

They keep saying the right person will come along; I think mine got hit by a truck. Then the truck backed up and ran them over again.

If it's not nailed down, it's fair game.

To err is human, to forgive is not Company Policy

When in doubt, use brute force. When that doesn't work . . . RUN LIKE HELL!

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

If you are feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.

Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.

Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.

I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.

You can't fall off the floor, but you can always pick yourself back up.

Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough.

Push something hard enough and it will fall.

You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.

I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people.

Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror and you wouldn't have been notified.

Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.

Schizophrenia beats being alone.

Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum

Sleep: A completely inadequate substitute for caffeine

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view

Just say no to drugs. Because if your drugs are talking to you, you've probably had too many.

Of course I'm out of my mind! It's dark and scary in there!

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.

People say that I have totally lost it. I wasn't even aware I had it.

Therapist = The rapist. Scary thought . . .

Flying is simple. Just throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Don’t knock on death’s door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.

Guns don’t kill people. Bullets kill people.

'A B C D E F G, I will kill your family.'

I was gifted, but the psychiatrist took away my powers.

You're intoxicated by my very presence

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Shit happens, find a toilet

Life’s a bitch, put it on a leash.

Who says beggars can’t be choosers, I could have just robbed you

When life throws you lemons, cut’em open and squirt the juice in its eye.

When life throws you lemons, throw a brick back.

When life throws you lemons, throw them at someone else.

When life throws you lemons, throw them back twice as hard.

When life gives you shit…Put it in a bag and set it on fire.

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food has new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Favorite character sayings:

"Troublesome." (Shikamaru Nara; Naruto)

"I've got an army."

"We've got a Hulk!" (Loki and Tony Stark/Iron Man; The Avengers)

"We are the Knights who say 'NI!'" (The Knights Who Say Ni; Monty Python and the Holy Grail)

"You're going in the PPPPPIIIIITTTTT!!!!!" (can't remember, some tv show on NBC when I was little)

"Hi! I'm Johnny Knoxville and welcome to Jackass!" (Johnny Knoxville; Jackass)

"And that's a sign that the tank is full." (Garfield; Garfield: The Movie)

"I say, what the devil is a 'Garfield?'" (Prince; Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties)

"Garfield, you'll never find happiness at the bottom of a coffee cup."

'I beg to differ,' 'look, there's some right there in the corner.'

"By golly, you're right." (Jon Arbuckle and Garfield; Garfield)

"http:///comics/vault.html?yr=1982&addr=821108" (Garfield)

"http:///comics/vault.html?yr=1983&addr=830324" (Garfield)

"http:///comics/vault.html?yr=1983&addr=830326" (Garfield)

"http:///comics/vault.html?yr=1983&addr=830619" (Garfield)

"You really don't care, do you?"

'Bingo.' (Jon Arbuckle and Garfield; Garfield)

"Release my hand, Garfield!"

'You release hamburger, I release hand.' (Jon Arbuckle and Garfield; Garfield)

'What we have here is a failure to communicate.' (Garfield; Garfield)

"Permission to gulp, sir?"

"Permission granted."

"*GULP!!!*" (Shaggy, the General, and Scooby-Doo; What's New Scooby-Doo?)

"We will win this for Mother Russia!" (Robin Willaims' on a Snickers commercial)

The Situation in Hell

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I go out with you", and take into account the fact that I went out with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct . . . leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A."